The remaining members of Cadivus’s group searched and asked around for Hunter, but when he didn’t turn up, they figured he must have left them for something more important. They went to the jail to ask for Sparklebutt’s body, but they were met with shrugs when they couldn’t procure one. A whole morning of failures was not a good way to continue a quest, but what choice did they have.
Without their guide, they traveled on the main road, heading east. Ekio and Thermia walked side by side, talking the whole time. Cadivus trailed behind them by himself, trying to come up with a scheme to fix his relationship with Ekio. Because what is love if not just really, really liking someone.
“So…heading east eh? How about that!” he said, trying to make conversation. But he was only met with a couple mean glances before they continued their own talk. “Oh, come the fuck on!”
They both finally stopped walking, turned around, and put their hands on their hips.
“I told you I’m in love with you! Now, all of a sudden, I’m the asshole here?” He put his hands up in defeat.
“If you really loved her, you would have given her your toe!” Thermia yelled. “You had your chance, big dog!”
Ekio nodded.
“Oh! Oh! Let me get this straight,” he said. “I’m supposed to hinder my ability to fight, before we have the most difficult battle of our lives, while our team shrinks smaller each passing day. All on the off chance she isn’t just playing some cruel joke on me to prove I’m a sycophant?”
Thermia held up a finger, and the women turned around and whispered. He awaited their verdict.
“Okay,” Thermia said. “Let’s say that maybe we are wrong. There is a break of trust here, and we have a quest we need to complete.”
Ekio whispered something to her before she spoke again.
“For the rest of this quest, you will not pursue her romantically, and you’ll keep your thoughts to yourself.”
“Can I give compliments?” he asked.
“Like what?”
“Like I don’t know…Nice ass?”
They grimaced.
“Nice ass-sasination!”
The women convened once more.
“Yes,” Thermia said. “Complimenting achievements is fine.”
“Splendid!”
They stuck out their hands to shake.
Cadivus walked up and shook both of their hands. “It’s a pleasure doing business with you ladies. And might I say you look—”
Ekio shot her hand out and shoved him far off into the woods. A loud cracking sounded in the distance.
“I’m okay!”
Cadivus rejoined his place in the rear, which was much less awesome now as Thermia gave Ekio a cloth to wear around her waist, covering her perfect butt. They walked for hours, and each moment he spent trying to think of a way to prove his love. Maybe he should try the power stealing thing. What harm could come from it? Of course, if the glasses were correct that would mean that Cadivus would have to be considerate…and that wouldn’t do. What good were powers if he couldn’t just use them on a whim.
The women soon halted, and Ekio walked off into the woods.
“She’ll be right back,” Thermia said“Nothing like a good shit when you’re on the road, eh?” he said.
“Ugh. Don’t overthink, chief. She’s just gotta pee.”
“Ahh, also good. That was my second guess.”
As they stood and waited, Thermia couldn’t help but rub his elbow.
“You okay, chief?”
“Yes, I’m fine. And what’s with this chief thing all of a sudden?”
“Get used to it, chief. I heard a guy using it in the tavern last night and I like it! You almost had her, chief. And then you had to muck it all up!”
“Please. You know I’m not good at these things. I just…” he grabbed Thermia’s arms and started hopping up and down “I really really really really like her! I don’t know what to do! I just keep trying to say anything and it all comes out wrong. Help me!”
She slapped him across the face.
“Get a hold of yourself, chief! Damn!” She adjusted her blouse and shook her head.”Ugh. This sucks! I love you both, and I’m torn! Torn, I tell you!” She grabbed his shirt and shook him. She then stood still. “Okay. Here’s the plan. Stop acting like a douchebag, be nice, and no more body compliments. We’ll get this Chronic guy, drag him back to my Smokey, and declare our innocence. Then I’ll suggest…” She smiled wide while raising her eyebrows. “A double date! Oh, it is perfect!”
“A double date? That’s…your plan?”
“Trust me. No woman can resist a double date, because we have to ‘win’ the double date…” Her face grew serious. “And I’ll show no mercy on that battlefield.”
“Right…Well, I have to admit my instincts are usually wrong, so maybe, trusting you is the right move here…” He put his hand on his chin for a moment, before slapping the air. “Okay, I’ll agree to your terms!”
They bumped elbows and slapped the back of their hands together.
A woman screamed from somewhere in the woods.
Cadivus ran toward the noise, collided with a body flying through the air, and hit the ground. A man with long green hair and a brown robe lay on top of him. He pushed him off and rubbed his sore nose.
Ekio stormed out of the woods, dagger in hand, with a look of murder in her eyes.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
“Watch me piss, you piece of shit!” I—”
Thermia ran in front of her. “Calm down! Maybe he can expla—”
“I am calm! I just…need to stab him a little…”
Thermia held out her arms to stop her, but she continued forward. The green-haired man hid behind Cadivus as they stood.
“Oh, hell no…” Cadivus said, pushing him towards her.
She grabbed the man, her eyes wide with rage. Her dagger came down for him.
“Please! Please! I didn’t mean it. I—”
She halted herself at the last moment and let Thermia disarm her. Instead she kneed his balls, causing him to fall over.
“Usually, I’m the guy on the ground,” Cadivus said. “It’s way funnier from this angle.”
“Ugh!” The man cried out in pain “I’m sorry! I heard a strange noise, and I thought you were a friend of mine!”
A group of animals, including: deer, rabbits, birds and rodents, scampered out of the woods and sniffed and butted their noses against the green-haired man. They soon stood between him and Ekio in defensive stances.
“Calm down, friends. It’s okay. I made a mistake, and I paid the price for it!”
The animals retreated to him and he stood, leaning against a nearby tree and gently rubbing his affected area. “Dear gods, you’re a strong one, ain’t you?”
“You are still breathing, are you not?” Ekio said. “Consider yourself a lucky one.”
“What are you even doing, running around in the woods?” Thermia asked.
“Excuse me, madam, but I happen to live out here. You’re the ones using my home as a toilet, and you have the audacity to attack me? Unbelievable this lot.”
“Who are you exactly?” Cadivus asked.
The man held up one finger and took several deep breaths, regaining his composure. Finally, he stood straight and patted his pet deer on the head.
“My name is Bobo Daffodil. I am the vagrant who watches over these forests.” He bowed politely.
“Do these trees need babysitting?”
“Oh, you unenlightened man! Allow me to explain, through song!”
All their eyes rolled into the back of their heads.
Hey hi hoo, Hey hi hoo
What’s that there? Oh, it’s me
I’m watching over animals and all the trees
There’s evil men, no not me!
They’ll kill everything that their eyes can see
This spruce right here, it’s so beautiful
I love to touch it with my genitals
What’s that you ask? Yes, I can shapeshift
Into anything I can pull from my main list
If I see evil, I stomp it out
Then put my friends’ privates in my mouth
Will they climax? I have no doubt
I reach around and then turn them out
“STOP! What the hell, man?!” Thermia shouted.
The man looked puzzled.
“Hold on. There’s fifteen more verses. Then it starts getting really good!”
“I think we get the picture. You’re in the woods, sucking off rabbits” Cadivus said. He looked at his comrades. “On that note, let’s get the hell out here. What do you say?”
They walked away.
“Now, just wait a berry-picking minute here!” Bobo called. “I thought I would make it up to you guys by bringing you to my home and we can have a meal together and maybe impart some obscure knowledge.”
“Well if I need any advice on how to jerk off a bear, I know where to find you.”
Offended, Bobo transformed himself into a large buck. His massive antlers reached towards the trees above, and he snorted and raked his hoof over the dirt.
“Allow me to accompany you then! I have skills, after all. Also, I might have information that you would find useful.”
The group stopped and looked back for a moment. Cadivus and Thermia glanced at Ekio.
“Oh, that’s right. You’re looking for the guy with the funny smelling smoke, aren’t you?”
He stood tall and proud before transforming back into a human.
“How could you possibly know that?” Cadivus asked.
He shrugged and rubbed against his animals.
“Animals see everything, and they like to tell me stories. Gossip can travel fast in the animal world, can’t it snookums.” He rubbed a deer’s cheeks with his own, kissed its lips with tenderness, and licked its forehead, causing the group to gag.
“Tell us what you know then.” Ekio said.
Bobo walked around and made a motion like he was adjusting a scarf he wasn’t wearing.
“I could do that, but…I want something in return.” He placed a finger on his lips.
“Oh gods,” Thermia said. “It’s gonna be something weird.”
“What do you want?” Cadivus said, sounding defeated.
Bobo traced his lips with his finger.
“All right. I want this honey pot to do something for me.” He pointed at Cadivus.
Cadivus sighed and motioned him to continue.
“I want you to face that way, unbutton your top a tad, turn to me with your feet facing forward, and say: Bobo, I’m proud of you and would never try to smother you with a pillow ever again.”
The groups’ eyes went wide.
But Cadivus still turned around, unbuttoned his top a tad, and turned back to Bobo. “Bobo, I’m proud of you and would never try to kill you with a pillow.”
“Say it right!” Bobo screamed in a growling voice, spit dripping from his mouth.
The woods seemed to grow dark with his mood before brightening once more when he smiled once again.
“Bobo, I’m proud of you and would never try to smother you with a pillow ever again.”
Bobo stared at him for a moment and then closed his eyes. He appeared to be breathing in the scene. His chin quivered. He then opened his eyes and cried, and ran to Cadivus.
“I’m sorry too, Dad!” Bobo said, crying and hugging him. “I love you so much, Papa! I’ll be a good boy, Papa!” He sobbed deep until the tears and snot ran out of him. When he finished and let go, another deer came over and licked the snot off his face while he wiped his tears.
“All right. Out with it then,” Ekio said.
Bobo gathered himself.
“Yes, I did see the man you’re after. Heading east. He had some rather exceptional talent with him. If you walk into his camp in this state, well, you’ll all die.”
The group looked at each other with uncertainty.
“And I have a vested interest in a positive outcome for your lot.”
“And why is that?” Cadivus asked.
“This farm grows larger every month, and it’s pushing into my territory that I protect,” he said “If they are left alone, there is no telling how much carnage they’ll cause for my friends and lovers here.”
“So, how are you gonna help us then?”
As Cadivus asked the question, the whole world appeared to halt. The wind stopped, and the trees stopped moving. An ominous voice groaned from the heavens.
“What the—” As he turned around in place both Ekio and Thermia came into view, standing next to him.
“I don’t like these wizards,” Ekio said.
Thermia nodded.
“Any idea what’s happening here?” he asked. “My ass is starting to get itchy.”
The wizard appeared behind them with the rest of his animals. The look on his face had grown serious.
“I will be accompanying you whether you will it or not. The matters at stake don’t only concern you.”
Cadivus looked at his group, and they sighed. “All right, Bobo, but…we need some ground rules here.”
The forest changed back to its original state.
“Anything!” Bobo said. “You name it, and Bobo will make it reality.”
“No weird animal sex stuff while we’re traveling,” he said as he and the women folded their arms and stared the wizard down.
Bobo closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, moving his head back and forth. His face switched between grimacing and smiling as he muttered under his breath. Finally, he opened his eyes wide with a smile.
“Okay! I can see how my enlightenment with nature could make lesser souls uncomfortable, and it is unfair for me to show off the love I garner in this world. So with that said, I will alleviate your jealousy. Provided you’ll allow me a few moments to get ready behind those bushes over there where my travel gear is stored.”
Cadivus said nothing, only motioning with his hand for him to hurry.
“This one is doing something gross in the bushes. I know it…” Ekio said.
“I think I’m gonna throw up,” Thermia said.
“As much as I would like us all to high-tail it out of here right now, we might actually need him for the showdown,” Cadivus said, rubbing his chin. “Seeing as how we’re down two traveling companions now.”
They waited for an uncomfortable amount of time before Bobo popped back out of the bushes without his entourage of animal friends and a backpack strapped to him.
“All right. Let’s go stop some evil then, shall we?” Bobo said as he walked down the path, whistling his merry introduction tune.
The group sighed, and followed along.