Mist sprayed far, far below where the evil water crashed into the rocks and the good water roared over the edge of the cliff to join it. The endless evil seemed to fall over the side of the world at the end of Tuya’s sight. In that vast expanse, a few fingers of rock rose above the evil, triumphs of Celegana over the nameless Goddess of the Waters. At the edge of forever, the big lightmaker climbed out of its daily slumber, tinting the distant skies beyond the Hollows the color of blood. Soon, it would reach the Hollows, and Tuya’s misery would, at last, be over.
Tuya sat down on the edge of Celegana’s Hollows. A painful smile graced her mouth, knowing that she would die, having gotten the better of Makhun. Who was the stupid one now?
Gazing down upon her death, Tuya’s courage flew away, leaving behind the scared shell of a miserable child too afraid to fly away. She froze, numbing to nothingness, as the mist reached toward her like a tamer’s mind.
She looked behind her, trying not to think of the leap so much as to remember all the reasons she could not go on living. The Spire towered over her, rising high, high, high above all the trees with all their holes with an uncountable mass of tamer consciousnesses flowing from it like smoke burning from the fires of all the world’s suffering. The tamers said that Celegana created her Spire when she left her children behind to fight the evil gods and goddesses, left it to the tamers so that they might continue her fight, continue eradicating all who defiled the land and the heathens who chose to follow the evil divinities. Tuya wondered if the one who gave eternal life to all the hollows truly wanted this life for her daughters.
Whether she wanted to or not, Celegana was not here protecting girls like Tuya from her sons. Nothing would take away Tuya’s pain, nothing but following Celegana back to the ground.
Tuya leered over the edge again, her heart hammering harder than it had since the day she lost everything, for the second time. Something stuck out of the earth along the cliff’s face, hiding a glimmer beneath layers of dirt and mud. Tuya reached for the hidden thing, straining to pull it free of the land. Almost tumbling over the cliffs in her effort to pry it free, she snatched herself from certain death and scampered back from the edge, holding the hidden thing.
The thing was heavy for something so small, layered with seasons of ground. Tuya carried it to the flowing water and washed away the layers, curiosity distracting her from her true purpose this morning, the final act that she did not want to contemplate. Beneath all the layers of grime there was a sparkling little lightmaker. Tuya startled at the beauty of the thing, before sinking with the realization of what the thing was.
Tuya stared at her eye. How long had it been since she saw herself? Certainly not since the last time she was in the dark place. She showed more wear than that day, cracks in her skin and a sallowness upon her complexion. How had she been so cruel to the person she looked at? How had she laid down and done nothing as her pain got bigger and bigger? Was this person she saw not worth caring about? Seeing her pain reflected back at her, Tuya regretted the last season of self-destruction, wishing she had seen herself, seen the girl like any other who still needed to be cared for.
Tuya stalled, taking time as if she had her whole life instead of mere moments ahead of her, cleaning away the dirt from the hard, shiny thing. Once done, she took her place on the edge of Celegana’s land, legs dangling over the cliffs, and looked at herself. Wide cheeks, narrow forehead, and pointed chin. Eyes like little lightmakers that shone upon a face colored like the wet sands where the evil waters met Celegana’s ground. The tamers said it was a good face, though it felt like ages had passed since the last time a tamer spoke of it, since Gurgaldai called her beautiful.
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She wept and wondered what life could have been were she born somewhere where the people did not hate her just for being born. The stray thought came like a sudden change in the winds. Gurgaldai does not hate me. The Great Ezen, a man more beautiful than any she ever saw, ever dreamt of, liked her face, wanted to protect her, wanted to be with her. Tuya realized, staring at her face but seeing into a different life how much she wanted a man like him to care about her, to put gentle arms around her, to press his lips to hers, and to tell her that she was beautiful, that he loved her.
But, this was not a different life. Like all the others, he wanted to use her. The only difference was that he saw her as an equal. He wanted her and there was a world of difference between wanting something and loving something. Tuya clenched the shiny thing, so much of her wanting to believe that a boy so beautiful, a boy that showed the smallest touch of kindness, of respect, could love a girl like her. Many, many times her mind retraced this well-treaded path in the last season. She could not let him have her, make her a slave to making pain bigger.
She sobbed for what could not be hers, anger rising as she regarded the beautiful face reflected back at her. Tuya threw the shiny thing over the edge, shrieking for the loss of the life that would never be hers, searching for the courage to fly away. Below, the good water crashed on the rocks, the evil water slammed into the cliff’s side, but Tuya could not make herself meet them. Tuya did not want to die, she just did not want to live this life of pain. She hugged herself and rocked on the precipice of life and death.
These two conflicting wants waged war inside her mind. Her past was nothing but echoes of suffering and loss, her now was relentless misery, and her future was hopeless. She could make nobody’s pain smaller, least of all her own. She would only make things worse, only add to the suffering. Tuya lived by one code: make pain smaller. All the paths converged, the only conclusion was this: leap.
For all that, the part of her that never gave up clung to life. This same part that turned her eyes to light on the day everything else was dark, the part that refused to let the last ray of hope within her extinguish. Like a small glow in a vast void, this tiny part of Tuya withstood the hurricane winds of self-destruction and hopelessness that spiraled around her screaming that she had no hope, that her life was and always would be loveless pain, that she did not deserve to live after what she did. Yet, this tiny piece of her held on to Zaya, to Sarnai, and to the dreams that someday she could feel loved again.
Sobbing, Tuya dug her nails into the ground on the edge of her world, as this tiny part of her begged for one more moment, for a sign that life could go on. Within herself, she restored tentative peace, made compromise. Tuya agreed with herself on one final proposition that satisfied all parties within her. If no sign of hope answered her prayers by the time the first ray of the big lightmaker touched her, she would leap.
Tuya lingered upon the cliff’s face as the big lightmaker shone up the side of the rocks, light climbing ever closer to the end of her life. A snow-colored seabird flew from the forest and over the evil waters, a small, dull vapor connecting it to the tamer who controlled it from the Spire. It squawked, sighting her upon the ledge when the light creeped toward her dangling toes.
Sobbing, Tuya clung to the ground, knowing that it was now or never as this harbinger of hopelessness soared over her. Heart pounding, breath rapid, her hands slick and sweaty upon the ground that held her to life, with no sign of hope answering her pleas, Tuya decided to die while she could still choose. From the Spire came the vastness of Gurgaldai ezen Celegan, his consciousness larger than any raingiver. The rocks below were her only chance at freedom, the only moment: now.
Gazing out at the big lightmaker, Tuya released her grip on life and leaned forward. Then, just as the light touched the top of the cliff, just as all hope was gone, just as her decision was made, she saw upon the distant edge of the world beyond the ends of the evil water a final ray of hope. Riding upon the waters was an abomination made from the bones of trees, carrying people unlike any she had ever seen toward the Hollows.
In that moment of hesitation, hope prevailed and life persisted, even as the stormwall crashed into her.