“Anthropophobia.”
Pushing up his thick glasses, my husband declared confidently.
“What’s that?”
I asked him for the definition of the word while I continued to type away my reports.
“It’s what your friend Anne has. She’s scared of humans, people.”
I paused to look at him with doubt.
“She’s not scared of people if that's the case, she wouldn’t be able to talk to me.”
“It’s xenophobia then!”
“Hmmm… xenophobia?”
Looking like he finally got the right diagnosis, he smiled happily explaining what it is.
“It’s the fear of strangers or something foreign. I’m surprised she can work with such a condition, or maybe it’s not that severe?”
“I guess so, she can meet and talk to new people after having a panic attack and paranoid delusions.”
Peeking at my spreadsheet, he asked.
“How can she even work like that?”
“She’s a very strong woman, after having her panic attacks for exactly 10 minutes, she can face our clients with a smile.”
“Wow! A very strong woman indeed.”
With a heavy sigh, I reminisced about a recent incident.
“But because of that, she’s unable to trust anybody but me. That’s why we’re doing most of the work for our team.”
“I see.”
His adorable image overlapped with a good friend of mine. The word “Xenophobia” then popped up in my head once I heard him say it.
“I’m scared of going into town.”
His tiny fists were clenched tightly with a forlorn look.
He’s showing me more and more of his emotions compared to before. I’m happy that he trusts me but at the same time, I pity him for feeling this way.
Trying to make sense of his fear, I asked him. Even though I knew the reason are his relatives.
“Why are you scared?”
The poor thing bowed his head lower. I kneeled down to his level so I can see him better.
“I don’t look like a normal child…”
He said it so quietly I almost didn’t hear it if I wasn’t kneeling right in front of him.
My heart broke. He’s scared of people because of his trauma because he was told he wasn’t normal.
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I honestly don’t know how to persuade someone to stop being scared. I was unsuccessful with Anne, so I’m not sure how I’m going to convince him.
But seeing him tremble in fear of the unknown possibility of discrimination, I feel like tears were forming in my eyes.
I reached out, I don’t know what to say but I can see how scared he is, so I hugged him tenderly.
“I understand. We won’t go if you really don’t want to but mommy really needs to go into town.”
I patted his head to console his fears and lifted him up.
“Let me tell you a story”
As I continued, I carried him to the sofa to tell him the story about my friend, Anne.
“When I started working before, I was around 20 years old at that time. I was the youngest in our batch of new hires because I was able to skip a couple of years during college. So I was quite scared that I might be bullied by my seniors or my co-workers even.”
Lex looked up, still worried but was attentive to the story.
“One of the seniors that trained me had the same fear that you have. Our job was to meet, talk and flatter people we know nothing about. Quite similar to your fear of meeting the people in town, she’s scared of meeting clients but even though she was scared, she did her job. Do you know why?”
Curious, he tilted his head and asked.
“Why?”
“She said it was because it’s necessary. She told me she developed that fear when she was young. Because she looked different from normal girls.”
His eyes grew wide as I said so. I paused a bit to let him digest what I just said.
“Anne was very tall for a normal girl her age and until she turned into an adult she was still taller than average. She felt inferior compared to other girls. She couldn’t remember how her inferiority developed but this led to her not leaving the house, going to school and not making any friends.”
“Inferioririty…?”
“In.fe.ri.o.ri.ty. It came from the word inferior, it’s the feeling of being lower than others. In.fe.ri.o.ri.ty.”
“In.fer.ee.o.ri.ri.ty?”
Confused by the complicated word, we pronounced every syllable.
“In.fe.”
“In.fe.”
“Ri.o.”
“Ri.o.”
“Ri.ty.”
“Ri.ty.”
“In.fe.ri.o.ri.ty.”
“In.fe… ri.O.ri.ty.”
“Yes, that’s good. Now, where was I...? Right, just one step out of their front door and she'll start shivering uncontrollably, unable to keep herself upright. Even the thought of looking at other people in the eye made her scared.”
“Was she able to overcome it?”
“Yes.”
Surprised, he asked how thinking he might be able to resolve his fears.
“Well, she didn’t stop at just that one step. She took two, then five until she was able to stand at their gate. There she met two girls coming home from school and with a pile of notebooks they handed to her saying: “Here are this month’s notes! When are you coming back to school? We missed you!”
Like a light lit up in his eyes, his anticipation of the answers lingered in his heart. But the story didn’t stop there…
“She still had her fear when I met her, but it was less than before and she was able to control it. Remember that she starts shaking uncontrollably with just a step from their front door?”
He nodded in affirmation.
“She was scared, she knew it in her heart and she’s unable to stop herself from feeling that way. But then she realized that if she didn’t try to go out of her house and meet her classmates or if she didn’t try to do her job of meeting people, she wouldn’t know how nice people are.”
Seeing him listening carefully, I gave him a knowing smile and continued.
“Certainly there are bad people, but her experiences of meeting those nice people made her happy. And you know what?”
“What?”
Curious, he tilted his head.
“She met her husband that way, one of the people we met, fell in love with her and she became his muse. Because she was tall, she became her model for the clothes he designed.”
“Model?”
“They’re people who are made to wear beautiful clothes and show them off to people who will potentially buy them. Because of that, she overcame her fears entirely and her inferiority of being taller than normal girls became her most cherished feature.”
With a sparkle in his eyes, the story seemed to have sparked a newfound determination in his heart.
He immediately looked down and pondered.
“...then, do you think people will not hate me with my white hair and red eyes?”
I chuckled at how adorable he was.
“Why would they? You're adorable whatever color your hair or eyes are. I mean, I fell in love with your cuteness the moment I saw you!”
Smitten with how cute he is, I kissed his cheeks that looked fuller than when I first met him.
Tickled with my kisses, he giggled trying to push me away. I stopped and held his face.
“Don’t worry Lex, whatever happens, mommy will be there to protect you. Mom will always be your ally. I love you, son.”
I hugged him close and he hugged back.
“Me too, mom. Thank you.”
Feeling brave after the story, we decided to go to town tomorrow. He was still hesitant but determined to face his fear, he helped me pack his things for tomorrow’s journey.