As Cadivus’s group arrived near Pribbs after nearly a full day of riding, they couldn’t wait to get off the beast’s back and stretch their own. Hunter used his sight on the beast once more to immobilize it, while the others hopped off, and Sparklebutt was pulled back in and released from his ropes.
“Sorry about all that, Sparkles,” Cadivus said, “but it was the only way to get out of those woods, a devil's virgin.”
“Actually, it wasn’t that bad,” Sparklebutt said. “Reminded me of my good ole days.” He stretched.
“I’m not sure what that means, but I am simultaneously intrigued and unwilling to ask for elaboration.” He motioned for the others to get away from the beast, pulled Hunter up to his shoulder and walked him away from the beast, handing him off to Ekio. “You guys go on ahead. I’ll convince the beast to leave.”
The others agreed and walked through the thick trees and toward the town. Several minutes later, he walked up to meet them. In the distance, trees bent and cracked as the beast left.
“You didn’t just jerk that thing off, did you?” Hunter asked with a look of disgust.
“A gentleman never tells, my boy,” Cadivus replied as he approached Thermia and wiped his hands on her dress.
The group pressed on. Since it was getting dark, they figured it was less suspicious to approach in the morning. To avoid detection, they also opted for no fire, which relieved Cadivus. The group all slumped against nearby trees, toward the edge of the forest, except for Sparklebutt who curled up on the ground with his thumb in his mouth, snoring lightly.
“Ekio,” Cadivus said, “lay near us please.” He tapped the small spot between him and Thermia.
“In your dreams, lava boy,” she said as she passed by. He grabbed her hand and whispered.
“I don’t know these men well enough, and I am worried about her.” He motioned his head toward Thermia.
She looked down at him, saw the sincerity on his face, and nodded. She lay up next to Thermia, who smiled from ear to ear and talked hers off. Cadivus surveyed the area one last time, observing the sleeping bait and catching eyes with Hunter. He could swear he gave him the slightest nod. He couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to this group than met the eye. Still, he had to trust their goals were aligned.
When the group awoke the next morning, the delightful scent of distant fresh bread and butter lingered in the air. They slowly got themselves together, some more easily than others.
Thermia ran her fingers through her hair, becoming more violent with each motion. “The freaking sap got in my hair last night!” She shouted, nearly ripping her hair out in the process as she growled in her follicle frustration.
“My dear, stop this,” Ekio said, grabbing her arm. “You’ll be bald at this rate! Let me see.” She moved her fingers through her hair, noting that even though Thermia was due for a wash, Thermia’s hair was still brilliantly soft and smelled rather nice. She found the spot of sap. “You’ll need some strong wine to get this out. Pulling at it will only make it worse.”
“I don’t mind my ass smelling like a sewer but no one told me life on the road was gonna be this hard.” Tears spilled from Thermia.
“It hasn’t even been a week…” Cadivus muttered.
Ekio quickly shifted her stance, causing him to turn his head sharply into a tree.
Stroking his head, he uttered “Yep. That one’s solid enough.” He tapped it twice before walking away, holding his forehead.
“Okay. We need to go over a few things before heading into Pribbs,” Hunter said, standing in front of the group. “First off, it would be better to cut your hair off completely, ladies, but we’ll have to settle for tying it up and hiding it under hats.” He motioned to Ekio, who slid a piece of twine off her wrist and tied up Thermia’s long red hair. He then removed his hat and placed it on top of her head. Revealing his short, blond, and balding hair underneath. After pulling some of his clothes from his bag, he gave them to Thermia, "Change into these darlin."
“Can I ask why I’m not allowed to look cute anymore?” she asked, taking the clothes from his hands.
“Well, here’s the thing…Pribbs is not like any other place in the world. I’ve only been here a few times for the odd contract but, I have learned no women are allowed here.”
“Sounds like my birthday parties,” Cadivus said.
“I’d imagine so,” he said. “Even more, you need to be careful how you speak. It’s dangerous to ask too many questions. And as far as I can tell this place is full of the most extreme misogynists in the realm.”
“Well that should be interesting. Up until this point I’ve only had normal massages.”
“You’ve gotta start asking for pleasant finishers,” Sparklebutt said. “Complete game changer.”
“How does that work exactly?” Cadivus said. “ I always chicken out at the last moment.”
“Well, what I do is put the coins on the table, and then I–”
“What I mean,” Hunter interrupted, “is that these men hate women more than anyone I’ve ever seen. As such, any woman found here will be turned away, jailed or possibly murdered on sight.” He pulled a spare pair of boots and some loose pants from his bag. “Ekio, I don’t have another hat for you to wear. We’ll either have to make you one or cut your hair. Or you’ll have to wait out here.”
Ekio laughed.
“There will be no need.” She grabbed her hair and gave it a strong tug, removing her wig and handing it to him to place in his bag. Her near bald head beneath glistened in the sun that passed through the trees. She also removed her earrings.
Cadivus glared at her with his mouth open.
“Did that just happen?”
“What?! No longer beautiful to you?” she asked.
“That might be the most perfect head I’ve ever seen…I don’t know why you would choose to cover it up with something inferior.”
She hesitated, caught off guard for a moment…
“Of course you don’t understand.” She then walked away putting the pants on over her tight clothes and motioning Thermia to follow her to some privacy. When she rounded some bushes, she brushed her own scalp, a sense of pride filled her. A memory of getting ready for a battle back home came. Fitting armor, sharpening weapons and applying war paint. She remembered the power it filled her with. She cringed.
“I think he likes you,” Thermia said softly as they tied their breasts down and changed into their new clothes.
Ekio rolled her eyes.
“You think?” she said sarcastically. “All men like women like us. What does it matter hmm? Not to mention, doesn’t this one lay with inanimate objects?”
They both giggled.
“I’m just shocked you don’t like him. He’s the best,” Thermia said. “He’s always in a good mood, and he always helps me out when I need him.”
“You take him then,” Ekio said, glaring at her. “You’re husband banished you, didn’t he? So, you are a free woman, right?”
“My Smokey banished us to save us from dying. He wouldn’t get rid of me unless he absolutely had to. Also, I already have the love of my life and I don’t need another, especially not my brother. That’s the dark stuff baby!” She fell over, trying to fit the oversized boot on.
Ekio pulled her up and hugged her. “I admire your devotion, Thermia. In my homeland, your love would be your spear and you would be the most formidable warrior the world had ever seen. We will stay close to each other inside this place; I won’t let any harm come to you.”
“And I make the same promise to you, Ekio.” She stared at Ekio with an uncommon sincerity, and Ekio knew she meant it. She wondered if she would feel the same if she knew the truth about her.
Cadivus’s eyes kept finding their way back toward the trees, back where the women had left.
“You need to stop doing that.” Hunter said while rearranging his pack.
“I’m sorry?” he replied.
“She’s your traveling companion, not some random woman to conquer. You can’t just keep throwing yourself at her like that. It’s not fair to her or the group.”
“I don’t know, man,” Sparklebutt said. “I like the will-they-won’t-they vibe.”
“They won't,” Hunter said.
“Well, let me give you some advice, Hunter.” Cadivus said. “A great thinker once said, you’re not the boss and mind your own fucking business.” He stuck his tongue out at him.
“If you keep coming onto her like that, she’s going to leave, and we need her to complete this mission. Put the group’s goals ahead of your pecker.”
“Oh, for the sake of fuck, my man! Oh, look at me, I’m a bounty hunter, and I talk like I live in the deserts of Boratir even though I’m in the woods! Everyone has to listen to me! Bounty hunters don’t even form groups! If there is anyone here who is the odd man out, it’s you!” Cadivus walked past Hunter, slamming into his shoulder as he passed him.
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
When he was out of sight, he rubbed his sore shoulder.
Not long after. The group met up one last time.
“I don’t think this is gonna work with these two dames,” Hunter said after staring the women down. “Maybe it’s best for you two to wait here.”
Sparklebutt reached into his pockets, and after a long awkward moment he pulled out some fake facial hair. A puzzled look took over Hunter’s face.
“Here.” He gave Thermia a red mustache and Ekio a blond beard. “Try these on. Fix em with a little sap on the back and stick em to your skin for a good minute. They won’t go anywhere.”
“You can’t be serious…” Ekio said. She held up the blond beard to her dark skin. “He isn’t serious is he?”
He grabbed it back and rubbed it into the dirt until the blond disappeared.
“There, is that more to your liking?”
She grabbed the beard and examined it once more. It did look more convincing now…She adorned it and looked to the crowd, standing as a man would, or how she normally did anyways.
“It’s…perfection,” he said with his eyes closed.
“The beard’s not a dealbreaker by the way,” Cadivus said.
Ekio threw dirt in his face.
“Okay, so tell us the plan now?” Hunter asked Sparklebutt.
Sparklebutt brushed the dirt with his foot and picked up a stick to draw with. He drew a square, creating a grid outline, and placed rocks at each corner.
He pointed at each position as he named it. “We’re here. The vault is there. Now, to enter this vault we need three codes. Each leader has access to a unique code.”
Excitement filled Cadivus’s body.
“There are three leaders: Sigma, Gamma and Omega. Sigma is a brute, Gamma is a shapeshifter, and Omega is a wizard.”
“Shapeshifter?” Hunter said. “Those are real?”
Sparklebutt smiled and nodded.
“Very real I’m afraid, and this one is a damn sneaky one.” He pointed at one of the rocks. “They all have a unique code memorized except for Sigma who will have it written down. He’s a brute, but he’s…how do I say this gently…retarded.”
Everyone’s eyes widened to comment.
“The other two…Well you’ll have to force them to tell you and kill them after.”
“Wait, wait,” Hunter said. “We aren’t killing anyone. I know we’re stealing here, and I’m already uneasy about that, but we aren’t going that far.”
“These men are dangerous.” Sparklebutt said. When Hunter stared at him blankly, he sighed and shook his head. “Well, fine. You’ll have to incapacitate them then. If they alert the guards, they will activate a fail-safe that changes the codes to the vault, and the mission is over.”
“We’ll do that then.”
“Wait a moment, what if they try to kill us?” Cadivus asked.
“Self-defense is a whole other thing.” Hunter said. “Though I’d advise not letting it get that far. If you cross that line I’m taking you in with Chronic.”
“I’m feeling pretty defensive…” Cadivus said.
Sparklebutt winked at him.
“So we can steal Sigma’s, send the most clever to Gamma, and I’ll deal with the wizard.”
“How do you plan this?” Ekio asked.
“Don’t worry about it for now. I have my methods.” He pointed at the women. “You two have enough to worry about getting Gamma’s code.”
The women smiled at each other.
“You two should steal Sigma’s code,” he told Cadivus and Hunter. “I would suggest not fighting him if at all possible. He’ll have it in his chambers, and I doubt it's hidden well.”
Hunter hung his head at the idea. Sparklebutt reached into his pocket and handed a key to Cadivus, who accepted it with a confused look.
“What’s this for?” he asked.
“Sigma’s chambers. Thought I’d make it easier for you,” Sparklebutt said.
“How did you get this?”
Sparklebutt just smiled.
“You should learn to not ask so many questions, my guy.” He winked. They all stood up and stared at each other. “So, that’s about it,” Sparklebutt said. “Everyone all set?”
They all nodded.
“Gotta say it. I’m impressed, kid,” Hunter said.
Sparklebutt’s smile widened.
Yet his suspicion grew. How was he unaware of such a prepared thief? He imagined the clever ones probably never made it to his sheets.
“Well, let’s give those disguises a test then, shall we?” he said. “The guards at the gate will be the most suspicious, if we get past them, we should be good to go.”
The group walked toward the entrance, which was surrounded by a beautifully engineered wall. It funneled everyone to a narrow archway so the guards could keep the bad eggs out. Luckily for the group, there was no one waiting to get inside. Thermia hung back and tried to mimic the walk Cadivus had taught her.
“Man, I’m so glad I divorced my bitch wife!” Cadivus said loudly as they approached. “That’ll teach her to fuck another man because I can’t satisfy her sexually!”
The three guards nodded in approval.
“What’s up men? It’s good to see strong men, guarding other men, instead of dumb women for a change.”
“Good day to you sirs,” one guard said. “What brings you to Pribbs? The most prosperous city in the land!” The guard waved them forward.
“We heard about this place a few towns over,” Hunter said. “Thought it was too good to be true. Decided to come take a look for ourselves. See what we may be able to offer Pribbs.”
The guard looked him up and down.
“Okay. I’ll let the lot of you in. But first, you must answer a riddle. You may take all the time you need. Some men stay out here for days, mind you…you only get one chance to get it right. Fail, and you will never be allowed entry.”
“Oh! I love riddles!” Cadivus said, clapping excitedly.
The guards unsheathed their swords and pointed them towards him.
“Forgive me, sirs!” He pulled down his pants to show them his cock. “All man here!” He even shook it back and forth for them so they could hear it slap his thighs.
Ekio slapped him on his back, and he put it away.
“Yes, riddles are…good,” the guard said. “So, here it is lads: your friend just told you his father used to beat him viciously. What do you do?”
The group huddled together. Both of the ladies murmured “hug him!” and Cadivus covered their mouths.
“Sit this one out ladies,” Cadivus said. “I’ve got this.” He turned toward the guards. “I’d tell him he probably had it coming. Then we’d get drunk and fight each other.”
“That is…” the guard's suspicious look turned to a wide smile–“Correct!”
The guards cheered and tapped a nearby keg that was somehow previously out of vision. They passed a pint around to each member of the group.
“Oh, okay,” Cadivus said. “It’s like seven in the morning, but okay!”
They drank some of their beer, except for Cadivus who chugged his.
“Goddamn that’s good! One for the road please!”
A guard struck him in the jaw.
“No! It’s mine! No take!” He then sobbed uncontrollably, his comrades dropped their pints and came over to comfort him.
“She can’t hurt you anymore, Reygar!” one of the other guards said, rubbing his back gently. “You’re the prize baby!”
Now very confused, Cadivus’s group chugged down their pints and entered the city. Except for Ekio, who dumped her full pint out during the commotion.
“Wait, Halt there!” One of the guards called after them.
The guards all picked up their weapons once more and walked toward them.
Reygar wiped the tears from his eyes. “As you were walking away from us, I noticed something amiss. One of you has the roundest ass that could only belong to a lady.”
“Ekio…” Cadivus whispered. “It seems your most perfect posterior has alluded to the fifty.”
She sighed and turned around.
“Not you sir!” the guard said. “Gods! We’re not racist!”
All the guards nodded in agreement.
“No, no, no. Turn around you good sir. Keep it fletched and all that!” Ekio turned back around, breathing heavily, trying to resist the urge to murder.
“Grab that one!” Thermia cursed herself out for doing all those squats recommended to her by ladies of the court. But when the guards approached they grabbed Sparklebutt, and dragged him off.
“What the shit!” he screamed. “Take a look at my cock and tell me I’m a woman!”
“Ew! We’re not gay!” one of the guards said. “We’ll take you to the dungeon until you can confess to your crimes!”
“Stop! I have a dick! I have a dick!”
“Typical woman. Won’t take accountability for her own actions.” The guard turned to the other guards. “Lock her away and toss the key!”
The guards dragged him off through the dirt while he protested.
“Sorry you gentlemen had to see that, it’s easy to be fooled, it’s happened to all of us after all! My first wife was a man, didn’t find out for seven years!”
The group stared at each other mouths agape.
“Guess you gotta fuck someone sober every now and then. I should have known clits didn’t get that big…Oh well! Enjoy your stay!”
“What is happening?” Cadivus asked Hunter.
“I don’t know,” Hunter said. “Let’s just get the hell away from this entrance and figure out our next move.”
“Wait,” Ekio said, readying her hand over her dagger. “Shouldn’t we stop them? Steal our friend back and leave this place?”
“He’ll be okay for now. They’ll realize they made a mistake and release him. In the meantime we should explore the city and learn as much as we can about it.” He looked around at the impressive city. The architecture was simple, but perfect. Every building was built from the same materials, and had the same colors, tan and dark tan. “Besides, we’re here to rob their armory. If need be we can release a prisoner as well.”
Cadivus flinched.
“Wait a pigeon-fucking minute now…I just realized how insane it is that we’re planning a robbery with a lawman. I never considered it before for some reason.” He placed his hand underneath his chin and stared at Hunter’s flat face. “What happens to lawmen who break the law Hunter? Furthermore, why would you take such a gigantic risk?”
“Shut up,” Hunter said while attempting to walk away.
Ekio grabbed his shoulder and turned him around.
“I cannot believe I’m saying this, but he is right. Why do you risk your own livelihood to find this man? Or is this some clever setup for the rest of us?”
He looked each of them in the eye and sighed.
“You’re right. A lawman shouldn’t do what I am doing. It goes against everything I stand for.” He rolled up his sleeves and revealed the scars along his wrist. “What I am about to tell you cannot leave this group.”
They all nodded, Cadivus had even found some peanuts and began snacking.
“A while back I was caught in a trap by this man. Thought I had him cornered and fell right into it. He didn’t kill me though. Just captured me, blindfolded me, gagged me, brought me….somewhere. I don’t know. He told me I was to use my sight on all his men, since he could be sure which ones he could trust. When I refused, he played his little tune…"
Cadivus moaned. “Oh my god…. Get to the fucking point already! This story is boring. You’d better be fighting or fucking someone soon.”
Ekio and Thermia slapped his chest, making him cough out a mouth full of peanuts.
“One by one,” Hunter continued, “his men lined up, and I was forced to see their pasts. It was worse than that though. The music…It doesn’t just force you to use your powers, it enhances them. I could feel the visions as well. I don’t know how long it took for my mind to break, but it did. For one fella, I seen the horrible things he’d done to his own flesh and blood, and I snapped. I managed to get one hand free, gutted him with his own dagger, and dug it so deep into my wrist I thought I damn near cut my hand off.”
“And then out of nowhere,” Cadivus interrupted, mimicking Hunter’s voice, “a gang of sexy bounty hunting paramours in tight leather armor broke in, murdered the ravagers, and saved my life with their magical pussy powers.”
Thermia’s face lit up and nodded toward Hunter.
“I passed out from bleeding,” Hunter said. “When I woke up, I was back in the Requiem. And then I got better, and was sent back out into the world.”
“Wait a minute,” Cadivus said. “You glossed over how you managed to end up in the capital?”
“Were you sold?” Ekio asked. “Rescued? Left for dead?”
“I don’t know,” Hunter admitted. “My boss wouldn’t tell me. She just said I was home now and that’s all that mattered. That I should shut up and be grateful.”
“Your boss is a woman?” Cadivus asked.
“Don’t even start with–”
“She must be a badass…” Cadivus said. Wondering who she was, and what she was wearing at this very moment. “What’s her name, your boss?”
“I think you would know by now. It’s the Inquisitor.”
Thermia and Cadivus shared a look of disbelief with each other.
Ekio looked puzzled.
“Who is this person?” she asked.
“The Inquisitor is perhaps the scariest person in the world,” Thermia said.
“Not only that. After today we’ll all be on her shit list for helping her own break a law,” Cadivus said.
They all stared at each other for a moment of silence.
“Does anyone else have to shit right now?” Cadivus asked.
“Yep!” They all said at once, heading deeper into town.