The sun was up by the time they'd gotten back to Seattle.
Instead of sleeping, Tex had opted instead to reread the biology team's final conclusions after Tala had sent it to him. He hadn't been able to understand much more of it, but something about the phrase 'what base are humans coded in', specifically the 'humans are coded' part had captured his interest.
After having spent half a day caught in a rabbit hole of trying to understand computers, Tex had realized he didn't really know much at all.
He felt more awake than he probably should have as he walked into the meeting room.
"Hey, Texington." Tala greeted.
"It's two minutes after nine." said Junji. "You are late."
Junji was drinking a large cup of coffee, although it didn't seem to be helping.
"Do that upset you?" Tex replied.
"No, I just thought you might like to know."
Tala grabbed the Pain Finder Thing from the table and checked the screen.
"Looks like we're good." said Tala. "There's a few dark red dots, but they're all military stuff we've known about for years."
As per usual, Tex resisted the urge to suggest they try and break into a top secret military base to free the tormented prisoners of war and tattle on the deplorable sins of the United States government to the public.
"Guess we got a break." he said instead.
"So the meeting's over?" Barton asked.
"Yup. Maybe we'll get a few days off."
Barton nodded and made her way over to the fridge. Tala grabbed her laptop and left for the office across the hall, presumably to get some work done.
Junji started to make a break for the coffee maker, but Tex caught up to him first.
"Fore you go." Tex muttered as he reached for Junji's shoulder. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure. What is it?"
It took Tex longer than usual to find a good way to phrase himself.
"I get how you can tell a computer to do something and it'll do it, right?" he started. "You type in a command, and it does what it knows its supposed to do."
"Yes."
"But what I don't get is--how do you teach a computer to listen to you in the first place? How do it know the commands?"
Junji let out a tiny exhale of what sounded like amusement.
"What you're asking about is how to create a programming language." Junji replied.
"Uh, I guess."
"This is difficult for me to explain. Do you understand how binary works?"
"Well enough to count in it. Though I gotta think about it for a while."
"Binary is the simplest way of counting. There is only on and--"
Junji cut himself off with a yawn.
"--on and off." he finished. "That is the basis of all programming, sort of."
Tex didn't get it.
"I don't get it." said Tex.
"And I don't blame you. Perhaps Tala would do a better job."
Tex turned his eyes to the other office outside the open door. After giving Junji a shrug, he walked into the hall and knocked cautiously against the wood.
"Come in!" Tala called.
Tex opened the door to see Tala at the desk with her laptop.
"Hi." he greeted.
"Hello." Tala replied.
"Could you do me a favor? I got a question."
"What's up?"
Tex gave himself a moment to think before replying.
"How do you make a programming language?" asked Tex. "How would you start?"
With a look of mild concern, Tala turned halfway around in her swivel chair.
"Are you trying to make a programming language?" Tala wondered.
"No. I just wanna get the concept."
"Oh. I have a thing."
Tala returned to the windows screen on her laptop and clicked an icon that resembled brown cube with a green top. After the program had started to load, she waved Tex over.
Tex could tell that it was some kind of video game.
"What game is this?" Tex asked.
"Fortnite."
"Alright."
Fortnite loaded its menu quickly, along with the messages Minecraft Java Edition and Welcome back, Michelangelo_the_Ninja_Turtle_is_an_Incel. Tex watched as Tala selected 'single player' and then a world called 'Programming 101'.
The game world loaded in. It was a blocky, sand-filled world.
"So this is Fortnite, huh." Tex said with interest.
"Uhuh. But for this to make sense, don't think of it as a game. Think of it as something you're doing in real life."
Tex was able to sort of understand what was going on as Tala walked her character over to a brown block and a switch.
mine 1.png [https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5d8b082993c4a47ea20be7b2/1573620280801-TLX5C9PIWJC8KAVUPYHH/ke17ZwdGBToddI8pDm48kAPHqP0oHt9EzE0ZzuBeA3cUqsxRUqqbr1mOJYKfIPR7LoDQ9mXPOjoJoqy81S2I8N_N4V1vUb5AoIIIbLZhVYy7Mythp_T-mtop-vrsUOmeInPi9iDjx9w8K4ZfjXt2dqef2XyJWroEi7tr4uq6TNk8z8rCOBv38P7-BZXjz158CjLISwBs8eEdxAxTptZAUg/mine+1.png?format=1500w]
"This brown block is a lamp." Tala explained. "When I flip the switch, it will turn on."
"Alright."
"The lamp is a good example of binary, or base two. It can only be a zero, or off, like it is now, or..."
Tala trailed off as she flipped the switch.
"...Or a one." she finished. "On."
[https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5d8b082993c4a47ea20be7b2/1573620442659-LC8IIDX8YDUBG3ASD5V2/ke17ZwdGBToddI8pDm48kNIwmjE_AGp32AKuhju5C3gUqsxRUqqbr1mOJYKfIPR7LoDQ9mXPOjoJoqy81S2I8N_N4V1vUb5AoIIIbLZhVYy7Mythp_T-mtop-vrsUOmeInPi9iDjx9w8K4ZfjXt2dhLXsCoyaFMRmhze4s-B8xSGfWm_L6JwEXCNvrbW10rLCjLISwBs8eEdxAxTptZAUg/image-asset.png?format=1500w]
"What's the red coke do?" Tex asked.
"That's red stone. Pretend it's like copper wire in a computer."
"Alright."
"Now let's say that we want to light up a second lamp."
Tala placed another lamp two blocks to the left of the first one.
"And I'll just put..." Tala continued as she placed a grey tile between the lamps. "This here."
mine 3.png [https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5d8b082993c4a47ea20be7b2/1573620484949-NNCPFRI7DO7OJ11O8OEA/ke17ZwdGBToddI8pDm48kGIG130Po1RhKVfC-GOWUBwUqsxRUqqbr1mOJYKfIPR7LoDQ9mXPOjoJoqy81S2I8N_N4V1vUb5AoIIIbLZhVYy7Mythp_T-mtop-vrsUOmeInPi9iDjx9w8K4ZfjXt2dtjGBjHxQAIvsxU1TdcLgzgtCoq6bQjbKeuu1HSvBg9MCjLISwBs8eEdxAxTptZAUg/mine+3.png?format=1500w]
"What's that tile?" asked Tex. "The one with the red line?"
"That's a repeater. For the time being, let's just say it works exactly like red stone. The charge passes through the first lamp and continues through the repeater to the second lamp."
"Alright."
"Now, what if we have a real computer?"
Tex continued to pay close attention as Michelangelo_the_Ninja_Turtle_is_an_Incel flew up and away to a new section of ground.
mine 3.png [https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5d8b082993c4a47ea20be7b2/1573620654874-K9Q6NM8DM5O0EZZMTZKO/ke17ZwdGBToddI8pDm48kNbw3XPh1MssgtCJG3EBS_MUqsxRUqqbr1mOJYKfIPR7LoDQ9mXPOjoJoqy81S2I8N_N4V1vUb5AoIIIbLZhVYy7Mythp_T-mtop-vrsUOmeInPi9iDjx9w8K4ZfjXt2dqAVkrYQqXE3tOCrjPSyBLRHiIrSdweUejQUQu55ZFSJCjLISwBs8eEdxAxTptZAUg/mine+3.png?format=1500w]
"That's a computer?" Tex wondered.
"Sort of."
"It sucks."
"Yes it does. It's just a bunch of pixels that can only be turned on or off."
Tala moved her character to a third section of ground.
[https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5d8b082993c4a47ea20be7b2/1573620689811-I1R0F7MC59WTGPCM1EK5/ke17ZwdGBToddI8pDm48kPkZDZLNuKWQGY8kGmYUr0EUqsxRUqqbr1mOJYKfIPR7LoDQ9mXPOjoJoqy81S2I8N_N4V1vUb5AoIIIbLZhVYy7Mythp_T-mtop-vrsUOmeInPi9iDjx9w8K4ZfjXt2dvk9kN6bpoeTXpchYHNBDyniIMovUiKzlzOrOXuiahhjCjLISwBs8eEdxAxTptZAUg/image-asset.png?format=1500w]
"Here's the program we're going to apply to the computer." Tala explained.
"...Alright."
Once again, Tala moved to a new location.
mine 6.png [https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5d8b082993c4a47ea20be7b2/1573620757708-P9FNJPIPO2YSUNT2G63B/ke17ZwdGBToddI8pDm48kPA9s1RZe_evX_vrRakWvl17gQa3H78H3Y0txjaiv_0fDoOvxcdMmMKkDsyUqMSsMWxHk725yiiHCCLfrh8O1z5QPOohDIaIeljMHgDF5CVlOqpeNLcJ80NK65_fV7S1UadkQKFtMPVSWVlC5iCdHrm7Y7eE2usU2kHDKfdczyNhMW9u6oXQZQicHHG1WEE6fg/mine+6.png?format=1500w]
"And here's the program applied to the computer." she followed.
"It looks familiar..."
"Would you like to flip the switch?"
As Tala leaned over, Tex was given access to the mouse and keyboard.
"Press space twice to return to the ground." said Tala.
Tex followed the instructions and came to his feet. After finding the WASD keys, he walked over to the switch.
"Right mouse button to turn on the switch." Tala continued.
Tex flipped the switch. He could tell some of the blocks were lighting up, but he wasn't high enough to see the whole picture.
"Double tap space again to fly."
After double tapping and holding the space bar, Tex got himself up to a good vantage point.
[https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5d8b082993c4a47ea20be7b2/1573620784762-5OPJNICMHC29JDDOKM4D/ke17ZwdGBToddI8pDm48kIVhphaH9e8pmrA6Huon-TsUqsxRUqqbr1mOJYKfIPR7LoDQ9mXPOjoJoqy81S2I8N_N4V1vUb5AoIIIbLZhVYy7Mythp_T-mtop-vrsUOmeInPi9iDjx9w8K4ZfjXt2dpfNCNCmQV-tH6smS_wE_TeOQAaiqL5pMG_1JF2uDR3OCjLISwBs8eEdxAxTptZAUg/image-asset.png?format=1500w]
"It's Sands Undertale!" Tex realized.
"Yes, Tex, very good."
Tex smiled to himself. Tala seemed quite proud.
"At a basic level, a program is just you forcing a computer to turn things on or off." said Tala.
"Ok."
"A more advanced thing to do would be saving the program, altering it, and then saving the altered version as a separate file."
"Oh."
"Then if you told the computer to swap between the files, you could create little animations of Sand Undertale winking or engaging in acts of incest."
There was a knock at the door. A second later, it opened to reveal a Junji that looked even more out of it then before.
"Hello." Junji greeted.
"Hi." Tala replied.
"Would it be alright if I slept here? I don't trust myself to..."
Junji trailed off. Tex looked over to see that he was squinting at the image of Sand Undertale.
"What game is this?" Junji asked.
A look of deep thought passed over Tala's face. After a moment, her eyes lit up with sudden realization.
"Oh my god." Tala stated with excitement. "Junji, get over here. You need to play this."
"Hmm?" Junji hummed.
"Please. It'll be so funny."
Junji walked over to the computer. Immediately, Tala jumped up out of her seat and motioned for him to take it.
Tala exited out of the world they were in and returned to the menu while Junji made himself comfortable. After requesting a new world, she changed the gamemode from creative to survival.
The world loaded in. Besides the graphics, it almost looked like a different game. The flat sand world had been replaced with a dense forest.
"Punch the trees." Tala instructed.
Junji gave the tree before him a light punch.
"No, you have to hold the button." Tala followed.
Junji followed Tala's instructions. A few seconds later, a block-shaped section of the tree scooped itself out and reappeared in Junji's hand.
"Why did the tree not fall over?" Junji asked.
"Because it's a video game." answered Tala. "Get the rest of the wood."
With a tiny shrug, Junji chopped down the rest of the tree. By the time he'd finished, he'd collected four wood blocks.
"Press 'E'." Tala followed.
Junji pressed the 'E' key, which opened a screen of his inventory and a small two by two grid.
"You can craft in the grid. Try it." Tala continued.
Junji placed a wood block in the upper-leftmost square of the grid.
"Turn all the logs into planks. You can't make anything with logs."
After making sixteen wood planks, Junji then placed a single plank in the grid.
The grid offered him a button. Junji took it. He then placed another plank on the upper-rightmost square of the grid, but didn't take the output when he saw that it was still a button.
If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
Next, Junji placed a second plank to the direct left of the first. He was given the option of making a pressure plate, which he took for his two planks. Junji then placed a plank back in the upper-leftmost corner, and another under it.
He took the four sticks he was offered.
Junji then placed planks in both the upper-leftmost and lower-rightmost square. Upon making nothing, he placed a third plank in the upper row. Upon still nothing happening, he swapped the position of the plank to the other available space. Finally, he added a fourth plank to complete the square.
He took the crafting table.
"Uh, Junji," Tala started, "I can just tell you the recipes if you want."
Instead of replying, Junji placed the crafting table inside the crafting grid.
"No." Tala said with a frown.
Junji stopped trying to craft the crafting table.
"Place the table with the right mouse button."
Junji selected the table in his inventory and placed it with the right mouse button.
"Right click it."
After right clicking the table, a new grid appeared. This one offered a third row and column.
"Oh." Junji said as he placed wood planks all along the top row.
Junji took the wood slabs he was offered. After placing three more planks back along the top row, Junji placed his final plank in the left-center row.
Nothing happened. Junji moved the plank to the very center. Nothing happened. Junji moved the plank to the right-center.
"There's nothing else you can make with this little wood." said Tala.
Junji grabbed the sticks he'd made. First, he placed one in the upper-leftmost square and one in the square right next to it.
"I've made a horrible mistake." Tala stated.
Fifteen minutes later, Junji had made one shovel.
"Junji, you're dying." Tala groaned. "A zombie is attacking you."
"Progress comes with many sacrifices."
A few moments later, a flash of red appeared on the screen along with a message informing Junji that Michelangelo_the_Ninja_Turtle_is_an_Incel had died.
"Tex." Tala said as she rubbed her temples. "Please take over."
After Junji had left the chair, Tex took an uncertain seat in it. Tala loaded him up a brand new world.
"Make a crafting table." Junji suggested. "It will give you enough space to try recipes until you die."
Instead of looking at crafting options, Tex was more interested in exploring. After walking past a few trees and some little hills, he spotted a few blocks to the right of him that were a very strange texture of brown.
He almost jumped when the blocks started to move.
"It's alive?" asked Tex.
"It's a cow." Tala explained.
Tex walked around to the front of the animal to get a better look. He saw that it was indeed a cow, in the loosest sense of the word.
"It's kinda cute." Tex muttered.
The cow mooed at Tex as he approached it. Tex felt a sudden wave of deep affection.
"I wanna pet the cow." he said.
"You can't pet the cow."
Eyes filled with hope, Tex left-clicked on the cow to see if he could pet it. To his horror, the cow yelped in pain and jumped away.
"You punched the cow." Tala correctly observed.
"No!"
"If you punch the cow enough times, you can get some meat."
"I don't wanna punch the cow."
The cow calmed down and settled back before Tex's feet, as if it had forgotten that it had been hit.
"Finish the job." Tala said in a low voice.
Tex frowned hard. He considered trying to select the cow with the other mouse button to see if he could help it, but was too worried about accidentally hitting it again.
"What are we punching?" asked Barton.
Tex looked over towards Barton's voice to see that she was standing in the doorway. She walked to the computer when Tala gave her a little wave.
"Cows." Junji answered.
"Tex punched a cow and now he won't finish killing it." Tala said.
"Move over." Barton replied. "I wanna kill it."
Barton was given the chair and access to the mouse and keypad. Tex hid behind her as she swung her fist wildly at the cow.
"Just like in the war, huh?" Barton said to Tex as she collected the meat and leather of the dead cow.
Tex choked back a sob.
Nightfall came quickly in the Fortnite world. A tall, strange creature made of ebony appeared next to Barton.
"Don't punch that." Tala warned.
Barton punched the creature. It let out a horrible yelp and killed her in seconds.
"Video games are ruining society anyway." Barton grumbled. "I'm going to bed."
Barton was out the door in seconds, leaving behind a Game Over screen and a chat message that Michelangelo_the_Ninja_Turtle_is_an_Incel had died yet again.
"What's an incel?" Tex asked.
"An involuntary celibate." Tala answered.
"God, I haven't been laid since sixty-six. Guess that makes me an incel."
Tala sighed.
"No, Tex, you're not an incel." she said calmly.
"But he meets all of the qualifications." Junji replied.
"An incel's like a failed pick-up artist."
"Seems a little redundant." Tex replied.
"What's a pick-up artist?" asked Junji.
Tala's eyes widened with excitement once again. Quickly, she pulled a blank sheet of paper out from the printer tray and began to scribble on in.
"Junji." she said as she wrote. "I know the last time I tried to get you to do something, it backfired. But I've never been more sure of this."
"What do you want me to do?" Junji replied.
Tala didn't answer until she'd written for about a minute and a half. Once she'd finished, she put the pen down and gave her writing hand a little shake.
"Read this." Tala answered as she handed Junji the paper. "Out loud."
Junji squinted at the sheet.
"Put on Tex's glasses." Tala followed. "And push them up before you start to read."
Seeing no reason not to, Tex handed his glasses to Junji. Junji slipped them on his face as Tala took out her phone and hit record.
"Listen up all you beta cucks." Junji articulated as he pushed the glasses up his nose, the lenses flaring for a moment from the overhead light. "It's time for you to learn the ancient art of crushing dat puss."
Junji cleared his throat as he continued onto the second side of the paper.
"Our desire to bone is what moves us as a species." he followed. "And it's not just men, either, cuckaroos. Women like to be boned, too. What's the hottest girl you've ever fucked? I've fucked a girl ten times hotter. All because I followed the ten easy steps for pussy crushing."
"Why are you filming this?" Tex muttered to Tala.
"Research." she replied.
"Step one. You have to wrap your head around the kind of prey that women are. While men are rational creatures, women are emotional--"
With a frown, Junji stopped reading.
"What is this?" he asked.
"The thoughts of a man named Myler." Tala replied.
"Who is Myler? His world view is nonsense and I am upset."
"It's a bit." Tex explained.
"I know it's a bit. I do not understand the bit."
Junji's mouth broke into a tiny pout. Tex was hit with a wave of confusion.
"Were there no guys like that in Japan?" asked Tex.
"There was a beaten dead horse of comedy regarding the differences between men and women." Junji replied. "But I've yet to hear something quite as nonsensical as--emotion versus logic."
"Think that's a pretty common mentality."
Junji's frown only deepened, so much so that Tex began to feel second-hand frustration even though he still had no idea what Junji was talking about.
"I cannot deal with anyone thinking this way." Junji said. "That these two things are a dichotomy."
"A dicho--" Tex stumbled. "What do you expect me to do about it?"
"I must debate someone. Bring me to Myler."
"...You get any sleep since we got back?"
"No."
Tala cleared her throat.
"It's almost ten." she said. "If Junji really wants to debate a pick-up artist, we could probably go to a club."
"No." Tex replied.
"I would like to go." Junji stated.
"No way. This is absurd. We ain't going out into town just so you can pick a fight."
Junji grabbed a blank sheet of paper from the printer and made his way over to the door. Tala followed.
"Fine. Don't listen." Tex snapped as they left. "I ain't coming."
"I would like it if you came." Junji replied.
"...I'll come."
There was a popular club about a ten minute walk from their building. They made it in five after taking Junji's suggestion to jog there.
"I'll go in first." Tala said as she opened the door. "I'll text you when I get negged."
Tex waited with Junji for about a minute before stepping inside. Tex did a quick scan of the room to get his bearings while the doorman checked his ID and accepted his counterfeit money.
Tex hadn't willingly been to a bar since he'd left Texas. Although he was in favor of meeting people, talking to people, and having sex with someone who wasn't his hand, the fact that most DJs found the need to raise the music volume and force people to talk louder just so that the music volume would inevitably need to be raised again in a never ending cycle of human failure always made Tex want to retreat deep into the forest and live his life as a carpenter ant.
No one in the club was anywhere near Tex's age.
"You ever been to a club like this?" he asked Junji.
Junji squinted around the room.
"Not that I recall." Junji replied.
"So no?"
"Not necessarily..."
Tex gave Junji a little glance of question, but Junji seemed to have moved on. Tex reached into his pocket when his phone buzzed.
From Gamer Gril
i've been negged
To Gamer Gril
it's been one second
From Gamer Gril
we're in the VIP room. tell the guard you're with Kyle and come meet us
Tex handed his phone to Junji so that he could see the plan. When Junji nodded and gave the phone back, Tex craned his neck to spot the brightly lit VIP room in the back and to the right.
"After you." Tex said with a point and a grin.
"No."
"Fair enough."
Junji looked reluctant to be touched by so many people as Tex led him through the maze of gyrating people. When they passed the martini stand, Tex grabbed an olive on a toothpick and stuck it in his mouth.
A bouncer greeted them once they'd made it back to the to the VIP door.
"Pass?" the bouncer asked Tex.
"We're with Kyle." Tex replied.
Tex was silent as the bouncer gave him and Junji a little once over. Finished with the olive, Tex began to chew the toothpick in his mouth.
"Kyle's got some interesting taste." the bouncer said as he opened the door.
Junji stepped in first, and Tex followed behind. The bouncer shut the door behind him.
The inside of the VIP room was all neon lights and mirrors. It was a small room, with just a long couch and a few squishy chairs. Tala sat on the couch along with four men in their mid to late twenties, each one with choppy bangs and skin as white as winter snow.
"Hey, guys!" Tala waved. "This is Kyle, Kyler, Tyler, and Tyle."
"What the fuck is this sausage fest, Tala?" asked Kyler. "You said they were chicks."
"Hello." Junji greeted.
Tyler opened his mouth like he had something to say. However, instead of words, a passion-fruit scented vape cloud poured from his mouth.
"Dudes, I'm so wasted." said Kyle. "I don't care if these weird dudes watch. Let's just crush puss while it's available."
"Kyle's the one that rented out the room." Tala explained as she stroked his arm. "He makes a lot of money destroying iPhones on his YouTube channel."
Junji sat down in one of the squishy chairs. Tex took a seat in the one next to it.
"I think I'm going to use the bathroom." Tala followed.
Tala stood up and shut the door behind her. Except for the sounds of Kyler breathing through his mouth and Tyle snorting a line of Adderall off the table, the room was uncomfortably silent.
"Do, uh," Tex stammered, "do y'all wanna talk or something?"
Four pairs of eyes looked over at Tex and blinked. Tex realized that he had absolutely no idea how to lead the conversation into the topic of female versus male thought patterns.
"Yeah, I wanna talk." Kyle replied. "I wanna talk about how women are always, like, so fickle."
"Yeah." Tyle agreed. "One day you want to fuck them and the next day they don't want to fuck you back. What gives?"
"I think women, just like, just have feelings for no reason. And they just kinda go with them instead of like, using logic, you know?"
Tex was no longer worried about how to lead the conversation to the topic of female versus male thought patterns.
"Yeah, it's just biology." said Tyler. "You gotta think about it from the hunter-gatherer perspective."
"What do you think logic is?" Junji asked calmly.
Tyler's eyes went wide. He only replied to the question after he'd sucked in a large breath of deep offense.
"Uh, what do you mean, what do I think logic is?" he answered.
"Yeah, we know what logic is." Kyler added. "What do we look like, four idiots whose habit of inhailing the gas in tennis ball canisters has destroyed ten percent of our brains?"
"You used the word in a way that indicated you didn't know the meaning." Junji replied.
"Logical reasoning," Kyle started, "as opposite to emotional reasoning--"
"How are these separate things in your mind?"
"Well, logic is like, mad smart. Used by honorary bros everywhere like Einstein, Isaac Newton, uh, that guy in the wheelchair--"
"Yeah." Tyle cut in. "And emotions are more like..."
Face set with thought, Tyle nodded to himself before concluding.
"When you feel stuff." he finished.
As Tyle continued to nod, all the other alphas followed his suit with expressions of deep understanding.
"You are all imbeciles." Junji decided.
The door opened, letting some of the music seep in for a moment until Tala closed it. Upon reentering, Tala took a seat on the arm rest of Tex's chair.
"Woah, dude." Tyler stumbled. "Don't be such a fagtard. We got mad intelligence."
"Yeah, dude." Kyle replied. "Between the four of us, we could talk an entire comp-sci major of girls into giving us head."
"Strength in numbers." Tala whispered to Tex.
"Look, old dudes." Tyler said to Tex. "Our girl is back. You gonna let us smash some puss, or do we gotta...?"
Tex watched in amusement as Kyle, Kyler, Tyler, and Tyle all took a stand.
"They have a collective penis length of seventeen inches." said Tala.
"Um, it's actually eighteen point three." Tyle replied.
"You'd think we're all slightly under average, but it's actually that three of us are massive while the last one's got a two incher." Kyler explained.
"Try to guess which one."
Junji was about three inches shorter than the shortest of the alpha males, but he didn't seem particularly bothered. Tex felt it was best he leave his chair just in case Junji needed assistance.
"I will not stand down." Junji said.
"Alright, then." Kyle replied as he gave Junji a little shove. "How bout I--"
Before he could even yelp, Kyle was flat on his back. From the look on his face, it didn't look like Junji had hurt him too bad, although he seemed too shocked to get up.
"Fuck this, guys." said Tyler. "Asian dude knows Kung-fu."
"Every man for himself!" Kyler announced.
Junji grabbed Tyler's arm and brought him down to the ground before he could run. Tex winced hard as Tala kicked Kyler in the balls.
With Kyle still on his back, Tyle was the only one who had a chance at reaching the door.
Tex easily tripped Tyle on his way. After wondering for a moment how to incapacitate him without hurting him, Tex took a seat on Tyle's stomach.
"Gay." Tyle coughed.
"Not Tyle!" Tala yelped. "He was the best one!"
"Everything alright in there?" the bouncer called from the outside.
Tex grit his teeth. He'd forgotten about the bouncer.
"Yes!" Tala called back.
"Say yes." Junji said to the floor-bound men.
"Yes!" they yelled.
Tex didn't feel what he was doing was particularly ethical, although he had a hunch the feeling only implied that there was something wrong with his personal ethics.
"We'll sit back down." Kyler said as he cupped his injured ballsack.
"Yeah, just stop outmatching us physically." Kyle agreed.
After less than a minute of whining later, all four Yles had taken a seat back on the couch. In their trying time, they began to ration out their last few juul cartridges.
"I will ask you again." Junji started. "Explain to me the difference between logical and emotional reasoning."
The men shot a few glances at each other. After a few moments of uncertainty, Tyler opened his mouth.
"Alright." said Tyler. "Let's say that you ask your bro to spray some whipped cream on your nipples and lick it off. And of course you don't really want him too, but you don't want everybody to think you're gay, right?"
"So he calls your bluff and sprays your nipples down with whipped cream." Kyler added. "Now he doesn't really wanna lick it off, but he also knows it's the only socially acceptable way for two dudes to get physical contact, you know?"
"Long story short," Kyle continued, "your bro is licking your nipples and for reasons completely unrelated you just so happen to pop a fat bone dog. Now, the logical thing to do would be to tuck it and suppress the memory for the rest of your life."
"Versus the emotional thing, which would be to start uncontrollably humping your dude." Tyle finished.
Junji touched his chin.
"What makes that the logical thing to do?" he asked in a slow voice.
No one replied. Tex was forced to suppress the urge to raise his hand and ask to go to the bathroom.
"Emotions." Junji explained. "Are the result of a logical argument that you've already made within yourself. You see something that you logically perceive as sad. Therefore, you feel sad which encourages you to act in a way that is--theoretically constructive to the situation."
"No way." Tyler replied. "Chicks just like, have feelings for no reason sometimes."
"Nothing happens for no reason. That is--how can you even think that?"
Again, no one replied. With a sigh, Junji pulled a pen and a sheet of paper from his pocket and began to scribble on it.
"I am creating...a chart that I...believe will help you understand." Junji muttered slowly as his pen moved. "Here, I've finished."
Junji held up the paper. It was a standard eight by eleven sheet of paper, so Tex could barely make out what Junji wanted him to see.
"Pass this around." Junji followed as he handed Tex the paper.
Tex took the paper. Before passing it on, he took a glance at it for himself.
Flowchart.png [https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5d8b082993c4a47ea20be7b2/1574968390030-RL5FRUZ10VU4HKFNDCRU/ke17ZwdGBToddI8pDm48kIbyRbLjKrRczQDOKjqS6BhZw-zPPgdn4jUwVcJE1ZvWQUxwkmyExglNqGp0IvTJZUJFbgE-7XRK3dMEBRBhUpxXffL31RW66Bi2MXguOGgreQm_0mGjCXgTT1FrMjlJ0qe1Her_I0LLUuzMeVDwrOc/Flowchart.png?format=750w]
"You get an erection." Junji started as Tex gave the image to the guys. "You do not want to keep it. You are with your friends. You don't want to be labeled as gay."
"Gay of sexual." Tala corrected.
"Gay of what?" asked Tex.
"It's politically correct."
"Therefore," Junji continued, paying them no mind, "it is an anxious situation. Therefore, you feel a rush of anxiety that inspires you to make the decision to tuck your prominent erection in your waistband.”
By the time Junji got the paper back, it was covered in hot cheeto-dust fingerprints.
"Yeah, but like, a man would come to that conclusion by thinking about it." said Tyler. "A woman would only hide her erection cause she got all stressy, bro."
"Stressy." Tex repeated in wonder.
"Whoa, you can't slander our dialect." Kyler scolded. "This is like our jive."
Junji's eyebrow twitched.
"Having an emotion implies that you have assessed the situation and come to a conclusion logically." Junji replied. "Which is the only way humans can come to a conclusion."
Tyler said nothing. After a moment, he started to nod his head.
"Do you understand?" Junji pushed.
"No." Tyler breathed.
"I think I kinda get it." said Kyler.
"You do?" Tala asked.
"Yeah. But, like, that doesn't mean that men still don't seek out, like, more information about a situation before coming to a conclusion."
"Yes, you could still make the argument that it's worse logic." Junji replied.
"Oh, I get it."
"Very good."
Junji shoved the paper back in his pocket and motioned to the boys that they were free to go.
They didn't say goodbye as they left.
"Wait." said Tex.
"What?" Junji asked.
"Now I don't really feel like they learned anything."
"Why?"
"They still think that ladies are stupid."
"Oh. I was not as worried about that."
As they left the venue, Tex found himself replaying Junji's argument in his head. Something about it bothered him, although he wasn't sure what.
It was late by the time they got back to their neighborhood. So much so that Tex thought it best to go home. Tala was the only one not to follow him, opting instead to go to Best Buy for an ergonomic keyboard.
"See you when I see you, Tala." Tex said as she left.
"This was fun." Tala replied. "Let's do it again sometime."
Once Tala was gone, Junji broke out in a jog.
Tex followed. They were only a few blocks from their place of residence, so it couldn't be too bad.
"Hey, uh," Tex breathed as they ran, "there's something I wanted to talk to you about."
"What is it?" Junji replied.
"I've been thinking about all that you said, but I ain't sure that I agree."
"What is your quarrel?"
"I get emotions that I know ain't rational all the time."
"Give me an example."
Tex bit the inside of his cheek as he thought. To his mild discomfort, the only example he could come up with was related to sex.
"I don't think there's anything wrong with it." Tex started. "But--"
Tex cut himself off with a sudden frown.
"And I ain't saying I have..." he followed.
"What are you talking about?"
"Hypothetically, if I had gay thoughts sometimes--"
"No, you are a good Catholic boy."
"I might feel a little guilty about them. Even though I don't really care."
Junji huffed out a tiny breath of intrigue.
"Why don't you care?" he asked.
"I dunno, I think it's horrible that so many of them got killed--"
"Car."
Tex nodded and quickened his pace. Junji always liked to run faster over cross streets to save the cars precious seconds.
"--and, you know," Tex continued, "they should be able to love each other--"
"Uhuh." Junji hummed.
"--and they got as much right as the rest of us to be raising kids."
"Uhuh."
"Though if it’s two men we should probably check them out first, but that goes without saying."
"...Uhuh."
They made their way down into the parking lot. Tex sucked it up and followed Junji to the staircase, where they continued to run.
"But you still feel guilt." Junji said.
"Yeah."
"Do you have any reason why?"
Tex ran a hand through the hair that hung over the back of his neck.
"Sometimes I wonder what my mama would think." answered Tex.
"Regardless of personal ideologies, wanting to retain a loving relationship with a mother is plenty rational."
"It ain't just that. I know I shouldn't care what other people think of me. But I still do."
"Then why do you?"
Tex winced.
"I mean, maybe I should care a little." he answered.
"Thank you. You have made my point."
Tex opened the door for Junji when they arrived at Junji's floor. As per usual, Tex walked Junji to his door.
"For some ancient samurai, relationships between members of the same sex were valued highly." Junji followed as he slid his key in the lock. "The reason I've heard for this is that they considered a bond between two people to be more meaningful if they were unable to produce new life from their love."
"That supposed to make me feel better?"
"No. I've just always thought that was very stupid."
Tex shook his head.
"You're a real pal, Junji." said Tex.
"Thank you." Junji said. "I never thought I'd meet someone in denial about being both queer and a homophobe."
"Look, I ain't a--either of those things."
"I don't mean that to be condescending. It is like, finding a Leprechaun."
Tex wasn’t sure what Junji’s definition of homophobia was, and he doubted he would ever understand it.
“Hey, I ain’t said nothing about your lifestyle.” he replied.
“No, you haven’t. But you have about your…have about yours… ”
“Huh?”
Junji blacked out.