Disclaimer: If you recognise it, surprise, I don't own it.
Chapter 49- 5 D's.
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So, here we are, later in the day, the sun has set, and I am waiting in my office. My office that is that room at the top of the stairs at the back of the Defence Against The Dark Arts classroom. And why am I here, at this time, just waiting, when I could be in my room practising magic or just doing something much more enjoyable than this. Well, that is because I was given an important duty by Professor Minerva McGonagall.
You see, tonight was the night that Harry Potter and Ron Weasley would be serving their detention, which they received for flying a magic blue car from London to Scotland. Now, while Ron Weasley would be with Argus Filch tonight, polishing trophies or something, the Scottish teacher asked for me to take Harry for his detention. I asked her why the boys couldn't have done it together with Filch, but she didn't want them to do their punishment together. Which is why I am here waiting for Harry to turn up.
It was five minutes to eight when, finally, there was a knock on my door. I flicked my wand, and the door flew open at once. I beamed down at the raven-haired boy whose fist was still raised to rap on the door and was looking at me with worry in his eyes.
"Ah, here's the scalawag!" I said. "Come in, Harry, come in!" I could see him looking around my room with curiosity. Shining brightly on the blue-painted walls by the light of many candles were countless framed newspapers and awards of mine. I couldn't just have a plain office, could I, and I also couldn't have posters of my favourite shows and stuff either. Instead, I put up accolades, which should fit my image well enough. The thing that made me most proud was the newspaper praising the greatest broom to ever be made, the Firebolt, and it being credited as my product.
"You can address the envelopes!" I told Harry, as though this was a great honour, that he would be answering my fan mail tonight. To be honest, I hadn't expected to be in charge of this, but when it was asked of me, I remembered that this is what Lockhart did in the movies, so I decided on it as well. I had stopped really paying attention to my fan mail, having ignored it after the first time I looked at it.
I looked at it the first time, expecting to get some... ahem, saucier mail, but nothing of the sort. There was some suggestion in there and all that, but not any moving pictures like I expected. I don't think it has yet crossed anyone's mind that they could take moving pictures of themselves to share with others. Or they just can't trust owls to deliver the goods. Either way, I ignored the mail until now and just stored it all. Andromeda had just sent a big sack over on my request earlier today.
"This first one's to Gladys Gudgeon, bless her. She is a huge fan of mine." She has great tits and a bouncy ass, I had quite a good time with her, but she is very clingy. She is also a bit of a prude, sticking to the ordinary stuff, but it wasn't too hard to talk her into doing more. Anyway, I handed the sack over and told him to get to work. I wasn't worried about any nasty surprises. After all, all of my fan mail is delivered by a certain owl company, which screens the mail for me, and anything that has more than a letter is clearly labelled. So Harry won't be getting panties, or something flashed at him when he opens one.
The minutes snailed by. Harry slowly read my mail and then wrote back using the perfunctory method I had laid out for him. Starting by apologising for the delay and stating how busy I am, and then responding to their contents. Basically, repeating the same things back and then asking a question before signing it off. We sat in silence, Harry responding to the letters, only interacting with me when moving a letter over for me to sign. Lockheart of old was a clever guy and had already come up with a spell to sign his signature, and so all I had to do was wave my wand.
The candles burned lower and lower, making the light dance over us as we continued the same repetitive actions. Well, on the outside, at least. I was safely at home in my mind, watching episodes of Friends from my memories. Hmm, the show starts for real in a few years, so maybe I can go and view it live. I would love to meet Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox, for real.
Hearing a cough beside me, I looked at Harry, who was moving his aching hand over what felt like the thousandth envelope, writing out Veronica Smethley's address. Yeah, she was a good time as well. Harry clearly was not having a good time, looking very miserable and wishing for the detention to be over.
And then he jolted, looking around as if he heard something. Something quite apart from the spitting of the dying candles and the sound of quill against paper. Curios, I helped myself to his mind and his current thoughts, and I could hear what he could. It was a voice, a voice to chill the bone marrow, a voice of breathtaking, ice-cold venom.
"Come ... come to me... Let me rip you... Let me tear you... Let me kill you..." Harry gave a huge jump, and a large lilac blot appeared on Veronica Smethley's return letter. I didn't much care, more concerned with what I just heard and what I am sure was a thousand-year-old Basalisk currently on the loose.
"What?" Harry said loudly, bringing me back to reality, and I looked at him in confusion.
"What?" I questioned. "I didn't say anything... Are you okay, Harry? You don't need to go and see Madam Pomfrey, do you? You are looking a bit pale." He was certainly white, with some sweat dripping down his brow.
"No," said Harry frantically. "That voice!"
"Sorry?" I said, looking puzzled. "What voice?"
"That- that voice that said... didn't you hear it?" I looked at Harry with high astonishment, making it clear I thought he was nuts.
"What are you talking about, Harry? Perhaps you're getting a little drowsy? And wow, would you look at the time! We've been here nearly four hours! I would never have believed it. The time's flown, hasn't it?" Harry didn't answer me, more focused on straining his ears to hear the voice again, but I didn't care about that. I quickly shooed him out, not wanting to deal with him anymore. Especially now that I know that damn snake is on the loose, and it isn't even Halloween yet when the first attack was supposed to take place.
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The fact that the snake was already roaming around the castle had thrown me for a loop. I was prepared to start going to bed early, before the sun went down, beginning on Halloween. But now, Tom Riddle already has that thing roaming around the castle. I still think he plans for the first petrification/death to be on Halloween, but that makes me wonder what the hell he is doing with the snake right now. Just mapping out all the possible paths? Doing some exploring? Shit, who knows.
Getting out my wand, I quickly checked my defences on my home for the next year and set up some more on top of that before returning to my room. Sitting down on my bed, I quickly reach into my suitcase and bring out some of the good stuff. I had prepared this before the year started, knowing I would need some to deal with all the shit this year. I mean, how else would I be able to relax and go to bed with a giant snake?
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October arrived, spreading a damp chill over the grounds and into the castle. I had been teaching for a month now, and things were pretty dull. In fact, Hogwarts, as a whole, was pretty boring. Madam Pomfrey, the nurse, was kept busy by a sudden spate of colds among the staff and students. Her Pepperup potion worked instantly, though it left the drinker smoking at the ears for several hours afterwards. It was a surprise the first time I saw a Weasley with steam pouring from their ears under their vivid hair, which gave the impression that their whole head was on fire. George and Fred had the most fun with this, and they also broke a cabinet this month while fooling around.
Raindrops the size of bullets thundered on the castle windows for days on end. The lake rose, the flower beds turned into muddy streams, and Hagrid's pumpkins swelled to the size of garden sheds. Jolly old England, ey? And yeah, just as you would expect of a school, these kids started pissing me off quite quickly. The lustre had washed off, and I no longer got amused by Draco being a dramatic little bitch, or Hermione raising her hand, or Ron being an idiot. Harry actually was my favourite because he tried to avoid me as much as possible, which meant he left me alone, which I wanted.
It was only the drinking I did in the evening and the copious amounts of weed I was puffing that was helping me through these boring days. Of course, with magic and spells, I didn't have any incidents and could bring myself back to full awareness quite easily. However, I did still go to my classes with a little buzz. But I was still reaching the point of breaking. I am very much not enjoying my life right now, and I really need to go find a woman for some stress release, but it only helps for a few hours or so.
Like, really? What the hell was I doing? I was trying to follow Canon and not mess anything up, but it was not fun in the least, and I am just going through the motions. Every time one of these kids says something or pissed me off, I have to stop myself from doing what I would normally do. Hell, I find myself only going to my classes and the great hall, and that is it. I feel like a mouse trapped in this brick cage, and I have had enough. I don't care about Canon anymore. Well, I do, but not to the point of being anal.
I will stay out of the way of the big things, like the Basilisk victims and big Voldemort stuff, but other than that, all hands are off the table. I no longer care if me calling Ron a dopey little cunt is going to have an adverse effect on him and affect the end of the story. I don't care about if me banging Percy Wealey's girlfriend is going to make him give up on his career in the ministry. And I don't give a shit if me showing my prowess and not laying low gets me undue attention because I want to fucking live and enjoy myself.
And that is why I have planned out my next Defence Against The Dark Arts lesson for the second year. Because I have decided to take it out on these shitty kids. I am going to have some fun at their expense. Those girls in my class are probably going to stop liking me so much after this.
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"Alright, welcome to today's Defence Against The Dark Arts class. I am glad to see everyone has already settled in." I say after exiting my office and standing at the top of the stairs as I look out at my students, all already seated and with their books out, ready to learn. "Pack your stuff away and then follow me. We are having a fun lesson today!" I shout with enthusiasm, smiling down at all the kids.
I hear some groans in the crowd, mainly from Hermione and the Ravenclaws, as they start to pack away their books. Meanwhile, with some pumping their fists, the other kids let out a silent cheer, excited to not have to do any theoretical learning today. Well, I am sure they won't be quite so happy in a bit when their bodies are hurting from the pain I am going to subject them to. Or, to be more accurate, make them subject to each other.
"Alright, kids, follow me," I say with zeal, opening the door and trotting out. I hear the kids following along behind me, and I trust the last one to be clever enough to shut the door, though it doesn't really matter. My office and room are tightly locked up. Plus, who would even want to go into the classroom? There is nothing valuable in there.
"Uh, Proffessor Lockhart... What are we doing? Where are we going?" Hermione, the curious, sides up to me and asks her first questions, and I know the second I answer that, she will pop out with four more. Like a hydra, answer a question and get two more. "All in due time, my inquisitive student. Just follow along." I say and henceforth ignore her presence. Thankfully, she gets the hint after a while and slips back to hang with her two friends.
Walking out of the castle, we keep walking until I have led them all out to a big open field next to the castle with nothing around to get in our way. I come to a stop here, and all the children halt as well, looking around in confusion at what we might be doing here. Hermione raises her hand for some reason, but I just ignore it and pull out my own wand so I can get to work.
I start by transforming the ground into wood, the same type you find in school gyms all over the world. Once that was done, I raised walls up high around the wood floors and made them into green gates, the cross-wired type, with holes just big enough to get a tennis ball stuck in them. The type you see on outdoor courts. That is right. I just made an outdoor court because it was time to get physical. Let's get physical, physical, we gotta get physical.
"Ah, professor? Are we going to be playing football?" Dean Thomas asks, looking at the court with excitement. I guess this kid really likes football. I have seen him on the weekends, sometimes wearing an Aston Villa football shirt. But unluckily for him, we are definitely going to be using our hands. Reaching into my robe pockets, I pull out 6 small little orange balls the size of marbles.
"We are going to play a sport, but we aren't going to be using our feet." I throw the balls forth onto the court and then wave my wand at them, causing them to grow bigger before bouncing on the floor and going all over the place. "Dodgeballs?" Hermione questions, and I smile.
"Indeed. You see, as much as learning spells and getting good at casting can help you defend and save yourself. That is only half of the equation." I start, turning around to address all of the students. "You see, dodging can save your life just as much, if not even more so than a shield spell. It's quicker to evade than to cast, and that is why we are going to play dodgeball!" I smile.
While some of them seemed excited to do this, the majority of them didn't look at all happy. Especially when I directed them to take off their robes and leave them and their bags on the side along with their wands. Some of these kids legit thought they would be using their wands here and looked angry when I told them no. I then sorted the groups into their houses and got them ready for their first game.
"Alright, now remember the five D's of Dodgeball. Dodge, Duck, Dip Dive and Dodge." I inform them, and Hermione can't contain herself. "Uh, you mentioned dodge twice, professor..." I use my wand to set all of the balls in the middle of the court and then make sure the Gryffindors and the Slytherins are on their lines since they will be having a match first.
"Alright, begin!" I shout, sending a Verdimillious charm up into the air, the green orb exploding to signal the start of the match... and then chaos ensues. Obviously, that didn't go well, which was just what I wanted. I mean, I am sure they are learning from this, but it is also fun to see them get hit in the face, and if I slyly use my wand to help the ball hit the target, well, they don't know.
After that match, I have each house face the other three, and, predictably, the results are obvious. Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws do not perform well, while the Gryfindors and Slytherins are the most competitive and vicious. It is obvious after that that I have to split them all up to see some more fair matches.
And so, I conjure up a trilby hat on my head, which I take off and fill with four different colours: red, green, yellow and blue. With this, all the kids pick from it and are split up into different teams. Harry and Malfoy are on the same team. I definitely did not have anything to do with that... at all.
The game ensues, and Harry and Malfoy are continuously getting in each other's way, making this entertaining for me. Harry gets very angry when Draco blasts Hermione in the face. I myself feel a bit bad hearing her cry out in pain, but then I remember how annoying she can get with her questions.
Ron retaliates by trying to get Draco back and nail him in the face with a ball, but he ends up hitting Harry in the face, sending his glasses flying. I am pretty sure that they are broken. Harry then joins Hermione and sits on the side, chatting while Ron and Draco lead their respective teams against each other. Hermione does a Reparo on his glasses, fixing them for him. Honestly, I ship it. Better than Ron and Hermione anyway, and I will never understand the Dramione crap, let alone Drarry or the worse things.
I shake my head to forget about all of that stuff and enjoy myself watching the games. Soon, students who have free time come and watch the spectacle and start to cheer and boo them on. I think I may have started a new fad or something because people are really enjoying this.