Over the forest stretched the seemingly endless blue.
The weak rays of the new sun glistened in the puddles like golden coins. A haze of peculiar color spread all around, mixed with the smell of morning frost. Thomas Hammer was standing next to one of the puddles and observing his own face. He enjoyed breathing in the chilly air and praising himself for choosing to be brave. If he had been but a dot in time and space before, his existence, he hoped, would become larger than the universe by the time he would return home. He had some time to think about it all; that rush, that glory, that pulsing of every cell in his body, and that sudden crash, that confusion, and fear. That wish he were half as nonchalant as Diane Hunster. That it didn’t keep him up at night or ruin his moments of triumph. But it would come with time, he soothed his ego. Kingdoms were built on less faith. The soil he stood on was molded with the lies of the greatest woman in history. He now had the chance to be her equal. He only needed to abandon… himself. And, although slowly, he was doing a fine job.
He found it strange and beautiful how his memories would change in an instant; what at one point was the golden glory they talk about in history books would suddenly become gray, lifeless, unimportant and unworthy of attention, then dark, horrifying, soul-shattering.
That’s what morality does to you, the words he had never heard echoed in his mind. Nothing but an obstacle, really.
He was waiting for the Ravens he had been promised. Whether they would really come, whether it was all another game of Elaine’s he couldn’t understand, would be revealed shortly. He had gone over the the three possible scenarios multiple times. He would only immediately die in one, together with his new courage. But if it was not a trap to kill him, which was the most likely, almost certain, then he would either die in Iceleus of hypothermia or being eater alive, or he would get to the royal castle safe and sound, find the Swan, and then die once Diane came back and Elaine didn’t need to keep him alive for that condition anymore. Either way, he was ready to leave.
He had gotten used to the rustling. He had spent so much time in that forest, in that spot, that line between here and there. Never crossing, never going back. But this rustling was not made by a hare or a deer. This was a companion. The ringing of that word in his head sent shivers down his spine. These people, whoever they were, would be responsible for his life from now on. And if that woman had tricked him, if she wanted him gone, well, it all ends with death anyway.
Just a day before, he had been sent a little note; a regular, yellowish piece of paper and regular black ink. Truly, there was nothing remarkable about it. And only five words:
We will find you tomorrow.
Thomas still had it in his pocket, though it was so crumbled it was illegible. There would be four people including Kyla. What kind of people? Powerful, to be sure. More powerful than him? Probably not. But there would be four of them. Trained. And he was not. But if he were to grab the neck of any of them and squeeze it with his new power there would be no way of…
“Thomas!” Before he could replace the red with green, Kyla was already in his arms, hugging him too tightly. He was confused, to be sure, by her sudden outbursts of affection.
“Oh… Kyla, hello. H-How… uhm… how have you been?”
“I’m so glad, Thomas,” she mumbled. Once she dived out of his uniform she sighed, “I though they would imprison you in some dungeon to blackmail Diane. I’m surprised they haven’t. It doesn’t make much sense, to be completely honest.”
Thomas looked around uncomfortably. People, companions, were standing behind Kyla, looking at him with distrust. “Thank you. I guess.”
There was one male Raven amongst them; he was the first Thomas noticed. He wasn’t particularly tall, maybe around Kyla’s height, and not someone whose face you would remember. Just a plain black-haired teenager in a black uniform. For some reason, he was the first male Raven Thomas had met in his life. He only even imagined them to be women. It didn’t help that Diane’s team were all women as well.
Ah… I shouldn’t have thought about them.
Thomas tried his hardest not to think about the people who had died, the people he hardly knew. There was nothing he could have done to save them, he knew, which was why his self-loathing usually only focused on his inability to save his mother. But in moments such as this one when he was suddenly reminded that there were many more souls lost during the past year, he would get strangely conscious of his body and the banging in his head and chest. He would count his breaths; one in, one out.
One in, one out.
One in, one out.
One in…
But it didn’t help this time. It seemed to help less and less as he came closer to the line between him and real responsibility. He saw in those people’s eyes that he was now their captain. He was their Diane Hunster. And he should give them an order, make them fight for him, and die so he could live. Could he do that, even if they were complete strangers? Was it right for him to do so, was his existence so much larger than theirs? The more he thought about it all, and he did so all the time, the less special it all seemed. Defeating Elaine? Well, she probably let him win. Those two Demons he removed? An act of terrorism, not heroism. And it went on, and on, and on, and on…
“So, are we just going to stand here or?” the guy asked, his voice deepening like he was moments away from the biggest yawn of his life.
Kyla turned around, looked at him for a moment, and then said hatefully, “Shut up, Kris.”
The guy tilted his head and replied through his teeth, “You don’t get to talk to me like that, Kyla.”
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“Oh, really?!” she continued, how standing face to face with him, her hands on her hips. “And who are you to tell me what I can and can’t do?”
Kris snorted. “Oh, grow up, Kyla. Believe it or not, but not everything is about you. We have an important mission on our hand so if you came here to argue with me…”
“Then what?”
“Then do us all a favor and go back. Or even better, go whine to Diane Hunster. It might even get her to finally muster up the courage to deal with the consequences of her actions.”
“Son of a bitch,” Kyla mumbled. Her ears went up in flames and she was about to storm towards him, her intent apparent, when Thomas grabbed the back of her uniform out of impulse and pulled her back, causing her to stumble.
Then he gripped her shoulder, cleared his throat and said, “I’m sorry for the delay. We leave immediately.”
He didn’t say anything else; he just turned around and started walking deeper into the forest. Kyla gave Kris a few dirty looks, convinced he was the one who ruined Thomas’s mood. She knew she shouldn’t have been so happy to see Thomas without a scratch on his face, he was an important piece in Clara Heal’s game, but she grew oddly protective of him. It had nothing to do with Diane; it was his strange naivety that stemmed from ignorance, soul-deep ignorance of how their world functioned. He still hand’t been tested by fate enough to abandon the incorruption he had been born with. And she hoped from the bottom of her heart, that he would preserve at least a speck of that shimmer in his eyes that he thought so lowly of; because it made her, and Diane, want to save the world.
“So,” Kris whispered into her ear, causing the hairs on her neck to raise, “what’s his deal?”
Kyla cleared her throat. “What do you mean?” She looked at Thomas’s lonely back and wished she could answer that question in a heartbeat: because he needed someone to understand him.
“I mean, I just disrespected him and undermined his authority. Why is he acting like nothing happened?”
When she looked at Kris, her eyebrows narrowed, she flushed at the sight of his deeply rooted confusion. “I don’t know, Kris. Maybe because he’s a good fucking person.”
Kris smiled. “And I’m not?” She just shrugged. He looked at her sideways, pretending like he didn’t care. Then he put his hand on her shoulder and said, “Or maybe he’s just incompetent.”
She pushed his hand off. “Or maybe you’re just an idiot?!”
She didn’t like how long he looked into her eyes; but when he turned around to look at Thomas and the forest, she wished she hadn't been so mean. They had been friends since forever after all.
“Don’t you think he’s a bit too old for you?” Kris asked out of the blue.
Kyla’s face flushed. “Go die in a ditch!” she yelled and anrgily marched towards Thomas.
“Only if you’ll mourn me!” he yelled after her.
Thomas pretended he didn’t hear any of it. It felt oddly personal and too out of character for Kyla. Everything she had done so far felt oddly out of character. Now that he thought back on it, her hug was too strong, almost feverish, like she was looking for a place to escape, to not have to look back. Kyla had been his safe haven since Diane left. They didn’t talk too much, only about everyday things like the weather or dinner, but her presence turned his new house somewhat homely.
“So, you two know each other?” he decided to ask. It was his turn to lend her a shoulder.
She frowned. “Unfortunately.”
“Are you close?”
Thomas noticed her blush slightly. “Well, we used to kiss a bit. But that’s over now.”
Thomas smiled. “So, he was your boyfriend.”
“No!” Kyla protested. “No, he was just someone I kissed. You know, when every day smells like your last, you just… do things. That’s all,” she mumbled the last sentence. Everything, from her voice to how she moved, lacked her usual confidence and power. She looked, well, like a little girl.
Kyla was only sixteen years old, but when you spend even so few years so terribly you forget just how many candles you should have blown by now; and then you start walking and talking like the mother you never knew. Or the father. Diane had found Kyla starved on the streets of some village when Kyla was seven years old. As Diane was a child herself at the time, she brought the kid back to the Headquarters, not expecting Kyla would turn out to be incredibly talented. Kyla told Thomas that she remembered every detail of that day so vividly she could tell him how many hairs had fallen out of Diane’s braid. She said that she knew Diane regretted her decision deeply, and that that was the reason why she always kept Kyla so close, as if trying to protect her at all cost. Kyla said that the reason why she fought so hard to stay alive was because she hated the idea of making Diane attend one more funeral. Thomas found it devestating. But he understood. It was what Diane Hunster did: made people feel indebted to her.
And then she would abandon them and never send a letter.
Thomas put his hand on Kyla’s shoulder. “I think he cares for you.” That was the only thing he knew to say. He had never met a soldier teeneger before, but he had met a brokenhearted one. He had been a brokenhearted one. And it brought him so much relief to finally know what to say. “Don’t you think you should give him a chance?”
Kyla’s ears turned red again. “Oh, I’ve given him a chance, allright! He’s just an idiot who… He’s the dog of the Headquarters. That makes him my enemy.”
“Maybe he had his reasons. Did you ever ask him why…”
“What is there to ask? You either think with your head or you don’t. You either follow someone blindly or…”
“But wouldn’t you say we are following Diane? Look at us, Kyla. We are about to risk our lives to potentially make her happy, and she didn’t even bother to send us a single letter.”
For a few seconds there was just the sound of crunching from under their feet and the rustling from above their heads. There was a slow breeze and the smell of wet grass. Thomas Hammer was warm, but Kyla suddenly felt sick from his heat.
“I don’t like it when you say things like that.”
Thomas took a deep breath. “But it’s true, isn’t it? Isn’t this all just a battle of perception?”
“You mustn’t let Elaine get to you.”
“I’m not. This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while. If she cares about us, why doesn’t she at least let us know she’s okay? Why do I have to beg her father and make sketchy deals with a Raven to do something I could do with her? Just her. That’s all I need.” Thomas wanted to meet Kyla’s eyes, but she refused to look at him. He could guess what she was feeling; he had been feeling it for a while. And he knew it was selfish to transfer part of that burden to her, but he wasn’t sure he could survive all that weight yet. So, he watched her eyes wander from one tree to the next until the scenery changed and she only had a temple to look at.
He let the Ravens go inside first. The last time he was in that room he was so flooded with thoughts and ideas he didn’t have time to reminisce. Now that everyone was silent and he had time to look up, he remembered what it was like to stand there, terrified, with the people who were now his enemies. Except Jeremy. He was dead. He wondered it these people would also betray his trust.
No, because I don’t trust them.
There was the growling. It didn’t make Thomas shake anymore. They went straight, took a few turns, then opened a door. There was light.
And then, pure white.