There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t think past the sight of Sayla dead in my arms. I was screaming. At least, I think I was screaming. I couldn’t have been doing anything else to make my throat so bloody and sore.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

She had no reason to apologize. I was the one who’d brought her into this. I was her big sister. I was the one who was supposed to protect her. Why was it always the other way around? Why could I never keep her safe?

I wanted to go for Zann’s throat. He’d thrown her dagger with her hair, motioning for a soldier to hand him a cloth. It was within reach. I could have used wind magic to bring it to me, but I couldn’t think. Sayla was gone. My sister was gone. What was I going to do?

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Enri was at my side for a moment. Her hands were on my shoulders, and she was whispering something. I couldn’t make out the words past my blood rushing, and I couldn’t imagine they could be important. What was more important than my sister? Her voice rose as she whipped her head to Zann. His voice was still calm and something besides panic bubbled in me. Rage.

I was screaming at him. I don’t know what I said. Curses, probably. Threats and promises and vows of his demise. My words were hoarse and my eyes were heavy with tears that wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t even stand, let alone summon any magic to help me.

Enri was standing now, marching over to Zann, her hand falling onto one of her daggers. Vanli moved in between them, her scars catching the light. Sayla must have put up one hell of a fight to wound her so badly. Enri was screaming at him, yelling for the first time since I’d known her. “What were you thinking? This could ruin her!”

Zann’s smirk hadn’t left his face, looking around Vanli to Enri. He said something, but I couldn’t hear it as two guards were moving to take Sayla. They were trying to pry her from my arms, but I wasn’t budging. They didn’t deserve to even look at her, let alone touch her. They seemed to struggle for a moment, realizing the moment I did that my magic was moving again.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

“Be still.” I froze again and, for the first time, my tears stopped. “Your king speaks.” They pried her from my arms like pulling clay from a wheel. They took her out the same door she came through, and then she was out of sight. My sister was gone. She wouldn’t even get a funeral. Just a few scraps of hair from a culture I didn’t share from the asshole who murdered my only family.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know how I ended up in bed. At some point, he must have released me, but I don’t remember it. As they hauled Sayla out of the room, everything got fuzzy. Enri was still yelling, and Zann’s cool demeanor was staying firmly in place. Maybe Enri carried me. Maybe I walked. Maybe Zann dragged my body across the palace to show off his handy work.

My bed was soft and warm, but with none of the comfort I was used to. I might as well have been on concrete for as much as it mattered. As much as anything mattered. None of it did.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t sleep. Or, if I did, I didn’t remember it. There was nothing that could pull me out of bed except for the ache of bodily functions, and even that was iffy. I think I spent a few days in the bathroom, not having the energy to move from one place to the other. The lights were never on, and the curtains were drawn, so I couldn’t be sure.

I had no energy to eat. Sanus and Turja dutifully delivered every meal to my door, knocking swiftly before coming in and setting it on the bedside table. Each meal was untouched, left to cool and go to waste each morning and night.

It felt like a bitter joke. I’d watched Sayla’s throat get slit wide open, and they expected me to eat after that. I would have done anything to be in her place. She was always the stronger one. She would have been able to keep going. Maybe that’s why she apologized. She knew I wouldn’t survive.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Enri was with me in the beginning, I think. I remembered her bright hair and her soft voice whispering to me. I think they were promises, but I couldn’t be sure. Maybe she was telling me she loved me. Maybe she was telling me I was useless.

For a long time after, she was gone. I was alone again, on the floor of my bathroom, unable to call upon the strength to get up. Under different circumstances, I might have found it funny. Curled up on the bathroom floor, not even a towel to cushion my head against the ground. But my sense of humor had long since bled out, leaving a hollow spot where it had once taken up so much space.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Clecia came to visit. It was one of the days I wasn’t on the bathroom floor. I had managed to climb my way back into my bed, the covers pulled up and over my head. I heard the door open, not bothering to look. Part of me hoped it was Zann. I hoped that I had been useless enough to him that he’d finally get rid of me.

Clecia pulled the covers from my head. Her eyes were wet with tears and her hands were shaking as she signed. It was slow and deliberate. I had to wrack my brain to remember what the signs meant.

“I’m sorry means nothing right now, but it’s all I know how to say. I didn’t know her well, but she didn’t deserve what happened to her. His—” She stopped for a moment, her hands falling to her lap. With a deep breath, she continued. “Zann didn’t tell us. I think he knows how much we care about you and didn’t want any friction. Corek is on the verge of deserting and Eumen is spending all her time talking her down. I want you to be better, Kaiya, but I know grief well and it does not let us go. It will stick with us until we’re strong enough to carry it. Take your time. We’ll be here when you’re ready.”

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She stood, placed her warm hand on my face, and leaned over to kiss my cheek.

I went to sleep for the first time in days after she left.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

I took a shower at some point. At least I was in the shower, my clothes soaking through as the water rained over me. I couldn’t say how long I was in there, the warm water eventually running cold. Every part of me had gone numb, cauterized, and closed off, but I could feel the chill of the water soaking me to the bone.

Enri got me out of there. Stripped me naked and dried me off. I think I tried to help her. Or maybe I was just making it harder for her work. The light of her magic might as well have been the sun, the way it burned my eyes. She was talking to me again, but I still couldn’t make out of the words.

No.

I could.

I just didn’t care.

I fell asleep while she was talking.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

I was in the bathroom again, my cheek pressed against the no longer cool floor. I was throwing up, or I had been. Something in my stomach wasn’t sitting well. Turja had begged me to eat something. Sanus shoved something soft down my throat, forcing me to chew and swallow.

It didn’t stay. Not that I would have let it, but it crawled its way back up my throat and made its peace in the water. I stayed on the floor until nature called and then several hours after.

The next time I was in the shower, Corek dragged me from the floor and tossed me in. She wasn’t as gentle as Enri. She wasted no time taking her clothes off and coming in with me. Corek scrubbed and lathered and washed. I was handled like an unruly animal on bath day. There was no pity or sympathy in her movements as she hosed me down. My hair was an unruly mess, and she washed, detangled, and dried my curls.

When she hauled me out of the shower, she dressed me, too. She rummaged through my dresser and pulled on all my clothes. If I wasn’t close to unconsciousness by the time she was done, I might have felt like a person again.

“We’ll keep waiting.”

She shut my door quietly and left.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

I stood at the window. I think Corek opened it before she left, letting a cool breeze run through. The world had changed again. The air was now cool, with a hint of frost at the end. It was fall, I think, and it would steadily get colder as winter took over. The leaves were beautiful shades of orange and yellow and I could feel how much harder the ground had gotten.

It was a little surprising to know that. I thought that my magic would have left me along with everything else. It would have made sense. I didn’t need it anymore.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Eumen stood at the window, looking out of the garden. She looked different, but I couldn’t place why.

“It’s beautiful. I wish we had a view like this back in the barracks. I mean, our accommodations are way better than when we were with the normal troops, but still. The flowers have such a nice smell and manage to calm me down.” She paused, turning away from the window and looking at me. “I hope that it calms you.”

She pushed away from the sill and sat down next to me. My room was cold now, and I huddled underneath my blanket. There was a scar racing its way up her arm and shoulder. She didn’t have that before.

“Corek said she helped you shower. I hope that helped.” She was quiet as she stared out the window. “I’m praying for you, you know. I don’t think you know much about any of our religions, but I don’t think it matters that much. I’m praying to Ankth to look over you. You may not want it, but I believe you need it. We need you, Kaiya. Not to lead us or order us or anything. We need you to survive because you’re you. You’re our friend and w-we love you so much.” Her voice broke, and she stopped, her head tilted to the ceiling. “We’ll be with you, Kaiya. Every day until the end.”

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Enri was there again. She moved me to the couch and stripped the sheets. Turja hauled off my sheets and blankets while Sanus and Enri worked on getting the new sheets on. I hadn’t noticed there was a smell until they placed me on the new bed.

Enri and Sanus were talking about something. There was talk of moving me again. To Enri’s room, possibly, so she could look after me better. “She’s getting better, I think,” Sanus said. “She’s been sleeping more.”

“I can’t tell if that’s a good thing.”

“It’s better than when she was awake for hours staring at the wall. I swear she didn’t sleep for four days.”

“I guess I’ll take it.” Enri sighed as she pulled the blanket over me. “Feel better, Kaiya.”

I love you.

I’m sorry.

When I opened my eyes, Lenris was there. She sat in a chair, bouncing Nicia on her knee while she slumped face first into Lenris’s stomach. Despite her small size, her snores were quite loud.

“Loud, isn’t she?” Lenris stroked Nicia’s hair. “The doctor said she’ll be fine, and babies are just like that sometimes. Still doesn’t put me at complete ease, though. Not much does, these days.” Nicia shifted, rubbing her face hard into Lenris before settling again. “Madam Enri told me what happened. That your sister passed far before it was her time. I know a sister is not the same as a husband, but believe when I say I carry grief as well. It’s been one hundred and fifteen days since Noram died, and somehow it still feels like day one. The grief hasn’t lessened at all. In fact, I think it’s gotten heavier.”

Lenris reached down into a bag and pulled out a cloth. She lifted Nicia’s head and placed it under her mouth before settling her again. Babies were gonna drool, might as well mitigate some of the staining.

“I can’t tell you whether or not the grief you hold will pull you down with it or if you’ll somehow find the strength to lift it up and carry it with you as you go. I certainly didn’t think I’d be able to move forward. It was us against the world and I believed it always would be. But life, fate, the gods—whatever you believe—always has their own plan. We can struggle against the hands of it, or rise, take their hand, and walk forward with them.

“All this to say, a large part of your world may have fallen apart, but not every part of it has crumbled. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to use this time to have Nicia sleep in a nice bed for a change. The house provided by His Majesty is nice, but I can tell just from looking how much better this one is.”

She moved to the other side and laid Nicia down. There was a moment of protest, and then she settled. Lenris and Nicia stayed until Enri came to retrieve them.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Enri was the one who delivered my breakfast. She knocked briefly before coming in. I heard glass begin to shake and rattle. When I turned around, tears were running down her face. My clothes were ill fitting, but I laced up my leathers, fully dressed for the first time in a long time.

I love you, Sayla. More than I’ve ever loved myself, and if I loved you any less, it wouldn’t hurt so much. But I have to get up. I have to begin again. Wait for me.

I managed a smile, though it still felt wrong. “Hey.”

Enri set down the tray before she dropped it. “Hi.”