By the time dinner finished and the dancing began, she wasn’t shocked anymore.

Just furious.

Tingting wouldn’t meet her eyes. Not once did Tingting acknowledge her. Didn’t she deserve that, at least?

Apparently not.

She couldn’t be bothered to dance. Could hardly stand up straight as it was. The room was steaming hot, filled with other people’s breaths, other peoples’ insufferable happiness, and it was driving her mad. She excused herself and shoved her way out onto a balcony.

The banquet’s hum was to her back now, and the calm quiet of the night stretched before her into the horizon. A splash of stars dotted the sky above, twinkling in perfect stillness. She could trace the line of the White River, a streak of dark blue carving its way through lush fields and rolling hills, up into the Dragon’s Spires, a spine of earth which ran all the way up the North.

A cleared throat behind her. “Lovely evening, isn’t it?”

She didn’t recognize him at first. Soft-featured yet handsome, his cheeks ruddy from wine. Then she took in his fluffy hair, his innocent smile.

“Are you Kai Shen?”

“Uh,” he said, blushing. For a moment he stared at her. Then he visibly gathered his wits. “Yeah—that’s me.” He threw back his hair in a way he no doubt thought was charming, but it came off quite goofy-looking. It made her smile, despite it all.

“Wow. You’ve grown up.” And he had. He was so much bigger—he stood a head taller than her. His frame had filled out too, all lean muscle.

“So have you,” he said, sidling up to her. No matter how he draped himself over the railing, he still looked awkward and a little gangly. “But you’re just as beautiful as always—no, more.”

Ruyi took one look at him and burst out laughing.

“What?” he said, reddening further.

“You looked so serious. ‘Just as beautiful as always—’no, more’” she said, mockingly deep.

“I meant it,” said Kai, aggrieved.

“You’re adorable.”

“I—I am?”

Ruyi sighed. The wine must really be getting to her.

“How are you?” asked Kai timidly.

“I’m doing just fine! Other than my girlfriend leaving me to be betrothed to Chen fucking Qin,” said Ruyi, giggling. “It is a lovely night, isn’t it?”

“Oh,” said Kai. For the first time he seemed to realize what he’d stepped into. “Oh.”

For a few breaths, they stared out into that vastness. Ruyi felt oddly at peace. Kai bumped his hands together, furiously trying to come up with something to say, yet coming up short. He kind of reminded her of Tingting.

“So…” said Kai, swallowing. “Would you… like to go for a walk, my lady? To soothe the mind?”

Ruyi could picture it now. Him plucking up the courage to ask her inane questions while she was too wounded to answer him straight. A long awkward walk to nowhere. She sighed.

“I have a better idea.”

“What is it? Anything.”

“You have a crush on me, right?”

Kai made a gagging sound. “E-excuse me, my lady?”

“Yes, or no?” sighed Ruyi. “It’s not a hard question.”

“…” Kai looked away, but she could see the redness in his ears. “Is it that obvious?”

“Yes,” she said bluntly. “Don’t worry. You’re the latest in a long line. Anyways, want to snog me senseless?”

“What?!”

“Kiss. Make out. Lucky for you a vacancy has opened up, and I mean to fill it. Who knows? If you do well you may earn a second opportunity.”

He was innocent like Tingting—even kind of looked like her, if she really squinted. The wine helped a lot.

“I don’t know…” Kai stepped back, blinking at the ground. “Miss—you don’t seem in your right mind... I wouldn’t really feel comfortable— ”

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“Oh,” said Ruyi, disgusted. “What a fucking gentleman.”

“But if there’s anything else I can do, I would be more than happy—”

“Take me, big boy. Right here, right now, over by the bushes, ‘till I forget her name.”

“Miss!” said Kai, scandalized.

“Kidding, kidding.” Ruyi shook her head, cursed. “I’m being an ass. I’m sorry—you don’t deserve this. I’m… not okay. Maybe it’s best if you leave me alone right now.”

“Alright,” said Kai. He turned to leave in a daze, steaming red—evidently he hadn’t gotten over that ‘take me in the bushes’ comment—then he froze. He seemed to have a sudden thought. “I know it’s no consolation, but… I admire how well you’re taking it.”

“You think I’m taking it well?” Ruyi let out a peal of laughter.

“Um… I mean I know I wouldn’t be able to joke around in your position…”

“It’s either joke or cry,” snorted Ruyi. “And I can’t cry. Not here, in public. What would all my admirers think?”

This seemed to stump Kai, bless his big bumbling heart. He wandered off, leaving Ruyi to sigh steamy breaths in the cool night air.

Heavens, did she want to cry.

Some indeterminate amount of time later, she received her second visitor of the night.

“Ruyi?”

She was ashamed to admit how fast she whirled around. “Tingting! I—I mean. Your highness. What a rare pleasure.”

The princess winced. “It wasn’t my choice. I tried—Father just—he wouldn’t listen—”

“I’m sure.”

“I’m sorry,” whispered Tingting. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”

Then Tingting started shaking, and Ruyi just melted.

She stepped up and wrapped her in a hug and Tingting sobbed into her chest. It was like that day they visited the Royal Library. And not like that day at all.

“It’s alright,” sniffled Ruyi, stroking her hair. “It’s not your fault.”

For all her virtues, the princess was not a fighter.

She found herself crying a little too, despite herself—those tears that make you feel better after you’ve cried them. Healing tears.

Ruyi wished they could stay there, like this, forever.

Then Chen fucking Qin poked his head through the balcony doors. Ruyi flinched. “Tingting?” Her name sounded so ugly, so wrong, on his lips. “Is everything alright?”

The princess let out a sharp gasp as she broke apart. She looked at the floor, all guilty. Why should she be?

Chen stepped onto the balcony, between them, uninvited. “Is Lady Yang disturbing you?”

“Back off,” snarled Ruyi. He didn’t even look at her.

“Back. Off!” she said again.

“Your father’s wondering where you are,” said Chen to Tingting, like she hadn’t said a thing. “We should go.”

Couldn’t he see Tingting didn’t want him here? The closer he got, the more she squirmed.

“I said back off!” Ruyi shoved him. The next moment she found herself sprawled on the ground. Chen spared her a glance, then a pitying sigh. Without so much as a word he turned away.

“We should go,” said Chen again, more firmly, resting his arm around Tingting’s shoulder. Steering her away.

“Wait,” said Tingting. She whispered something in his ear. He rolled his eyes, but faded out of view; “You have three breaths!” he called.

Tingting held out a hand to help her up, but Ruyi ignored it. She stood on her own, burning with humiliation.

“I don’t think we should see each other again,” said Tingling, eyes fixed on her slippers.

It felt like she’d slid a cold knife between Ruyi’s ribs.

“At least look at me when you say it.”

When their eyes met, she realized Tingting was crying. “It just isn’t meant to be,” she choked out. “Please… never speak to me again.”

She fled, leaving Ruyi staring open-mouthed at the door.

“There’s a good look on you,” said Chen, smirking. It was the first time he’d addressed her all night. “You know, it needn’t end this way.” His eyes raked her up and down. “If you’d like, you could be our concubine. I, for one, wouldn’t mind—”

“Go fuck yourself.”

He shrugged. “Shame.”

She had never wished to strangle someone as badly as she did then.

***

She was silent the whole carriage ride back. Jin asked if she needed a hand getting out, but she brushed him off. She had drunk, but she wasn’t drunk. She was more coldly sober than she had ever been.

She knew exactly what she needed.

Down in the lab she went. She picked up the vials one by one and downed them one by one. The painkiller went last. It felt easy, natural, like drinking water.

For the first half hour, nothing happened. She thought it didn’t work.

Then the first spell of pain struck. It felt like she’d been whipped across the back. She let out a grunt, staggering.

The second spell drove her to her knees. Hadn’t she taken the painkiller? The vial was empty.

Then the fire started in earnest.

It felt like thousands of furious ants had been let out inside her, sinking their teeth into her insides, torching her with acids. Sobbing, she stripped off her robes, soaked them in alcohol with shaky hands, and gave them to her teeth. Then she could scream in earnest.

It helped, a little.

Her mouth was filled with blood. Her eyes were leaking tears. The world was a dull haze. It hurt so bad—she hadn’t thought her body could hold so much pain. Yet each time she thought it’d hit a peak the fire burned hotter. She wished, desperately, that it would end. She didn’t care how. She was glad she didn’t have control of her limbs then; she would have done anything.

***

She didn’t remember when it overwhelmed her. She only remembered waking.

She was burning up.

It felt like she was lying on a pan in some giant oven. And these things on her, strips of silk like foil plates, trapping in the heat—she tore them off in a rage. She was so itchy! And this heat—she couldn’t think—screaming, she lashed out.

At her touch, the world changed.

A color of alchemy was inside her.

This pleasing bright blue. She let it stream out of her fingers and brighten the ground, claiming it for her own. A pleasant coolness on her feet. Laughing, she spun about, touching all she could, painting fresh blue blossoms on the floors, all over the walls, until the whole room was cast in lovely blue and she could think again.

Her lab was cased in ice. The mounds of tomes on the floor, frozen still, the cauldrons studded with ice crystals. An inch of ice had terraformed the landscape, cloaking all in a twinkling sheen. Even her fridges were frozen. A lovely irony.

“Hell,” she whispered.

Her memories trickled back to her. The vials, the pain—she blinked.

“It worked?”

The first thing she did was check herself, which was quite easy since she’d just shredded all her clothes. No new protrusions on her legs, nor her arms. Her back might’ve been a little bonier? Maybe she was just paranoid.

Then there was her left arm.

It was totally demonic black. The utter blackness of a night sky with no moon, down to the hand, which sported claw-like fingers.

She started to laugh. Hysterically, ecstatically.

“It worked!”