The muscle-headed girl and the future-predicting system. What is this? The worst comedy trope ever? No, let’s not answer that. As the system said, I need to teach her about qi so I can get my glasses fixed. I could do it myself, but then I’d have to start cultivating, and that’d leave me black and sticky with impurities. Maybe. My body might not have any impurities, considering it’s built out of arcane energy. Now’s not the time to think about it, I’ll find it out later.
“You have no idea what qi is?” I ask Rucia, exasperated.
She tilts her head and looks at me quizzically: “I’ve never heard of qi before, should I know it?”
“Y-yes you should.” This girl really has no idea what it is, does she?
She looks at me puzzled, like I’ve told a four year old to solve a logarithm. Actually, that seems to be a pretty good comparison to what’s happening now. I sigh and let my head droop, I can’t get a break, can I? Allow me to tally up everything that has happened so far, to observe my record of defeat. First, reincarnated as the most boring thing in the world and stayed that way for 13 years, second, was assaulted irrationally by wizards, walked in a forest, hungry, for three days straight, then arrested, once again, irrationally, sentenced to death, massacred a few thousand people, walked for another few days, hungry, found a creepy-ass cave to sleep in, my blood, sweat and tears fit into one book, and now I’ve been kidnapped by an idiot. AND, she broke my glasses. Had enough fun yet God?
...
… Prick.
“What is qi then?” Rucia picks up where I left off.
“Qi is… actually, let’s start with a question,” I say. “When using the Elementary Refinement Liquid-”
“Blood water” She interrupts.
“-Elementary Refinement Liquid! When using it, have you ever felt some sort of energy flowing through your body? Around the heart area?” I question her.
“Um...” Rucia visibly struggles to find an answer. “I think so?”
“Why is it a question?”
“Because I can’t really remember it that well. I just drink it and then exercise.”
FOR! FUCK’S! SAKE!
“Alright then,” I say, trying to keep my composure.”Some of it should still be floating around the heart area, try feeling for it.”
Rucia nods and closes her eyes, relaxing. Good, she knows to relax instead of tensing up. I could comment that she didn’t go into the lotus position, but that isn’t really that big of a deal. After a few minutes, she seems to be getting frustrated. Come on now, you were doing so good! Don’t make me give you guidance, it’s a pain! Finally, she relaxes once more, but this time, it seems as if she’s given up. She opens her eyes and looks at me.
“What’s a heart?”
…
I fell out of my chair.
µ£€Ω†‡ (√∞?) ∫∏∑∂∆šøæƒÛƉ!!
…
…
…
*Bang*
SON OF A-!
*Bang*
FUCKING WHORE-!
*Bang*
DUMBASS BIRCH- I MEAN BITCH!
*Bang*
THE FUCK WOMAN?!?! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A HEART IS?!?! I’M GODDAMN SURE THAT EVEN PEASANTS KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A HEART IS!! WHAT MANNER OF CREATURE ARE YOU TO NOT KNOW WHAT A HEART IS?!?!
“WHAT DO MEAN ‘YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A HEART IS’?! THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?!” I vent my feelings.
“Y-your head, i-is it alright?” She asks nervously. MY head? What about yours?
“MY HEAD DOESN’T MATTER!! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN MATTERS!!”
“What’s a brain?”
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…
“Excuse me for a moment.”
“S-sure. A-are you sure that your head doesn’t need treatment? It’s bleeding really bad.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“O-okay...”
I step outside for a moment and close the door behind me. I take in a breath of fresh air and breath it out once more. A wide smile appears on my face.
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!” I scream.
“HOW STUPID CAN A PERSON BE?!?!?!?! IS IT GENETICS?!?!?! HEREDITARY?!?!?!? WHATCHAMACALLIT?!?!?!?! BITCHES?!?!?!? BIRCHES?!?!?!? M8 IS THE H8 M8!!!! WELL FUCK ME SIDEWAYS AND CALL ME LUCY, CAUSE I FOUND MYSELF A BITCH, AND HE’S RIGHT HERE!!!!” I ramble.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!!!!*cough* *cough*, argh, *hack* *cough* *cough*!” I scream, my throat breaking in the process. (He hit a high note on the last few A’s)
I spit up some blood, the result of being so hard and loud. Fuck me, that birch is- I MEAN BITCH! That bitch is stupid as hell. How the fuck does she not know what a heart or brain is? Was she raised by wolves? No that’s impossible because she has a fucking house, speaks the language and knows manners. How the shit does she not know what the heart and brain is if she knows about etiquette? I want to know what happened! Seriously, I do! System, can you explain?
{Rucia was raised by her maternal grandmother, alone. Her grandmother had taught her the language, manner, a little fighting and values. She died before she could teach Rucia anatomy.}
I’ll admit that I feel a bit bad about that know that I know her, but I’m still pissed at her grandmother. How do you not teach your granddaughter about the heart or the brain? I don’t get that. You know what? Dumb grandma’s dead. I’ll teach her about this stuff in her stead. I take a deep breath in and let it out. I’ve calmed down now.
I open the door and walk in. I see her standing where I left her, looking both confused and scared. I smile her way and nod my head. She relaxes a bit, but still seems to be tensed up. I politely mouth to her: ‘can you get me some water?’ She seems to understand and I let her pass through to go get some water. She comes back quickly, and hands me a glass of water, just like I ask. I drink it and rub my throat. It’s still sore from screaming my lungs out. I put down the cup and look her direction. She flinches. Ah, this’ll be hard.
“First question,” I say scratchily. “Do you have any clue what a heart is?”
“Um..” She stutters nervously. “I-I think it’s the thing that controls emotions?”
“Incor- *cough* *cough* *cough*- Incorrect.” I try to shout, but end up saying in a quieter tone.
“In-incorrect?”
“Right, the heart is not an emotional thing. At least, not the real heart. People have used the term ‘heart’ to describe emotional things when, in reality, it is an organ that keeps you alive. Do you know what an organ is?”
“Yes, it’s those things in animals that kill them quicker if hit!”
“Oh no….”
*Facepalm* It’s worse than I thought.
“I-is something wrong?”
“No, no, yes, yes, yes there is. An organ is a vital function that is kept inside your body. You said that organs are fatal spots in animals?”
“Yes-”
“Don’t answer that. You have those inside you too, just different, both in size and amount. The heart and brain are the most important organs. The brain is what makes you you, from birth till death, the brain is what you are. It also is what allows you to think, move your body, breath and stay alive. If your brain is damaged, you will either have serious mental problems or die.
“Your heart is just as important as the brain. Without your heart, your brain would not be able to function. Your heart pumps blood through your body and keeps you alive. If you’re even in a situation where you don’t know whether you’re alive or dead, reach to the left side of your chest and feel for something beating, a pulse. That’s how you’ll know if you’re alive or dead. Got it?”
“Y-yeah, I-I got it.”
“Good. Now, where did I say your heart was?”
“My left chest.”
“Correct, now feel for your heartbeat. Go ahead and do it.”
“A-alright.”
Rucia puts her hand on her left chest, just like I said. Her eyebrows jump in surprise as she feels her heartbeat for the first time. I nod in satisfaction. Good, my apprentice, now give into the anger. Feel the qi coursing through your veins. I clap my hands to both get her attention and reward her for a job well done.
“Good job, you did something a baby could do! Now let’s move on to something a child could do.”
“A-a baby…?”
“I’ll need you to find the energy I spoke of earlier, qi. Once again, it’s around your heart. Now, try it.”
Rucia sits down on the chair behind her and once again tries to locate the qi near her heart. Some minutes pass before she opens her eyes again. I look at her with a bored gaze. Finally, she better be done.
“I think I found it...”
“Good, now I’ll give you a simple cultivation method to help you control the qi so you can fix my glasses.”
I decide to take a simple Sky Stepping cultivation method from the system’s archives and impart it to her. To prevent leak of information, I tell it to her directly instead of writing it down. Of course, she could still tell it to someone else, I just don’t want her to publish it and make money off the technique. Actually, she could do it as long as she knows how to write… Oh whatever, let’s just give it to her and get this over with.
“A cultivation method…? What’s that?”
Oh god, do I have to teach her everything? Well, it’s as I just said, everyone starts from the basics. Actually, I wonder if somebody famous did say that…?
“It’ll help you move the qi in your body, so just listen as I recite it, because I don’t have a paper copy.”
“Alright then...”
“*Blah blah blah, cultivation mumbo-jumbo, this, that and the other thing, did you know that there is a movie called “Quackser Fortune Has a Cousin in the Bronx”? Yeah, I know, it’s a stupid title, right? I’m just putting needless words here to make you understand that even the author has no idea what to put as a cultivation method’s content. There is some weird stuff on the internet. No, I mean REALLY weird. Well, I think it’s time to end the little session, how about you?*
“Alright, now start cultivating okay?”
“Got it!”
Rucia gets in the lotus position and starts cultivating the method I taught her. Now that she’s doing her thing, I’ll do my thing.
{Ten minutes later, you obviously know something just fucked up, don’t you?}- System & Programmed Response.
*Scream!*
“OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHAT IS IT NOW?! DID A SPIDER MAKE YOU WET YOUR PANTS OR- OH SHIT!”
Rucia is currently lying on the floor, blood dripping out of her nose, eyes, mouth and ears. I wonder who fucked up this time?
I’m an asshole for thinking this now, aren’t I...