“I’m going to bed.” Lorsan huffed as he split away from them in the third floor hallway.

“It’s eight o’clock,” Agalon argued, “Wouldn’t you like to-”

“Goin to bed,” Lorsan repeated, opened one of the many doors in the hall, and slammed it behind him so hard it rattled the portraits that lined the walls.

“Alright then!” Agalon shouted to the closed door, “Goodnight!”

He did not seem particularly shocked when he received no answer, and Xac cuddled more fiercely into his side.

“That boy will be the death of me,” Agalon murmured as he opened the door to the sitting room and led Xac inside.

“Don’t be sad, master,” Xac begged, “I think he just misses his daddy. When he got here, before you did, he talked about you so much!”

This wasn’t exactly a lie, but it did not exactly convey the truth.

“That boy can’t miss nobody,” Agalon said as he situated Xac on the sofa, “He don’t care about nobody but himself.”

He went into the hall, likely to ring for someone to bring them some alcohol, and Xac pondered his words. He had seemed so sure, but it was exactly the same thing Lorry had said about him. They didn’t understand each other, and if Xac had thought it was any of his business he would have said as much. But it wasn’t his business; he was in the business of surviving. So instead he thought of his mother, how it was the first time he had seen her in so long, but she looked fine, and now she knew that he was still alright, still alive, still healthy, and hopefully she thought he looked much better than he had on the fields. He had to look a little different, didn’t he? He had been surrounded by all these pretty things that Agalon owned for so long that he had to be at least in the process of becoming one of them.

Agalon came back without a slave, which wasn’t what Xac had expected- he had thought he would see Jimmy or Lee- but he didn’t think about it. He was trying to learn how to prevent himself from thinking about anything. Instead he smiled and watched Agalon set the two bottles of wine he had brought with him, and the two glasses, on the coffee table, and leaned back into the sofa to watch him pop the cork on one and pour their drinks.

He took the glass he had been offered and sipped it.

Agalon drained his in a single long drink, leaning back to do so, then leaned forward to refill it.

“He reminds me of his mother,” Agalon snarled, “She was always right disagreeable. That’s what happens if you date high-ranking officers. At least he got a hell of an inheritance. I thought maybe the military academy would beat that big head out of him, but there’s some people I guess you can’t beat sense into. That bitch really got her claws in him.”

“I’m sorry, master,” Xac cuddled into his side.

“He’s got a good head on his shoulders,” Agalon continued, “He’d be alright if we could get rid of the meanness.”

Xac didn’t like the energy in the room, the way the anger seethed out of Agalon and hung in the air. He wished Lorsan would go back to wherever he came from, and then everything would be alright again.

“Is he gonna come back?” Xac asked, “When you go to work tomorrow and I’m all alone?”

Agalon snarled at the question, as if he hadn’t thought of the possibility, but now that the seed had been planted it filled him with rage.

“Don’t listen to him, darlin,” Agalon warned, “Don’t let him put stupid shit in your head. He wants to be a vet, but he ain’t got the temperment for it. At least not for humans; he scares y’all to death. You ain’t the only one he treats like that. I’ve caught him screamin at humans before. I want him to make somethin of himself, but he’s gonna have to get over that.”

Xac nodded.

“He told me really scary stories,” Xac said, “About places with fire and water, places that sound awful. He said that’s where you got them medals in the curio cabinet, and it’s where they send people to die. You ain’t gonna die are you? You ain’t gonna go nowhere like that?”

He climbed to his knees and made his eyes as big as he could. It was getting easier and easier to cry when he wanted to; he just thought of the look on his mother’s face when she had seen him, the misting of her eyes, the taste of her cornbread.

“He told you…” Agalon slammed the glass onto the coffee table and kept that posture for much longer than Xac expected, seething. “I ain’t… I can’t deal with this tonight.” He picked up the bottle and refilled his glass, “I ain’t doin it. How much is somebody supposed to take?”

“I’m sorry, master,” Xac said.

Agalon threw back the second glass, and Xac thought that he didn’t normally see him drink so much so quickly.

“Almanac says it’s three days till the full moons,” Agalon said as he refilled his glass.

“That sounds about right,” Xac said chipperly, “I’ve always been scared to shift, but you ain’t scared at all! It makes me so happy! Nobody’s ever been happy about it before!”

“I’m real excited about it, Honey Bunny,” Agalon smiled, leaned toward him and cupped his face. “I can’t wait to see what happens.”

Xaxac giggled and took another sip of his wine, then shrugged and reasoned that if Agalon was going to get full blow drunk, so was he.

“You’re so cute,” Agalon said.

“Thanks,” Xac said leaning into the touch, “Can I sit in your lap? I wanna cuddle. Everything’s been so loud and… today’s been… a lot.”

Xac threw his head back and took in as big a mouthful of the wine as he could manage, then held out his drink for a refill, but it never came. Instead, Agalon stood and scooped him up in his arms. Xac leaned into his chest and snuggled his face against the fabric there.

“I love you,” Xac said because Agalon still had a strange air about him that he thought was fueled by his bad mood, and it usually made him happy to hear Xac say he loved him.

“I’m glad somebody does,” Agalon tightened his grip and Xac threw his arms around his neck to hug him back.

“I’m really happy here,” Xac said, “I’m sorry I got scared and cried. I won’t let him get to me again. He’s your boy, so I should love him, too.”

“That ain’t your fault,” Agalon said as he carried Xac to the bedroom, “It’s his. I’ll put a stop to it. Don’t you worry about it. You just relax. Let’s forget about everythin that went wrong today and turn this into a good night.”

“Ok!” Xac giggled as Agalon tossed him onto the bed and he bounced, “Can we keep drinkin though? I wanna be drunk.”

“In a little bit,” Agalon promised as he began to strip out of his uniform, “When we’re done, we’ll both get shitfaced and see what the hell happens.”

Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.

“Yay!” Xac cheered and climbed to his knees.

“Let’s get you outta them clothes, Honey Bunny,” Agalon said as he tossed his jacked over the back of the vanity chair. “You can get absolutely wasted after this, but I want you to have your wits about your for the next little bit. You oughta be able to remember this forever.”

Xac thought Agalon was a little drunk; his eyes looked strange, the pupils were so blown open it made the irises very small, but the tiny green slits vibrated in the white expanse. Xac felt the strange sense of negativity fall over him and hated it. He wasn’t going to let it ruin his night, wasn’t going to give in to it. He had a right to be happy for five goddamn minutes, and he was going to take it. He was sick of things trying to cause him trouble. He wasn’t even interested in identifying it anymore, he just wanted it gone. He wondered briefly if maybe he could have it beaten out of him, while he was standing to tug off his pants and toss them on the floor with the rest of his clothes.

“This is shaping up to be a very special night for you, Honey Bunny,” Agalon said as he opened the drawer on his nightstand and pulled out the little bottle he had used the night before. “Just relax, enjoy yourself.”

Exactly. Relax, enjoy yourself.

Smile. Look pretty. Do as little as possible. Just tell him ‘alright’. Do everything he says.

“Alright,” Xac smiled as he climbed back onto the bed.

“Let’s ‘double down on the beastiality’,” Agalon snarled, then caught himself, smiled and said, “Do me a favor, darlin. Get on your hands and knees, like last night.”

Xac moved to obey him, but before he could Agalon reached out, tangled his hand in that soft, fluffy hair, and pulled Xac up until he was standing on his knees, then leaned in and kissed him so hard it knocked the air from his lungs.

He was lightheaded when Agalon released him, and had to fight to remember the instructions he had been given. As he tried to catch himself, tried to right himself and take the position he had been told to take, he caught a glimpse of the paintings of flowers on the opposite wall.

Five pedals on each flower.

He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me.

Xac positioned himself on his hands and knees facing the headboard and smiled. He wasn’t thinking about anything, because he was getting better at not thinking. He was getting better at not asking questions. He was getting better.

It was exactly like last night at first, and it felt so good it was incredibly easy not to think; he didn’t even have to try. As whatever Agalon did brought those bolts of white hot electricity over him he couldn’t have thought if he had tried. He wanted to preserve the sensation, to live in it, this blank, happy space where nothing mattered and everything was alright, where someone else was focused on him on making him happy. He rarely saw other people anymore, except for Agalon, and Agalon was the only person who had ever made him feel like this. He loved the feeling, so he had to love the man who could make it happen.

But then, very suddenly and with no warning, the feeling stopped, Agalon’s hands had gone away, and Xac hadn’t gotten to experience that floating, that glow that numbed the edge of reality, and he whined at the loss.

“Relax, Honey Bunny,” Agalon whispered, “Stay just like that. Relax. If you don’t relax this can hurt. You’re gonna be sore in the mornin.”

Then he was leaning over him with one hand on the quilt beside Xac’s, and Xac remembered that he had said this same thing the last night, and it hadn’t happened. Agalon didn’t know how strong he was, how resilient. He thought he was a fragile little bunny who frightened easily and came to harm just as easily. Let him think that.

Xac was relaxed; he was viciously ignoring anything that would rob him of that relaxation. Whatever that was, it was a problem for future Xaxac, and fuck that guy. This moment was all that mattered, and he wasn’t going to ruin it.

It didn’t hurt, not really. It was just new. Everything was slippery and warm, and wasn’t having the same effect it did before, but it made Agalon happy, because he was making all sorts of happy sounds and had moved back to his knees, had removed the comforting weight Xac had felt on his back, and now both hands were on his waist as Xac clung to the quilt and tried not to think, just to feel, with great success.

He liked it, and he was allowed to be happy.

He was allowed to like the person who made him happy.

Everything was fine, so he smiled, closed his eyes, and relaxed.

Agalon had stopped moving forward, but he tightened his grip on Xac’s waist and asked, “How are you feelin, Honey Bunny?”

“Good,” Xac said, because he was having difficulty pulling up complex thoughts. He had gotten much better at not thinking, not asking questions, even though if he had scratched the surface of the feeling he had buried, he had a million questions that would have come pouring out.

“You sure?” Agalon asked, “You ain’t… squirmin or nothin. You alive?”

Lorsan had asked him this, but Xac ignored that memory.

“Uh-huh,” He said, “I can squirm if you want. I was tryin to relax.”

“Didn’t rip…” Agalon muttered to himself, almost too quietly for Xac to hear. There was mirth in his voice when he continued, “Well, Honey Bunny, this is the part you’re gonna like.”

He was right.

Xaxac was in a haze as he stared at the ceiling, and he had no desire to come out of it. He knew that Agalon was sitting in the bed beside him, maybe watching him, though Xac heard the bedside drawer open and close again, heard a match strike, then smelled the earthy scent of tobacco that reminded him of his father smoking by the fireside as he told stories. He hoped his mother would tell him that she had learned Xaxac was alright.

“You done this before?” Agalon asked.

Xac shook his head.

“You ain’t in trouble,” Agalon said, “Tell me the truth.”

Xac shook his head again, then slowly turned it to look up at Agalon, who was staring down at him as if he was the most interesting thing in the world, as if he was a puzzle meant to be figured out.

“I ain’t never seen nobody do that before,” Xac said, “But I’d sure do it again.”

Agalon made a sort of humming noise that Xac could not interpret in any meaningful way, then took another long drag from the cigarette he held.

“You’re goddamn good at it to have never done it before,” he said after a beat, “But I believe you.”

“You said I was made for it,” Xac had to try as hard as he could to push himself up against the headboard, to a sitting position. “Can I have a glass of wine? You said we could get shitfaced.”

“Shifters heal…” Agalon said, more to himself than Xac, “They’re supposed to be stronger, more flexible than other humans… and they heal.”

“Really?” Xac asked, getting a little worried that Agalon was still staring off into space and hadn’t looked at him, “Neat. That makes sense. I always healed pretty quick.”

“You were made for this,” Agalon said without looking at him, “Goddamn.”

Xac cuddled into his side and Agalon finally looked down at him and wrapped one arm around him.

“Sure, yeah,” Agalon said, “I’ll get us somethin to drink. You stay right where you’re at.” The way he looked at him was strange, still with that genuine curiosity, as if Xac were somehow a great mystery or vastly important, and Xac thought that he rather liked being looked at like that.

“Let me ask you somethin,” Agalon said as he studied him, “You happy, Honey Bunny?”

“So happy!” Xac said with a smile, “I love it here! I wanna do that again, but while I’m drunk. I love you!”

Agalon finally broke into a real smile and said, “I love you too, Honey Bunny. Here,” he picked a silver cigarette case up off the nightstand, opened it, selected a cigarette, and handed it to Xaxac, “You want a smoke?”

“Ok!” Xac said and leaned into the flame Agalon held for him. He inhaled, as he had seen his father do, and let the flavor dance over his tongue then exhaled the cloud in a long, slow stream.

“You ever smoke before?” Agalon asked him.

“No, but my daddy did,” Xac said conversationally.

“You ain’t coughin,” Agalon observed as Xac took another drag.

Xac exhaled and asked, “Am I supposed to?”

“No,” Agalon said, “No I… I guess you ain’t. I’m gonna run and get our wine. You stay right here, Honey Bunny.”

He kissed Xac on the forehead, stood, and made his way to the sitting room.