“Can you believe it? Christmas trees in the thousands?!”
Dave dropped the giant tree, shedding pine needles everywhere as he shoved it through the door. His rough handling of the bulky plant, freshly chopped and ready to plant, left large skids all over the tile floor around the entrance, a terrible inconvenient mess Wisp would have to comb over later, or else the ugly sight would bother him for many weeks. Dave’s exoskeleton powered down, entering standby mode as he dismounted the wiry contraption. Vola didn’t dare approach the device, wary of sudden electrocution or a sudden explosion.
“You know you don’t have to stand all the way over there. I’m not a shit builder, I’ve done this for years and I’ve only almost died a dozen— no, a baker’s dozen times.”
“Yeah and I’d hate to break that streak of near-death experiences with a REAL one.”
Den tried its best to claw the trunk of the hefty evergreen, only to find the sheer weight of the future Christmas tree digging into the floor with all the friction it could muster. Nothing it could do but whimper, successfully convincing Vola to try and help drag the whole thing inside, bit by bit. A small branch snapped off, and she picked up the little piece and threw it at Dave. He swiftly blasted the offending projectile out of the air with an experimental laser pistol.
“Dave, you asshole, why don’t you help tug this shit in here? I’m not gonna power up for something stupid like this.”
“The exoskeleton doesn’t fit in the building. It’s for external use only.”
“Why don’t you, fuckin’, I don’t know, build a robot to help? Den seems pretty eager. Build THEM a human body, anything works.”
“Maybe. Can they use a human body?”
They both craned their necks to look at Den, who leaned back and placed a paw on its chest to mimic the appearance of a celebrity being dramatically offended. Vola pointed at Den with both hands.
“See? Told you. Get on it.”
Dave threw up his hands and trundled off to his workshop, hopefully to start some actual useful work, leaving Vola to set up the tree by himself. Halfway through coaxing the tree into position in the middle of the lobby, proudly upright, Vola realized she nearly forgotten the most important part of a Christmas tree:
“Aw fuuuuck I didn’t buy any decorations. God.”
He took a deep breath, feeling the air swirl through her lungs, a soft flame burning in her chest…
Vola used [Commanding Shout]!
“CAN SOMEONE BUY THE ORNAMENTS FOR THE DAMN CHRISTMAS TREE ‘CAUSE I’M NOT FUCKIN’ DOIN’ IIIT!!!!”
The sheer volume deafened the ears, and rattled the walls a little bit with its ferocity. Dust came in short spurts from the ceiling, a quiet warning to stop playing with the building’s integrity. Wisp, asleep at his desk (as per usual), leapt out of his chair; more accurately, he would have, if it wasn’t a rolling chair that slid to the side when he tried, introducing his face to the hard flooring.
“Vola it is like, hold on, lemme check, just past midnight. Let me sleep you rat bastard.”
She handwaved away his complaint with a shrug and a sigh.
“Serves you right for sleeping on the job. Make yourself useful and go to the store for me.”
“First of all, we close at ten. This isn’t a 24/7 joint. Secondly, try asking nicely, dipshit— OW WHAT THE FUCK!”
A perfect throw! Someone’s unattended mug, mostly empty, broke across Wisp’s forehead, sending rivulets of blood running down his cheeks. Some in the eyes, too. Right on time, Unze stepped out of the elevator just as the doors opened, abilities on full blast.
“Hi Vola!!! Friend!!! I am just a little beebis I need my beauty sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Sorry. I just needed some people to help get the ornaments for the tree because I’m tired too and I have to set up the tree, since not everyone is super strong.”
Unze tuned out Wisp’s angry complaints about trivial things like ‘being unfair’ and ‘clear favoritism’, squeezing the little mini Unze plushie in his arms (29.99 at www.unzemerchreal.com) to yawn and give Vola his reply.
“Mmm,,, I don’ wanna do it by myself… if only I someone could save me from going to the store alone…………………………..”
Vola immediately ducked, narrowly avoiding a glass vial meant for his head.
“Oh my god stop smashing shit!!!” cried Wisp, who knew he would have to clean that and the mug up as well, since no one else would be the janitor. Snake gave him some mix between a hiss, a grumble of acknowledgement, and a scream of anger.
“Vola PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE I’M SO TIRED.”
“YOU’RE CLEARLY ALREADY STAYING UP I DIDN’T WAKE YOU UP AT ALL! What the fuck are you even holding.”
She drank a second vial in other hand in seconds, twirling the spotlessly clean and empty glassware dangerously between her fingers.
“‘Cause it’s Christmas, bitch! None of us can drink alcohol yet so I made. Better eggnog. It’s just like the real thing but it doesn’t hurt your liver!”
She leaned against the wall with a cheery grin, nearly dropping the one remaining unbroken vial. Vola still looked at least somewhat skeptical.
“I mean, I’m not doubting your skill. I’ve seen your stuff in action. But… you look kind of drunk.”
“Hic… yeah. It’s not eggnog if you don’t get drunk from it. Then it’s just, like, juice. No hangover though, I’m not gonna make a whole second potion to get rid of that.”
“That sounds incredibly profitable. Maybe you should sell that. Make a million dollars.”
“D’you think I can jus’ mass produce these? Mmm one person, Volaoo…”
He threw his hands up in the air and pointed to Unze, the little guy, the sleepy scrunkly.
“Can you help him go to the store and pick up some ornaments? I don’t wanna do that shit myself I’m already doing the tree.”
“May…”
“May you help him go to the store and pick up some ornaments.”
“Yeaah alright whatever. Let’s go Unze I’ll drive.”
“Thank you!!! But I think I will.”
----------------------------------------
The store! Oh, the wonders of shopping and commerce and capitalism and all of its glorious conquest of the West. And the East. And pretty much the whole world after the Collapse. Even now, pop up stores like Merry City mysteriously manifested in the more populated areas during the early winter, ready to take advantage of gullible suckers more than happy to shell out for the holiday season: like the two unwitting chumps about to walk right in through the front entrance, into this obvious trap…
“Snake we’re here!!! Christmas!!!!”
“You hit a carrrrr while parking and I think thas’ not so good.”
“Parallel parking is just so hard uwu.”
Overhead, the giant MERRY CITY sign illuminated the walkway in front of the building. The parking lot was lit by nothing other than the dim generic streetlights that lined every street in the city, with the occasional line of bushes to break up the monotony, an additional wall of shrubbery and a couple trees serving as the borders for the whole area. Blue, black, red, white cars sat side to side in the quiet, the only sound the dull hubbub of the rest of the city around them. Taller buildings and skyscrapers loomed over the pair, silent sentinels guarding the seasonal store.
“Kkkugkh. Weird atmosphere,” Snake commented, checking her belt and robes for the potion she wanted. “I’ll just drink it away.”
“The ethereal vibes are out tonight! 5% boosted chance of encountering a goober!” cried Unze, correctly interpreting the situation.
The inside of the store was much more familiar. Rows and rows and rows and rows, walkways crossing to and fro, pillars to hold up the roof, standard holiday music accompaniment too! Shelves reached up to the top, hundreds of items at every stop; green and red and gold and white, enough to be a child’s delight! It all screamed to them HOME in a way. Not somewhere you would live, but a comforting shelter from the chaotic newness of the world around it.
Unze ran inside like a kid high on pure sugar on Christmas day while Snake trailed a ways behind, already fed up with the unnecessarily cheery decor meant to convince people to buy buy buy! It was irritating, a stake through the skull, a particularly terrible migraine. Another drink, down the hatch.
“Look look look a zolker!!!”
Unze triumphantly held up a strange and unidentifiable lump of yarn and cotton that resembled somewhat a plushie of Christmas theming, but without clear limbs or a face or any real recognizable aspects that could be assigned a name. It was more akin to an affront to life, an accursed creature best described as the punishment of someone’s attempt to play God. For this little being of fiber and cloth, there was no redemption.
“I don’t… I don’t even want to look at that it makes my head hurt more than it already does. Leths just get the baubles and whatever and skedaddle…”
Snake left Unze behind to continue praising the holy presence of his newfound friend, instead rifling through stacks of utterly random goods, of all kinds, disorganized and scattered everywhere. Not even the walkways were safe, as products- goods- commodities of all types spilled forth in a frozen wave, an unstable but barely held together pile that went on for what looked like miles.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
Traveling deeper into the store, she scanned the ground carefully, stepping over ever increasing quantities of notebooks, cards, sketchy costumes, wreaths and stickers, crayons and pens. Paint cans, colored fans, plastic swords and Santa shorts. Sweaters, knives, cookies, fake jewelry; enough to set your head spinning.
“Ahaaa..! I have found it. The Legendary Ornaments!”
Bending down and lifting the edge of her lab coat from the floor, she grasped a whole multitude of fancy lights, trinkets, and adornments for the tree. There was reflective fake greenery to wrap around, a star to put on top, little globes hanging from hooks, the odd body, and even a pre-wrapped gift suspiciously shaped like a pipe bomb! Perfect. Now just to find the cashier…
“Ugh… I’ve truly become the Christmas,” spoke the body, half buried underneath the vast quantities of store merchandise.
“Kyki? Is tha’ you? Mmm I can’t really see you. You sound Kyki. Lemme dig you out…”
And in the process of doing so, multiple avalanches occurred, nearly covering both of them in the wrath of Father Christmas: or whatever the crappy shop-bought version of that lived in this box store. A frightening experience, since shopping generally does not include having to flee cave-ins. A few more small tumbles and Snake barely pulled Kyki out from the ever growing death heap. Before they could say anything a whole host of random items threatened to smother them again, sending them running.
“OHHHH my goodness gracious. Thanks Snake. I almost died there. I even saw the Santa at the end of the tunnel.”
“Don’t HIC thank me yet. Gonna pay for the stuff I grabbed and get out. I don’ fffuckin’ care if Vola doen’t like it he can risk his own ass for this shit.”
I don’t know if they said anything else past this point, because the tremors caused by their hasty retreat was enough to set off a chain reaction, a whole natural disaster chasing them down. No one ever expects to die by tsunami, much less one of pencils and pens, erasers and markers, all painted a glittering green, red, white and gold. The cacophony of hundreds of thousands of dollars of damaged wares drowned out noise, sound, thought. So they ran, futile as it might be.
“...we’re not gonna make it I thin’ so if this is it I want you to inherit my chem lab. Please take care of it—”
Kyki snatched her by the wrist and pulled HARD, barely escaping the torrential wall of capitalist death.
“NO! We’re BOTH gonna make it! Just a little further!!!!”
And when all was lost, when it seemed they would be doomed to an eternal holiday in hell, they saw it. A wall. A beautiful, shining beacon of safety, with a slot just big enough for both of them to slip through. They threw themselves through the gap, crashing to the ground in an exhausted mess, as the peculiar wall, supported by a great pile of the same material behind, pushed against the great force of Merry City’s inevitable rage. And to their surprise… it held. Miraculously the structure held, giving them a much needed breather.
“Hey guys I made friends!!! Many friends!!!”
Unze sat upon a throne of the same kind of plushie he had found earlier. Now there were thousands of them, worshiping him like some kind of prophet, or offering themselves to him in the form of his current seat, as well as walls, a chandelier, and any other number of luxuries. It was like a mini palace, built just for him.
“Hello Kyki!!! Are you shopping too I am doing my own shopping for subjects.”
Snake took one good look at the cartoonish sight and burst out laughing as if it were the funniest joke only she understood, incapacitated by giggling. Kyki stood there, gobsmacked, and then pointed at the giant pile of ‘zolkers’ or whatever.
“Unze, how are you going to pay for all of those? I’m pretty sure none of us can afford that much stuff.”
“Oh don’t worry I got a card! Credit card! Here you go!”
They barely caught the wallet haphazardly tossed down from the top, observing the brownish tan leather exterior. It seemed a little out of place, actually.
“Is this yours, Unze? I thought you had a purple and pink one with magnets.”
“Nope!”
Opening the wallet revealed a wad of cash, some coins of random denomination, a library card, some arcade punch cards, and a driver’s license. Kyki was almost not surprised by the face of the person on the front.
“Oh. That’s what Wisp’s real name is?”
Unze motioned for Kyki to be more forthcoming with the forbidden knowledge.
“Awesome!! Please inform the class for a gold star!”
“No. You can easily find out for yourself. Also no to buying the zolkers. We can’t afford that. How’d you even get Wisp’s credit card?”
“I asked nicely. Also brainwashing.”
They pulled Snake up from where she lay, out of breath, and began searching for a cashier.
“Let’s just pay and get out of here before something else bad happens. Unze, say goodbye to the plushie army.”
“Bye bye… I’ll come back for everyone someday I promise!!!!!!!”
It was a truly tragic day as the trio left the building, a boxful of ornaments to hang on their Christmas tree. But at what cost? Unze clearly knew just how much he had lost from this small interaction. He stood in front of the car door, staring at the ground.
“I miss them already…”
Kyki bent down to help a drunken Snake into the passenger seat, and then gave him a thumb over the shoulder.
“It’ll be fine, you can always just visit them tomorr…”
The words died on their lips, as the pair both turned to find no box store at all. A tarp covered where the giant neon sign was supposed to be, dark windows obfuscating whatever lay inside. Empty paint buckets and scraps of wood resting around and against the outer walls, reminiscent of a building long abandoned. There weren’t even any cars left in the parking lot; just their car sat, alone, amongst neat rows of empty parking spots.
They gave each other a shared glance of mutual understanding and immediately slipped into the car and stepped on the gas.
----------------------------------------
The decoration of the tree was finished just in time, as a quick check showed that it was 11:59 PM, a minute before Christmas. Vola tossed the stepladder she had been using over his shoulder, ignoring the unholy sound of metal crashing against the tile floor. Wisp flicked a switch, watching all the string lights suddenly illuminate the whole room with their brightness. Now the lobby was a colorful display of blue, red, green, yellow, white, orange, and every other color.
The loud speaker flared to life after going unused for ages, for a momentary announcement:
“It’s officially CHRISTMAS everyone! Now get your ass down here for the White Elephant.”
The speakers in the room coughed. It was clear they were not long for this world. The sleepy residents of the hotel proceeded to file out of the elevator in intervals, sitting down around the center table of the lobby, on the various couches arranged in a circle. Usually for guests, today it held the Residents of the Rectangular Glass Table.
Dave: “Alright. Everyone here? I don’t see anyone missing.”
Snake: “Ohhh I see more than normal…”
Kyki: “What? Hey, wait, what’s that you’re drinking—”
Vola: “Not even a thank you for the tree. Lame.”
Acid: “You know we appreciate you for the work you do. Don’t give me that look.”
Dime: “The middle of the night. I was sleeping.”
Mei: “Yeah… did we have to do this right now?”
Rico: “Christmas spirit! But I am also very eepy.”
Unze: “Just a few minutes for the Friend Meeting and then everyone can do the Sleep Meeting! It is necessary.”
Wisp reached into a hat as everyone settled down, rifling his hands around for dramatic effect before drawing the first card.
“Den! You’re first. Go pick!”
Thus they reached a paw into a giant potato sack full of gifts prepared earlier, and pulled out a copy of Five Nights at Freddy’s Ultra Night 3. They turned to Wisp as if to say, “What the hell is this?”
“All the gifts are from everyone here,” reminded Wisp. “Each one of us purchased a random gift to place into the sack. So you might find someone else’s ideal of the perfect gift.”
If Den could speak, they would have said “Yeah, okay, I guess.” Subsequently they waddled off to go figure out how to play a video game with two paws instead of hands. Next person to choose was
“Rico! Reach into the mystical wise sack.”
His arm came out of the bag with a giant plush of a certain round slime-esque monster from a certain game that sported catlike features. He held the whole thing, about the size of their torso, in their hands right in front of him. Both stared into the eyes of the other, and it was then Rico knew the truest form of love: the love between a man and his Tabby Slime Plush (Jumbo, 3 feet in diameter).
“Oh my god I love you forever.”
Wisp rolled his eyes, clearly too foolish to grasp the magical bond just formed, offensively commenting “Anyway, Unze! Take your turn.”
Oh, the suspense of what basically amounted to a loot box! Nothing more exciting than sticking your arm into a huge bag of unverifiable items of suspect origin! In comes the hand, and out comes… a zolker?
“NO WAY A ZOLKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Unze was positively ecstatic to see at least one of his subjects safe and sound. In that moment, he swore to himself that he would someday find the rest, so that this zolker may be reunited with its family, and Unze with his glorious kingdom. The zolker responded with a series of strange and peculiar noises, none of which would ever be considered reproducible by a human’s vocal cords. Creepy. The hat shakes again. Wisp reaches in, and retrieves a little slip.
“Acid! Go on, have a pick.”
“It’s Acid now.”
“Oh, okay. I’m gonna go change the nameplates. Pick from the sack. No cheating while I’m gone, alright?”
He left to change the nameplates. Everyone still giftless eyed each other warily, except Snake who had fallen asleep on the couch. A brief period of silence, broken only by Unze’s cries of elation and the loving noises of a zolker’s happiness, to be special in the eyes of their idol. They’re beginning to sweat, now, from the tension. All of them are held in place by the presence of the others, who wait for their chance, their moment, their time to strike. The first one to break the silence:
“Get FUCKED losers I’m dibs!”
Vola dove for the sack as if his life depended on it, and then the lobby was a battleground. Noxious gas clouds spread across the room, only for Acid to be nailed in the face by a really big coin; Mei snatches the sack and then narrowly dodges laser fire from within the fog, just long enough for Vola to crack open the shell of Dave’s armor with her bare hands. Distracted, they didn’t notice Kyki nab the bag and leap over the couch until it was too late. But before they could make their getaway, Dave snagged their ankle with a snap anchor, a metal band suddenly creating an attachment point between them and the ground. The ensuing dogpile was too violent to put into words, but by the time Wisp came down the stairs…
“Hey guys, I’m back. What’d you pull, Acid?”
He stared at the desecrated remains of the furniture sprawled all over the room. It looked like the site of a natural disaster, basically. An entire wall was covered in ash, there were multiple holes in the ceiling, one of the window panes was in pieces outside, several harpoons were lodged in the floor, there were multiple fans on full blast, and everyone was sitting on the floor around the sack in the middle of the room.
“Uh? Did you guys, like, do something while I was gone? Why’s the repair bill suddenly doubled?”
No one said anything. Even the zolker looked beat up, lying in a vague puddle shape on Unze’s head. Acid held up her prize.
“Look. A flamethrower.”
“That’s awesome! Why don’t you look so good.”
She didn’t answer Wisp’s question. Vola nursed his bruised jaw, and Kyki was in the stock family guy death pose on the ground. Wisp held up the hat again.
“Erm okay whatever I guess next name! Looks like it’s Dave ! Dude are you okay.”
Dave dragged himself over to the sack and drew from its seemingly bottomless content a bonsai tree kit. Apparently, it was supposed to bring good luck and fortune. Still lying face down on the tiles, he raised one arm into the air.
“Yippee.”
Next to try their luck was Dust, nursing some kind of migraine.
“Um. This is wrapped. It looks like a pipe bomb.”
“I’m sure it’s a normal present that won’t blow up in your face. No one here could make one, right?”
Mei was more fortunate, receiving a box of cookies, except instead of neatly placed cookies arranged for aesthetics, it was just a normal ass box, filled with a shit ton of handmade cookies all poured in there with no attempt at neatness. Vola reached in, snatched something, pulled it out to take a look at it,
“Huh. The Professional’s Guide to Killing People and Getting Away With It, Vol 5.”
She looked up at the squad, expecting some kind of explanation or answer, and was met with a round of equally confused stares.
“Hey. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake.”
Vola shoved Wisp aside with a sigh.
“That’s not how you do it, dumbass. You’re supposed to
SNAAAAAAKE
like that.”
And it did work; she sat up in a hurry and slammed Vola in the face with a bottle of some kind of stink potion. If I could have shown you the gratuitous slow-mo of instant karma, of the predictable consequences of Vola’s actions, I would. Instead you’ll have to trust me when I tell you the sound of another glass bottle shattering and the resulting gag as Vola tried not to smell it made Wisp feel a little bit better about his day.
“WHAT THE FUCK is it Vola FUCK OFF!!! LET ME SLEEP!!!”
He cradled his face and pointed with one hand to the sack.
“Oh yeah! The, uh, umm, the White Elephant.”
She pulled out a meth lab set.
“Oh, haha, very funny guys. I’m gonna go have another drink and go to bed.”
At that, everyone else got up as well. It was past midnight, after all, and it was not so great to be dead tired in the morning. As the gang dispersed, Wisp held up the now depleted sack, realizing there was still one small item left inside. Shaking it out, he held in his hands nothing more than a can of generic peanuts, store bought.
“...I’m allergic to these.”
He thought about it. Then he chucked the can out the broken window, listening to it clatter on the pavement outside. Behind him, the vent cover slowly slid open, and voice reached Wisp from a place he couldn’t really describe, or visualize.
“Am I late?”
“Oh. Chasma. They just all left. I didn’t think you’d come.”
“Then I am right on time. I was not meaning to participate anyway. There are precious few things I cannot create myself.”
“Maybe the key is not to be materialistic, or something. I got a can of peanuts. Makes me think of Sixth Grade, before all the apocalypse stuff happened. I can’t even eat them.”
“Are you unhappy with your gift? Something tells me everyone else will be content with theirs, no matter how strange or useless their gift was.”
“I’m not, like, super angry. I don’t know. I just feel weird, in a bad way.”
“You do not need to worry. Do you not consider them your friends?”
No answer.
“That is an answer in and of itself. But I hope you do not think the same of me.”
“I don’t! I don’t. I didn’t even say anything. Don’t get me wrong, man.”
“You still feel down.”
“Yes. So what?”
“I know it is a big ask. It is hard for you to trust. So I will give you a gift.”
“A gift? You’re giving me a gift?”
“Yes. It will be our secret to keep. Do not let them be jealous.”
There came a quiet banging from the ventilation shafts, a mix of bangs and scrapes and who knows what else. Yet what emerged belied his expectations. It was nothing more than a small cube, murky and dark in color, contained in a crystal clear ball.
“What is it?”
Chasma let the little ball, the diameter of three marbles, fall gently into the waiting palm of its receiver.
“It is a charm. A ward of sorts. I will not always be here by your side, as a good friend should. IF you are ever in real need, bring it with you, and you will find your burdens relieved. It is powerful, so do not reveal it to others. You would soon find it gone. It is for you only.”
“But that’s… that’s an artifact tier of rarity. This has to be insanely expensive. Why would you even give something like that to me?”
“Because I need you to trust me. That I am here for you, and not a facsimile of some fairweather friend, light as a feather, drifting away at the first hint of a storm. I am real. I am here. So take it and believe me.”
Wisp beheld it, an ever shifting mosaic of gray to white to black, in all gradients. The light seemed to gravitate towards the thing, wrapping around in ways that put light shows to shame. It was a beautiful display, not in the conventional sense, but in the oddness that it possessed. And he found it in his heart to tell them, yes,
“I do.”