Opening his refrigerator, Markus pulled out some bacon, a tomato and some lettuce. Time for the perfect lunch. Slathering some mayo on the bread, he built his sandwich and tore into it just as a knock sounded on his door.
Sandwich in hand, he opened the front door to see a younger man of about twenty or so, with light brown hair and freckles on his ruddy face.
Swallowing, Markus greeted the man. “Yes? Can I help you?”
“You are Markus, yes?” The young man’s baritone had a hint of Eastern Europe in it.
Nodding, Markus wiped his hand on his hip and stuck it out the door. “And you are…?”
“Dmitri. I will be training you in an hour. May I come in?”
Retracting the ignored hand, Markus stood to the side and allowed the man entry. “Welcome to my home, Dmitri. Make yourself comfortable.”
Walking in, Dmitri grunted in what Markus assumed to be an affirmative reply. With a soft sigh, Markus closed the door. I hope he isn’t always this surly. Could be a pain, otherwise.
“Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee? Tea? A BLT?”
“Hmm? No. I am okay without those things. Please have a seat. I would like to see what Cecily taught you.”
Markus shook his head. Being grilled in my own home not an hour after my very first shift? Who is this guy? He took a seat at the kitchen table, beckoning for the man to join him.
“I do not eat outside of my kitchen, Dmitri.”
“Smart. Keeps vermin and filth to a minimum. Now. Tell me what you learned.”
In between bites of his sandwich, Markus gave Dmitri the rundown of what he learned, where certain Punishment and Paradise halls were located, how to get to Purgatory, as well as how to reach the SIGN department.
“Acceptable. Bare minimum, but you work with what you get during a shift. This I know. I cannot be too hard on the plant lady, as she does good work. Rarely does she have a complaint lodged against her, and those are almost always dismissed. I am not Plant Lady. I am blunt, and have no desire to coddle the dead. They are dead. What care do I have for their feelings?”
Dmitri sat back and crossed his arms in front of his chest, watching Markus like a cat keeps sentry over a mouse hole. Markus finished his sandwich at an even pace, licking the mayo and tomato juice from his fingers.
“I find that mentality abhorrent, Dmitri. Dead or not, they are still people. I will treat them as such, and if your method of training will treat them as less than, I’ll have to ask you to leave.” Markus stood and pushed his chair under the table.
Dmitri stood, pushing his chair under the table. “You are certain, Markus?”
“Leave, Dmitri.”
Dmitri walked to the front door, his hand on the knob. “Last chance. You have made your decision, Markus Barton?”
Markus clenched his hands until his joints popped. “Three.”
Dmitri opened the door, revealing what had to be his office. “You pass, Markus Barton. I look forward to working with you.” A broad smile broke out across his freckled face.
“Excuse the fuck out me? You expect me to work with you after you’ve disrespected me and my mentality towards people?”
“Actually, yes. You have principles and you are steadfast and resolute in them. I appreciate that so much more than you know, and before we go any further, I am not the person I displayed here. Death will back this up if you wish to ask him. Please, Markus. The shift begins in…” He checked his watch. “Fifteen minutes. I usually have some interesting souls come through.”
Markus took a deep breath. “Are you serious? You’re not a dickhead?”
Dmitri laughed. “Yeah. Well, no, I am a dickhead, just not to the souls that come through. Not their fault they died. Unless it actually was their fault, in which case I’m still not a dickhead to them, but I digress. I’m fairly certain I’m a lot like you. I’m not a Cecily by any means, but I’m not mean to them unless they somehow deserve it.” He beckoned once more. “Come on. There is plenty to do, and I have ice cold sweet tea in my office.”
“If I get one whiff that you treat them as subhuman, I’m out. You hear me?”
“Trust that that will not happen, my friend. On my honor. On Death’s honor, even.”
Markus heaved a breath and walked into Dmitri’s office. “Goddamn well better hold to that.”
“You should know, as a fellow Norse Pagan, what my oath and honor mean.”
Markus stopped just inside the doorway, staring at the man. “Norse Pagan? You? What part of Kentucky are you from?”
Dmitri shut the door, and smiled as he passed, saying only one word: “Hazard.”
“Oh shit. From deep in the holler, aren’t you?”
Dmitri laughed, opening the minifridge beside his desk. “You could say that.” He set a gallon jug of dark tea on the desk, handing Markus a cup.
Markus looked around, noting the old-style wooden paneling on the walls, evoking the memory of his grandmother’s house, to the pictures of storms and lightning adorning the walls. He spied a shelf in the corner beside the desk that housed some statuary; figurines of Thor, Odin, Loki and Freyja atop a simple, dark blue cloth. It seemed Dmitri was being truthful.
Dmitri poured a healthy amount of tea into Markus’ cup, and filled his own a moment later. “To new partnerships and fruitful ventures. Hail!” Dmitri raised his cup and Markus followed suit a half second later, and both drank.
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“Holy shit, that’s good tea. I’ve never had tea quite that rich before. What kind is it?”
“Enjoy it. It’s almost four hundred years old. I think this particular batch is from sixteen fifty-two? I’ll have to check.”
Markus stared at the man. “And you’re using it to make simple sweet tea? Dmitri, this could fetch thousands of dollars per ounce.”
“So you do know the price of tea in China!” Dmitri laughed quietly, and Markus chuckled along. “True. I am using priceless tea to make sweet tea. It’s my favorite tea, and I’ve another eight or nine hundred pounds of it in storage here. Death has graciously allowed me the use of some of the space here for storage of my tea, in exchange for the occasional pot for himself or the CEO.”
“Wouldn’t it degrade over that much time?” Marcus asked after taking another sip.
“Under normal circumstances, yes. However, here, there is no actual sunlight, so no UV rays, nor are there any fungal or microbial agents that could alter the flavor or cause it to decompose. A perfect storage chamber. Just don’t think about the air we’re breathing too much.”
Marcus laughed. “Just like the language that Death, Chaos, Karma and the CEO speak.”
“Oh? So you’ve met Chaos, then?”
Marcus’ expression turned sour for a moment. “Met her? Hel, she tried to kill my girlfriend. All because I wouldn’t work for both her and Death.”
“Her? Who did she appear to you as?”
“The Morrigan. As Badb. I tackled her to keep from it, and it, well… turned her on. I’ve got a bit of a monkey on my back, but I don’t mind overmuch. She’s not that bad once you get to know her. In all honesty, I actually like her.”
Dmitri’s eyes widened as Marcus spoke. “Jeez. It approached me one time, saw that I wasn’t interested and left me alone. I guess it took one look at your general build and persisted. But still… you tackled it?”
“Only thing I could think of that might have worked. We might heal quickly, but a raking from her? I doubt I’d’ve survived.”
The lights began their familiar cycle, and both men put their tea down. “Welp. Time to get to work, Markus. I brought a padded chair for you to use this week. Have a seat, and we’ll get started.”
Markus found the chair to the right of the wide mahogany desk, and pulled it nearer to Dmitri’s seat. Setting his tea down, he watched as Dmitri opened a drawer and withdrew a tablet not unlike Cecily’s. He slipped it into a slot on the desk with practiced ease and as he did so, a keyboard sprang up from just under the top of the desk.
“Pretty nifty, huh? I got the idea from those laptop docks they use in sales offices and such. What do you use?”
“I’ll show you sometime. Meet me at my house when you have the time.”
Dmitri nodded as the lights shifted back to white and the door clicked. Markus watched as the tablet brought up the first soul, a bear, on the screen. Having not seen how a bear would react to its death, Markus leaned forward as the door swung wide.
An adult black bear ambled into the office, swinging its muzzle left and right. Its eyes connected with Markus’ and the animal reared up on its hind legs.
“Hi there, Gladys! I’m Dmitri, and I’m ‘glad’ to meet you!” He chuckled at his own joke, and the bear tilted her head and dropped back to all fours as the door closed behind her.
“Seriously? The first creature I meet is a two-leg, and not only do I understand him and he knows my name somehow, but he makes a shitty joke? Ugh.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am. Please forgive me. I can’t help it whenever a “Gladys” walks into my office.”
“And he understands me too? Curious. Tell me, two-leg. Am I dreaming?”
Dmitri’s smile faltered. “I’m sorry once more, Gladys. You are not dreaming. You have passed on to the Otherworld.”
“That would explain the lack of smells beyond the two of you. So? What now?” Gladys sat on her rump and looked between the two men.
“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Markus began. “But, why didn’t she meet a SIGN first, Dmitri?”
“Gladys, are you okay to wait a moment? I’m training Markus here, and I want to make sure I do it right.”
“By all means, two-leg. I’m curious as to the entire thing, myself. This is definitely not what I expected.”
“Thank you.” Dmitri flashed a bright smile at the bear, then turned his attention to Markus. “You see, almost anything other than a human will come straight to us Liaisons. They’ve no need for a SIGN, as their questions are best answered by us. The only exceptions are some of the more intelligent apes, cetaceans, and oddly enough, octopi.”
“Seriously? Dolphins and whales I can kind of understand, but octopus? They go to SIGNs, too?”
“Yup. They’re not from around these parts, actually. They may have changed dramatically from their first forms, but they’re not originally from here.”
“Huh. Neat. I’m sorry, Gladys. This is my first day, and I want to make sure I understand completely.”
“Oh, it’s no bother. I had seven cubs in my lifetime that survived, and they were so full of questions.” She looked once more at Dmitri. “So, now what?”
“Well, that’s up to you, Gladys. You have three choices. A Paradise, where you can rest and relax for the rest of eternity, you can go back to the Mortal World as a new creature, or you can cast yourself into Oblivion and end your cycles.”
“Huh. Can I choose to go back after I relax for a time?”
“Absolutely. Is that what you’d like to do?”
“I think so. I’m weary of life, and I’d like to rest.”
“Then once you leave my office, go right, and then take the second left. That’ll take you to the Paradise halls, and they’ll assist you further. Farewell, Gladys!”
Gladys waved at both men, then heaved herself onto all fours and left the office. The door closed with a click. The lights shifted to yellow, and another entry came up on the tablet. A human, this time.
The door swung open to emit a young girl, who couldn’t have been any older than nine, clutching a stuffed tiger. Markus’ heart dropped.
Dmitri’s voice became soft and gentle. “Hi there, Amanda. I trust the SIGN you saw told you what’s going on?”
The little girl held her tiger to herself and sniffled as she nodded.
“You have a short stay set up with one of our doctors to help you make sense of things, Amanda. Are you okay with that?”
“Uh-huh.” Her soft, tiny voice sounded thunderously loud to Markus’ ears.
“Okay. It’s real easy to get to the doctor, Amanda. Are you ready?”
Amanda nodded and Dmitri stood up and walked over to his door. “It’s just on the other side of the hall.” Dmitri opened the door, revealing a new door, painted with various cartoon characters on it just across the way.
Amanda gasped. “How did you do that? I just came from that way, and there wasn’t a door there!”
Dmitri knelt in front of the little girl. “Magic, Amanda. Just like how I know your name. It’s magic. Doc will take good care of you, and help make everything better, okay?”
Amanda nodded and knocked on the door, which swung open to reveal a chimp in a labcoat and a Cockney accent. “Well hello! You must be Amanda! Come in! I’ve got some hot chocolate waiting just for you, and there’s plenty of marshmallows.” Doc beckoned with a hand and Amanda rushed inside, eager to have the chocolatey goodness.
“Thanks, Doc. Appreciate you.”
“No trouble, Dmitri. I’ll take good care of her. Bye now!” Doc shut the door, and Dmitri came back to his office, a scowl on his face.
“You don’t wanna know what happened. That filthy bastard is going to get what’s due in time.” Dmitri sat down and took a deep breath as the lights shifted once more, and the door clicked open.