“He almost died. True word. Or did he?” spoke a somber, male voice.
The moment X splashed into the river below, he remembered one of the demon-gods’ imposed curses: ‘he won’t be able swim’.
“No, wait. He came back... as a ghost! Seeking revenge!” answered a female voice.
X felt vexed enough he didn’t care to consider the consequences. Once in the river, it was already too late to veer off course.
“Damn! What’s his story supposed to be?” asked the male voice.
After his body submerged, it stopped responding to his commands. The currents took him on a bleak and murky tour from which he expected no return. He lost consciousness but was awakened by two figures shaking his body, trying to bring him back.
The redheaded elf opened his eyes.
“See, I told you this lanky shit wouldn’t die,” said the dark-green haired gnome.
“He’s as well-built as a gnome,” added his silver-haired female partner in crime.
Three moons danced in the midnight sky while X lay on the riverbank of the Felpein River. The two gnomes who had accompanied him on the carriage sat beside him. Winter approached with colder winds, and this night was no exception. The redheaded elf relished the cool breeze and basked under the radiance of three different lunar tones, refreshing his tired self.
“You don’t look heavy, but getting your ass out of the river required our highest coordination,” spoke the female gnome, sitting next to the elf.
“Ours? I did everything,” said the dark-green haired gnome, sitting on his other side.
“I cheered you up, didn’t I?”
“That you did.”
X’s erratic breathing normalized, and his body spat out whatever water remained lodged in unwanted places. He rolled his eyes from gnome to gnome.
“What are you doing here?” questioned the redheaded elf.
“Aye, mate, ain’t ‘how’ a better question?” exclaimed the male gnome. The pair eyed each other, exchanging conspiratorial glances, like two kids anticipating the question that yet had to be asked. X’s near-death experience made him temporary softer. “How?”
The male gnome winked at X and brought out what could be described as a small tube with glowing inscriptions and incrustations. “My babe here helped,” muttered the gnome.
“I’ve told you to stop doing that! Shit’s weird. What my partner’s trying to process and explain is... We fucking had a mutiny party!” The female gnome produced several other armaments, all gnome-sized and with several grades of enchantment. “Look at my children! Amazing, ain’t it?!” She displayed small steel balls, thin and enlarged cylinders, and a strange-looking glove. All their equipment bore glowing inscriptions.
“Were you carrying all these?” asked X.
“You’d be surprised how many things a gnome can carry hidden away from prying eyes, especially a female one,” she answered.
“Ah...”
“Wanna see where?”
“No, in another life, perhaps,” replied the elf.
“Well, you should, ‘cause we’ve got all kinds of hidden weapons and explosives! We told everyone back there, didn’t we? We’re the superior race, and ain’t no one stopping us!” shouted the female gnome, her face filled with excitement.
“The gnome race marches on!” added the male gnome to his partner’s poignant words.
“And... why didn’t you use them from the start?” inquired X.
“See, I told you, we should’ve done it long before Kargraz came into sight,” the female gnome faced her partner.
“But this lanky poor sod here provided the perfect opportunity for us. The wait was worth it.” The male gnome stared at X. “We had the caravan rigged and blew it to smithereens!”
“You should’ve seen it, elf! Oh... the wonders: fire, and smoke!” the female gnome chimed in.
“Splattering!”
“Splintering!”
Both gnomes’ eyes glittered with joy, still enjoying their previous revelry.
“And we couldn’t have blown it earlier. Well, you wouldn’t have wanted us to blow you along with it, would you?” The male gnome looked at the redheaded elf.
“It pains me to say it, but you've got a point— wait, you rigged our carriage too?” questioned X.
“Why not? It’s common sense. One can only be too careful these days...” replied the female gnome.
X remained quiet. They did have a point.
“Should’ve seen the humans’ faces! Ha! Gotcha, motherfuckers!” The female gnome raised her voice, excitement increasing.
“Oh, and we’re forgetting about the scrawny human. I think he pissed his pants,” remarked the male gnome, a wide grin spread across his face.
“While you, elf, were mumbling incomprehensible curses, we bullied the little scrawny shit,” the female gnome spat out her words.
“What else can you do to bastards like that? ‘Hey, I’m going for my identification documents, and I can’t wait for some butt-fucking authority to push it deeper in,’” the male gnome mimicked the tone and mannerisms of the young human they encountered earlier.
“And I’ll leave a tip while I’m at it,” added his female companion.
“Bark, bark!”
“You fucking dog, you’re worse than feralis!”
“Who the hell let themselves be branded!”
“And after you fell, mutiny!” The female gnome smiled from ear to ear.
“I do feel sorry for the scrawny human bastard. What was his name, Italica?” said solemnly the male gnome sounded.
“Yes, Italica,” answered X.
“His skull broke into five different pieces, with a thunderous boom!” The male gnome gestured, mirroring an explosion with his arms.
“It was a loud crack!” the female gnome corrected her partner.
“Mate, it sounded beautiful.” The male gnome turned to X. “His brain lays splattered all over the road and will for some time. And what was I to do?! The fucker got a magic sword out and wouldn’t drop it despite my warnings! Oh, but he never expected my hidden Skull Ripper! My babe!” The male gnome caressed his metal, glowing cylinder.
“Well, you did warn him,” interjected X.
“Of course! With my eyes, though words never left my mouth. Now that I think about it, I don’t quite remember if he had a sword out or not... But that’s not the point here.”
“Indeed, it’s not. Let’s not dwell on insignificances as reality.” X felt his blood rising. In this moment, he felt something he hadn’t in a long time—that he had met his kinda people, or gnomes in this case. “I would’ve blown off his head too.”
Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.
“Fucking A! Say we!” replied both gnomes.
A sudden silence fell as both gnomes turned their attention toward their deadly instruments. Each took out a piece of cloth and began cleaning the dried-out blood, paying special attention to the glowing inscriptions. They soaked the inscriptions in a viscous substance from a small vial, then proceeded to polish them.
“Now what?” X interrupted their focused work.
“We ain’t got no plan,” replied the male gnome.
“I though you rescued me because you had some scheme, a plan, an idea in one of your slippery minds... Why did you come for me then?” asked the redheaded elf.
“You know how difficult it is to find another real fucking gnome?” asked the male gnome.
“And we mean it, a blue-boned, real motherfucker like us,” added the female gnome.
“Do I look like a gnome now?” questioned X.
“In here.” She touched his chest. “In spirit.”
“Oh...” X didn’t expect this answer, and definitely not with their serious expressions. “Anyway, what happened to everyone else?” he inquired.
“Those who didn’t get immediately splattered ran, and whatever humans survived should be pursuing them right now,” answered the male gnome.
“Did they follow you?” asked X.
“Ah... to be truthful, elf...” the female gnome’s words halted mid-sentence.
Torches appeared in the woods across the river. Echoes of shouted commands mixed with growls and barks reached their ears.
“We did try our best, but those pesky humans are persistent,” stated the female gnome.
“Crap! Why didn’t you—?” X stared at their aloof faces. “Forget it. We better bail. Help me stand up.” X found himself including the gnomes in his plan. They had their sort of lunatic, erratic deviations, but they could handle themselves fairly well, if what they said was true. And in his current state, he needed every backup he could get.
Both gnomes stood up and gave him a boost.
“They’re across the river. Their hounds might have picked our scent. They will spread out... we’ll have to go deep into the forest behind us.” X gave one last look at the torches on the other side of the river. “Come on, let’s go. What are you doing standing there?” said the redheaded elf as he walked into the forest. Both gnomes soon followed.
“Do any of you know where we are?” asked X.
“We’re a couple hours from Kargraz, which lies back in the direction of the torches. This is the Felpein river. To the north lies Silifran and—” the female gnome was explaining when X interrupted her. “Stop! Don’t take another step!”
Both gnomes immediately halted, paralyzed by his words. “What is it?” asked the male gnome.
“A trap?” The female gnome thought they were ambushed.
“Shit! Where?”
The gnomes awaited expectingly. Tension slowly crept in.
“You said Felpein river?” X asked for confirmation.
“Yes,” replied the female gnome.
“Crap! I knew it sounded familiar!” exclaimed the redheaded elf.
“What is it, elf?” inquired the female gnome.
“We’re in her freaking forest!” X tried to remember on which side of the river she lived. “Ah... maybe... Darn it!”
“Who’s her?” questioned the male gnome.
“Crap!” The redheaded elf’s mind raced to remembered.
“My legs are cramping! Is it bad!? The fuck’s happening?” the female gnome raised her voice.
“Are we running? Do we run?” asked the male gnome, uncertain of the elf’s words.
“Tarnation! Which side is the psycho on? And where’s the freaking sun!?” X shouted at the vegetation before him.
“Fuck it! Gnomes don’t run!” The male gnome broke formation and stood defiantly toward the direction of the torches. His female companion followed suit.
“Which freaking side!?” X attempted to put his soul at ease but found that the heat indeed burned some of his remaining neurons away.
“Bring them on! Those motherfuckers won’t know what hit them!” exclaimed the female gnome.
“Where’s the main road?” asked the elf.
The female gnome pointed toward a place ahead of them. “Somewhere around there.”
“Run to the main road! Now, you creeps!” X had begun running even before he spoke to them, but soon they caught up with him.
“You’ve got a plan?” inquired the male gnome.
“Of course he does! Gnomes always do!” the female gnome chimed in.
“Listen to me and listen well! Your lives depend on it!” yelled the elf, wishing to save the trio from a nasty surprise.
“How are we fucking up those humans?” The male gnome’s bloodlust and excitement rose by the second.
“Fuck ‘em up? I don’t think we can escape them nor survive them... Bring it on! These gnomes await entrance to the beyond!” His female companion didn’t fall behind in the rising exhilaration.
“Gnomes, gnomes!” both little creatures shouted in unison.
X had it in his mind to run into the main road, a middle ground where they’d be safe from the female monster roaming these woods, her woods. Though he would still have to contend with the humans. He couldn't outrun them; sooner or later, life would come debt-collecting. Again.
“Stop!” shouted the elf.
The group came to a full halt.
“Do we stop-stop? Or just stop?” the female gnome wondered out loud.
“Now you’re confusing me. Are we stopping from fleeing?” asked the male gnome.
“Who said anything about fleeing? We break them now. You said it, gnomes don’t run!” shouted X.
“Fucking yeah!” yelled both gnomes.
“We may be temporary but the gnome race is eternal!” exclaimed the female gnome.
The gnomes’ pumped up spirits showed in their smiles.
Perhaps the gnomes had gotten to X, infecting him with their deluded nature. Their voices and small size reminded him of a pair of energetic chihuahuas, a couple of crazy shits too hyperactive for their own good. But blame also lay on himself and his uncomplicated nature, always drawn to such adventurous impulses. Or maybe he no longer wanted to run, to be a simple spectator in this world, forever reacting to events instead of being the actor. He knew that at some point, he had to cut the bull’s horns and don those himself. Whatever his reason, he had a plan—the perfect plan.
“But first things first. Don’t move. Watch where you’re stepping. Really freaking watch like your lives depend on it!” X stared at the ground, where every weed became a gruesome death in the making.
“What’s the deal?” inquired the female gnome.
“Don’t step on any flower or recently sprouted greenery. The mature and old grass is fair game, I think. And don’t damage any tree,” the redheaded elf warned them.
“Why? I don’t get it.” She pressed further for more concrete answers.
“Just listen to me. She’s around, she’s here, always watching, always preying.” Both gnomes remained unconvinced, staring at X with doubtful eyes. “If you really believe the crap you both said earlier, then trust me on this!” the elf urged them.
“But what is it you fear?” the female gnome asked for details.
“Fear? No, it’s caution. She never told me her name, but she told me she was a.... an yliad.. no... She’s a giant talking plant!” spoke X.
“A giant talking plant?” questioned the female gnome.
“I know giant plants, valpitkas. Those cocksuckers can eat you whole, camouflaging as trees and vegetation! But those don’t talk, at least the ones I’ve encountered,” said the male gnome.
“Don’t remind me, those valpitkas, slow-roasted with a creamy seffran on top... shit’s tasty. Fuck it, now I’m hungry.” The female gnome salivated at the thought of a good meal.
“No! It’s a— crap, they’re coming!” X observed the torches getting nearer. Their time for scheming was coming to an end.
Voices grew louder and came from every direction. The trio knew they were getting surrounded. A growing number of torches materialized from the darkness of her forest.
“Fuck!” the male gnome’s sweaty hands betrayed his passive stare.
“Shut up and drop down!” X commanded them.
They went prone on the ground.
“Either we fight the suckers or...,” the female gnome warned.
“No! We don’t fight!” X’s mind pressured itself to come up with a sound plan.
“What— Why?” questioned the male gnome, surprised.
“We call her, she does her thing. She should be out by now, darn it!” X cursed in murmurs. “Where the hell is she?!”
“Elf, they’re closing in.” The male gnome watched the torches closely.
“I can see the humans!” His female companion’s body trembled, not with as much nervousness as with excitement.
“She’ll come, just wait!” X was a word away from praying for his savior.
“You sure? ‘Cause I think some motherfucker is staring at us!” the female gnome fixed her gaze on the closest soldier to them.
“He’s looking at me!” The male gnome felt the discomfort of the sub-race’s gaze, a feeling that both nauseated him and raised his blood pressure.
“No, he’s not!” X attempted to keep them under control.
“We ain’t going down without a fight!” the female gnome raised her voice, grinning in the dark.
The gnomes carefully took out their armament. The female gnome strapped a glove-like set of tubes on her right hand, while her male counterpart took out his Skull Ripper, drawing different traces over its inscriptions while speaking incomprehensible words. They readied themselves and were about to spring out any moment. X knew that if a fight broke out, they’d all be death, whether under a human sword or her deranged bony fingers.