Chapter 7: Ham-Burglars?  

"We are in," said Lefty.

  "Girls, here we come!" cried out Juan.

  "Let's find some lodging first," said Jazz.

  And, that is when it hit him. The club that is. On the back of Jazz's head.

  "Oof!" cried out Jazz.

  The others turned to look at what had gotten into Jazz when they saw him slump over and fall to the cobble stone road.

  "Jazz is down," cried out Bob. My fighter training is telling me to take evasive action. I may not be able to fight anymore but i can still defend.

  Whoosh!

  What's that? From behind?

  Bob turnaround and caught a glimpse of something coming out of the shadow of the town wall.

  A human like figure wearing a cloak? Thieves!

  "Turn around! Attack from the stern!" cried out Bob.

  Juan and Lefty turned around. Jazz, of course, laid on the ground.

  Laughter suddenly filled the air.

  "Where is that coming from?" said Lefty.

  "It sounds like it is coming from above," said Bob.

  "It doesn't sound human to me," said Juan.

  Bob looked at Juan and scrunched up his face. How does he know that?

  A long knife came at Lefty. Lefty tried to contort his body to the side of the thrusting knife but its sharp point dug into the side of his torso. Blood slowly began to seep. Lefty dropped the box with the sandwhich and the bag of gold pieces. It landed seemingly without sound on the road.

  "Ahh!" screamed Lefty.

  Bob screamed, "Stay focused. The attack is coming toward Lefty."

  Juan dropped to his knees, prayer beeds in his hands, started chanting.

  I can't use my sword. But, maybe I can attract the attention of the attacker and lead him away from Lefty.

  Bob turn to face the figure that had thrust the knife into Lefty's side. He lifted his hands to his ears and wiggled his fingers. While sticking out his tongue, Bob said, "na - na - na - nah."

  But a new thought entered Bob's head. My armor is starting to buckle?

  The clasps on Bob's armor started to open and then his armor fell to the road with a clank. Bob's arms flew from his ears to his junk as even his loin cloth had fallen to the street.

  Huh? What's that? thought Bob. That attacker...it is not a man...it is a woman!

  There in front of the party stood a raven haried woman. Left arm stretched out with knife in hand, blood dripping, right leg, unclothed, firm, narrow, and tight, outstretch in the opposite direction. Breasts dangling down yet seemingly resistent to gravity. Red silk scarves tied around her waist and strategic placed over her loins. Her eyes grew large and her pale face seem to fall.

  "It worked!" cried out Juan, "It finally work. I can't believe it! I did it!"

  Bob, hands still over his junk, turned his head to the side and looked at Juan and asked, "You?"

  Juan cleared his throat, "Woops! Sorry, Bob. Nice Junk, though. The ladies must love you!"

  Bob's face turned red. "You know there is a battle taking place."

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  The raven haired woman dropped her knife and put her hands over her breasts. Her mouth began to open: What's wrong with you? Do you sexualize everything?

  "Huh?" said Bob.

  Juan smiled a big smile, made a fist and bumped his chest. "I am Juan, follower of St. Peter the Chaste."

  "It is always the chaste, isn't it?" said the raven haired woman. "Grow up. Have a real relationship with a woman, not some fantasy."

  Laughter from above filled the air again.

  Then, there was a streak of gold falling from the sky. Juan looked up. Bob and the raven haired woman, hands still strategically placed, looked up to the sky as well.

  As the streak got close, you could see a gold dragon familiar trying to surpress a laugh with its pointed, webbed hoof over its mouth. It swooped down, grabbed the chest with the sanwhich and the bag of ten gold pieces with its teeth, and flew back up into the air.

  "The chest!" cried out Bob.

  "Yes, the chest," said Juan staring at the hands of the raven haired woman oveer her breasts.

  "No, the chest!" cried Bob.

  "My what?" said the raven haired woman.

  "No! That golden thing took our chest," said Bob.

  "I think it is my chest," said the raven haired woman.

  "It certainly is," said Juan.

  "No!," said Bob, "it is our treasure chest. Well, we did take it from a Crystal Golem but finders keepers."

  "That is some treasure," said Juan.

  "It sure is," said the raven haired woman, "but none that you will ever enjoy!"

  She then lifted her left hand off of her left breast, very briefly exposing a pink nipple, before her right hand covered both her breasts.

  Juan stood there transfixed.

  The raven haired woman walked up to the charmed Juan. Then, she raised her left hand, the one not covering her breasts, and raised her index finger and her middle finger and formed two lines of a triangle and poked Juan's eyes.

  "Ouch! That smarts!" cried out Juan!

  Bob finally got his wits back enough to pull up the trouser part of his armor. He then grabbed the raven haired woman's cloak and walked up to her and handed it to her.

  "Thanks. Now, that is a gentleman," said the raven haired woman.

  While rubbing his eyes, Juan said, "Gentleman? You attacked us first!"

  The raven haired woman finished putting the cloak on, and then replied, "Yeah, I may be a thief and a murder, but I ain't no pervert. That is way worse!"

  Bob bent over Lefty and started bandaging him up. "He's not dead yet!"

  "My friend!" called out Juan. He walked over to Lefty. Then, he bent down on one knee and did some more chanting. Lefty stopped bleading. The color returned to his face.

  Then, Jazz sat up. "Ow! My head! What happened?"

  "This sexy woman," said Jaun, "tried to murder you."

  "I am not sexy," said the raven haired woman, "I'm Dorothy!"

  "Dorothy?" asked Jazz.

  "Dorothy," said the raven haired woman.

  "Dorothy?" asked Bob.

  "Nice to meet you, Dorothy. I am Juan."

  Dorothy looked Juan up and down. Juan's blonde hair floated in the wind. His blue eyes shined. Dorothy's face turned to a smile. "Nice to meet you, Juan. Sorry, if I came on a little strong. I sometimes get that way in battle. No harm intended."

  Juan smiled back at Dorothy. "I don't mind."

  Juan and Dorothyjust looked into each other's eyes.

  "Well, I mind," said, "Jazz. You hit me over the head."

  Bob said, "guys..."

  Dorothy's eyes turned from Juan's. "Err...sorry. It is an occupational hazard."

  "An occuptional hazard?" said Jazz.

  "It is kind of my job," said Dorothy.

  Bob spoke louder, "guys!"

  "I guess it is like what Bob always complains about - an economy based on killung Orcs." said Jazz.

  "I don't kill Orcs," said Dorothy, shaking her head.

  "Oh..." said Jazz, "it is a metaphore for the absurdity of life."

  It is? thought Bob. "Guys! Now is not the time to flirt or philosophize. Something stole our sandwich and bag of gold. What are we going to do now?"

  Juan sighed, "We never have any fun!"

  "Yeah, I got stabbed. That is not exactly what I call fun," said Lefty.

  "I already said I was sorry," said Dorothy.

  "I think you apologized to Jazz," said Lefty, rubbing his side.

  "Wait! You perverts kept a sandwich in a treasure box. Why did you do that?" asked Dorothy.

  "Oh," said Juan, "the noble's around here are fighting over and trading over these sandwiches and we are trying to figure out the mystery."

  "And, Juan over here," said Bob, "said that there is a halfling baker in this town who makes out of this world sandwiches and he hangs out with a wizard who tells tall tales. We think they may know something about this mystery."

  "I know that halfling," said Dorothy, "He is a master burglar. He makes these special ham sandwhiches. He calls them ham-burglar sandwhiches"

  "Ham-burglar sandwiches?" asked Bob, "that's a new one!"

  "Yes," said Dorothy, " and he makes special sandwhiches for royalty, which he calls 'chef royale.' I can introduce you."

  "We lost all our money," said Bob, "what are we going to do?"

  A small, yellow haired dog, started to rub his head against Dorothy's well-shpaed legs.

  "Who's that?" asked Juan.

  "Jealous?" asked Dorothy, "it is my familiar, Rosanna. She must have hid during the battle."

  "We can make a deal with you," said Lefty. "We will forget about you murdering us if you can help us get ten gold pieces so we can ask the halfling about the sandwiches and the wizard about our fatal flaws. I, myself, like to work within the shadows. But, I have a dream of being a legitimate business person. We think the wizard can help us. Maybe, he can help you, too. There must be something you are looking for in this world?"

  "Yes," said Dorothy, somewhat lost in thought, "I, too, feel unsatisfied, though I do not know what to scratch. I have always had this vague sense that this town was too small for me. That somewhere out there, there was a better life for me. Maybe, I will join you."

  "Good," said the bandaged up Lefty, "We are off to see the halfling and the wizard!"