Here’s the deal. You think you know the story, don’t you? Big Bad Wolf and sweet Little Red. Well, I’m here to set the record straight because let me tell you, I’ve got the short end of the stick on this one. I mean, come on, have you ever heard my side? Of course not. No one cares about the wolf’s perspective, right? Well, buckle up, because here it comes.

For starters, the name’s Wolfy. Not “Big Bad Wolf”, what kind of lazy nickname is that? And I wasn’t some hungry beast prowling the forest for snacks. I was just out for a peaceful walk. I’m a forager, okay? I collect berries, herbs, maybe the occasional squirrel, but I was strictly on a plant-based diet that day. I was minding my own business when I bumped into this kid in a red hoodie, wandering through the woods like it’s a mall. No map, no compass, just traipsing around with a basket full of snacks. Clearly, this girl was lost.

Now, I consider myself a nice guy, so I thought I’d help her out. I asked where she was going, and she told me she was on her way to Granny’s house. Cool, no big deal, right? But then she mentioned Granny’s sick, and my wolf senses tingled. Is it flu season? Did Granny eat some bad mushrooms? I’m concerned, okay? So, I suggested a shortcut, and she thanked me, skipped off, humming some song like she was in a movie.

That should’ve been the end of it, but then I got this brilliant idea: I’d head to Granny’s first, you know, to check on her. Make sure she’s not worse off than Red thought. Call me a concerned citizen. I strolled over to Granny’s cottage, knocked on the door, and what do you know? Granny’s not even home! Turns out she was off at bingo night with the girls. Typical. But since I was already there, I figured I’d hang out, maybe wait for Red to show up.

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There I was, sitting in Granny’s super uncomfortable bed (seriously, does she sleep on a pile of rocks?), when I heard Red coming up the path. And look, I may have accidentally dressed up in Granny’s clothes—just to be funny! I mean, I had the bonnet and the glasses lying around, so why not have a laugh? Harmless prank, right?

Wrong. Because as soon as Red walked in, she started with the questions. “Oh Granny, what big eyes you have!” Yeah, kid, they’re big because I’m a wolf. Do I need to explain basic biology to you? But no, she kept going, “What big ears you have!” I’m thinking, are you serious right now? You’re talking to a guy in a bonnet, and this is the time you want to play Sherlock Holmes?

And then comes the kicker: “Oh Granny, what big teeth you have!” Well, duh, I’m a wolf! What did you expect? At this point, I was getting a little fed up, so I went, “All the better to eat you with,” just to mess with her. Clearly, I didn’t mean it! I’m a berry guy, remember?

But then this random dude, no idea where he came from, burst into the house with an axe! Like, what the heck? Who carries an axe to a grandma’s house? Turns out he was some wannabe woodsman, thinking he was gonna be the hero of the day. I tried to explain that this was all a misunderstanding, that Granny was at bingo, and I was just house-sitting, but the guy wasn’t having it. He was swinging that axe around like he was auditioning for a horror movie!

I had no choice but to bolt out of there. I mean, I may be a wolf, but I’m not stupid. I wasn’t about to stick around and get chopped up over a prank gone wrong. So, I high tailed it back to the woods and figured, “That’s the last time I try to help anyone in this town.”

And you know what the worst part is? After all that, I’m the one who gets labeled as “big bad wolf.” No one even bothers to ask how I’m doing. Red gets her happy ending, Granny’s back from bingo like nothing happened, and I’m stuck with this terrible rep.

So, what’s the real moral of the story? Don’t try to help lost kids in the woods, and definitely don’t wear your grandma’s clothes, no matter how funny you think it is. Trust me, it’s not worth the drama.

The end.