Chronic stood on his porch and looked out onto his ranch, admiring everything he had built. When he decided he was going to settle in this area, he bribed the right people and sent out the bat signal for the rest of his friends to join. Now, he had more resources than he’d ever need and could profit off the farm itself in a year or two.
Everything was going perfect, but the mundanity of it all still bothered him. He had made enemies—powerful ones at that. Killing them might be the last thrill he’d ever have. Then what purpose would life hold?
“Gimme one of those,” he said as he reached toward his butler, who removed a golden lid from a golden platter to reveal a large stack of rolled sticky leaf. He put it in his mouth and another man lit it for him. He puffed it to life. The troubles and anxiety rolled away as he exhaled. “If you see a three-legged ape, come get me immediately!”
The servants bowed their heads.
Inside the home, his friends were discussing plans.
“Where is that skinny bastard you were hanging out with a few years ago?” Silverhand asked. He fidgeted with the pommel of his sword as he awaited an answer. He stood with perfect posture. His long silver hair fell onto his shoulders. Regardless of how casual an encounter was, he always wore his chainmail chestpiece and thick leather pants.
“Travis? I don’t know man,” Chronic said. “I had a few letters sent to Esteval so we’ll see.”
“Esteval eh? Now that was a fun week…” Gorstin said, puffing his cigar. Gorstin was a short and stout man. He wore a less formal tuxedo with white gloves. He took particularly good care of his mustache that flowed past his jaw. “Remember that stabby dame they had running around there?”
“Had being the key word there,” Tristan said. Tristan was by all accounts average. He wore colorful designs to stand out. His pants and shirt were made of patches of various colors. “Bitch was like a frightened wolf baring its teeth. Bound to happen sooner or later.” He raised a glass, took a long sip, and grimaced at the drink’s burn before adding a few ice cubes.
“All those Esteval bitches were wild!” Chronic said. “Freedom’s what it’s all about.” He took another long drag before putting the joint out in a drink of a man walking by.
The man gave him a crooked eye.
“Do something!” he said, puffing out his chest.
The man sighed and walked off.
“Is anyone else seeing this?” Silverhand asked as he stared out the window.
They all joined him to see guards and workers running to what appeared to be a gathering of elk with large antlers. They made loud noises that Chronic was able to imitate back to them.
“What the hell are they doing there?” Tristan asked, taking another small sip and grimacing.
“Oh shit!” Chronic yelled. “Those elk are sucking and fucking each other! I’m going in!” He ran out the door. As he ran across the field, he stopped, jumped, and pumped his fist before turning back to the house. “Gay elk orgy!” He continued screaming as he ran toward the elk, his voice fading in the distance.
“Never seen anyone that excited for anything in all my life…” Gorstin said, shaking his head. “And I’ve sold a stable of whores to virgins.”
“To be fair, how often do you see a giant gay elk orgy on your own property?” Tristan said while handing his drink to one of the servants.
Silverhand drew his sword and looked around the room carefully.
“Oh gods. You're like a dog before a storm. Calm down.”
“This isn’t something that would happen…ever,” he said. “It’s a trap. I’m sure of it.”
The room laughed.
“How many times have I heard ole Silver say that it’s a trap!” Gorstin said.
Everyone had a few more laughs, but Silverhand walked around the room searching all the doors and corners. After he checked them all, he sheathed his sword once more.
“Better safe than sorry,” he said.
“You are such a f–”
The back door smashed in as two figures charged into the room. Gorstin quickly drew a wand and fired mud balls that shot from behind them. One of the figures summoned a shield that blocked the attacks.
“We’ll give you one chance to run away and never return,” Cadivus said as Ekio withdrew her shield.
“Are you dense?” Tristan asked.
Cadivus looked down at his pants.
“Not at the moment…”
“I’m guessing you're here for Chronic, right? Well, if that is the case that means you caused that interesting distraction somehow and lured him outside alone, near only a few farmers and hired guards.”
“Yes. It was a genius strategy. What of it?”
“If you had him alone…outside, why would you come in here?”
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Cadivus and Ekio both looked at eachother.
“I told you,” she mumbled.
“Be more assertive next time then,” he muttered.
“It doesn’t matter your plan.” Silverhand said as he held his sword out. “Your lives will be extinguished in mere moments. Meet thy maker.”
“Well at least we get to beat up an emo kid,” Cadivus said.
“I’m not emo!”
“Sounds like something an emo guy would say,” she said. “I think if we wait a few more moments, he might use the blade on himself.”
Silverhand shrieked and charged, Cadivus deflected an overhand slice attack with his chain on his arm, kneed him in the stomach, and slid underneath him while kicking him towards Ekio. She bashed the tumbling man in the face with her shield, knocking him to the ground. She removed her dagger. As she swung down the man exploded off the ground and found footing on the ledge that ran near the ceiling. His long blade now reached between the ground and his new location.
“I suppose I’ll take a do-over,” Silverhand said, grinning.
**********
“Holy shit! Look at the dong on that one!” Chronic shouted as he grabbed a farmer and pointed toward a well-endowed elk being fellatiated by a green elk. “Nature is crazy!”
“Yes, boss,” the farmer said. “Very crazy.”
“It’s not crazy to show your love!” the green elk shouted back.
“These fuckers can talk?” Chronic yelled. “I have the best planta—farm ever!”
The green elk spit onto the ground and stood tall. He turned his nose up toward the sky, closed his eyes, and then let out an unusual call for an elk. When the call ended, the other male elk stopped throwing it back and looked toward Chronic. They snorted air through their noses and took off at full sprint, making calls of their own.
Chronic screamed.
**********
Cadivus swung his fist at Tristan, aiming for his head. Tristan blocked the blow with his arm and grabbed his hand.
“Take,” Tristan said.
His vision became very blurry. He backed away and rubbed at his eyes.
“What did you do to me?” He checked his blurry vision and rubbed them again.
“I can steal people’s senses or give them my own. Chicks like the latter.”
He stopped rubbing his eyes and took a fighting stance once more.
“It’s basically already over. Nobody can fight without vi—”
He kicked Tristan in the dick.
Tristan grabbed at his balls and turned to Gorstin. “Avenge me, G.”
Cadivus swung the small length of chain around Tristan’s neck and threw him to the ground, his head bouncing off the floor.
“How the hell did you pull that off?” Gorstin asked.
“Think I’ve never fought drunk before?” Cadivus replied as he charged Gorstin.
Gorstin pointed to his left. When Cadivus turned to look, several mudballs struck him, pushed him against a wall, and stuck to him. He struggled to break free.
“I think I’ll just wait for one of these guys to gut you,” Gorstin said. “I hate getting my hands dirty, ironically enough.”
“Well, in that case, you’ve forced me to use my secret weapon.” Cadivus said as he stared down the mudslinger.
Gorstin’s eyes lit up.
“Oh? And what’s that?”
“Ekio! Help!” he screamed.
**********
Silverhand made piercing attacks with his enlarged sword that Ekio either dodged or blocked with her shield. She threw her dagger at him in between the blows but he shrank his own sword and knocked it away before continuing his attacks.
She jumped backward and prepared for the next flurry of attacks, but they stopped.
“Get closer, loser,” he said, waving her over with his hand.
She looked at him and the distance between them.
“Ah, I see. Don’t worry. I bet it happens to lots of emo swordsmen.”
“Ha, ha, ha,” he mocked. “You think you're a better warrior than me?”
He jumped down from his position, she charged at him, increasing her speed with a push of wind. She held out her shield to smack the side of his head once more, but he placed the tip of his blade in the middle of it and extended the sword, sending her flying across the room. She crashed through a hanging wall.
She punched the ground and stood up just in time to block another attack. He had a smug look on his face as she tried to close the distance once again.
Yet his smug look disappeared as the wind lifted him off the ground. He struggled to stay upright and control his blade. She charged in and threw a spinning elbow directly into his liver, causing his body to shut down. His blade fell to the floor. She then kicked his chest, sending him into a wall on the other side of the room.
“Ekio! Help!” Cadivus yelled out.
She looked to see him stuck to a wall. She grabbed the sword off the ground and threw it toward him. It collided with the mud, freeing one of his hands. He grabbed the sword and cleaved off the rest.
“This is pointless for you two,” Gorstin said as he summoned a giant wall of mud in front of him.
Cadivus and Ekio both charged toward the mud wall as the ground rumbled. The mud wall fell and showed the two other henchmen grouped beside Gorstin now, all staring out a window.
“Oh…fuck!” Tristan shouted.
The elks charged through the doors, windows, and walls. The surprisingly thin walls crumbled beneath the elks’ massive weight and power. Silverhand was trampled. Two separate sets of antlers struck Tristan through his chest, and his body hit a pillar as each elk ran to a different side, tearing him in half as he screamed.
Cadivus’s vision returned, just in time to grab Ekio before she was trampled. He leaped to the far side of the room, and they pushed themselves up against the wall. As they watched the chaos, they spotted Chronic riding one of the elk through his own home.
“This is my shit!” he shouted. “Whoo! Let’s trample some mother fuckers!” He exited out through the other side.
As the raid died down, a green elk approached them.
“Aren’t ya glad I came now?” Bobo said.
“Isn’t that kind of your thing?” Cadivus asked.
Bobo laughed and turned back into the green-haired wizard.
“What did you do anyway?”
“Psh. Easy. I just made a call for the girls over in Tobias Woods to come out into the fields to come get some.” He brushed off his sleeves. “With all those male hormones in the air, they couldn’t resist. The boys like to get riled up, but when females are around, they just see red.”
“It’s gross and clever, I’ll admit,” Ekio said.
Bobo nodded and transformed back into an elk.
“Wait. Where are you going now?”
“Honey, you gotta get it while the gettin’s good. I’m sure you two can clean the rest of this up.” He sauntered off, shaking his tail in the air and making more odd calls.
Ekio and Cadivus stared at each other, looking into each other’s eyes. Cadivus leaned in to kiss her but was met with a hand on his mouth.
“Yeah. Not exactly good timing.” she said.
He mumbled something into her hand.
She removed it. “What?”
“That’s between me and the hand.”
She rolled her eyes.
He regripped his new sword and ran toward the two downed men. As Silverhand moved to get up, he swung the sword down at his neck. Silverhand dodged the blade and grabbed the back of it, preventing him from moving it.
“It’ll be a cold day in hell before I die to my own blade,” Silverhand said.
He grunted as he struggled to move the blade, pulling and pushing in every way he could think of. He then gave it a mighty push downward. Silverhand released the blade, and the cold steel sunk into Cadivus’s own flesh.