My boots squished against the ground as I led the way, Starlight Grace in hand.

Squished.

Like wet sand. Except this wasn’t quite the golden shoreline of my kingdom.

It was a goblin cave.

Despite my soles having stepped on everything which could either bend or groan, I had utterly no idea what this was. All I knew was that it wasn’t the perilously short carpet being constantly rolled and unrolled before me whenever I visited a forgotten part of the kingdom.

And this part was so forgotten it didn’t exist on any map.

Indeed, these caves were recently excavated.

The scars could still be seen. Broken pickaxes, makeshift shovels and spent bottles of something alchemical littered the ground and the sides of the tunnel, waiting for the first person to apologise to me to pick up.

They were the least problematic things.

Bedrolls made of straw and dead things circled around fires long spent, the soot having melted into the ground. Just as concerning were the burlap sacks happily contaminating the walls. Whatever their contents, they were avoided by even the mice which scurried past without pause.

Yes.

Mice.

The heralds of insomnia. The dancers upon the ceiling. The demons of my nightmares.

They’d come sensing a chance to earn that greatest of prizes.

A princess’s scream of terror.

And this time … they may yet succeed.

A dark stream ran beside my footsteps, its song one of sadness as it was filtered away from the bright mountainside it belonged to. Around it, a strange moss grew on the smooth walls, the bristled ends strangling one another like hateful ivy.

Here and there, a shaft of sunlight breached the surface, yet did little other than to remind me of the warmth beyond this prison.

And everywhere I went, the sound of whispering answered.

Small figures with hunger in their eyes and barbs on their tails scuttled where Starlight Grace failed to reach, their steps joined by an indiscernible dripping, echoing like the drool of some unseen monster.

“Uuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnggggghhhh.”

I tightened my grip around my hilt.

Once again, that dreadful groaning reverberated around us. Whether it was near or far, not even Coppelia could tell. And so I betrayed the smallest gulp.

A goblin cave. But not just any.

It was damp, dark and dirty. But it also possessed its own water supply, came fully furnished with discarded … things, and boasted a major town within walking distance.

A hole barely beholden to secrecy, just about hidden away in the mountains, and with easy access to all the amenities one could ever want.

In short … the dream lair of the royal capital’s nobility.

“A horrifying spectacle,” I said as my heart quivered. “I fear we shall not leave here unscathed.”

My loyal handmaiden, ever steadfast in her duties, braved an unconcerned smile as she looked away from the vegetation on the walls. The strands nearest her retreated.

Understandable. If what I feared came to pass, even the walls themselves would wish to hide.

“Oh, because the cave moss has definitely tried to eat us at least twice? … In that case, don’t worry! That just means they’re healthy.”

I shuddered.

Not just decoration, but carnivorous decoration. I could practically hear the salivating. And it wasn’t from the cave moss.

“I’m afraid the vegetation is the least of our problems. A vermin infestation will soon be upon us. The goblins haven’t just carved out a cave. They’ve fashioned it from the minds of the most uninspired. All the lords of my royal capital will be blocking our exit within seconds of the current tenants leaving. We’ll need to force our way out. Their carriages will litter the horizon.”

“I mean, that’s sort of impressive as well.”

“Indeed, I can’t deny their expedience when it comes to either wriggling free of tax obligations or seeing their least impressive dreams come to fruition. It’s what they train ceaselessly for in their cots.”

“They train to block cave exits?”

“Not just a cave. A lair. Ugh. I can hear the hands rubbing gleefully together already. When the next coup planning committee meets, it will be here.”

Coppelia looked thoughtfully around her.

“Hmm … I dunno. I’ve seen better lairs. I like natural lighting. This one is a bit sparse.”

“Exactly. It is dreadful. A place devoid of both light and life. A cave mirroring the halls of the abyss, with ample room to be filled with all the bats, henchmen and tasteless furniture one could desire, fit for only the most vile of schemes and plots to take place.”

“Okay, now you’re selling me. How much for my own?”

“Dignity and pride.”

“Done~!”

I nodded at Coppelia’s enthusiasm.

Her willingness to sacrifice her standing to remove a lair from public availability was notable. But also a burden which she didn’t need to bear.

“Your courage brings a tear to my eye. But I can hardly have you assume such a thankless responsibility. You’d be hounded day and night for the deed to this cave. And that means so would I.”

“In that case, why not just keep it?”

I gasped at the very suggestion.

“We cannot possibly keep it. That’d be awful. Then we’d be known as the royal family who are beloved by all, cherished for our benevolence, famed for our wisdom, envied for our strength … and also the owners of a cave.”

“But it’s yours by default, right? It’s not like anyone can just appear and say it’s theirs. You know. Like you.”

“True. But while nobility cannot click their fingers to requisition it, such an obstacle is less than a bar of soap to them. Don’t underestimate their obstinance. They’ll see my most loyal bureaucrats bribed or threatened until a map is conveniently discovered proving their ancestral claims to this hole.”

I shook my head.

“... No, I’ll need to dispose of it in one way or another. And seeing what I do now, I know it won’t be long before those who come to admire the continent’s most affordable castle also discover the true prize behind it. For the possibility of owning both, my royal capital would be upended of plotters. A holiday Roland deserves, but not if it results in a waterfall of schemes afterwards.”

“Got it! Then there’s only one thing to do.”

Coppelia promptly puffed out her cheeks. I deflated them with a poke.

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“I’m not blowing up a cave.”

“All I’m saying is you’ve blown up a cave before.”

“I have done nothing. And no circumstantial evidence will hold sway over a court of law while I’m standing menacingly over the judge. Besides, loathe as I am to admit this, the cave has value. This region has been known for its silver deposits in the past. The Miner’s Guild might be tempted to purchase it at an inflated cost if further prospecting is a possibility.”

A giggle filled the damp air.

“That’s too practical.”

“Coppelia, how could something be too practical?”

“If it’s too practical, it’s doomed to failure. That’s just how things work.”

I pursed my lips.

There was absolutely no fault with her argument.

“I see … do you have any suggestions?”

“Mmh~ I suggest hoisting it onto a hapless goon instead and seeing what happens. You might be surprised!”

That was absurd ... I wanted to say.

But then again, chaos gardening was also a thing. As impossible as it sounded. A product of too much wine in the Summer Kingdoms, where seeds were tossed without careful thought and left to bloom where they will.

Most resulted in a jungle of weeds, but every now and again, a white peony rose over the vomit of colours and disarray.

“Hmm.” I considered the suggestion with a nod. “Unorthodox, but worthy of consideration. To purposefully offer land to a member of my serving staff would galvanise their work ethics. However, it would also invoke cries of both disbelief and nepotism.”

Coppelia blinked.

“... Is that a bad thing?”

“No, it’s good. But we can do better. Opportunities to earn my nobility’s ire must be fully enjoyed, and few ways are better than a performative gesture of doing things above board. Thus, a cursory sum of say, 1 copper crown, and I shall offer this goblin cave to the most hapless servant in my court. Now with a receipt. The cave would be theirs in perpetuity. Including the litter.”

“What about the loot?”

“Naturally, any valuables squirrelled away by the goblins is reserved for the kingdom.”

“Alrighty! What I hear is that we need to loot everything before the next person does.”

I nodded and smiled, happy she understood.

“Quite so. It’s only prudent that we minimise the work of my inspectors while we’re still here. Indeed, I’ve no doubt that even to their studious eyes, there are treasures expertly hidden amidst the crevasses and gaps. We must ensure that nothing is missed.”

Coppelia raised an arm.

“Question!”

“Go ahead.”

“What do we do about stuff that’s right in front of us?”

“I suppose that depends on what it is.”

“I’m thinking … something that’s so obvious we need to step around it or trip over it.”

“... Such as a suspicious treasure chest?”

“Such as a suspicious treasure chest!”

Our steps came to a halt.

There, in the middle of our path, was indeed something so obvious we needed to step around it or trip over it.

It was as blatant as they came.

A brightly painted treasure chest, red as a premium apple and trimmed in gold.

Lit by its own shaft of daylight, it was harder to miss than all the darkness around it.

For a moment, neither Coppelia nor myself said anything.

We simply stared.

Glossy, reflective, and very large.

An icon of riches. An oddity which stood out as much for its colour scheme as its value. The chest alone was clearly the most expensive thing we’d seen. Untarnished by any dents or scratches, it was formed of smooth, varnished wood with no crude panelling and few visible grains.

I blinked at the unexpected sight.

And then–

“My, how convenient!!” I placed a hand on my cheek, smiling in rare delight. “What do we have here? It seems the goblins have already prepared valuables for easy transportation! What a lucky find!”

“Eeehh?!”

“Come, Coppelia! Let’s assess the value of the free gold inside.”

“Hey! Time out! How can you be concerned about me picking up a cursed sack in a forest, but a suspicious treasure chest in the middle of a goblin cave is okay?!”

In response, I shifted my hand to my lips, barely covering my smile.

“Ohohoho … why, that’s because this isn’t a suspicious treasure chest in a goblin cave. This is the first suspicious treasure chest in a goblin cave.”

Coppelia’s mouth opened, but no words came out.

Indeed, there was little she needed to say.

After all, my loyal handmaiden may be versed in the way of strange and unexplored dwellings … but I was versed in the way of anti-intruder, burglar and vandal design!

Ohoho … that’s right!

I knew how this worked!

Whether it be alchemical flames which were too impractical to use, arrows which were never accurate no matter how many you shot, and … yes, chests drawn to lure the greed of robbers, there was nothing about classical trap design which I myself hadn’t thoroughly discussed on an innocent summer’s outing with my family!

Thus, I offered a smile as bright as the inviting red before us.

“You’ve nothing to fear,” I said confidently. “The first treasure chest always contains free gold.”

“There’s no way this thing has free gold.”

“E-Excuse me! I’ll have you know it exists so that the next treasure chest can thoroughly do its business when all the intruders rush to gather around it, their guards now cruelly lowered! … Besides, I hardly see why your doubts should rise now. As you said, you yourself picked up a cursed sack of gold.”

“Sure, but I was pretty sure I knew what it was. This thing is definitely trapped.”

“It is not. In fact, I’m so certain that I’ll bravely let you open it to find out.”

“Ahaha~ that’s cute. I like that. But this is your cave and your treasure. I can’t take your stuff.”

“Don’t be silly. As my loyal and flame-proof handmaiden, you’re overdue remuneration for your steadfast service. Please consider anything in this not trapped chest as a bonus.”

I paused.

“... I am willing to waive the tax as well.”

“You were going to tax me on treasure?!”

“Everything is taxable. The only things that aren’t are gifts from princesses. Like this.”

“There’s no way this thing doesn’t explode.”

“Please, it’s the first chest. The first chest never explodes. To do so would be beyond unseemly.”

“Exactly. And that’s hilarious.”

I pursed my lips, realising once again that decorum only existed in the outside world to be blown up.

… Even so!

“Coppelia, we can hardly just ignore it.”

“I think we can. Look, we can just step around it. Easy!”

“Easy until we’re drowning in regret. It’s far too close to the entrance. If we leave it be, all the layabouts in the guild will be drawn here like sunlight to my smile. We’re trying to evict an adventurer, not entice more. One of us has to open it.”

For a moment, Coppelia and I only stared at the waiting chest.

And then–

“Rock, paper, scissors, go!!”

I looked down at my small fist, as crushed by Coppelia’s palm as my optimism for a first victory.

“Oho … ohoho ... v-very well, then! Just this once, I shall prove to you that the first chest is always free!”

“Yay~”

Coppelia beamed with anticipation as she stood far away. Her joyful expression turned to slight puzzlement when she saw me opening the chest in a roundabout fashion.

Namely, by pushing it away.

“Uff … hrghh … hnnghh …”

“... Eh? Aren’t you going to open it?”

“Hm?” I glanced behind, ignoring the bead of sweat running past my smile. “Oh, this? Why, I am. It’s just that in the impossible chance it’s trapped, I really can’t needlessly place myself in danger.”

“Oh, okay! What will you do, then?”

“Open it from a distance.”

Thus, I pushed the treasure chest towards where the stream vanished over a ledge.

A faint imprint was left in the damp ground like a boulder rolled across snow. Then, once the chest entered the stream and promptly dammed it, I peeked over the edge. Only darkness met my eyes, broken by a small twinkle reflected from the water’s surface below.

I nodded in satisfaction.

Height to open the chest, check!

Water to extinguish any improbable explosion, check!

Denials should anyone ask if I’m responsible, check!

And thus–push.

“... AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh …”

A moment later, Coppelia joined me in looking over.

She let out a nod of surprise.

“Huh, that’s a lot of gold.”

“Exactly. What did I tell you? Free gold and no explosions.”

“I dunno. I’m not sure if we can call that free gold. That’s a really big tongue coming out of that chest. And it’s wrapping itself around the foot of that man.”

I lowered Starlight Grace as much as I could, then narrowed my eyes.

“Hmm. How odd. Why would a peasant be swimming in a cave?”

“Probably the same reason he was trying to climb up a cave. That was one of the most dramatic screams I ever heard. It’s not even that far.”

I frowned while watching the scuffle between a peasant and a mimic below, considering how best to render assistance without sending all the gold in every direction … or at least until a small figure flew from the darkness to scratch at the mimic’s pristine wooden exterior.

It was hissing, at least partly orange, and very much a cat.

“You think we should help?” asked Coppelia, snacking on a macaron from her pouch.

I watched as both a hand and a set of claws slapped away at the mimic until it retreated, cowed by the weight of a thousand scratches.

A moment later, the man lifted himself from the stream, now minus one tongue around his foot and plus one feline in his hands. He wore the look of someone who decided he was now permanently a cat owner.

I shook my head in regret.

“There’s nothing we can do. He’s doomed.”