Tuya and Yaha took respite near the first crevice into the winding trail leading through the dark to their sanctuary, sliding until they sat on the stone, backs against the moist cavern wall. Yaha stared into the void with vacant eyes, an aura of defeat pulsing from her.
Questions could wait. For now. “I am glad you are home.”
Yaha was long in her response. “This is no home. This is hell. A dark place suited for dark deeds, dark hearts, and dark minds. My home was the Sixty-Four.”
Tuya could not argue with that. She kissed Yaha’s bruised forehead, infusing the touch with Celegana’s strength. “I promise we will leave soon. We will be free of it.” One way or the other, Tuya thought.
Yaha’s curiosity spiked. “You did speak with Gurgaldai?”
“Yes. There will be no staying here.”
Yaha exhaled, relief flowing from her, releasing a tension long held and long feared. “Then we prepare to go, as soon as we can.” Yaha groaned, trying to stand on her own, slumping back to the ground. “I wish it was today.”
“We will go soon. Darrakh will be coming with us.”
Yaha’s low emotions bursted into the hot fury of one full of hatred. “That monster showed himself today, Tuya. You must let go of that foolish thought. He is as bad as the rest of them, if Gurgaldai even leaves anything of him. Divinedamned power hungry raper.” Tuya laughed. “This is no funny thing, Tuya! You are too smart to be taken in by his acting, and his stupid hair.” Tuya laughed louder. “He looks like you but he is not anything like us.”
Tuya tapped Yaha’s shoulder and the woman flinched from her touch. Sorrow tinged her delight to know more than Yaha about a thing, and what a thing to know. “You could not be more wrong! Darrakh saved your life, Yaha. He knew I needed time to get to you so he stalled. He knew I was not going to fight us out of there alive, so he reminded me of the one way out we had. He knew that Gurgaldai could tell them I was lying, so he faked communing with him.”
Yaha’s dumbfounded expression, that gaping mouth of disbelief, brought Tuya blessed moments of joy in an otherwise miserable morning. Perhaps she would finally see and accept that she was wrong about Darrakh. “I spent most of the night with him and he is everything I hoped for. He wants to go to Isihla with me and see the land of our mothers. Darrakh would never hurt me.”
Yaha shook her head, groaning in the pain of moving. “He has tricked his way into your trust. This boy will be the ruin of us, Tuya.”
Always, Yaha had to be right, and Tuya had to be the stupid child in need of a teacher. Always!
Tuya slid away from Yaha, managing not to slap her already ruined face. Little good that restraint, as she hit her harder with the sting of her tongue. “You always need to be the only one who has my back, don’t you? You cannot imagine sharing that role with someone else? Let alone somebody who did not abandon me last night, leaving me to cry myself to sleep and feel like a failure, somebody who was not stupid and got caught! Somebody who did not have me worrying whether they were dead!”
Yaha shifted, painfully adjusting until her back was to Tuya. “Not everything is about you, Tuya. You let a tamer shove his cock in you and all of a sudden you think you are the center of it all! Miss Chosen, miss special, miss does-whatever-she-wants!”
“Nobody is putting their breeder in me! Nobody! Not Darrakh! Not Gurgaldai! Not Tokhun! Nobody! If it weren’t for me and Darrakh we could not say the same for you!”
Yaha let out a gasping sob, pushed herself to her feet by the sheer force of her anger, and staggered into the crevice. Tuya folded her arms, staying rooted, refusing to give her a light source. Let the stubborn woman stumble naked and broken into the chasm! Let her see who needed who more!
Angry thoughts stormed in her mind, seeking for ways to hurt Yaha. Perhaps Tuya should let Yaha see how far she could get without her bringing her herbs to ease and treat her wounds, without her lighting the dark place for her, without her to talk to! Perhaps she should let Darrakh put his breeder in her! Perhaps she should blame Yaha for the Mahagan women in the Spire!
The anger, as if oft did, ran out of trails, leaving Tuya with an aftermath of remorse. After all Yaha taught her, she would leave her to suffer? She would give her own body to a man just to spite her? She would mock the suffering of her people? People who had tried to free Tuya from this place, who lost their loved ones, their lives, who lived in misery?
Tuya did not like herself very much sometimes. No, she did not like herself much at all right now. But neither did she like how Yaha refused to believe that Darrakh could love her. There seemed no way to be free of these twisted feelings. What good was all her power, the gifts of two goddesses, if she could not find a way to feel free of the ever-looming specter of self-hatred?
Tuya breathed, like Zaya taught her, slowly in, even slower out. Doing this always made her remember that rainy day where she shared a smile and made a promise to the woman who gave her hope and the purpose that kept her going on the worst days. “I promise,” Tuya whispered into the dark. “I will help others fly away, free them from being tamed.”
Tuya closed her eyes and reached out with her consciousness. Thousands voices begged for help, and today, Tuya would help, would use her gifts to stay true to her promises. She could not save them all, but if she could save a couple of them, grant freedom where she could, that would make the world’s pain even just a little smaller. Tamers held to beasts and birds, much like they did to that first giant bird so many years ago. She hoped he lived a good life, enjoying his freedom in the place with the great flower tree across the sea. She hoped he was not alone, questioning his worth, but with those who he loved, savoring the breath of life that she helped him live.
The sun rose and fell in the sky above while she lurked in the darkness, breaking binds wherever she found them. Losing count, losing herself in the act of delivering freedom, searching for some validation that she was not worthless, not just a hateful creature, trying to silence the remorse. The tamers tried to stop her, tried to cling to their domination, threatened her, some even knew of her, naming her Gurgaldai’s Chosen. She challenged them to demonstrate their strength, to prove they were the mightier, and she severed their links. While some challenged her, brought drops of blood to her nose, she triumphed over and over again, going forth with renewed vigor, taking strength from each victory. Whether it was dozens or hundreds, she went forth, breaking the links that bound those who could not fight for themselves. Every last one severed, whether it took a few heartbeats or a hundred.
Tuya basked in the gratitude of the beasts and birds she freed, even though few of them had minds as profound as the giant bird of that day of yore. Simpler their thoughts, more primitive their feelings, but it did not matter. The weakest deserved freedom just as the wisest and mightiest did. Freedom was not just for men like Gurg. From the smallest bug in the Hollows to the biggest dragon in the twin isles of fire and ice, every creature had a right to be free, to live their own life. None deserved the captivity that she lived through. Freedom was the right of all, and Tuya decided that enough was enough. She proved to herself that she was the mightiest and would challenge the only one who could equal her, pushing the boundaries this once instead of appeasing and biding her time. Tuya would make pain smaller for those she loved, for those who tried to save her on the worst day of their lives.
Tuya brought herself back to hell and home. She reached her mind higher, higher, cresting Celegana’s Spire and sought the souls in pain in this place where those with power dominated those without. She found one soul, a mind full of shame, a body ruled by pain, and pressed against her mind. Within, she felt a familiarity, a bond once shared. A beach on distant shores, a place meant to be their greatest achievement turned into their worst nightmare. Blood on a spear, screams that did not escape her mouth.
Tuya touched the Mahagan woman’s mind. I would make your pain smaller. I will help you be free.
I remember you, the woman thought. You are the Celegan girl from the beach. The one who brought me back to myself after I…
Tuya knew self-loathing like this. Sarnai’s blood on her hands, just as Rahan’s splattered on this woman’s face, her spear coated in the life of the person who loved her most.
I am here to help you be yourself again. I am here to free you, friend.
Nobody can free me now, even if I deserved freedom.
All those enslaved by the tamers deserve freedom.
Not me. Leave me be.
The woman’s mind retreated from her. Tuya needed to help her, her stomach turned, imagining the life this woman led, after being forced to kill her own beloved, losing her friends, losing her dreams, and spending the past few seasons in brutal captivity, enduring the mental, physical, sexual torment of the mightiest tamers in the Hollows.
Gurgaldai was right about one thing. Harmony was a child’s dream of days long gone. She could never have worked with the tamers, even if Gurg had been malleable. The tamer culture needed to be eradicated, not reformed. Any who condoned or participated in this and did not see how evil it was, deserved the same end as Semug. There would be no mercy for people who did everything they did to this woman and convinced her that she deserved it all. In the end, Tuya’s spear would end Gurg’s wretched existence.
Tuya pushed harder on the Mahagan’s mind. Let me see your pain and I will judge whether you deserve this life or not. If you do, I will leave you be. If you do not, I will be here, pushing my thoughts onto you, telling you over and over that you deserve better. The woman kept herself closed off and gave rebirth to Tuya’s aggravation. Are all Mahagan women as stubborn as Yaha?
How do you know the captain was stubborn?
Is stubborn. Yaha lives with me in the Hollows. She is worried about you and the others.
There are no others. The sorrow that flowed from the former sailor twisted Tuya’s chest, made it hard to breathe. Seven of us were brought up here. Several moments passed where the woman tried not to think, yet images of faces passed through the link, faces she could not forget, nor the damage done to them before their ends were met. I am the last one.
Not only suffering, not only convinced she deserved it, but also alone, with none to love her, carrying that guilt of watching your loved ones die while you lived, carrying the pain of having been the one to kill your most beloved, knowing there was nothing you could do to change it, even if you felt you deserved anything other. Tuya knew this woman’s pain in the echoes of her own. The story was always the same in the Hollows, with only the names and faces changing. This needed to end. Tuya shared with her the memories of her life. Being a little girl beaten and brainwashed into thinking everything wrong was her fault. Watching Zaya get dragged away, unable to stop it. Killing Sarnai, the bloody log in her hands, her best friend’s face mashed beyond recognition at her feet. Failing to help little Khula as Jhorgal snapped her spine. Doing everything she could on the beach, but able to save only one woman from Chimaera.
I know your pain, Tuya transmitted. I would share it with you, so you don’t have to be alone anymore.
It is worse than that, the woman thought. I killed my beloved, but I kill him again every day.
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You never killed Rahan. It was the tamer who seized your mind and body that did that.
No, I lacked the strength to stop the tamer. My spear, my hands, and, I wish that was the worst part.
What is the worst part?
Reluctantly, the woman let Tuya in. What she found was a shame more profound than any Tuya ever felt. In her own body, she shook and felt disgusting, like a billion bugs were swarming her, crawling into her skin, eating away at her. She felt irredeemably vile, rotten to the core, anathema, abomination, a heathen deserving of every blow. Never had a more disgusting creature existed than her and nothing could ever make her feel clean again. Certainly not the words of a little girl that never betrayed her lover like she had.
Tuya knew what it was to feel wrong. Alas, even in her worst, Tuya never approached this level of self-degradation. She looked for the source of such crushing shame, finding it even though the woman refused to project the thoughts.
This woman killed Rahan, then she broke her vows, her sacred oath, by making love with another man. Most damning of all, the man who touched her, made her feel things she never had with Rahan, and when she looked at him, she could not help but be awed by his masculinity, his might, his majesty. When he was inside of her, Rahan seemed a small hill, barely a bump on the ground, an anthill where low things burrowed. The heights of her pleasure with him eclipsed what came before, tantamount to Celegana’s Spire beside that low anthill. The man seeped into her mind, told her that this was the proof that he was superior, that she never loved the pathetic heathen before him, that she belonged as a slave to him and his breeder, that he was the true conqueror, that he would give her a purpose worthy of her life, give her a child who would grow into a mighty man who fought to make the world one. As her body responded to Gurgaldai’s lust, her mind warped by his words, she convinced herself that what he said was irrefutable. She never loved Rahan. She deserved to be enslaved. Gurgaldai ezen Celegan was the one to claim the world, but especially this lowly woman from Jarahe, especially Renisha.
Tuya did not hide her truth, she could not hold back the flow of her disgust, not at Renisha, but the one responsible for her shame. Gurgaldai was a monster, no matter how beautiful, no matter whether he could make a woman feel things she did not with other men. He used every thing he could to control, to manipulate, to violate, to make the world an uglier place. She could not let this man win the war, and she was not going to let him win this battle.
You are coming with me, Tuya projected. I will help you jump from the top and guide you to me and Yaha. You will be yourself again, Renisha.
Renisha’s doubts burned through the link. This is the fate I deserve.
It is not! He is controlling you, making you believe lies. It was not you who killed Rahan, but the tamer who stole your mind and body.
Renisha resisted. Her hand held the spear. Her body responded to the Great Ezen’s manhood. If she truly did not want those things, she would have been strong enough to stop the tamer, her body would not do what it did with Gurgaldai.
All lies he has made you believe. You cannot stop a mighty tamer from stealing your mind and body, your body cannot control how it responds to touch, especially with him in your mind influencing how you feel, tricking you into thinking you are wrong. There is no love in Gurgaldai, only the will to dominate and make things smaller, less of themselves. This is not you, Renisha. This is him. You loved Rahan and I will prove it.
Tuya streamed through Renisha’s memories, seeking the love buried within them beneath all the lies and pain. She melded her powers, wilder and lightseer, seeking truth within the warped consciousness. Through layers of self-hatred and shame, she dug down, parting the pain until they emerged from hidden layers of psyche.
She was a little girl on a beach touched by jungle, watching a boy slide down a muddy hill and drop into the pure waters below, calling her name as he plummeted, telling herself that boy was the one she loved, even if she would make him work to impress her.
Renisha cried out in their link, Please. I cannot do this.
You must see the truth, Tuya thought, giving her strength, casting her consciousness in true light, enveloping Renisha in hope and love. You must remember to be free. You can do this, Renisha.
Drums beat in the night, stars shining down on the whole village dancing in their little serena with all the glowing lanterns hanging from the palm trees. It was a wonderful night for the girl on the precipice of her womanhood. Her friends conspiring with her, telling her she should be the one to make the first advance and quit playing stupid games. The beautiful boy, soaked in sweat, his bald head glistening in the moonlight, laughing with his friends as he stole glances at her. Her heart beating fast, her breath catching as she walked over to him, and reached out her hand. His smile and the rush of love when he took it. Their friends laughed and heckled them but their words were lost in the moment. Fluid movement and air rushing into her lungs, not caring if anything was clumsy, only seeing him, only feeling him and what she felt for him. Only him. The drumbeat steadied and his lips touched her cheek. Her arms around his back, her lips on his cheek. They laughed with each other, joking about the dance, but she knew then, even more than before. He was the one she loved. There would never be another. Only Rahan.
Renisha cried high at the Spire’s apex. It was the best night of my life until then. We tried to laugh it off, tried to hide what we felt all along. I miss him. I miss him so much.
Because you love him, Tuya thought to her, crying in the dark of her cave. This is real love, not the illusions he uses to trick your mind, not the reflexes of your body that he manipulates to make you feel wrong.
Stepping onto the wooden planks, feeling forlorn and empty. Life seemed to be going the wrong way, but there was nothing she could do to stop it, like a wave crashing in from the sea there was nothing she could do but let it hit her. She looked behind her, hoping to see him one more time, while also dreading saying goodbye. He did not come. Her mother, her little brothers, waving from the shore as she stepped onto Pearl of Jarahe. She did this for them, to bring home pride and gold, to keep them fed. She tried not to resent her life drifting away from her heart. Yet, he did not arrive, not on the shore. Trying not to cry, she walked aboard, greeted Captain Jabuloni and thanked him for the opportunity.
“Thank you for the opportunity,” mocked a voice from behind her. Rahan standing there, hands on his hips, letting her know that she was the most junior member of the crew and not him since he got there first. The captain, the entire crew, laughing as she cried and punched Rahan in his shaved chest. The laughs turning to hoots when Rahan kissed her for the first time.
I was so mad at him, Renisha thought, pulsing with love. Yet, he gave up so much to join Pearl of Jarahe. He chose me over everything else that was laid out for him. I never loved him more. It was not long after that when…
The white shore of Caleel met the Endless Blue. Feet dangling off a pier, watching out to sea, full of dread that this would be the worst moment of her life. What if he drowned? What if all her hopes and dreams were reduced to dust, to tears falling into the Endless Blue? What if? What if? What if? The waiting seemed to last forever, like watching an empagong sleeping, and she cared too much to look away from the Endless Blue. Yet, Rahan was Rahan. A wet hand tapped on her shoulder after watching the sun rise and go beyond the zenith. She twisted her neck, ready to snap at whoever thought to bother her, having already sent away food and drink many times. He stood there, looking the same as he always had, holding the shiny white pearl in his hand, grinning like he just won life. She tackled him, taking him down to the ground, making him sweat as her mouth pressed on his and he fumbled to keep hold of the pearl.
Pain retreated and happiness filled in the space it left behind. Tuya thought of love, hoping the man who could dive for her pearl was already in her life. Renisha saw clear again, remembered what love was. It was not anything she experienced in the Spire. She did not love Gurgaldai ezen Celegan. There was one man and one man only who dove for her pearl and only one man she ever committed herself to.
A great climb to the peaks. Her muscles tensed with each leap, each handhold on the stones, each breath strained to find enough air to fill her lungs. Rahan climbed beside her, his naked, Dalis-enhanced body making the movements easy, like that little boy all those years ago climbing to the top of the muddy hill to call her name as he slid down into the Endless Blue. His words of encouragement kept her going, her promise to love him forever burning in her soul hotter than the burning in her fingers as she grasped for higher ground. At last, they arrived at the top. How giddy she was? Years of dreaming of this moment and it felt surreal no matter how many times she went here in her mind. Hands held, lips locked together, tongues seeking for lost treasures, sweaty bodies glistening beneath the clouds, his total embrace for the first time, fitting together like two souls made for this moment. She felt perfect, joined with the other half of her, unified in a way that no man could ever replicate. When she leapt, there were no doubts that the air would rush up and catch her, that her love would be blessed by Zafrir just as his was blessed by Dalis. No fear, no worries, only love and faith. The wind caught her, but long after Rahan already had.
Tuya’s eyes flashed in the dark, lighting up this memory, banishing away the lies.
Crying far above, Renisha remembered truth. Thank you. Thank you, my friend.
Thank you, Tuya answered. I will carry these memories with me forever, Renisha. They will forever remind me of what real love is.
Renisha gripped at the dirt at the crown of the Spire. I will not let him take these from me again. I will not forget who I love, who I have loved all along. It will help me endure, until it is my turn to be…
You deserve better, Tuya told her. Together, we can make it to the edge of the Spire. You can jump and Rahan’s love will guide you down to the ground again. I will help you come to me, to be with Yaha again. Together, we will be free of them, Renisha.
Dread emanated from Renisha’s consciousness and Tuya’s hope dwindled. Even if I could reach the end, reach a destination that those better than me failed to, I cannot escape. Renisha gripped at her neck, feeling the vacancy. My pearl is gone. My oath is broken. I would meet nothing but death at the end of that flight.
Tuya thought, her mind a storm, seeking a way to free Renisha. Yet, making it through the tamers to the edge was already hard enough, getting her through the thousands to reach the ground would be impossible. Neither could she go there on her own, even with Yaha’s help. She could beg Gurgaldai, but he would use that to leverage, possibly to get her to stay in the Spire with him instead. She could not do that, as selfish as that felt. Perhaps, just perhaps, she could get a great flying bird to help, but what were the chances that she could find one willing to head into the stronghold of the tamers, then how could she keep the bird safe from the other tamed, from Chimaera atop the Spire and his lightning ram, from the other tamed birds, while she warded off Gurgaldai’s consciousness? Chances of success were smaller than the smallest bug in the Spire while the risks were as big as the biggest dragon in the twin isles of ice and fire.
Renisha’s mind co-existed with Tuya’s, pushing into a state of tranquility, a state like a soft rain beside a sky streaked with rainbows, even as Tuya’s stormed and thundered with nonacceptance.
My friend, Renisha thought, interrupting Tuya as she continued seeking solutions, refusing what was real. You believe you can get me to the ledge?
Yes, Tuya said, as long as Gurgaldai is asleep. I can keep your mind your own and you can evade the tamers if you wait for the right opening. But…
That is my freedom.
Tuya could not accept that, even as Renisha found peace in her decision. That is death, Tuya projected.
No. I remember now what life is. What I am living now is worse than death. I choose to be free.
Tuya resisted the idea, her mind going back to the cliffs. The last time she acted on a plan to end her own life was the day she met Renisha. Things may change.
They will not. There is nobody who can help me more than you.
Rage, hot and bloody, pulsed in Tuya. She wished she could strangle Gurgaldai. Her hands gripped around her legs and pinched until they broke skin. I will stop him.
I hope you will, Renisha answered, her mind placid, but you will be too late for me.
Tuya scrambled for a counterpoint, a reason to keep Renisha fighting.
And you call Captain Yaha stubborn? Amusement passed through the link that was not bidirectional. You must accept your limits, young one. You must accept reality, even when it is not what you want it to be, and focus on changing what you can rather than what you cannot. If you fight everything, you will defeat nothing.
Tuya reeled, her frustration with Yaha dissipating alongside her urges to keep fighting what she could not defeat. She inhaled and exhaled, like Zaya taught her. She accepted her limits and focused on what she could change rather than what she could not, as Renisha taught her. She did what she could and accepted that it was better than doing nothing at all.
Tuya carried these lessons, carried Renisha’s memories of love down into the dark place with her not long after. Yaha, impressively, managed to light a fire without any guiding light. The woman sat near it, nursing her wounds and curled up in hides. Her dark eyes looked up at her, her nose taking in a huge breath, her mouth curling downward as she braced for battle, a battle Tuya would not fight. After all, what was the point of fighting battles where you could not win?
“I needed to try to save them,” Yaha said, her words sharper than a spear. “I went to the Spire. I thought if I could find a way in, I could get them out. I watched and waited, seeking any hope of success.” She lowered her eyes. “But there was no way I could free them. All I would do was throw my life away, and I have too much to live for to do that.” She clutched the furs around her, and eyed Tuya, daring her to challenge her as if she were already in empagong form.
Tuya sat beside Yaha, shoulder-to-shoulder, setting the woman on edge. “They are all free now, Yaha.”
Yaha’s mouth opened. “Free?”
Tuya nodded and put her arm around Yaha’s back. “Free.”
Yaha fought the sobs at first, her mouth twitching, her eyes narrowing, her body shaking, until she could not fight anymore. She tossed her arms around Tuya, nearly knocking her over, and sobbed.