Intro: Avery

When most people witness a tragedy, two things happen. First, they are completely horrified. No surprise there, right?

As soon as the initial shock wears off and a person is able to gain their bearings to a small degree, what follows, is inevitably a sudden and overwhelming sense of relief.

Now that I think about it, there is sometimes a third consequence, but we'll get to that later. Back to the relief...

Some people might look down on this way of thinking and I understand that. But if we look beyond the surface and make a point of being truly honest with ourselves, most of us will come to the conclusion that this is simply human nature. Every normal, healthy, human-being has an innate and incredibly strong sense of self preservation. So, it would naturally follow that we would go out of our way to make sure that we avoid death at all costs. Still with me?

Ok, good. I'd like to add, that this is especially true for those of us who are young. Older people tend to be more accepting when their time inevitably comes. I think it's because we know deep down that they had their time. They lived their life, but there's something especially tragic about a young life cut short without warning.

Now, I want to be very clear. I'm not talking about being happy about another person's death. Of course not.

It's not that we are glad someone else died, it's simply that we are relieved that we're still alive. If we break it down logically, it makes perfect sense. We can be devastated by the passing of another soul, while still being grateful for our own survival. If this is true, there is no reason for guilt, right?

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Wrong...

That might be the case for most people, but I guess I'm just different. Part two of this process never really happened for me. I'm not glad to be the last member of my family left alive. I should be grateful that I'm still drawing breath; grateful that I have the opportunity to see another sunrise. But if I'm truly honest with myself, I'm not. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I find myself wishing more and more that I was the one who died...

If I could trade places with them, I would do it in a heartbeat. Without hesitation. What does that say about me? Is there something wrong with me? Those are questions that unfortunately, I don't have the answers to. I mean, part of me thinks that it's a good thing.

It shows just how much I love my family--

--Oh sorry. I guess I should say "loved" now. Past tense...

But maybe it shows me something else that I don't want to see. A question that I don't want to ask myself...

What do I have left to live for?

And perhaps another question. If I have no desire to go on without them, what value did my life ever have to begin with?

Again, I'm at a loss. These are some of the questions I'm wrestling with, but that's only the beginning.

There's a million other things racing through my mind. This is a rare moment of clarity. Most of the thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing are fleeting. Too elusive for me to grab ahold of. Too ethereal to pin down and analyze. They're all running around in my head, but I can't truly process any of them.

It's like this invisible weight clinging to me all the time. No, maybe its more like a pressure building up inside, that's slowly pushing me to a boiling point. Until I have no choice but to explode.

Maybe it's like an injury that isn't physical. More like a deep phantom wound that constantly causes me pain, but will never actually grant me the mercy of death.

Like I said, I can't really process any of it. I'm too tired to keep trying. Instead, I'll pivot to something else. Something that's been circling in my mind ever since the accident.

I can't help going over that moment again and again. The one thing that stands out to me is that I survived by the dumbest of luck. If you can call it that. It was the tiniest, stupidest little thing that saved me from sharing the same fate. The rest of my family wasn't so lucky.

What if things had been different? What if it was just me who had gone instead of them?

But there's one thought that haunts me more than the rest...

Is there anything I could have done to save them?