“Where do we start?” The four of us try to plan out our upcoming journey. Per my selfish requests, of course. “I'd like to avoid crowded areas as much as possible. Crossing borders too...” I kneel over the world map.
“Sooo Island Hopping?” Crile says. “We can pretty much rent smaller boats to get from one island to the next. Well, small enough to fit her.” He nods to Emerald. She shows him her fangs and he answers them with a grin of his own.
“Besides that, there isn't much of a choice. Not unless you wanna climb the mountains to get into Crepitus from over here.” Crile points to the south of the island.
“Too risky.” I object on reflex, but the look Crile gives me, tells me that he was gently mocking me with the suggestion to begin with. Grrr.
“What about here? This looks like an opening?” Star points too.
“Nightmare Island? Really?”
“What! It's better than to go all the way around, then circle the whole thing on the inside just to end up right back here.” Starlight traces her finger along the paper.
“We can skip Crepitus. For now.” I add quickly. I can feel their disappointed looks. “We can always go to Crepitus from Araneum. Emerald wouldn’t stand out as much among other beasts they ship from there.”
“In that case why don’t we hitch a ride with the Cornutese hunts from here?” Crile points to Maris – the port belonging to Venatus.
“Cause they'd never let us on and cause they have their "Cornutese only" check points. It'd beat the entire purpose of "seeing" the world.” I answer.
“No wonder you're the Heir.” Crile grins at me. I glare at him instead.
“There are rental points here, here, here, and here. Ish.” I point.
“Those are quite far apart.” Star mumbles.
“Yes. But. We can make irregular stops. We can park the boat, explore, get back and sail away. One run down boat should be enough for us four. We can always have it fixed up at any of the check points, or work there to earn the gold needed, or...”
“Or trade it. Some old timers love restoring old vessels.” Crile finishes.
“There you go.” I agree.
“How much will we need to get that “first” boat in the first place?” Starlight asks a good question.
“Blain will get us one for free... He said it'll be his parting gift...” I answer in a low voice.
“Wow.”
“What!” I glare again.
“Spoiled much?” Crile mocks me. I throw a pillow at him and continue on with the planning.
Zarri and Crile continue making several route options for our trip. After everything that happened, I'm not surprised Zarri wants to leave here... I watch the two of them... They are almost in perfect sync... Something aches inside my chest... I'm right here and yet I have never felt so far away from them... I feel useless... All I know is healing... Can that remain enough?
“Star. I have a favor to ask.” Zarri speaks to me. I snap back to reality.
“Alright? What is it?”
“Stop calling me Zarri.” Huh? I stare at her. “I know it means a lot to you, but I prefer to use Deathbreeze as my name from now on. I don't want to cause trouble for Mother, going by the family name, I hope you can–“
“No.”
“What?” Crile slips in.
“I refuse.” I stand up.
“Reason being?” Zarri stares at me.
“I’m not obligated to give you one.” I answer.
“Wow.”
“Stay out of it.” Zarri tells Crile and stands up too. I swallow.
“Starlight. I need you to give me a reason. I can't understand what is going on if you don’t tell me.”
He defiled you! That's reason enough! And yet I know it all too well that I can never say it. So, I stand there silently. Unable to understand my own self.
“I refuse to stoop to his level!” I snap out of pure desperation and stupidity. My stubborn pride has taken control of me once again… The idiotic habit... “He's nothing more than a filthy shadow walker!” I spit it out.
“That so.” Crile walks past me and out the room, slamming the door shut.
“I will never understand what you see in him!” I shut my eyes. Now I’ve done it...
“A lot of things.” Zarri’s voice is freezing my blood. Yet my nature persists...
“Like what!” I shriek out.
“HE FUCKS MY SOUL!” I open my eyes and stare… A moment of silence.
“Pleasing the physical body is only a matter of technique. Touching the soul is something spiritual and sensual on a different plane.” Zarri explains. I have no words to offer in response... Zarri takes a breath.
“He does it perfectly. That alone is reason enough for me. Anything else?” She glares me down. I look away.
“Amana. That was over the line and you know it. Give me one instance where Crile has deserved such disrespect. Give me one example how and when he ever insulted you to such an extend.” She walks over to me slowly. “If that is how you truly feel, then I don't believe it is fair to ask you to join me on my journey.”
“Huh? Why?”
“You're too much of a security risk. I cannot possibly bring you along if you cannot trust your own friends. It would simply endanger us all.”
“No. That's not...” Zarri holds her hand up to me and I shut up again.
“Take your time to think about this. I will respect your decision regardless. However. Whether you decide to leave with us or not, does not change the fact that you will apologize to Crile before we leave. That much, I trust, you understand.” That tone. Those eyes. The way she towers over me. I see it. She's not angry or disgusted... Simply disappointed. And I am the cause for it...
“Let's go. I'll take you home.” She smiles at me.
“You don’t have to...”
“I promised, didn’t I?” She smiles at me and Emerald stands up too. I nod and let the most important person in this nation to walk the pathetic me home...
“We'll leave in three days just as planned. I hope you can decide by then.” Zarri hugs me. “No matter what happens, or where we go, you'll always be my Star.” She says and I tear up. My Zarri. I can’t. I just nod and watch her walk away again. Dumbass. I'm such a dumbass...
“What do you think I should have done?” I ask Emerald as we walk back.
“Why ask me? Does my say changes anything for you?”
“Could you not answer me all coy! Please.” I pout. “All this time I figured those two were simply clowning around... I never took any of their fights or insults seriously and now I think maybe I shouldn’t have brought them together in the first place… What if all this time Star has been suffering in silence because of me? Dealing with Crile only because they both like me, but not each other? Maybe...”
“Maybe you shouldn't date the boy?”
I look at Emerald. “Maybe...”
“What good will it do to you now, thinking of the what ifs?”
“You make it sound like you never regretted anything...”
Emerald goes cold and silent. I feel it.
“I'm sorry.”
“Let the girl figure herself out. This is not a sleepover anymore. If she cares for you more than herself - she'll tag along. If this is all she is capable of - throwing fits for no reason, than perhaps it is best she stays behind. Such fickle emotions cannot be trusted.”
“I don’t want her to tag along if she doesn’t really want to go. I want her to want to go with us... Perhaps I am asking too much of her...”
“No, you’re not.”
“Huh?” I look up. Crile. I look him over.
“You know something, don’t you?” His face doesn’t seem too outraged...
A shrug. “Maybe she just feels like losing?”
“Losing what? My name is not a competition.” Nor am I.
“Perhaps. But she's always been a bit edgy like that.”
“This time is different...”
The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.
“Ever consider she's jealous?”
“Of you?” I stare at him. “Could make sense I guess...” Crile's head tilts back and a roar echoes in the middle of the darn alley.
“Not what I meant.” He says chuckling. “But thank you.”
“Wait. Did you mean jealous of us? How close we are? Does she feel like losing because she doesn't have a boyfriend?” I ponder.
“Something like it...” He says, staring into Star's home direction. “What will you do?”
“About what?”
“If she doesn’t go.” He looks back at me.
“Leave her.”
“Won’t you try to talk her into it?”
“Why should I. If she doesn’t feel safe around us, then there's so much I can do...”
“Doesn’t feel safe around me, you mean.” Crile walks up to me and lifts my face to his. “You'd be choosing me over her.”
I don’t answer. He gazes into my eyes, questioning them.
“You want her to stay behind. That's why.”
“Can you blame me?” I look away. Hate it how sees trough me...
“Nope.” A kiss. “I need to pick up a few things for the trip. I'll see you later.”
“Sure.” We kiss and Crile walks away, leaving me alone, for my guilt to devour me...
“Amana? You've been in there since last night. Are you alright?” Mother calls to me from behind the door.
“Leave ‘er. She'll come out once she's hungry.”
“I swear!” Mother begins and stops. “Wonder who that is.”
“I'll get it.” Father says. Is someone at the door? What do I care... Even if I can manage to lie and apologize, I'll never be able to look at Zarri again...
“Ammi. Are you sure nothing happened?” Mother.
I continue to ignore her.
“Crile's here to see us.”
Huh! What! EEEEHHHH! WHYYYYYYY!!! I jump out of bed and burst out the bedroom. “What are you doing here!”2
“Making my peace.” He answers. “Has Amana told you about our trip?”
“Vaguely.” Father says.
“We are planning to leave in two days.”
“I haven’t seen you pack even...” Mother sits down and calls me over too. Father remains standing and so does Crile. I hesitantly join Mother by the table...
“It seems that Amana may have second thoughts.” Crile begins.
“Who wouldn't.”
“Dear! Let the boy speak.” Mother hisses at Father. “Please.” She nods again.
“I suspect that perhaps Amana has difficulty assuring you. So. I have come to you directly to do just that.” Crile sounds as serious as I have ever heard him to be... Mother steals a glance at me. I don’t look back.
“That so? And? You'll promise to die for her?” Father mocks him strong.
“If need be - yes.” Crile doesn’t even blink! Mother grabs my hand and clenches. “As the oldest of us, well second oldest, right after Emerald, I see it as my responsibility to take care of Amana as my little sister. I love her dearly and care for her deeply. I can promise you that I would kill and die to protect her.” What is he saying... Crile holds my Father's gaze with ease.
“What do you swear on?” Father persists.
“I have nothing to offer but the name Shadowkill and my body with my word as a man.” Ira gave him that name... My parents know it...
Father tries to speak, but Mother cuts in.
“It is up to Amana to decide whether she wishes to go or not. However.” She pauses, clutching onto my fingers, almost breaking them. “I do appreciate your resolve. Thank you.” She bows her head.
“Thank you for the honor. I value the trust you're putting in me.” Crile bows.
“Boy. If Amana goes and if anything happens to her, I shall beat you to a bloody pulp.” Father says calmly murderous.
“No objections.” Crile bows again. “I'll shall leave you to it.” He bows a bit more and leaves our home.
“I don't trust him. You know, if he has to choose between them - Amana will end up dead.” Father doesn’t mince words.
“I doubt it. He seems serious about it.” Mother says.
“You've gone soft.”
“Oh please. You and I both know that our lives are better here. And it's all thanks to the Priestess and Shadowkill. Amana has a chance to see the world!”
“So?” My parents bicker among themselves.
“Oh you stubborn brute!”
“I need to go.” I tell my parents and run out before another word is said. I run. As fast as I can. Damn it! He even walks fast!
“CRILE!!” I call out and almost trip. I grab a near by wall and stagger in place.
“You called?” A pair of feet appear in front of me.
“Why.”
“Why what.”
“Why did you do that!”
“Did what.” He's being an ass on purpose.
“THAT!” I point back. “Why did you swear to protect me.”
A shrug. “Orders from above.”
“Bull!”
His eyes widen at me. A smirk flashes for a second and disappears again.
“She never would have ordered you to do it. Not till she knew I apologized.”
“Well what other reason do you think there is?” He mocks me.
I bite my tongue. I don’t want to admit it.
Crile sighs first. “I did it because I don’t know how else to prove it to you that you are important to me too. Despite the fact that I am hella furious with you right now.”
“Exactly! You’re angry! So why!”
“Geez, Star, use your brilliant mind for a moment, will ya!” Crile's face changes. “Just because I'm mad at you, it doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you.”
“Why not...” I whisper and regret it instantly.
“Maybe because I’m not AS CHILDISH AS YOU!!” He roars at me. I deserve that. He quickly cools off.
“I meant what I said. I wasn’t putting on an act for your parents.” He sighs again. “I feel like I need to die for you, because maybe, just maybe then you'll finally believe me. I don’t know…” Crile shakes his head, looking down... Worst part is. I do believe him...
“Well? Is that all?” He urges me.
“No.”
“Well? What? Speak.”
“I.. I can't apologize to you.”
“Why not?”
“Because.” I feel Crile's last nerve breaking.
“Because why! Star, I swear, sometimes you just...”
“BECAUSE I’VE LOVED HER THE LONGEST!!! THAT’S WHY!! ITS NOT FAIR!!!” I snap for no reason.
“Fair? FAIR! I GAVE YOU A FAIR CHANCE AMANA!! Yet you threw it away!! Don’t hate me now for what you did to yourself!!” Crile fights back. “Loved her the longest. Oh please.” He mocks me. I don't fight it.
“What's the point of "longest love" if you NEVER CONFESS!!” He yells at me. There is none and I know it...
“I just...”
“Just what!”
“Just...”
“SPILL IT!”
“JUST WANTED A PIECE OF HER THAT'S MINE!!!” I crack. “Zarri is mine...”
“I know she is.” Crile says after a long pause and a sigh. “I knew that from the day I met you two. That's why I call her Breeze...”
“But now...” I clench my robe and stare to the ground.
“Listen.” Crile hugs me. “You can have your Zarri. But I want my Breeze too. I hope we can least share this way?”
I don’t answer.
“Please.”
I mumble to myself.
“I'll take it as a yes.” He pushes himself off me. “You good there?” I turn away. “Ok then.” Crile let's me go. “No pressure tho, ya know. You can still choose not to go. You always have that choice. Hope you know that.”
“I don’t need you telling me that.”
“Don’t look like it by the things of it”. He winks at me. “Meet with us tomorrow morning. Least to say goodbye, if anything.”
“Screw you!”
Crile walks away, laughing. I hate it what my own feelings do to me... I’m such a…
“Hey.” Crile nods to me as we take our bags out to his Celodian. I turn around. Star. With bags?
“Amana.” I walk up to her. “Does this mean you're going too?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“What about your parents?”
“They'll live with it. I had to promise to use this. A lot.” She shows a necklace with a Stone on it. Gotchya.
“Does this means you two are good now?” I ask the duo.
“Almost. I haven’t apologized yet.” Star admits. I look at Crile. He stops mid pick up and straightens out.
“I'm too stubborn to do it.” She says.
“Wow.” I slip. Crile tries to contain his laughter.
“However. That has nothing to do with the fact that I trust all of you more than I trust myself. That said. I would give my life to save any one of you. Because that is how much I care about you. And also because someone said they'd do the same...” Her conviction blushes there at the end. I glance over my shoulder a bit again. Crile's grin says it all. I sigh.
“He convinced you?”
“Not me. My parents.” Star says. Impressive. Sharden is a tough one...
“So. May I please go with you?” Star bows.
“Sure, Starlight.” I walk over to her and take her bags. “You don’t need to bow your head to me.” She looks up.
“Thank you, I'll do my best not to be a burden.”
“You never are, Star-dear!” Crile winks at her.
“Shut it!”
“Glad to see they are back to normal.” I tell Emerald.
“Yet you worry about them still.” She answers.
“Don’t you?”
A low growl echoes inside my mind.
“Working on the finishing touches?”
“Old man!”
“Father to you, brat! “
“Ira.” I walk over to him.
“Oh how it pains me to see you go, Gorgeous.” Ira hugs me to him. “You're the only joy I have left in my life.” He whispers.
“I’m sure you’re exaggerating.”
“Not at all.” He gives me one last squeeze. “I'm always with you if you need me. May the Star shine upon you.” He says it like that purposely. I let go.
“Thank you.” I nod and get on Emerald. Crile helps Star to join me and gets on his own Celodian. Mother and Laira wave to us from up the balcony. I asked her to keep Laira away. I hoped it would make it easier for her to say goodbye. She wouldn’t need to pretend to smile. I know she's hurting. But... I can only do so much for her anymore... I take one last look over my shoulder. I wonder how much time will pass before I'll crave to return to a place that I can't call any other way but a prison...