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Chapter 33– No Trauma, No Problem.
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Opening my eyes, I find myself staring up at the ceiling of my home. Blinking rapidly, I am once more aware of myself. And then, my finger twitches and I realise that I can move. It is familiar, and yet so strange and weird, having spent what seems like forever having to just have no control and watching that incident again and again. Using my hands, I push myself up till my upper body is parallel with the ground. Looking around, I quickly notice the absolute mess that is my home.
There is puke, vomit and bile all over the place, and it is not a pretty sight. I am just glad I had the foresight to move away from all that, especially given that I am completely and utterly naked now. I guess in my previous panic and confusion, I ended up taking off my underwear with my red robe and throwing it away. Whatever, first things first, I need to sort this mess of an apartment out now.
I work myself up to my feet, and then I go to pick up my wand, and my hand touches naked flesh. Which is when I am reminded that my wand is in my robes, which I threw away, which, if I recall correctly, should be over there somewhere near the kitchen counter. Manouevering myself over there, I am very careful to not step in any of the filth that cakes the floor of my home.
Now that I think about it, I stink, I am hungry, and my throat is raw as shit. Insert customary Gordon Ramsey cooking meme where the meat is fucking raw. Damn, is that guy even alive right now? He must be young, right? Fuck, I should totally go out there and find him and then just have fun complaining about his meal. You fucking donkey! That would be hilarious.
Anyway, I finally sidestep all of my own mess, and I finally spot my bundle of red robes on the floor behind my kitchen counter. Walking up to it, I sort through the clothes, and though I try my best, I do get some sick on my hands since the clothes are nearly entirely covered by the stuff. When I do finally manage to source my wand from out of there, I thank all the divine beings that be when I discover it to be unsullied by my own internal juices.
Just for extra measure, though, I immediately use my first spell with the wand to clean the wand itself. With that done, I then turn my attention to everything else within my home that has actually been sullied by my own internal juices. Seeing the amount splattered all over the place, even on the walls, because I just had to throw my sick-covered robes across the rooms, I decided dire measures were needed.
Lifting my wand, I point it forward, and I will for the entirety of my home to be clean. There is now wish, or hope, just pure will that it will happen, that it is reality. And then, a moment later, everything smells so different. I must have been lying there for a long time for that smell to have become standard and for my nose to have gotten used to it. Because right now, it feels like I have never had nostrils before, and I just grew them and smelled for the first time. That is how stark the difference is.
Looking around, I can see that my home is back to how it should be, and I take satisfaction in it. Seeing the bundle of clothes on the floor, though they have also been cleaned, mire the clean sight of my apartment. And even though I am still naked, I don't particularly feel like wearing them, even if they are clean. The image of them covered in vomit is still fresh in my mind. No, thank you.
I start walking over towards my bedroom to put these away and find something else to wear, and I think about what I am going to do next. First of all, I need to check and see if my exposure therapy actually worked, and if not, then I am going to be a very pissed-off man. I went through a fucking lot of repetitions of that scene to the point where I got bored watching it. I am a completely changed man now, and if this didn't pan out like I thought it would, then I will go ape shit.
Oh, wait. Would you look at that? I am carrying my robes. The red robes that previously triggered me and made me puke up all over the place. And now, I didn't even acknowledge it and completely missed it as I did my own shit. Well, shit, at least the colour red isn't going to fuck me up anymore. That's good. All that fucked up watch along was worth it. I am definitely different now, but who's to say whether that is a bad thing.
At least it is not like before, when I became a completely different person because I removed so many things. I didn't even add anything this time, either. I am still me, except I have just had an experience and gone through something. It's like a life-changing experience. Like when people say they went to Thailand and said the sight and scenery were amazing, and it really changed them when it was really the transvestites, and they came back knowing just how not straight they are.
It's the same way for me. I went down memory lane and watched the worst thing I have ever seen on repeat until it didn't bother me anymore. Definitely over a thousand times. And then I came back, and I am a little more fucked up and sociopathic than before, but I am also fully functional. Mostly. End of story. Is this what they call character development? In my case, it is more like character demolishment. At least, it's not like any of this is going to end up coming back to bite me in the future. Hmm, I also seem to have become more sarcastic. Weird.
Realising that my objective seems to have been completed, I quickly use my wand to send my clothes back to where they belong, more concerned with further tests. Right, so the colour red no longer bothers me, which is excellent. But the colour red was not my phobia, was it? I was only getting screwed up by it because it reminded me of something, and that was blood. So I am fine with red, but am I okay with blood now. I mean, I should be, given that I was probably only a couple dozen more watches from developing a fetish for it.
Still, it is better not to leave things to chance. I don't want to be in the middle of a battle or something and then freeze up when I see a speck of blood. I am not Tsunade. Or even worse, I don't want to start suddenly puking when I take a girl's first time. I have done a few of those so far, and they have been quite fun. Anyway, back to figuring up how fucked I am apart from the obvious.
Putting my forearm out, I move my wand forward and then press the tip to it. I take a moment to wonder if this was something that I might have done before I undertook my murder scene marathon. Obviously, the answer is no. However, I can't really bring myself to care about that before I decide fuck it and just do it. I am not the same little bitch I once was. I'm better now.
"Diffindo." I intone as I calmly move my wand against my skin, cutting it open. Sideways, of course, I am not suicidal. Everyone knows that sideways is for attention, and lengthways is for results. I also spoke the incantation even though I was perfectly capable of casting the spell without it. And that is because I am using it on myself, and speaking the words helps my concentration and focus, which I will definitely take since I am cutting my fucking arm open.
As I draw the line across my forearm, memories rise unbidden, and I feel a strange sense of... something. I can't really pinpoint the word since I am more focused on my arm. Still, the memories are there of the previous times I used this exact same spell with the same purpose in mind. And to think they were all just a few hours ago.
When I first used it, it was to stop Rasputin from leaving, which I did twice. And then I started firing at him, hoping to chop off some parts of him through multiple brick walls, which I managed to do by cutting off a couple of his toes. And then, the final time I used it was to cut his throat open, which turned out to be the cause of a few problems. Not that I regretted it. I don't care that he died. I care that I was affected by it. And now, a couple hours later, here I am using it on myself. Life is funny sometimes.
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I watch as my own lifeblood starts to seep out of my self-inflicted wound, and I don't so much as wince at it. I guess I don't have any trauma anymore. In fact, I would go as far as to say that I don't feel anything at the sight. Using my Occlumency, I separate my pain centres or whatever in my brain so I won't feel any pain, and then I reach forward and put two fingers on either side of the wound before spreading them, giving me a slight look into the inside of my own arm. Yep, don't feel a thing in the slightest.
I think for a moment before letting it go and then putting a finger on my arm to scoop up some blood in my finger, like when you are at Mcdonalds' and you dip a chip into the ketchup and get a lot on there. Damn, McDonald's, I should go get some soon. Anyway, I lift up my blood-covered finger before sticking it in my own mouth and sucking on it. I suck till it is clean before popping it out and looking at my clean wet finger.
Hmm, so I didn't get any pleasure out of that. Good. Alright, so I don't feel anything at the sight of the blood, which some could argue as being wrong, but I don't see it. And I don't derive any pleasure or find the blood interesting or arousing at all. Given that I have seen that scene over a thousand times, I think I came out of it pretty well. I don't have a problem with the blood on either side of the scale. I am right in the middle, where I don't have any reaction to it at all. That's good.
Turning my wand back to my arm, I fire off a quick Episkey that quickly heals the cut up. With that done, I turn back on my pain receptors, and apart from a short burst of heat where my cut was, I don't feel a thing. I am glad I took the time to use my little test dummy, Diggby D Digworth, to test a variety of different spells, such as healing ones, which incidentally means I also got to test out some damaging spells as well.
Episkey was a healing spell meant to just heal minor afflictions and wounds like broken noses, toes and small cuts. Of course, that was just the base use by standard mediocre wizards. Things got bigger the more experienced and skilled you were, such as treating headaches and bigger wounds and other things. I really got my entire worth out of the asshole before I sent him off.
Anyway, with that all sorted, I no longer have anything to do. Before my full vacation down memory lane, I had wanted to go to sleep, but it seemed like my little trip had the benefit of granting me some sleep and rest. So I no longer feel the urge for that. But, with my sleep out of the way, I do feel the massive urge for something else.
Heading towards my wardrobe, I quickly open it and put on some regular muggle clothes. Nothing flashy, just a simple shirt as well as pants along with some boots. I pull out a plain black robe, which I quickly transfigure to look like a regular jacket before putting that on as well. With that all done, I was all ready to hit the town and go out there and get what I wanted. And I won't take no for an answer. Nothing is going to get in the way of me getting what I want.
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Well, I got what I wanted, alright. That Mccdonalds was fucking delicious. Damn, I can't believe I was thinking of going to eat food from a young inexperienced Gordon Ramsey when I could be having this stuff fast. And with magic, I don't have to worry about eating too much. My magic will take care of it. I really should find a way to bring this stuff into the wizarding world under a different name, of course. Otherwise, the Pure Bloods would boycott it. I would make a serious killing if I did. Just think about it: a Gilderoys in every magical community on the Earth.
Anyway, with one of my urges now satisfied, I am on the hunt to have another taken care of. And while I do have a veritable catalogue of options more than willing to join me, I don't want any of that. I am looking for something different tonight. Plus, I plan on getting piss drunk tonight and forgetting about all my worries. No stressing about plans and future and the cannon or whatever, just going and getting drunk and making a few probably bad decisions. I need some stress relief.
This is why I am heading towards the three broomsticks in the middle of the night, planning on getting drunk and bedded. I am looking for a companion and some fun. Opening the door, I move inside, heading straight for the bar. I am expecting a cheer or a wave of supporters to come and rush me for an autograph or just to talk, but that doesn't happen. I guess the previous times I came here, it was during the busy hours, and the only people here right now are drunkards and people drowning in their sorrows.
Really downs my mood, and there doesn't even seem to be any woman here. I look around the room, trying to spot any at all. Still, there are none, just a bunch of guys around the room and a couple of hooded people spread around the room, but given their lack of curves, I am not holding out any hope. The atmosphere is so down that I half contemplate just hightailing it out of here and hitting a muggle bar and one of my booty calls, but I stop myself.
I did come here with a specific goal in mind, after all, and it is something I have had my eye on for quite a while. Moving straight towards the bar, I don't pay any more attention to the others in the room. My robe billows as I proceed with purpose, having undone the transfiguration that made it appear to be a jacket since I am now back in the magical world, and there would be some that would scoff at the fashion.
"Oh, well, there is a face I haven't seen in a while. Gilderoy, how had my favourite author been?" I hear a melodious voice speak up as I near the bar; my eyes shoot to her in anticipation. And I am not disappointed. A vision of beauty stands before me behind the bar, calmly cleaning a mug with a beautiful smile on her face. She is dressed as you would expect a barmaid and proprietress to be, with a pretty dress and a corset showing off her slim waist and boosting up those bodacious juicy melons that are attached to her chest. Like wow, she is at the so big, so tempting point and just below the obscene. How can they be that big? Just perfect.
Her face is flushed, and the blonde twirls of glorious blonde hair frame her perfect face. Her luminous curls are long enough to come down past her neck and rest on the top of her breasts, which are half-exposed on top. Just two mountains of flesh standing proudly and imperiously, knowing just how good they are. I have to quickly use my Occlumency to stop myself from staring and acting like a fool, failing at my play before I have even opened my mouth.
"Come now, you know as much as I would like to spend every waking moment in your company, I am a busy man. Madam Rosmerta." I say, managing to stop myself from having a brain fart and actually saying something quite good. Has my horror memory experience actually improved my rizz? This needs more testing.
"Haha, yes, you seem to have been very busy. And you are also a lot more eloquent than before. Has something changed, Gilderoy?" Madam Rosmerta enquires with a teasing look, probably just having some banter but having no idea how close she is. Is she so familiar with all of her patrons that she can pick up on stuff like that, even if she doesn't particularly care?
"Ha, well, I am sure you will be seeing that same version of me later on tonight. I dare say I will be even less eloquent than I was before with the amount I am going to be drinking tonight. A fire whiskey to start off." I say, taking a seat at the bar and, placing the money on the bar and throwing a particularly dashing smile at her, though I don't use the customary sparkling teeth charm. I have a feeling she has seen it before, probably many a time, and never fallen for it before. She doesn't strike me as one of the braindead witches I regularly find myself encountering.
"Well then, I will gladly profit off of your future state. Have a good night, Gilderoy." She says, placing the drink in front of me before swiping up the money and turning around. I find myself stunned, not having expected her to just say goodnight and turn around to leave. What is she going to do about all of us here? She's just going to leave and let the rest of us stay here drinking while she turns in for the night.
"You're going? Won't you stay and keep me company? Alcohol does taste better when you have a beautiful woman to keep you company." I ask, trying a last-ditch attempt to get her to stay so I can work my magic and seduce her. Except, she must have heard such words so many times before. And she is so attractive, constantly serving drunk people, that she knows how to deal with such situations.
"Sorry, honey. But I need to sleep at some point. You know the drill, just place the money on the bar and ask for the drink you want, and Spinky will give it to you. Night, darling." She says, waving over her shoulder as she enters a back door and escapes from my sight. Well, that was a bust. And now a house elf is serving, like I am going to stick around for that. I'll finish this drink and then go look for the company I do so seek elsewhere.
"C-Can I join you, Mr Lockhart... sir." I hear beside me and look to the side to find a pretty young blonde woman standing there, looking like she is about to faint from nervousness. Hmm, now that I look at her, she seems to look quite a lot like Madam Rosmerta, including the boobs, though there are a few differences here and there. Looks like I won't be leaving just yet. Though I swear there were no women inside apart from MAdam Rosmerta, and I didn't hear the bell on the front door chime to say someone entered. Hmm, I must have missed it.
"Of course, I can't turn down a pretty lady. Take a seat." I say, picking up my drink and starting to sip on it. I watch as she awkwardly takes a seat next to me and then holds her hands in her lap. Hmm, she seems to be quite shy and inexperienced for someone who looks like they are in their mid-twenties. Oh well, I like this as well. She looks pretty cute.
"So, what do you want to talk about?" I ask, taking another sip.
"Ah, well, I really like all of your books. But there must be some stories that you haven't been able to write. I would like to know about those... if it's not much trouble, sir." Wow, I like how she calls me sir. Like I have authority, and she is a student seeking guidance from the master.
"Well, you are right. Some of my stories are not suitable for the public's ear, but I suppose I could tell you. Now, when I was in Russia, I came across a dark wizard who I had beaten in an underground duelling competition. Would you like to hear more? Or perhaps a different story?" I say, unashamedly altering the events that had only happened a few hours ago.
"Please, continue. I would love to know what happens next." She says, her face red as she wiggles on her chair in anticipation. Yes, I do like where this is going. I need another drink.
"Spinky, another one. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Afterwards, he sought me out and tried to murder me for winning the duel. Of course, I wasn't going to just take that..." I idly place the money on the counter and pick up my new drink as I continue to narrate. She is hanging on my every word.
I am definitely going to be taking her home with me tonight. She seems to be a virgin as well, given how she is acting. I am glad I got rid of my trauma.