When Rich walked out the front door and turned the corner to the little alley that was formed between the Wolf's Den and the building next door and he saw the largest, fattest, and smelliest farm pig he had ever seen. That was not really a high mark mind you as Rich had never seen how large a pig ready for slaughter actually was but this pig was massive. It just laid there, on a bag of trash, with it's head in another bag. Just munching away on whatever table scraps Bear didn't want or that Sally could actually sneak by the wolf. In his moth looked like a rib bone of some unfortunate large monster. The pig just chomped down and smashed it to dust and swallowed it as he went. He apparently was even eating the cloth bag that he ripped open with his clipped tusk. His eyes were rolled back in ecstasy with the occasional squeal of joy. every time his head went back in the bag his back foot kicked. It would have been cute if it wasn't so nasty.

  Rich said the only intelligent thing he could. A good solid shockingly profound "Da Fuck?" and the pig focused on Rick. In his head Rich heard "Oh excuse me sir I was just having a snack while waiting". Then to the horror of Rich he realized that this was my familiar and this over grown slab of bacon was the kind of person to talk to someone while they were using the bathroom. The pig started to get up and Rich angerly said said "Look where do you get off..." and the pig responded in clear British English that "Sir. I do not get off".

  Riche's mind was blanked on hearing something so strange. It caught him off guard and completely haulted his well deserved tirade about proper bathroom etiquette. Rich asked "What do you mean you can't get off?" and the pig responded "Sir, I was a Barrow pig about to go to slaughter. When I was born they snipped off my gentles" and Rich wisely slapped his face with a free hand and accepted that his life was too fucking weird to question any more. Rich jokingly asked "And how does that make you feel?" with a world ending sigh. The pig didn't catch the desire to end the conversation and replied "Sir, I don't think about it. That was before I was your familiar. I only have vague feelings from then. I guess I'll carry on".

  Rich then decided to name his new familiar Charles. he thought that was the first son of Queen Elizabeth II. Rich can't even recall the last time I considered the Royal family of the United Kingdom but there we go. A name. Now dealing with the 400kg pig in the damn alley. Really a massive specimen.

  Charles could apparently sense Rich's displeasure and he started walking to the front of the alley. Rich told him that Charles should just keep snacking and that he's go see if Sally cared about the trash. I hoped she wouldn't.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

  The Wolf's Den Inn was empty again and Bear was asleep on his rug. Rich walked through the inn, past the bar, and into the kitchen. Sally was there cleaning up from the lunch rush. Rich sighed and asked her "Hey all that trash in the alley do you care about it or the bags?" which had been such a weird question that she turned to look at me with a confused, disgusted face and said "No?". Rich explained that "I had cast a find familiar spell on my walk in the late morning and that I had gotten a massive pig as a familiar that was now in the alley munching on trash". Sally looked at Rich like he was stupid and said "Why on earth would you cast a find familiar spell in a town? Wolf got Wolf on a hunting expedition in the deep wild. A pig is probably one of the better options you could have gotten. You got lucky you didn't get something like a rat". Rich replied with "I was hoping for a bird" and Sally informed me that "I should start thinking before acting" and that "She didn't care about the Alley but the pig will not be coming inside the Inn and that I needed to find the farmer and pay recompense". Apparently Pigs about to be slaughtered and as large as I was describing were typically around 20g.

  Rich went back outside and Bear was off his rug and the door was shutting behind him. Unfortunately Rich was pretty sure his problem of Charles was about to be solved in an unusual way. When Rich ran outside he saw the strangest thing. Bear wasn't fighting or biting Charles. He wasn't howling or even eating a fresh kill. Bear was running around in the street going full zoomie mode. He ran up the street then around Charles then back down the street then up the street then he fake pounced at Charles. Charles was slowly walking out from the entrance of the alley and slowly turned the direction that Bear was about to run, and then they ran off together for the whole length of the town. Two massive familiars each 400kg plus running back and forth and bumping into each other. When they reached the docks that were the other way from the farm Charles came from Charles slowed down, ponderously turned, and charged off back up the street with Bear right on his curly tail. Instant best friends. They were enjoying it quite a bit but the towns folk were not amused. Mothers were yelling at their kids to get inside and to not mess with Bear or the pig. Even if they didn't want too the animals could do some serious damage if someone walked out in front of them.

  Rich couldn't get either separated so he started walking to the farm at the end of the town and mentally asked Charles to come with. They didn't turn around but they did wait for me along the way and we did eventually meet up as Rich drug his ass up the slightly inclined hill to Ol'-McDonnalds farm or whatever crazy thing is going to pop up next.