The day of the conference arrived far faster than Harvey had expected and he once more found himself standing in front of the hated convention center.
Nervously adjusting his tie, he breathed in deep and slipped into his other persona.
He couldn't help but notice it was easier now.
Crowds he had once needed to fight past subtly parted before him. He felt like Moses parting the red sea. A conductor of a divine message.
Now all he needed was to deliver it.
The auditorium was massive, easily enough to fit hundreds of people, and it was packed with people.
Harvey swallowed nervously.
Soon the presentations began, spoken on a myriad of subjects. Wealth inequalities, pay gaps, government bills, and other equally interesting topics flew past.
Harvey had always liked these presentations. They were interesting and well done. But today it was all he could do to not burst into cold sweat. Waves of panic crashed into him, wearing down the foundation of his resolve
Was he really doing this?
He tried shifting into the breathing exercises his therapist had taught him, but as always they didn't work. Desperate to center himself, he fled into a new fantasy.
He saw the people below rise to give him a roaring ovation. He saw his ideas being discussed, his books being read. He saw the people cheer as he freed them from the cycle of ego.
And he began to relax.
When his time came to speak, he had two goals.
Destroy the cycle of ego.
And bask in the applause of his peers.
Which one was more important is a mystery.
He spoke with the fervor of a zealot, condensing the result of months of research into a single speech. He revealed the black halo and its frantic cycling. Talked of the still city, devoid of color.
Finally, he reached the conclusion,
“The purpose of our society is to grow and nurture the constructs dear to us.” he said, “To promote freedom, equality, choice, and all the other values we stand for. To let the cycle spin is to let it consume those colors, to strip us of those values. To let it spin is to let it become the goal itself rather than a means. I will not stand for such a transgression. Society was born out of man’s desire for stability. We cannot stagnate until we have achieved that dream. Together, we can break the cycle. Thank you.”
For a moment there was a heartstopping silence. Then he was met with applause. It wasn't the fervent ovation of his imagination, but it was applause nonetheless.
With a relieved smile, he bowed and left the stage.
And was immediately set upon by a group of people asking questions,
“What are the consequences of stagnation?”
“Can you expand upon the still city?”
“What inspired this topic?”
It was overwhelming being the center of attention, but affirming all the same. He was the one they wanted to talk to. He was important enough to talk to. Pride swelled within him.
Finally, he was rescued by none other than Dr. Vlader.
“Excellent speech, Harvey.”
“Thank you.”
“Would you be interested in speaking again at the Sukirt conference next month? I have some connections and I'm sure I could get you a slot.”
Harvey thought about the stress of the preparation and prepared to decline, but then a new image came to mind. Him standing in the center of eager people, asking questions and actually being interested in his work. It was an intoxicating feeling.
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“I would be honored,” he replied.
—-------------------------------------------
The next few months were the best Harvey could remember. He flew all over the world, giving presentations to crowds of his peers. Engaging in intellectual discussion, and peer reviewing other works. He even appeared in the Humanities Weekly, a famous magazine.
Over time the persona he had constructed felt less and less strange until he couldn't even recognize himself anymore. He had gained muscle as a result of the exercise he had started. A fit physique made more people pay attention, after all.
His theories grew more and more detailed, sharpened, and defined through the experiences he had accrued over the course of his travels.
Soon, he told himself, soon it would be time to use his theories to break the cycle.
But now, what harm was one more speech?
—-------------------------------------------
However, the dream couldn't last. Harvey found himself slowly slipping out of the limelight as new theories emerged, some built off of his. He fought for it bitterly, not wanting to give up his newfound confidence and influence. He found himself even more anxious than before, desperately scheming ways to stay in control. But it was to no avail. The more he struggled the faster he slipped. He knew he needed to act fast, use the last remaining shreds of his influence to try and break the cycle. He needed to denounce the system and push for change. But he kept thinking back to the people he would disappoint and anger with such an action. It was ok to study it from a purely academic standpoint, even ok to say action must be taken. But to actually take action?
Unforgivable.
He would go from a position of influence to an outcast instantly.
Was it even possible with his faded influence? Maybe he should just leave it and find a new thing to study. Something new that would get him back into the limelight. Maybe if he stayed there long enough he would have the requisite influence.
The thought of his fading was depressing, and he decided to try and cheer himself up. He drove to downtown Baltic, the city he lived in. Among the brilliant light and laughing couples, he walked alone. He was out of his element, away from the people that recognized his worth.
He hesitated outside of a bar advertising a comedian.
Perhaps he just needed something to cheer him up. He had always loved comedy.
Sighing he pushed open the doors and entered the building.
Immediately he was greeted with the heartening roar of laughter. On the stage a short man seemed to dance around the wide stage, words pouring out of his mouth in an enthusiastic punchline.
“...and the man said, What horse?”
…I’ve always found comedy strange.
And still, the laughter of the audience skyrocketed to new heights, and despite himself Harvey found the good cheer provoking a laugh from his as well.
He quickly found himself a seat and sat back to enjoy the routine. After a few more jokes the comedian called for a helper.
Harvey raised his hand without thinking.
“You there.” the comedian said, indicating Harvey, “What's your name?”
“Harvey Marks”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I have a Ph.D. in sociology and have gained some renown in the field. I mostly do research and conferences.”
“Oooh, we got a hotshot, huh,” the comedian laughed, “How many conferences have you been to?”
“Dozens”
“What do you do with your research? Is there like some sort of government office for good ideas? Nah,” he laughed, “Our economy would be such shit if they did.”
He got a few laughs for that.
Harvey, meanwhile, was about to respond before really thinking about the question, before frowning.
“Nothing” he whispered.
“What was that?” the comedian yelled.
“Umm… Nothing.” Harvey replied louder.
“Nothing? Come on man. What the point then?”
The question hit Harvey even harder,
“I…I…I”
“We don't have all night!” the comedian yelled.
Harvey was at a loss. He had started with a purpose in mind, but now he didn't know what to do. Duty fought ego and pride fought knowledge.
“I don't know.” Harvey finally replied.
“Really, man? A sociologist that doesn't know what the point of his work is? Well folks I don't even need to make a joke here, It's already in perfect shape.”
Laughter spread throughout the venue.
“Unlike our economy.”
The laughter soared even louder.
Harvey found himself numb, shaken to his core by horrible revelation. He had entered the cycle to break it, and it had subverted him instead. Now, he was held hostage in its soft rebukes and expensive clothes. Entrapped by the glittering people and bold ideas. His mind was clear for the first time in months. He was a joke. They all were. He knew that now. But he also knew that insight wouldn't last. In the face of the relentless spinning of the cycle, it would eventually be subsumed. Ground to dust.
The cycle would capture him again. It held them all. Now that he knew what awaited him at the peak, there was no living at the foot.
He didn't want to live a life of endless striving for the pointless peak, the apex of ignorance.
No, he refused.
The last words of Ludon an Erduk came to him,
“There is only one way to escape.”
He knew what he must do.