“How about this one?” asked X.

Perched on top of a tall pine branch that crossed over the road, Mau observed the incoming potential victims. “More useless slaves. There are six guards: one knight, one shock trooper, and four adventurers,” he said.

“No good,” stated Nila.

“Then quiet down and let them pass,” spoke the elf.

Three carriages filled with slaves passed them by. Leading the caravan was a fully armored knight riding and equally armored mutated hauling creature. On both flanks, decently equipped but undisciplined adventurers walked. A shock trooper protected their rear. The group guarded three carriages packed with downtrodden, sick, wounded, and resigned prisoners, whose faces reflected their sad fates.

Calm as they had arrived, they passed through Del’vhario’s ambush. This group transported nothing worthwhile for the trio to risk their necks for or expend their limited resources on.

“How many caravans have we seen?” inquired Nila.

“Four,” replied X.

They had observed several small caravans and lone carriages pass, but the first ones didn’t carry anything worth stealing, only slaves. The other ones carried even less.

Nila and X leaned against separate trees, praying to their lucky stars a worthy caravan would pass through before night fell.

“And all useless crap!” complained Mau.

“Damn it!” added Nila.

“I’m hungry!” The male gnome could hear his stomach nagging.

“Dusk light is not going to last for long...” Nila stared into the horizon.

“We’ll wait for one more caravan, and if nothing good crosses our path, we’ll head back,” stated X.

“Hungry?” Mau didn’t like the sound of that.

“Can’t you hold it for another day?” questioned the elf.

“Dunno, Ekk’s... not everyone can be a lanky fuck like you,” replied Nila. “I need my nutrients and a good beauty sleep. Gnomes, like any royalty worth a damn, are high maintenance, especially female ones, and even more so when they’re as beautiful as me.”

“Yeah, same here,” seconded Mau.

Silence fell, and the trio dozed off while waiting for another chance.

*

In this morning, X spent his time questioning the gnomes about the lay of the land. On one of the bed sheets, they drew him a map—not entirely accurate, but representative enough to serve as a starting point. It showed the relative locations of Saint Jaulea, Silifran, Dureld, and Kargraz. Smaller settlements lay scattered in between, but for their current plans, this information would suffice.

X polished their plans. “It should be a small enough but worthwhile caravan. We must be able to carry the loot we steal from it.”

“We’ve told you, just take us there and we’ll do the rest,” Nila gazed into his eyes.

“Magic!” Mau grinned wide.

“Yeah... you’ve told me several times already. But it must also have a small number of guards. You two understand this, right?” X stared at them.

“Of course. You worry too much,” replied Mau.

Nila seconded the male gnome, “We know our strength and how to stretch our—”

“Depleted resources?” X interrupted her.

“Almost depleted resources. We still have one shot each and two small explortents. Custom-made,” Nila grinned. “But, ah... Ekk’s... you really can’t use magic?” She twisted her face in disbelief.

“You’re just fucking with us, ain’t you? Gnome jokes and all that jizz?” questioned Mau, not really believing what the elf had told them earlier.

“No, I’m not joking,” replied X plainly.

Both gnomes had been laughing and cracking jokes at X’s expense since the elf had told them that he couldn’t do any sort of magic. And this time was no exception as they burst into laughter.

“Okay, we get it. But then, aren’t you like death weight?” spoke Mau.

X gazed at Mau and Nila, carefully choosing the right words. “It’s only a minor inconvenience.”

“How the fuck is this a minor inconvenience?” exclaimed Nila, raising her voice.

“Not everything is strength or magic. You’ll see my contributions to Del’vhario’s first hit. You just wait,” spoke the elf with confidence.

“Now, that’s something I want to see,” said Nila.

“So, we go in and kill everyone?” Mau already imagined the blood and gore.

“Do we have the resources?” X questioned the male gnome.

“No?”

“Priorities,” the elf stared at both gnomes.

“We kill the highest ranking, sure shit!” interjected Nila.

“Yes and no. If the highest ranking is the most dangerous, yes, but if there’s a more dangerous being, we focus on that one instead,” retorted X.

“We shit on the toughest, meanest motherfucker!” Mau smiled widely.

“Yes and no. It can also be the most intelligent or anyone who tries to be the hero...” X took the time to gather his thoughts. “Listen, when the time comes, I’ll tell you.” Even with his short experience in this world, the redheaded elf knew he could choose the right targets better than the two easily excitable gnomes before him. “We also don’t want to attract too much heat, at least not now that we are starting out.”

“Sounds easy enough, boring, but... easy,” Nila’s voice sounded disappointed.

“Not our style. We superior gnomes need to go all in! You know?” Mau wouldn’t budge.

“What’s your style? What’s not boring for you?” X asked both gnomes.

“Yesterday night!” shouted Nila.

“Kaboom!” Mau raised both arms.

“Sub-races minced-meat-food raining from the skies!” The female gnome drove the point home.

“Now that was fun as fuck,” added Mau.

“That wasn’t even you, it was the dryad’s work... but I see your point. We’ll get there. You just be patient.” The redheaded elf lightly smiled.

“And what are you gonna do?” Nila questioned X.

“It seem’s we’re doing the heavy lifting here,” Mau glanced at the female gnome, then at the elf.

“Oh, you think so? Then let’s do it your way. I’m all ears,” retorted X.

“Eh... We’re just wondering if what you’re telling us will work... In the ground, I don’t know, Ekk’s,” Mau had several questions about the elf’s plan.

“You did the modifications I told you?” inquired the elf.

“Yes but.... is it going to work?”

“Of course it will... and between watch out and look out duty, there’s a plethora of tasks suited only for one like myself. You’ll be surprised,” the elf smiled at them, assuaging their concerns.

“If we survive,” stated Nila.

“Then let’s make it so,” interjected X.

“We’ll give your plan a try. You’re a gnome after all. Everything stays within our race’s most magnificent and marvelous specimens,” Nila grinned. In the end, the gnomes didn’t have much choice and lacked the patience to ponder their options.

“Fucking yeah! And if we do fail, may the deadly abyss swallow us whole and await our exalted presence!” Mau’s spirit returned.

It amazed X how quickly the gnomes pumped each other up. A strange thought blazed his neurons. How the hell have these two gnomes survived so far? This question’s answer would burn in him stronger for days on end, dwelling on the divine: a miracle.

Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

*

After half an hour, another rather small caravan approached.

“Three human carriages. Human nobility... some boring-ass House standard, eleven soldiers. There’s one witch... um, eight knights and a shock trooper. Maybe... Yes, that’s it,” reported Mau.

“Maybe? Aren’t you missing one from your own estimation?” questioned X.

“Do we go fuck them up?” Nila’s nerves pushed her towards action.

As the caravan approached, they began whispering as loudly as they could.

“No! Those numbers are going to pulverize us!” uttered the elf.

“Shit! Did you look at the third carriage?” Mau’s eyes widened.

“Of course we didn’t!” replied Nila. “We’re down here!”

“Six chest! Six! Surely filled to the brim with riches— Wait. Damn it, a spotter!” warned the male gnome.

“Fuck, be careful,” Nila said to the gnome perched on the tree branch. “This caravan’s warded!”

“Get down from there,” spoke X.

“If I move he’ll see me,” retorted Mau.

“If it’s warded, he’ll detect you all the same,” reasoned the elf.

“Are you certain it’s warded?” inquired Nila.

“I don’t know!” replied Mau, his nerves growing restless.

“Damn it!” exclaimed the female gnome.

“He’s looking at me!” Mau felt a pair of human eyes land on him.

“He’s not freaking looking at you.” X attempted to calm him down.

The caravan rode dangerously closer.

“Shut it! Let them pass,” the elf advised Mau to stay put, too late to do anything else.

“Fuck it!” Mau’s uneasy nature drove him to move at the last moment.

“Wait! Sit back down!” X told the edgy gnome.

In his excited desperation, Mau broke the branch he was leaning on and fell right before the caravan, bringing the branch down with him.

“What the—?!” yelled the riding knight leading the caravan. “Knights! On guard!”

“What’s happening at the front? Why we stopped?” a noble spoke from inside one of the carriages.

“A gnome fell from a tree!” replied another knight.

“What?”

“Spotter! You asshole up there! Don’t fucking sleep on the job, warn us!” shouted the leader of the knights.

“Eh? Oh yes, a gnome’s on the road. And a branch,” the spotter yawned.

“Just ram through it!” shouted another knight.

“Are you paying the House it belongs to?” retorted a third soldier.

“Someone, at least, remove the branch from the road. The wheels might break,” ordered the knight’s leader. “And you, putrajado, state your name, city, and masters!”

“It has no collar,” said the spotter.

“Is it dead? It’s not moving,” commented a knight.

Behind the trees, X and Nila exchanged plans.

“Crap!” yelped X.

“Fuck this! I’m going in!” exclaimed Nila.

“No— Wait, freaking wait!” the elf murmured loudly.

“I’ll get the spotter!” the female gnome locked onto her target.

“No! Who cares about the spotter when we’re about to be spotted? Prioritize the witch and hold the knights at their left flank. I hope Mau remembers the freaking plan,” X said to Nila.

If it were up to X, he’d be running his ass off as fast as he could, but knowing the gnomes, they’d go down with the sinking ship, even if it capsized in shallow waters.

Mau had played dead after falling and kept his eyes opened enough to observe the enemy. He barely saw their right flank, and despite his limited vision, he began casting toward a small group of stones nearby, arranged in an ‘X’ under the front traction beasts’ hoofs.

“I see his mouth moving!” exclaimed the spotter.

“What is he saying?” asked a knight.

“No! He’s casting!” replied the spotter.

“Kill the putrajado!” ordered the leader.

An explosion erupted from the ground between the forward traction beasts, blowing creatures and riders alike up in the sky in several big chunks of flesh.

“What the hell?!” The soldiers guarding this caravan were left dumbstruck for a few seconds.

Before the humans could organize, Nila jumped out of the forest with her deadly Sweeper—a glove-weapon—in hand. She shot one serrated blade into the witch’s throat, who fell back, gasping for breath in her final moments.

“Knights! Attack!” commanded the knight captain.

As the knights positioned themselves, Mau chanted a spell on another X-shaped arrangement of pebbles on the ground at the caravan’s left flank, blowing up two other knights and half of the second carriage into pieces.

“Where are the explosions coming from?” asked an altered knight.

“The ground!” replied the spotter.

“What? How?!” questioned the panicking knight.

The surviving knights were shocked and slowed, making them an easy target for Nila. After Mau stood up and threw his Skull Ripper at her, she aimed it in their direction and blasted off the top of the third carriage. The spotter’s torso vaporized upon contact, leaving only a red mist and four limbs, a grim remainder of his once funny antics. The explosion rocked the five surviving knights at the back and on their right flank, forcing three of them down to the ground. It had been an effective first attack, but it was also the only one as the gnomes had already spent all their resources.

Before the knights could get up, a redheaded elf with golden strands raised his arms, targeting them. He caught them with their thoughts disoriented and weapons on the floor.

“Oh, you want to see my power? I’m X the Elf, the ruin of many! I wreaked havoc on those humans in Dureld, their witches, D-busters, and even commanded the Herald—the Swarm—to attack them!” He stared at each pair of eyes with a murderous gaze. “Stay down, and you’ll live. I am feeling generous today. Anyone who dares to be the hero will end up crispy... ready to be eaten by my gnome comrades.”

On the other side, Nila stood, pointing the empty Skull Ripper and her Sweeper at them.

“My violent partners want me to burn you, to hear your screams as my fire magic engulfs you inside your armor, roasting flesh and bone alike! They’re hungry... Can you blame them?” The elf scanned the faces of the middle-aged knights. “Do you have kids? Do you want to see them again? Do you want to be able to please your women?” X continued with his theatrical gestures, speaking nonsense. “Oh, forces of the underground, I call on to thee—”

“Stop! Stop!” pleaded several knights.

“I freaking thought so! And don’t move, not a single finger!” X grinned.

While X’s monologue continued, the gnomes hurried to the third carriage from which Mau took out two chests.

“Hurry up! My blood boils, and I don’t know how much longer I can contain my power!” X shouted at the gnomes, knowing his acting could only take him so far.

Nila stopped at the first carriage where she found a noble family—a wife, a husband, and their child—visibly frightened. Climbing onto the carriage’s door, she looked at the noble’s child, who clutched a bag of cookies.

“Give me that!” she exclaimed, taking the bag from the scared kid. The noble family’s terrified faces told the whole story.

“Good thinking!” X congratulated her.

She emptied the bag, throwing the cookies onto the ground, and filled it with chunks of meat from the blown up beasts that pulled the carriages.

“What the—!” shouted a shocked redheaded elf.

“Real food!” She gestured towards the bloodied bag.

“I’m done. Let’s go!” Mau shouted to X as he dragged two chests into the forest.

“It’s your lucky day, crapheads!” the elf shouted at the knights.

Del’vhario’s crew ran deep into the bushes.

“Hell yeah!” celebrated the gnomes.

Mau gave one chest to Nila, and both strode quickly but carefully, dragging the chests. The trio’s spirits rose in excitement.

“That was nice!” exclaimed X.

“It was beyond nice! Did you see the bastards’ faces?” said Mau.

After five minutes of running through her woods, Nila stopped. “Fuck it! I’m tired. Let me rest.”

Suddenly, X remembered, “Hey! The chests, aren’t those too heavy!? They’ll destroy the herbage!”

Mau and Nila smiled.

“Didn’t we tell you?” Nila spoke with a smug face. “We know our line of work. We put a spell on each chest, one that makes them lighter. That’s why we can drag them in the first place.”

“And we’re watching our steps... we’ll be fine,” added Mau.

“Yeah! I knew that you would come through, my gnomes!” X smiled.

“It was a perfect hit, wasn’t it?” stated Mau.

“Let me take a look at the chests.” X approached the wooden containers and attempted to move one, but even with the spell, he couldn’t budge it. “Ah... I didn’t want to anyway.”

“You need to exercise and eat your meat,” said Nila, flashing him the bloody bag of beast meat tied to her pants’ belt.

“Nah... I’m good,” retorted the elf.

“Hey, do you hear that?” interjected Mau.

“Wait...” Nila said. “Damn it!”

The remaining knights raced through the forest in their search.

“Shit, they’re coming!” shouted Mau.

“Let’s go! Go!” yelled X.

Each gnome grabbed a chest and began running, but the knights were gaining on them.

“Bastards!” exclaimed Mau.

“Come back here, you fucking putrajados!” a knight shouted at them.

“You’re all dead!” another chimed in.

Their threats and taunts sounded louder, closer.

“Through there!” X pointed to several bushes ahead. “Hide! And when you’re alone, sprint to the farmhouse!”

“And you?” asked Nila.

“Just go!” replied the redheaded elf.

X had an idea. He had seen a flower field down below and didn’t wait, running towards it, praying to reach it before the knights caught up to him.

“Ah! Sir knights! We won’t do it again! Well, maybe once more! But only that!” X taunted the knights to attract their attention. It worked. The knights passed the hiding gnomes and raced towards him. The redheaded elf reached the flowery minefield just in time and proceeded to cross through it excruciatingly carefully.

“Kill the elf!” a knight yelled to his comrade in arms.

“No, take him alive!” corrected another.

“Flank him. And be careful with any spell this shit casts,” added a third knight.

Pressing behind him, the knights crushed plants and flowers alike.

“As soon as he starts casting, everyone dash in!” shouted a knight.

“We’ll get him before he gets us!” agreed another.

“He’s going to—” the third knight’s words were interrupted by a monstrous shadow.

“Aahh!”

“What the hell!” screamed the humans, terrorized.

“Aargh!”

X didn’t turn around. He smiled as he escaped towards the farmhouse, feeling a pair of piercing eyes fixated on his back.

“I swear it wasn’t me! I swear! I didn’t crush any of your flowers!”