There come days when one longs for the cold.

Something about the air under the warm sun does not soothe the soul quite as well as the shivering and brisk movements of the lower jaw. The chill brings clarity somehow, and through the sharp air one can see further than the first line of houses. That is, of course, unless it snows.

As Thomas woke up facing the window, he was once again greeted by snowfall. Though weaker than the day before, it still obstructed his view of the house opposite the inn. There was considerably more sunlight than the day before, and he could even hear some chatter in the street. Thomas stood up unwillingly and, as he was brushing his teeth, concluded in his mind the conversation he had had the night before: all in all, it was unfortunate. But somehow expected for Iceleans, those ghosts with no compassion. It made sense that they of all people would live in inhumane conditions, with no light and savage punishments for the disobedient. And it did exist in his mind, the thought that everywhere was the same, that every land had its savage ways for treating the different, the disobedient, and the loud, only its acceptance would bring about an amount of change he was not yet ready for.

Because its acceptance would mean being a step closer to abandoning her. And it had been a day now since he last thought about her.

As he opened the door to his room, he was hit in the face with a very strong smell that at first sniff reminded him of rosemary. He went downstairs to find Kyla and Kyle sitting at the dining, and the only, table putting on their bread a yellow spread.

Thomas’s frowned. “What’s that?”

Kyla looked up; Kyle already had his head in his right hand looking at the door, his left index finger pressing Kyla’s bread as she painted in yellow. “I don’t know. But it’s good. Come, sit.”

Thomas continued looking at the spread with distrust as he mimicked Kyla and took a bite of the curious new spread.

“It is tasty,” he commented, stuffing his mouth full of bread. Then he looked around to check if that woman was still there.

“Meredith’s not here,” Kyla told him. “She said would be back, though.”

“Oh, I wasn’t looking for her.” He knew they were both looking at him now, trying to understand if he was serious or still asleep. They were told they were the only ones staying at the inn, and they probably were. Thomas wondered how the innkeeper’s reputation would change if he were to complain about the letting of strange women roam around the hallways, look out the window, and scare the guests with truths. “I met a woman yesterday,” Thomas said casually.

“Where?” Kyle asked immediately.

“Right here, actually.” They both seemed even more conflicted, so Thomas shrugged. “I guess Elaine sent her to talk to me.”

“Again?!” Kyla let out, slamming her knife against her plate so the entire room rang with anger. “I can’t believe that woman! So, that’s why she changed the manual. Fucking psuchopath.”

“Kyla please…” Kyle protested.

Before Kyla could say anything offensive again, Thomas looked down and said, “I’m scared. It’s starting to make sense.”

Kyla didn’t know how to respond at first. “What do you mean?”

“I mean… There are so many things I don’t know. I see that clearly now. And I’m scared that, if I keep finding out more, my opinion might change.”

Kyla’s ears flushed. “On what? Diane?”

“No…”

“Then there’s nothing to worry about. The world is messed up, yes, but is bringing those Demons really the way to save it? Really?”

Thomas sighed. “I guess not.”

“See? Nothing to worry about.” But there was plenty to worry about. Kyla picked up her knife and with shaky hands continued spearing the yellow substance on her bread. The past was starting to fade, and it would fade even more with each day she’s absent. People are fickle like that; they forget grotesquely, slowly at first and with lots of pictures that begin to fade into half-truths, until they are suddenly gone. That is why worlds are not built on loyalty and faith, but fear and despair.

And Thomas was beginning to feel desperate.

“She told me about cleaning the snow,” Thomas continued. “I’ve never heard about it.”

“Well,” Kyla replied, “it’s doesn’t exactly present Iceleus in a positive light.”

“It just makes me think how many more monstrosities are hiding out there.”

“Oh, they’re not hiding,” Kyle said out of the blue. “They are right there, in plain sight. You just need to want to see them.” He looked into Thomas’s eyes which were slowly getting grimmer in search of something, support perhaps. “And the people of Crystalia are not ready to look.”

Kyla grunted. “There are many ways to save the world, Thomas. Just because something is easy doesn’t make it good.”

“And what exactly is easy here?” Kyle protested.

“Using a dead girl and her egotistical ideas as an excuse to scare people into submission. How long do you think that will last, hm?”

“Longer than Crystalia’s peace, that’s for sure.”

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“And who created that peace, I wonder?”

As the door opened, the cold Thomas had pushed into the farthest corner of his memory hit him in the back and made him jump slightly; it lingered around the room long after the door had been closed.

“We are set to go,” Meredith said. “Our guides are waiting for us. It would be nice if you hurried up.”

Kyla angrily pushed her chair back and stormed into her room. Kyle followed her, slowly and silently, until Thomas heard mumbling in the upstairs hallway. Thomas, not wanting to disturb them, awkwardly continued eating more bread, even though he was already completely full. Meredith sat opposite him and watched him attentively as he tried his best to ignore her.

“You know you will have to talk to me at some point,” she said.

Thomas found this remark unnecessary and plain offensive, so he, without looking up, shook his head and said, “I don’t think so.”

She chuckled, he knew not why. Powerful people, powerful evil people, seemed to find him ridiculous in his lack of heroic traits. But there was still something different about Meredith Brown compared to the other two women who enjoyed torturing him; he couldn’t tell what exactly it was, he wasn’t that perceptive, he just felt a relief in the air around her that allowed him to despise her more strongly than Elaine. With the Aqarian there was a sense of uncertainty coming from his fear of change, but he knew there couldn’t possibly be anything even redeeming about a Brown.

So, when she silently pushed a slip of yellow paper towards him, once the rustling echoed through the room, Thomas found himself completely frozen, turned to stone in an instant. He sat looking at it, not daring to move his firngers towards it in fear of his touch making it disappear. Or that it would make it real. He would have rather had it turn to dust or burn the inn to the ground as a result of some evil plot. But it wouldn’t, that was painfully obvious as the two sat looking at the table.

It was that simple.

He knew what it was; he didn’t even have to read it. He didn’t want to read it. A feeling similar to disgust, resentment even, flooded him as the paper stared at him telling him that was all it took.

“Aren’t you going to read it?” Meredith asked, unaware of the conflict that was igniting in him every time someone mentioned a queen’s name. He couldn’t escape her because everthing was about her. His whole existence was because of her. The snow was because of her. The pain and suffering so she could relieve it. She could make the snow melt and the sun shine stronger than it even had. It was all because of her because it was for her. So she could be the hero. And now the smallest piece of paper was collecting dust in front of him, showing him once again what he had missed a year ago: that she didn’t really care.

He hastily grabbed the paper, opened it with frenzy and read, in raven black ink, the words

Stay alive.

Thomas felt pressure in his abdomen push all the bread and yellow spread up towards his mouth and he jumped up and ran upstairs towards the bathroom. Tears were pouring down his face as he emptied his guts of evil women and their plans, their lies, and their truths until his throat closed up so much he couldn’t breathe. As he was gasping for air, his lungs filling with deceit, Kyle burst into the bathroom and pulled him up, but Thomas’s knees had turned to jelly and he couldn’t hear Kyla’s words as she grabbed his face. He could only see red, like his blood and the house they burnt, both of them together. One was not more at fault than the other, he convinced himself at the moment. He was just there to be deceived and made a fool. The true victim of this plot.

Then Kyle and Meredith pulled him outside, the strong cold, the freeze, the killing air burning his nostrils and purifing his lungs of evil, so he could breathe normally again. Little by little, his vision cleared and he heard Meredith say, “He’s a Flamer. They can’t freeze. He’ll be fine.”

He was kneeling on the snow-covered road but he couldn’t turn to ice.

“Men and their stupid pride,” Kyla said angrily, maybe worriedly, as the three went back inside and left the dejected Flamer look at the people pass him by in half-wonder.

And he sat there like that for hours, his senses coming back to normal, his heart rate slowing down and his brain clearing up the fog created by shock.

She is alive. That’s good. And she sent me a message, which is also good. But she only said two words. Only two words after… I don’t even know anymore how many months. Like we’re nothing but strangers. Like she didn’t leave me with this duty. Does she not care how things are going? There wouldn’t be any progress to repot but… shouldn’t she at least care? And Meredith?! Did she… did she give the note to that Demon or did the Demon find it? I don’t see how or why the two would be… No, she must have found it.

“Are you feeling better?” Kyla asked him, suddenly sitting down next to Thomas in full gear.

That was when Thomas remembered they were supposed to leave hours ago. “What happened to the guides?” Thomas asked, fidgety.

“They’re inside, don’t worry. We’ll leave tomorrow morning.”

Thomas lowered his head and started drawing little circles in the snow. He had overreacted, that much he knew. But there comes a point when the feelings have to come to the surface, and he had been bottling so much it was no wonder he would randomly burst at awkward moments.

“What are you thinking about?” Kyla asked him.

Thomas smiled sadly. “You know, now that I’ve thought about it, what hurt me the most wasn’t that she didn’t ask how I was but that she didn’t ask me about my mission. It’s embarrassing to say, and I don’t know why I’m even telling you this, but I feel… underestimated. Like she expected that I would have nothing to report…”

“I’m sure it wasn’t like that.”

“But it is. And I understand why. And I keep thinking about it and talking about it all the time but I just keep missing the point. I keep feeling like… like a victim. Like I deserve an appology.”

“And you do.”

“We all do. The whole world does. I hate that I feel like I have it harder than the others. Like the world is especially hard on me. And the more time passes, the more I feel like I don’t know her at all. Like my memories are fading and turning into something different. And I know you may not understand, but that scares me. Because, why if it’s true? What if I have misinterpreted everything and made the wrong choice? My choice means so much that I am so afraid of making a mistake. Because I don’t even know who I am anymore.” He looked straight ahead at the snow that was falling with more intensity now. “Do I love her or do I love that she can make me a great man?”

He didn’t expect Kyla to laugh. He turned towards her as her laugher unclogged a canal leading to his brain and made the colors of the world more vivid and more real. “Does it really matter? What’s the difference anyway?”

He was taken aback. “What do you mean?”

Kyla sighed. “Here’s a friendly advice: drop that self-righteous act you have going on. It will make your life much easier. The world is a horrible place because people are horrible beings. That’s all there is to it.” She stood up and brushed the snow off her uniform. “And as for love… Well, let’s just say it’s like an exchange. You give something and get something in return. You give her a safe place and she makes you the king. One hell of a bargain if you ask me. And don’t expect her to be perfect, because you sure as hell know that you are not.”

As she opened the door to the inn, a gush warm air hit Thomas’s face, reminding him of the first time he visited George’s house. Back then, he was afraid there were monsters lurking around; now that silly fear was laughable. Now he knew he had a monster within himself, one that was more awake now than ever. It is never easy reinventing oneself and coming to terms with imperfections and chips on one’s morality. And not even Kyla’s words were enough to pacify his doubt anymore.

Yet, the snow just kept falling. And people kept cleaning it. So, Thomas stood up and went towards the warmth.