Strangely enough, human police officers tend to be very quiet. In my admittedly then shallow research into the history of police forces in the region I was visiting, those designated in enforcing the law had some serious problems. They were not required to protect the citizens, nor know the laws they were sent to enforce. Training was as deep as a desert rain puddle, lasting only a handful of weeks before issuing lethal weapons and endowing these humans with both lethal authority and security against prosecution or consequences for bad decisions. It was routine for intelligent police officers to go unhired or even be fired, as less intelligence was actually preferred, and violence by law enforcement was routine.
It was much to my relief that reforms in subsequent years after widespread failures by law enforcement, that a number of reforms were enacted. Training for law enforcement was raised from weeks to two years with mandatory education in law. Police unions were dismantled, bodycams were standardized and officers not in exigent circumstances would be fired if they worked while their camera was off. Legal reforms defined the job of law enforcement as the protection of citizens and a national ‘do not hire’ database was created that prohibited with prejudice the hiring of violent law enforcement agents. They were not permitted work in any sector that required security or protection of property or public wellbeing.
Deescalation mandates were put into place where officer escalation was grounds for termination, and summary termination for involvement in harassing complainants became routine. As a result, the present day law enforcement officers were quiet professionals… and I did not get shot.
The ride in their car was, if anything, a relief. At the time I didn’t realize why I’d begun to feel so relaxed. But with time to reflect on it all, I realized something. Fauve was fine. William was taking action to help me, and the failed human I now call ‘Wolfbeard’ was probably having a very bad time. Human medical technology is remarkable, but no less so than human vindictiveness, and I doubted that anyone would be showing him special care.
To explain what I mean, consider the human thoughts on their fellows to be measurable, like a beaker with an upper limit, and any emotion you put into it, leaves room for that much less of anything else. For better or worse, humans seem to have strong protective instincts to the point of bias in favor of children, particularly young girls who are seen as more vulnerable. If someone is accused of harming a young girl, that ‘beaker of emotions’ for the accused is filled with an intense amount of hatred. By contrast, if someone is accused of ‘harming’ someone who has harmed young girls, that emotion holding beaker is filled with an intense amount of affection.
By the same token, humans have intrinsic biases on appearance… and this is frequently a cause for misfortune and sadness as a human’s outer appearance says nothing about who they are inside. This means emotion beakers get defaults of affection or dislike just at a single glance, something that is difficult for people to overcome. But on this occasion, it worked in my favor.
When we arrived at the police station, I found it to be a two floor building with double doors of glass and metal. The officers opened the door and allowed me to slide out without handling me roughly. Here again is a distinction between humans and many other species. The variability of individuals being as broad as it is, their culture shifts from generation to generation, and so their institutions change to adapt. A study of Zenti legal systems would not change much from one century to the next except for their adaptations to new technology.
As caste systems are so common and division of labor so sharp, the cultures of other worlds, once so fascinating to me, now seem drab. Even something as simple as how an officer of the law interacts with a citizen on Earth seemed far more vibrant and alive. It is true that this variation in humans creates a wide variety of ‘failed humans’ such as this variety known as ‘neckbeard’. But with this variation comes their artists, their thinkers, their reformers, their creators of all kinds.
The infinite potential of every single human willing to embrace their differences has not ceased to fascinate me, not in the fifty years I spent on their world and sharing their lives.
As one example, when we emerged from the police car, I asked the officer nearest to me, “Did you always want to be a police officer?”
He seemed surprised by the question and he looked me up and down like he was looking for some sign of mockery. I cocked my head, humans seemed to like that, and it got him to relax. “No.”
“He wanted to be a clown.” His female partner said with a laugh, I could see the way her hand twitched, not toward her weapon, but whenever I cocked my head, it seemed humans had to fight the urge to reach for the spot between my ears. Her chest rose and fell while her partner’s face turned red.
I’d only heard of clowns as an insult, and seeing my confusion, the male chose to answer, perhaps because I was an alien and not expected to know much. “Heh, she’s not kidding. I went to college and took a clown class elective. I can still make balloon animals, best class I ever took. I still use those skills to help settle kids down sometimes.”
I was at the top of the stairs right before the door when he said that, and before we went in, I stopped dead in my tracks. “Can I see?”
The woman’s hand was on my arm, holding me steady, humans and their physical contact… they’re a very touchy species, and I was rapidly finding that I didn’t mind that at all.
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Her partner though, he let go, reached into his pocket, pulled out a long balloon and after a long puff of air was put into it from his lips, began to twist, shape, and wrangle a shape into being.
“Ta-da.” He said at last and held out the red rubber to me, “A dog. It seemed fitting.” He said, and I was allowed to raise my hands up to hold it.
“Wow… can I keep this?” I asked and looked down at it, and I had to wonder something. ‘What mad genius found a way to make sculptures out of air?’
The officer seemed quite pleased with my praise, but held out his hand, “Not through booking, but I’ll put it in my locker and give it back to you when you get out of here.”
“Wait, leave? Am I not under arrest?” I asked and looked down at my handcuffs, humans use jewelry for many things, including things they themselves describe as ‘pervy’. But I was almost completely sure that I hadn’t gotten caught up in a human reproductive game without noticing.
Almost.
The officer was quick to reassure me, leaning forward and rising up on his tiptoes he said, “We’ve gotten complaints about that guy before. The way your friend was yelling and with all those witnesses, he skates by because of his rich daddy, but nobody is looking to hold someone who got in the way of his creepy actions. His daddy’s money may buy him a lot of passes, but you’re an important guest. If you want my guess, you won’t be here for more than a few hours.”
Here I have to pause a happy narrative to relay something unfortunate. For many years, wealthy humans bought justice for themselves, or rather, bought their way out of justice. In the past, humans with billions of dollars could do anything they wished and because of their vast wealth, leverage a kind of immunity for themselves. Many treated these figures as boons to their societies, however it was found over time that the absolute power wielded by unelected people created a deep disconnect between themselves and both their world and the consequences of their actions. So after many years, a social compromise was reached.
They capped personal wealth at twenty-five million dollars, what would today be thirty million galactic credits, and put a statue of anyone who reached that cap in a public place, declaring that they ‘won capitalism’. All subsequent wealth was taxed and provided for vast social programs. Some of their billionaires resisted this at first, attempting to use art scams and false charities to funnel wealth back to themselves, but as the knot tightened it became harder and harder to accomplish.
So today a wealthy house might be able to buy ‘some’ localized security from the law, but he could never buy as much immunity from the law as he wanted.
Thus the human officer was certain I would be kept only for a very short period of time.
The booking process was an odd one, I pressed my fingers to a machine with a little red light, and it refused to read me. In the end they just entered the word ‘alien’ on a computer screen and let me move on in the process.
I stood in front of a white wall with black bars evenly spaced with numbers beside them and held a placard with my name on it and was photographed front and side.
And then I was led into a small confined area of stone behind a door made of bars with just enough space to reach my hand and arm through if I wanted. There were thin cots suspended along the wall, and a passed out bald human lay snoring on one side of the room.
Human snoring sounds much like machines sawing through thick wood, I admit, it is not my favorite noise. It is somehow worse when humans are thoroughly intoxicated.
I sat on one of the cots, the mattress was soft under my hind quarters, my tail didn’t wag and I rested my arms on my knees, there was nothing decorative on the wall and there were no books or games to pass the time. So I just watched the drunk human sleep. I could still smell the alcohol on him, and I had to wonder how much he’d had.
A note on human intoxication. Humans are not the only species to get intoxicated, certain other primates are known to pursue fermented fruits or even steal bottles of alcohol from passing humans. But humans are unique in that they produce it, and they do so knowing what they produce.
They produce poison. Humans poison themselves for pleasure. I just happened to be lucky that as it turned out, some of it is really good. How did this get started, you may wonder. Recall that humans were once hunter gatherers, they walked the land of Africa along the coast, eating grains, shellfish, and whatever else they could walk to death. In the course of these travels they often carried food supplies, sometimes leaving it in place for long periods before returning to it. At some point in that time, humans stored grains somewhere in the open, and rain descended, filling the container.
These coming and going rains resulted in the grains within undergoing fermentation before the humans could return, and when they did, some bold human drank it. This was the first beer.
While little is known of this era, what is known is that shortly after this, humans began settling down into communities and growing more of these grains. Early storage containers dating back to the dawn of civilization show that there is beer stored that long predates the invention of bread. Mathematics was developed in order to keep track of supplies, astronomy developed to keep track of planting and harvesting times. Tools were invented to create more stable buildings to live in long term and to ensure the easy harvesting of these supplies. Irrigation was invented to allow broader planting of these crops, and roads were developed to ensure smooth transportation of supplies from place to place.
Even early records indicate that human currency was often based on beer. Thus, human civilization developed so that humans could more efficiently experience pleasurable poisons.
I suppose what I’m saying is… humans love to get drunk.
Ironically ‘drunks’ are generally looked down upon, as they impede the performance of social obligations, instead alcohol is used as a social lubricant, making the sexes both bolder and more receptive to suggestions from the lewd to the loony. Just a little poison is considered good, too much, is considered bad, and part of their maturation process is learning to find that happy medium.
Whether this makes humans scarier than before or not, as they are almost the only known intelligent species to enjoy poisoning themselves? I have never truly come to a conclusion. But staring at the big smile on the drunkard’s face, wondering if he’d done something or if he was locked away for his own safety after a few too many? I think ‘scary’ is an important word to keep in mind with humans.
Having said that? I thought of Lisa and Mark and that marvelous first shot of bourbon. I think that was probably the first moment I realized that humans and dlamisa might make for marvelous partner races.