IT ALL STARTED WITH THE APPLES!

They were firm and tart, good for cooking but not the best for eating raw. Firm means that when you squeeze it, it’s not soft and mushy. At least, not until you use more force and crush the entire apple with your bare hands, splattering juices and apple gore everywhere. Tart means it’s more sour than the average apple. Which means it burns more when the apple gore gets in your eyes.

You throw the gory mess into a bowl and take out the second apple, same kind as the first. This time, you feel rebellious and decide to eat the apple despite being told it’s better for cooking and not good for eating raw. It’s sour like lemons, which reminds you of the saying about life and how much your own life sucks. It burns and you cry, moreso from the apple gore still in your eyes than your life.

THEN CAME THE KNIFE!

A few more apples were piled onto a wooden chopping board and then you bring out a knife. It’s unnecessarily long and serrated. It was perfect for cutting through the flesh of your enemies while inflicting as much pain as possible. Except, apples couldn’t feel pain or if they could they couldn’t express it. Either way, you slice and dice the apples and put them with the gore in the bowl.

MISCELLANEOUS CRAP AND MIXING!

Throw in some butter, sugar, cinnamon, and an egg. Then use some sort of spoon to stir it. We’re currently making the insides of this pie so stir it very well. Keep stirring until it has a thick syrupy liquid appearance with some mysterious chunks in it. Become disgusted at my description because your mind falls into the gutter.

Measurements? Use your intuition and feeling. Or just check online. Whatever floats your boat.

CRUST!

We can’t have a pie without some sort of crust to hold the pie’s insides. We could make this from scratch with dough, flour, egg, and sugar. However, we’re too lazy so we pull out some pre-made dough from a bag or can bought from the local department store, rough it up a little, and stretch it all over the pan we’ll be using.

We beat it to remove all the air bubbles. We smush it together and stretch it out. Rolling it around in all sorts of balls and weird shapes like a kid. Then, we ofc roll it out into the shape of a snake. After that, we decide to finally be serious and flatten it so we can spread it over the pan. Then we use our fingers or a fork to pinch the edges so it doesn’t fall through.

Don’t forget to spray the pan with some sort of oil first so the pie doesn’t stick to it. What’s that? I should’ve said that before the directions about putting in the dough? Too bad. Just wing it at this point. This pie already sucks at this point.

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PREHEAT THE OVEN!

Let’s not repeat the previous mistake and make the oven actually ready for us to use. Set it to 375, Fahrenheit if you’re a wimp, Celsius if you’re badass. No, but seriously, 375F/190C. Don’t burn the place down, badass. Now, back to the cooking.

ADD THE FILLING!

That bowl of apple gore cum suspicious chunky liquid needs to go inside the pie. The crust acts as an edible bowl, holding all of that gooey goodness in a very practical and tasty manner. The bowl tips slightly over the pan and it spills all over the pan and countertop. Perfect. Turns out we had too much filling anyways so with the leakage, it’s perfect. You’re the one cleaning this up later.

And just like that, the filling is added.

TOPCRUST!

The oh so important top crust or whatever the hell people call it. It goes over the pie to encompass the goodness and so it can be burnt rather than the filling when you cook it for too long. Unlike the bottom crust, it needs holes in it to let steam from the filling boiling to leak out. Either that or do it the same as the bottom so you can watch it explode.

For this, we use crescent roll dough since it’s in a convenient shape for cross-hatching the top of the pie. It leaves plenty of holes and just looks more fashionable than poking holes in. It has nothing to do with crescent roll makers bribing popular recipe makers.

COOK IT!

Throw it into the oven and then wait for it to get done. You can either check it frequently while enjoying the occasional blast of hot air in your face or set a timer. It’s generally done when the crust becomes golden brown, but the filling boiling and making sizzling sounds might mean it’s done as well. At this point, you’ve probably realized I don’t know how to make apple pie and am mostly BSing this.

EAT IT!

When you take it out of the oven, it should be blazing hot, so ignore those mittens and use your bare hands to pull it out. Be careful, the pain may make you drop it by accident. Remember the pain isn’t warning you of permanent nerve damage and severe burns, it’s warning you about your own weakness. Persevere through the pain while imagining how delicious it would’ve been if you actually made it properly instead of this crap.

After a minute of letting it cool down and letting cold water run over your hands, it’s time to cut the pie. Stab it right in the center then slide the knife downwards and then to the side. No, not seppuku style, as in making a triangle piece. Since the crust is stuck to the pan, you need to scrape it several times to get it out and even then a lot of the filling spills out.

Place it on a plate and it’s ready to be eaten. Use any sort of utensils to break off a piece, preferably one with a bit of filling and put it into your mouth. Chew and swallow, do not spit out your masterpiece. Even if you used too much sugar, keep eating. If you used too much cinnamon and end up coughing up pieces of half-digested pie, then just push it back in and continue swallowing.

This is an experience for the ages, not torture. Unlike cake, pie is not a lie despite rhyming with it. No matter how badly made the pie is, it’s still a delicious dessert food. I have no idea what I just wrote or what sorta POV this was supposed to be.