One of the most remarkable things about sandwiches is how widespread they are. The ‘sandwich’ has been invented in some form by dozens of intelligent species. The Arcanians use the natural silk that they produce, line it into strips, pound it with their foreleg, and then lay their food over top, after which they lay another silk layer over the food. Of course this keeps the live meal from escaping, whereas human sandwiches do not consist of living things. But the principal is the same.

Where the human sandwich stands out is in the sheer variety of foods that this omnivorous species is able to consume. It’s a telling thing about the homo sapien species that ‘food’ is their single greatest drive. They will die if they go without water for a relatively short period of time, hence why their civilizations began around sources of water. But it is ‘food’ that drives their mobility more than anything else.

The typical intelligent species has roughly twelve to twenty forms of food that they can ingest for nutrients, and it has long been theorized in Gelkmaiz’s Theory of Evolution by Nutritional Minimalism, that it is this minimalist drive for consumption enabled intelligent life to advance to a civilized level. Less time spent consuming or searching for food meant more time to work on creative projects.

But humanity overturns this theory completely, as they will eat almost anything. Hence the theory I present, ‘Bailey’s Theory of Dietary Intelligence’ is that this highly omnivorous predatory species developed its creativity not just by way of its high socialization, but in order to ensure its dietary needs could be met. They can kill anything, and anything they can kill, they can consume, which presents new opportunities for survival.

And to that theory, I credit the sandwich given to me by Fauve. It contained five different types of meat from four different animals. Bacon, roast beef, ham, chicken, turkey, and two different types of cheese with a very thick bun.

It was this dietary experience that was also behind my transmission suggesting that more work should be done on expanding dietary ranges for my own species, as the more complex diet of human foods worked wonders on my health. Strange, perhaps, but it was long theorized even by humans that life evolved elsewhere and was seeded on Earth in a bacterial state by way of an asteroid. It is conceivable that our compatibility is related to our common origins. To that end I suggest extensive genetic testing to determine if there is any truth behind this, if it is so, and I am right… then humans, Dlamisans, Arcanians… our evolutionary tree makes us all one family of endless cousins.

After eating my sandwich I was still hungry, and eyed the refrigerator where the chilled meat was stored, humans dislike rotted meat, they have strangely delicate digestive systems. They can handle almost no parasites or rot, though they are known to eat certain cheeses with maggots, the truth is that despite their broad diet, they are very susceptible to ‘bad food’ and spoilage in human terms is much earlier than say, ‘spoilage’ in arcanian terms.

I was never able to properly grasp just why their ability to consume so many kinds of food was so wide, but the window in which it was viable to do so was so small. At most all I can say is that their ability to consume many things compensates for the shorter window in which to do so.

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At that moment though, all I wanted was another sandwich, my jaw opened and I’m not ashamed to say that I was panting. I turned on the kitchen sink and dipped my head in to begin lapping up the water. Humans are clever about their plumbing solutions, and as such they maintain a steady flow of water at all times that they can activate at will.

As such I had clean filtered water with no parasites or filth, in an instant, they even allowed for the setting of temperature, thus letting me have it exactly as I wished.

The crisp cool water was a great relief to me after what I’d just eaten, though I kept my eye on their meat storage box, the colloquially termed ‘fridge’.

Keep in mind that of course, I am ‘always working’ while on this task so I made special note of all my surroundings. The kitchen and dining area was united in one broad room, and there were a number of conveniences laid out to make it more pleasant. A viewing screen with a gaming console, a clock combined with a radio, they had a machine for cleaning dishes, the cold box where they kept meat, a motorized can release device, a ‘can opener’.

Humans are the ‘masters’ of recombination, they will turn any two items into something to kill with, play with, or work with. And I mean anything. But I will explain how this pertains to their mating games later, and the thirty-fourth rule that all humanity follows.

For now it is enough to understand that I was hungry, I hadn’t asked Fauve for permission to make another, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do. Guests who wake their hosts are considered to be very rude.

Humans prize their skills as hosts very highly, and a good host will go out of their way to provide for all the comforts of their guest, some human cultures will give to the guest anything the guest merely ‘admires’ even if it is the only luxury the host possesses. Others will share a tent even with a hated enemy if the storm is bad… they will risk their lives for their guests, merely because the guest is in fact a guest. It is sacred to them to treat those far from home, as they would wish to be treated when they travel in turn. And not much is more loathed than someone who abuses that guest trust.

However… a guest too has obligations to treat their host with respect, to honor their possessions. Disrespecting the boundaries of the host are liable to see you ejected. Sexual congress with a spouse, theft, overconsumption, or demands for money, goods, or services, are beyond the pale of rudeness. A guest may ‘hint’ at their wish, or if it is something ‘necessary’ such as food, water, orifice waste disposal, they may ask directly.

But beyond that, humans expect to be allowed to ‘offer’ things to their guest, and feel put upon if the guest demands it, even if the host were willing to give it anyway.

This put me in an uncomfortable position. I was hungry, but waking my host to ask for food seemed rude, even if they had implied I could simply take what I wanted. So, utterly at a loss and unable to sleep, I poured a cup of coffee and sat at their table to wait.

The house in which they lived had multiple windows, and around the time when the sun began to rise enough for its light to touch me at the table, I finally heard a door open.

I swung my head around and wagged my tail back and forth, and saw Rebecca enter the room. “May I please have a sandwich?” I asked, I really hated asking, and it was hard for me to look up at her face, though I did notice she was rubbing her eyes.

She looked at me, mute at first, still rubbing her eyes, and asked, “For breakfast? I guess, if you want. But I was about to make some bacon and eggs. Would you like both? And how long have you just been sitting here in the dark? If you’re hungry, just eat. Our home is your home for the next fifty years, so please, don’t just sit there…rumbling, for hours.” She laughed a little when my jaw opened wider…

Both of my stomachs were growling in sync, and I had stressed out so much that I hadn’t heard them.

Leave it to a human to make a joke out of worries and anxiety, and then combine it with a little generosity to make everything better.