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Ammi and Zarri. Existara Series
14. The Star, the Treasure and the Shadow

14. The Star, the Treasure and the Shadow

    “Got a minute?” Crile stands by the exit of the Armory.

“Not really. I'm dead tired. Can this wait?”

“No.” He grabs me by the arm and smashes me into the wall, blocking me off with his arms from both sides.

“What. Do you think. You are doing.” I stare at him.

“Losing my mind.”

“Clearly. Step aside.”

“No.”

“Crile.” I growl annoyed.

“I love you.” Wha? I stare at him. “I can't stand it anymore. I hate it how much I want you. Constantly. Every waking moment. Every breath. Every heartbeat. Every fiber of me screams in pain being near you and not having you...” His head slowly sinks between his shoulders. "I've traveled to insanity and back more times than I care to count... I can't take it anymore...”

“Then will you have me by force?”

He looks back up at me. “Wouldn't dream of it. It's no fun having you if you don't want me too.”

“Then what do you want with me?”

“You. All of you. Just you. Only you. Every you there is.” I stare at him lost. Unable to say anything in return...

“This burning feeling inside of me... It's driving me mad... This hunger... It doesn't go away... Ever... I hate it. I hate it how you make me feel...” Crile glares at me... Yet there's no anger?

“My condolences?” I grasp at straws...

He breaks into a quick half-grin. “Save it.”

“Then what do you expect me to say here? If you hate me that much why not kill me? Maybe then your suffering will end?" A fist lands next to my face in the stone wall. Yeah... I deserve that...

“Don't. Even. Ever.” He growls the words out. “I could never hurt you. I'd rather die than harm you...” Crile leans in closer. I close my eyes...

“I want you with me, not dead.” I feel his words on my skin. “I crave your scent... Your look... Your touch...” His every breath sends a shiver across my body... This is different from before...

“I want your soul. Your mind. I want to listen to your heartbeat and feel you breathe. I want you to be wild together with me... I need you to go insane together with me...” I hold my breath and listen... I feel Crile pull back a little. I open my eyes again.

“I told myself that you're nothing but a phase. That my feelings for you are nothing more than a childish curiosity. I can't tell you how many women I've been with just to convince myself that my feelings for you are empty. That it's only because we've known each other for so long. But it's not. I know that now. Hell. I knew that all along.”

“Then why now? Why tell me this now?”

“Because I can't think of anything else besides that night. That night proved it to me. It's you. It's always been you. It'll always gonna be you. Only you. The images of us play inside my mind over and over, and over, and over again...” Crile growls the words out again. The growl deepens each time. There it is. That hunger. That wild beast look... I feel my skin getting hotter... I open my mouth, yet no sound comes out. He steps back.

“Take your time. I don't expect you to answer on the spot.” He smiles at me. “I've got all the time in the world to make you mine.” He winks at me and walks away, leaving me speechless and breathless... Burning with desire...

    Crile finds me in the Infirmary, doing the graveyard shift and the inventory.

“Amana. We need to talk.” Amana? He rarely ever calls me that...

“About what?”

“About Breeze.”

“What about her?” I turn to face him more.

“I confessed to her just now.” WHAT! I hold my breath.

“Well if you did, then why do you need me? Sounds like you already have what you want.” My whole body trembles with fear...

“Because I'm here to tell you that you should do the same.” He stares at me all serious.

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Don't play dumb with me, Star. I know you love Zarri too.”

I stare at Crile, petrified. How did he... “You're crazy.” My lips move for me.

“Don't deny it.”

“I don't know how hard you hit your head, but–“

“Damn it, Star, don't!” He roars at me. I flinch. “You look at her the same way I do! You gorge her with your eyes! You hold your breath every time she's an inch away from you! Your eyes widen when you see her coming toward you! You blush like a breaking dawn every time you two go for a bath!” I... No. I can't... He’s...

“Wrong...”

“No. I'm not wrong and you know it.”

“Then why...”

“Why tell you I confessed? I told you. Because you need to do the same.”

“Why should I... My feelings are none of your business!” I force myself to glare at him.

“I know. That's why I'm not telling you to throw them away.”

“Oh sure, because telling me to confess is not that!”

He laughs under his breath.

“What's so funny?” I glare again.

“You are. I had a feeling this was the case.”

“What are you mumbling about?” My fear and confusion quickly turn to anger and annoyment.

“You. You're afraid. You're afraid she won't like you anymore. You're not even afraid of if she'll love you back the way you do. You're more afraid that she'll think of you as a freak and stop being friends with you.”

I don't answer him.

“Your face tells me I'm right.” Crile smiles at me. “She's not so narrow-minded, you know...”

“No! That's not it at all!” I fight it.

“Of course it is! It's the same reason you never let your true colors show in front of her! Why do you think I tease you so much?” Crile’s tone softens...

“Because you're an idiot and a pain.”

He laughs again. “True. But I also know how much effort you put in to always looking perfect for her. You don't want her to see your shortcomings, so you hide them desperately, I'm sorry to say Star, but it doesn't work on her. You're so hung up on "perfect" that you ignore everything that makes Breeze - Breeze. Because in case you missed it - she's far from “perfect.”

“Then why do you love her then, HUH!!” I smash the clipboard on the desk.

“I love her exactly for that reason. I love how flawed she is. She turns her drawbacks into advantages and makes them her strength. She doesn't try to be perfect, she's just herself. The beautiful, the intelligent, the good, the bad, the ugly, the powerful, the everything!” He spreads his arms wide to the sides. “I see all that she is. You just want to put her in a glass cage. How is that different from what everyone else is trying to do?”

“IT IS!!!! IT IS DIFFERENT!!!!!” I snap.

“How! So you alone could gaze at her?”

“Oh like YOU DON'T want her all to yourself!” I mock him openly.

“Of course I do! Hell! I want to tie her up in a dungeon to keep her safe and all to myself, but I can't!”

“I want her safe too! You and I are no different!” I argue.

“Yes we are! I might want her safe, but I also want her free!”

“THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!” I yell at him again.

“See that's your problem, Amana! You want her tamed and I want her free! That's the difference!”

“I want her safe! There’s nothing wrong with that!!”

“So do I!”

“Then why can't you understand!”

“It's because I understand that I am telling you - you're going about this the wrong way. You're hearts not in the right place.”

“How do you know where my heart is!”

“Cause I've been watching her! And you! I know how much you care for her and that's exactly why you want her tamed! So she can't get out there and get hurt!”

“And what's wrong with that?”

“That's just it! You want to blind her with your light, Star, so that she won't see anything else besides you!”

“Oh and you want her drowning in darkness, I suppose!”

“Wrong! She's a Treasure! She shines plenty on her own! All I need to do is admire her like I have been! I'm her Shadow!!! That's why I can say this for certain, Star. You try to outshine her and you'll end up burned out. You can't tame her.”

“We won’t know till I try!!”

“You can’t outshine her Star! That’s a fact! She's a Treasure like no other! Not just anyone has the capacity to see that! But that's not her fault! It's not her fault the world around her is too weak to handle her! You're soooo in love with her that it scares you! That's why you do what you do!”

“Oh like you’re so brave!!!”

“NO! I’M NOT! I’m scared out of my mind! But I'm not patient enough! My eagerness outweighs my fear! I want her! It scares me, but I want her. I love her more than I am afraid to lose her. You don't.”

“SAYS YOU!!”

“STUBBORN ASS! Can't you see! You're too weak!!! You can't protect her!”

“I CAN PROTECT ZARRI JUST FINE!!”

“Don't kid yourself, Star.”

“Wrong! I can!”

“Can what, Star? WHAT!!” He taunts me. I bite my tongue. Crile sighs.

“She struggles to get stronger, so that she can protect you.” He says. “My job is to keep Breeze and you safe - that's my reason for getting stronger. But you're a healer, not a fighter. You can't protect her in combat. You don't have defense. You can't cast a shield or a wall that'll protect her. You know that.”

“NEITHER CAN YOU!” I scream out.

“I KNOW!” He snaps back. “That's why I have to be faster, stronger. So I can kill that something that can hurt her before it gets the chance. My job is to watch her back, so nothing gets in her way. So that she can focus on what's in front of her and push forward. That's why I can fight next to her. You can't do the same for her, Star.”

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

“YES I CAN!”

“NO, YOU CAN'T!”

“WHY NOT!”

“BECAUSE YOU'RE WEAK, STAR! That's why!” My body runs over and slaps Crile across the face. I grit my teeth. He looks at me.

"Weak weak weak weak!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP SAYING IT!!!"

"AS MANY TIMES AS I HAVE TO BEFORE YOU'LL ADMIT IT!!" For the first time ever I hear Crile thunder down as he has just now... He takes a moment... “You're weak, Star. You know that." He says calmly again. "Admit it. She'll never allow you to fight on equal ground with her, even if you do get better at fighting. You know that... That's why all you can do is stay back. You're–“ I slap him again. He grabs my hand.

“Don't you dare tell me I am weak again! I heard enough of that!” I spit the words out.

“I was going to say that you're too precious to Breeze. She'll never put you in harms way. Why do you think she fights like a madman even in practice? So that nothing gets the chance to hurt you. She doesn't care much for her safety, but she does care for yours.” Crile's look is full of sadness. That pisses me off even more and my other hand goes in for another slap. He catches me half way again.

“Slap me again and I swear I'll hit back.” He glares at me for a brief moment. I slip my palm out of his clutch. Or should I say he let me slip it out...

“Starlight, listen to me. Neither Breeze, nor I want you to get hurt. We both care about you.”

“You have a funny way of showing that, bullying me all the time as you do.”

“Well I'm sorry about that. I find you too adorable when you pout.” He smiles softly. I hate it how I know that it is a soft and gentle smile… It’d be so much easier to hate him if he was mocking and looking down on me for real...

“I'm not a toy!” I finally say it.

“I know. But neither is Breeze. She does not belong to you.”

“She's not yours either!” I stare at him.

“I know. Breeze belongs to no-one but herself, but there's only one thing she truly needs and that's freedom.” He says calm and quiet... I hate the look in his eyes.

“Tch. What makes you such an expert on what Zarri needs?” The storm inside of me make me prick at him again.

“Haven't you noticed by now?” How happy she looks when she goes all out? When she doesn't restrain herself? Hell! How do you think I got these!” He pulls his sleeve up and shows me the healing claw marks again. I take another look at Crile's face. I get flashbacks... The marks on his neck, the bloody lip... The scratches on his face...

“You said it was a wild cat..” I whisper...

“Yeah. Breeze. She's a wild beast and I love her for it. She's not meant to play pretend, hide her feelings or wants, nor does she need to play well with others to begin with! She's happiest when she's free to be herself. Why do you think I play the part of her punching bag so often? Do you know just how much of her own being she bottles up everyday? I let her use me as an outlet so she doesn't explode, destroying herself.”

I stare at Crile... I... He continues.

“She wants freedom. She's changing personalities left and right because she's trying so desperately to fit in, to find herself, but she doesn't need to. She doesn't need to downgrade herself for others, she just needs to be herself. All the time. That's all.” He pauses. I feel my face get wet... It's frustrating...

“Keeping her safe, like you want to do, is not the way to make her happy, Star.” Crile's voice eases up...

“I REFUSE TO HAVE YOU BE THE ONE TO TELL ME THIS!!!” I shriek. I hate him so much...

“Though luck. Cause I'm probably the only one who will ever tell you this to your face.”

“Are you pitying me? Is that it? Is that why you tell me all of this? Are you telling me to give up? Because I'm not good enough?” I clench my fists and keep staring at my feet.

“No, Star. I'm telling you this because I want to set you free too. Your feelings are killing you. They will eat you up slowly from within if you don't do something. You're my best friend, whether you think of me the same or not doesn't interest me. I care about you just as much as I care about Breeze and Emerald. I can't keep watching you suffer alone in silence as you are. You need to stop being afraid for your own sake.”

“Ha!” I finally crack. A rigid laughter seeps out of my throat. “Ok. Fine. I will. But aren't you afraid? That I'll take her from you? Aren't you afraid that she'll reject you and choose me?” I grin at him with every ounce of contempt I have for him.

“Of course I am.” Crile answers calm and plain. “But I'd rather lose her to you than to some random bastard who'll never be able to appreciate her.” Huh? “Star.”

“What.”

“Don't let fear control you. Let go of it and it will set you free. There isn't a better feeling than that, take my word for it.” Crile smiles at me. I hate that smile. I hate how warm and sincere it is... Why doesn't he hate me...

“Answer me one thing.” I tighten my lips and fists.

“Sure.”

“If you knew about my feelings for Zarri, then why didn’t you tell her?”

“Oh, Star-dear, I may love you, and want you to be happy, but I'm not generous enough to do your work for you. Your feelings are none of my business, you said so yourself and I agree. That's why I'm telling you all this and not her. I made my peace with my confession. What Breeze decides to do with it is up to her and her alone to decide.”

“Then why even give me a fighting chance?”

“I told you - you're my best friend, Amana. I do want you to be happy.” Crile smiles at me again.

“I hate you. “I glare at him through the tears. He laughs quietly again.

“I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just thought you deserve to know the truth.”

“Could have fooled me...” I turn away from him. I feel Crile's arms surround me.

“Whatever happens, just know that you, Starlight, will always be my friend. Both of you.” I feel a light peck on the top of my head.

“I've done enough damage for one night. I'll see you tomorrow. Rest well.” He lets me go and leaves me, without waiting for an answer... I hate him so much... I hate it how right he is too... I cover my face and weep quietly, surrounded by nothing more than the night and the storm inside of me...

    “Crile confessed to me.” Zarri tells me the next day before going to bed.

“He did? When?” I try to play along...

“Last night.” She curls her knees up to her face.

“Well? What did you say?”

“Nothing. He said I can think about it...”

“Oh. And?”

“I don’t know...”

“Well.” I try to hold myself together. “Why... Why don’t you sleep with him? Maybe that will help you decide?” I try to smile.

“I already did.” Uugghh.. I knew it… I did not want to hear that from her...

“Really! When! Wait. How was it?” I don’t know which part I should play...

“I liked it. A lot.” Zarri answers simple and sharp. So she's serious then...

“Well? Why not then? He's already hang out with you all year round?”

“That's just it...” Zarri crawls down her bed and rests her head in my lap. She hasn’t done this in years!! “This would change everything.”

“Like what?” I stroke her head nice and slow...

“It's different when romance happens... Everything hurts more and it's not as easy to make up like we do now...”

“And yet you screamed for him at the lake.” I remind her.

“That was different.”

“How?”

“I don’t want to lose either one of you.” She hugs my waist. “I’m selfish like that...”

“Think he'll stay with you if you reject him?”

“I can’t be with him just because of that!” She pouts.

“Oh? So then you don’t love him?”

“I... I don’t know... I don’t know what love is...” I do. She's in my lap right now... “I don’t even know if I am allowed to love him...or anyone...”

Riiight... “Well. What else can I say? Take your time then.” Zarri doesn’t answer anything, but doesn’t move either.

“Least I don’t have to worry about losing you this way...” Eh? Zarri looks up at me. Such bitter sweet eyes she has...

“That's right!” I force a smile. “I'll always be your friend! In this life and the next!” I giggle.

“Thanks, Ammi. That's a relief...” Zarri moves up and hugs me. I hug her back with shaking arms. I tighten my grip around her to hide the trembles.

“We should get to bed. Those night shifts kill me.”

“Oh, sure, sorry about that.” Zarri lets me go and blows out the candles.

“Sweet dreams.”

“Rest well.” I answer, curling up under the blanket. Damn it... I messed up... I missed my chance... I’m... I’m such a big idiot...

   The next day Crile gets send off on a separate mission without us, because a team needed someone extra. Zarri has been on edge this whole week. According to the Office, they should have been back by now. That “should have” bothers Zarri more than anything. I keep talking her out of going after them. Her mood worsens with each day Crile does not come back. If that is not proof of her feeling then I don’t know what is...

    Crile is missing in action. He set out days ago with another team and has yet to return. Ever since he confessed to me I have been more restless. I noticed that even without Star telling me... I barely slept a wink the past week... Star hasn’t come back from the bathroom yet and it's the middle of the night too. A shiver goes down my spine. I know this shiver...

“Ouch.”

“Crile!” I jump out of the bed.

“Hey! Did I wake you?”

“Crile...”

“Sorry, we just got back and I wanted to see you... Huh? Where's Star? She ok?” I rustle out of the bed and search for him in the dark. He finds me first.

“Hey there...” His hands move around me. I feel his warmth...

“What happened? You were gone so long...”

“The moronoids messed up and we got lost! Can you believe that! I thought I was gonna wring someone’s neck!” He hisses in the dark. I giggle. “I ended up lecturing the dimwits instead.” I giggle more...

“I see...”

"Did you miss me?" He asks, playfully brushing a strand of hair away from my face.

“Yes. I did. A lot.”

“Eh?? Huh??”

“I missed you.”

“Say that again. I’m hearing things... I think...”

I kiss him instead.

“Oh that, I hear loud and clear.” He kisses me back. He has a prickly beard… Guess he didn’t bother keeping up appearances… I also sense… Dirt… Grass… Water… Sweat… I know this scent… I like this scent… This sent relaxes me… We make out in the middle of the room. Nice and slow...

“Does this mean you have my answer?” He whispers.

“Yes. Here. Take it.” I kiss him again. I feel him grin between the kisses.

“Mmm. Lovely...”

“Wanna sleep here tonight?”

“Can I? What about? No, wait. I haven’t even...”

“We don’t have to do anything...” I slide my hands under his shirt. “I just miss you.” Crile slips out of his shirt and pants. We huddle up in my bed. I don’t even care that he hasn’t bathed yet... I just cozy up against his arm he has hooked over me and drift away for the first time in ten days...

    I hate those midnight strolls to the bathroom... They always seem to take forever... I come back to our room and carefully open the door. I catch a glimpse of something by the help of the hallway lights and quickly shut the door again.

“What the...” I creak open the door again just a slit and something dies inside of me. Guess she has her answer... I come back inside the room and slip into my empty bed.

  I avoid staying alone with Crile as much as I can the next few days. I already know what he'll say and hearing that once was more than I can handle...

“Star.” I flinch from my own name. Crile slithers out of my shadow behind me. DAMN IT!

“I’m busy.”

“The hell you are.” He circles me, blocking my way.

“I don’t have time right now.”

“Then make some.”

“I need get these to the...” I jingle the box of vials and potions. Crile swipes it out of my hands and holds it over his head one handed.

“Will you look me in the eyes already!” He grabs my wrist with his free hand. “You didn’t tell her, did you.” I don’t answer.

“Did you!”

“NO! HOW COULD I! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER!!!” I snap on the spot... “She was torn up because she didn’t know if she was allowed to love you even... I couldn’t hurt her like that…" Crile lowers the box back down.

“That doesn’t mean you can’t simply tell her. Even now.” He hands me the box back. “I’m ok with it, just so you know.”

“I’m well aware of it!” I snatch the box out of his hands and almost drop the whole thing. Crile catches it in time without saying anything.

“I’m choosing not to tell her. Ever.” I tough up, for the first time in my damned life. “If you breathe even so much as a word to her about this I will do what I said back at the lake. You haven’t forgotten, have you?”

“You mean the thing where you'll splatter me like a firework? Yeah, I remember.”

“Good. Because now your curse has doubled. Hurt her - get splattered. Tell her - get splattered. Understood?”

“Yes. Question.” He raises his hand.

“What?” I answer annoyed beyond my limit.

“Are you sure? Can you continue living by her side without even so much as giving yourself a chance?”

“Yes.” I lie. “See. I have a plan. I'll simply take my time and wait for you to mess up and then I'll just swoop in and save the day! Knowing you - I say my options are looking good.” I grin. Crile blinks a few times and bursts out laughing.

“Deal.” He extends his hand to me. I throw him another look. He crouches down and locates my pinky under the box.

“It's a promise then.” He tells me smiling.

“Whatever.” I shake him off and carry on with my work and my suffering...

    Life has been dull and flavorless ever since I found Zarri and Crile cuddled up in her bed together. Lying to her has become as easy as breathing. Putting on a smile when I want to scream has been a cinch too. If before I'd feel uneasy and ashamed then now I felt nothing... Nothing besides coldblooded rage... I finally became a Cornutese hunter in the truest sense. I stalked my prey from up close. Waiting for that one, single moment. That one, single opening... That one, single mistake... I'll stake it out, no matter how long it takes.