Jack decided that the only time he’d ever been in a more tension-filled room was when he met with Lucifer each week. But now their kitchen was dead silent and the tension was smothering. He went back and forth between Joey’s face and Dorian’s as they stared at each other. He knew Joey was reading his teacher’s mind and he wished he could too.
It had taken Joey two days to finally ask Dorian if he wanted to know the truth. Jack silently hoped Dorian would agree; he wanted to know too, despite what he had said to Joey. He expected Dorian to get angry, or at the very least be annoyed that the boy had dug up his past without his permission, but there had been neither reaction. He seemed to actually be considering it.
“How can you be sure it’s me?” Dorian said at last, an edge to his voice.
“There is one way to find out,” Joey said. “Let me look at the memory again. If you don’t pull away from me like you did before, I might see more of it.”
“It hurt. A lot. And I don’t want to see that again.”
“Wait. You saw what I saw?”
Dorian sat back in his chair and waved Joey off. “I don’t want to know. It’s a mistake that it’s even in my brain. And don’t tell anyone else. Just forget it.”
“Can you access the memory on your own?” Joey was leaning forward on the table. “Can you see more of it?”
“No. I’m stuck with what you dug up and that’s it. I don’t want to see more.”
Seeing that Joey wanted to pressure him more, Jack said, “Just leave it, Joey. Leave it be.”
The boy nodded, oozing disappointment. Jack shared in it, but was more surprised in Dorian’s subdued mood that lasted the rest of the day. It was clear that the offer was still in his mind.
“He wants to know,” Joey said when they began their guitar lesson. “I read it in his mind. He wants to.”
“I have to admit I’ve never seen him act like this,” Jack said. “I think he doesn’t like the idea that someone actually knows more than he does. You hold the one bit of knowledge that he could never have.”
“Then he should let me tell him.”
“I think he’s also scared.”
“He’s terrified. I read that too.”
“Even more reason to respect his wishes. We need him to be focused for this mission. He’s the only one that can use technology in the way we need for information, but now I’m worried he’ll be too preoccupied by this. And if you were to tell him, it’d be worse.”
“Maybe. I’m sorry I looked into it. I should have minded my own business.”
Jack put his hand on Joey’s shoulder. “It’s all right. You meant no harm.”
This boy had the power to answer their biggest questions. Answers that he knew they all wanted. But the knowledge was almost as terrifying as the mission ahead of them.
* * *
Annabelle’s heart had been fluttering all day, but never as hard as it did as she stood on Jack’s doorstep that evening. Her first real date was finally happening. After Joey walked past them and down the steps, scowling, Annabelle shared a look with Jack. She felt as if he was connecting to her, invisibly touching her heart, and it was the most unexpected yet amazing feeling she could imagine.
When the three of them stopped at her apartment, she changed out of her scrubs into something black, something to at least somewhat match her date’s all-black style. She had to settle for another V-neck shirt, the only casual black thing she wore, the shirt she had bought for attending their concerts. Along with her dark blue jeans she figured it was close enough. And the one benefit to the sudden drop in temperature outside meant she had switched to her light-blue coat instead of her pink jacket. Pink would not do.
After bidding farewell to a cranky Joey, the two walked arm in arm to the nearest elevated train station. Jack had suggested they go deeper into the city, and Annabelle said she had no patience to drive there, so they settled for the method of travel that Jack knew inside and out.
Their destination for dinner was kept secret from Annabelle, and her eyes widened when they arrived at a steakhouse she would have only imagined going to with her rich parents. “You can’t be serious,” she said.
“Very serious. If that steak I got the last time was that good, then it will be even better here. Plus, you’re worth it.”
The guard at the door gave Jack a long look up and down. Annabelle worried that, even though Jack’s clothes were in good condition, they would be turned away because of his rough appearance. But the guard reluctantly allowed them entry for their reservation.
One glance at the menu and Annabelle’s jaw dropped. She leaned on the table toward Jack, who was scanning it thoughtfully. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, Jack, but do you realize how expensive this place is? Even I can’t afford to pay for my own food.”
Jack looked up. “I’m paying.”
“I know that.”
He put the menu down and a slight look of disdain came across his face. “I know I may not look the part, but I can afford this perfectly fine. Just because I’m in a metal band and have no other job doesn’t mean I’m broke.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I don’t mean to judge.”
Even so, it still hurt a bit to order a $77 steak and watch him order one even more expensive. As much as she wanted to ask him how he got so much money, she worried about offending him again. She just hoped it wasn’t a sign of a sinister source of income.
As they waited for their food, Annabelle decided to pry a little. “Just because I’m curious, did you have a job before you became a musician? Since your band is still kind of new.”
Jack seemed to hesitate. “Yeah. Yeah, I used to be an accountant actually. Boring stuff but I made a lot of money. Got fired, decided to do music instead.”
Annabelle raised an eyebrow. “You went to college for music but became an accountant instead?”
“Well…I mean…gotta pay the bills when you’re starting out in music. Just took me until this age to get there, you know.”
“How old are you anyway?”
Jack seemed to be calculating. “Thirty-five.” There was a slight questioning tone at the end of his words.
Annabelle hadn’t expected him to be that much older than her, but decided it wasn’t concerning. “Better late than never to get started on a dream, I suppose,” she said.
“Definitely. Best thing to ever happen to me. Well…one of the best things.” He subtly motioned toward Annabelle, smiling.
She blushed. “Are you flattering me?”
“Just being honest.” He took a drink from his beer. “Does your televangelist dad know you’re going out with a scraggy guy like me?”
Annabelle chuckled. “No. I’m not normally the rebellious type, but I have purposely not said anything about you. Granted I only just recently started talking to my parents again after what they did to Joey, and I think telling them about you would ruin that progress. No offense, of course.”
“None taken.”
“You’re just not the type of guy they expect me to be with.”
“I’m definitely not.”
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“And they really want me to be with someone in the church.”
“And I don’t qualify.”
“Yet. I think maybe if you came to church with me, show your beliefs, then they might maybe possibly give you a chance.”
Jack took a breath to speak but stopped, looking at the table for a moment.
“I’m not trying to pressure you. This is going to sound like a weird reason but there’s a guy in my church who asked me out and I’m not interested in him, but if I tell him that, my parents will be upset because they think he’s the greatest thing, and if I tell people I’m seeing someone else they’ll be upset that you’re not in the church, and I’m not necessarily asking you to join the church but just to come once so they can meet you.”
A small smile appeared on Jack’s face. “Pulling me into a love triangle, are you?”
“No. My feelings only go one way. I’m just also trying to keep my family intact at the same time.”
The smile grew. “I’m honored you feel that way. Problem is, like I said, I have meetings on Sundays.”
“Can’t you reschedule it just once?”
“Really can’t.”
“Please? I’m not a fan of lying but maybe you could tell them you’re sick and can’t go.”
Jack laughed. “I wish that would work. Now, my meeting is normally in the morning, so there’s always the afternoon for something.”
Annabelle tried to hide her dejection. She would have to come up with an excuse to tell Simon. “Well, there’s no afternoon service unfortunately. But I won’t say no to seeing you again.”
As they ate their meal and Annabelle enjoyed the entertainment of Jack’s euphoria of every bite, she pondered the weird connection she kept feeling. It was making her brave enough to say flirtatious things, things she normally would be too shy to express. It was as if the “power”—as strange as it was to call it that—was telling her it was okay, that it would always be met with positive reactions. She would never be turned away or judged. Only loved.
Though the night had grown even colder than expected, they stuck to their plans to walk around the parks on the east side of the Loop. It was early November, so there were no holiday decorations to admire, no ice skating rink to watch people at, but Annabelle didn’t mind. There were plenty of other couples wandering around, and now she was a part of them, holding hands with the one she had claimed. She felt the odd warmth through both his glove and hers, as if he had a heating pad of sorts. Her gloves were thin, so she gripped his hand with both of hers to keep warm.
“I hope you’re not bored,” Jack said.
“Not at all. Are you?”
“Nope.”
“Living most of my life in the suburbs, the city is kind of a novelty no matter what time of year or what’s going on. I suppose it’s not as special for you.”
Jack shrugged. “It used to not be, I guess. For a long time I didn’t really get a chance to enjoy what’s here, to experience everything as it should be experienced. Certain…obligations…prevented that. But these past few months I’ve gotten to see so much, live so much, it’s crazy. I honestly didn’t think I could ever be this happy. Ever.”
Looking up at him, Annabelle studied his thoughtful, reminiscent expression. There was more to this man. She wanted to ask him what had prevented him from having a happy life, but it sounded like it would hurt, and the last thing she wanted to do was ruin what was feeling like an amazing evening. “Well, I’m glad that whatever it was that stopped you is behind you now. There’s a lot about life to enjoy.”
Jack nodded. “A lesson I’ve learned.”
They approached Buckingham Fountain, and though the jets were off, it was brightly illuminated in white lights. Standing near it, Jack smiled as he took it in.
“Reminds me of you,” he said.
“The fountain?”
“Yeah. The lights. It’s just like you. An angel glow.”
“Now you really are flattering me.”
Jack shook his head. “It’s true. To me, you glow exactly like that.”
It was difficult for Annabelle to believe that someone actually felt that way about her. If only her parents could hear that, see that, understand that.
They sat on a bench facing the silent fountain, Jack’s arm around her. She leaned close, trying not to shiver. As much as she wanted to go inside somewhere, she didn’t want this moment to end. “So,” she began, “you asked me earlier about whether my parents knew I was going out with a ‘scraggy’ guy like you as if that was a strange thing.”
“It is strange.”
“Yes. It’s just as strange that a heavy metal rockstar guy is going out with a devout Christian girl like me.”
Jack chuckled softly but said nothing.
“So, why? Why me, then?”
“Why not?”
“I literally just said why not.”
“Call me weird but I don’t feel that religion is the only thing that makes a person who they are. It only affects their actions and feelings after they’ve been taught it. A person isn’t born knowing about God. They’re taught that. It’s what people do with that knowledge that shows their true colors. Look at you and your dad. One uses God to try and kill while the other uses God to love people no matter what. Same religion, different results. That’s…incredibly respectable. I love that about you.”
They smiled at each other, the connection deepening. Though it warmed her on the inside, the rest of her body shivered from the wind that had picked up. “As much as I don’t want this to end, I’m really, really cold,” she said.
“Same. I hate winter.”
“We can hang out at my apartment for a while. Joey will either be sleeping or listening to his music, so he’ll leave us alone. Hopefully.”
She clung to him as they walked to the elevated train station. She knew that there usually was a section of the platform that had heat lamps to huddle under, but to her dismay, as the wind blasted them, it was out of order.
“Well, shit,” Jack muttered. When Annabelle gave him a look for cursing, he said, “Sorry. Here.” He unzipped his coat and moved to pull her close.
Annabelle gasped. “Don’t unzip your coat! It’s too cold.”
“Not if you’re here.”
With his arms around her, her head nestled against his neck, Annabelle relished in the heat that radiated from him. Her nursing instincts made her worry; this was not normal. He should probably see a doctor about it. But for the moment it was useful. Much more comforting than the heat lamps would be.
She put one arm around his waist under his coat, the other on his chest. There was something under his shirt, something hanging from the silver chain he always wore around his neck but always had it hidden. She traced it, a quarter-sized metal circle. She pulled on the chain, curious to see it, but he gently pulled her hand away and held it. When she opened her mouth to ask him about it, her words were stopped by a kiss.
Annabelle immediately lost interest in the necklace. She lost interest in anything else. The cold no longer bothered her; rather she was blushing so much she felt hot instead. She blushed even more at the thought that others on the platform would be watching. Many times she’d silently scoffed at public displays of affection. Such things should be kept private. Her mother had mentioned once that anything more than a simple, quick kiss in public was sexually immoral. And this kiss was far more than simple, and definitely not quick. But she didn’t stop him. Only the arrival of the train stopped them.
They rode on the train in silence, standing rather than sitting so Annabelle could continue to enjoy her human heater, which she wrapped herself tightly around. She felt his face on the top of her head. She wanted to fall asleep that way. That would certainly be immoral.
It was after 9 p.m. when they arrived at Annabelle’s apartment. Joey’s bedroom door was closed, but the light could be seen under the door. “Darn,” she whispered. “Though he is a bit of a night owl, so I guess I’m not surprised.”
They removed their coats, and Annabelle thought about offering a drink, her original plan of inviting him over, but the turn of events on the train station platform had changed that. An unspoken decision was made through the connection they shared, and they kissed again in the hallway. But after only a minute, Annabelle pulled away.
“Maybe we shouldn’t,” she said. “I’m worried Joey will come out and see us. And you know how he feels about us.”
“We’re adults, you know. We can do whatever we want.”
“I know that. I’m just tired of the constant teen angst scowl every day.”
Jack chuckled. “Yeah, I get it.” He looked down the hall and to the open door to her bedroom. “We can go in there instead. Otherwise…maybe I should just go.”
“No, don’t go.” The prospect of entering her bedroom with a man she had just been kissing was a bit scary, but nothing had to come from it. All they needed was a door to hide behind just to enjoy a kiss for a while. That’s all. Nothing more. She led him to the bedroom and closed and locked the door.
Jack looked around the room, admiring her bookshelves and pictures and trinkets. There wasn’t a lot of room to walk around, and suddenly Annabelle was embarrassed about how cluttered it was.
“Cozy,” Jack said.
“It’s a bit…packed in here. Since Joey moved in, I had to move my desk and other things in here.”
“A worthy sacrifice.”
Jack sat at the foot of the bed, looking up at a crucifix on the wall. Annabelle sat beside him, studying his expression. “Does that bother you? The crucifix?”
Still looking up at it, he said, “Do you ever wonder if Jesus were to come back, what he’d think about people having those things around their house? Like, maybe it’s just me but if I were crucified I don’t think I’d like the reminders everywhere, you know?”
Annabelle snorted. “I never thought about it that way. I guess if he ever comes over to my place, I’ll take it down for him.”
They shared their gaze again, then another kiss. Finally alone, with no fear of interruptions, Annabelle let all tension slip away to enjoy it in full. Every few moments they’d stop to look in each other’s eyes; she felt like his were calling to her, begging her to meet them. The connection she felt with him swelled, and she allowed him to gently nudge her backward to lay on the bed. He lay on his side, leaning over her.
Her heart pounded. This position was a dangerous one. She was vulnerable, exposed. But it was just kissing, nothing else. It was just to be more comfortable, no straining their necks or twisting their backs. That’s what she told herself, anyway. She hoped that was all he saw it as.
Jack pulled away for a moment, this time his gaze gripping her, physically yet invisibly holding her. She could not pull away even if she wanted to, but that was okay with her; she didn’t want to. And it held even when he closed his eyes to kiss her again, and as his actual fingers caressed her body, she felt as if imaginary fingers were caressing her heart—no, her soul. While one part of her brain was screaming at her, telling her his touching under her shirt, under her bra, then in her pants, was wrong, to make him stop, it was strongly overruled by her soul and the connection to it.
It’s okay, I’m still pure.
This is immoral.
I’m a grown woman, not a child. I can do what I want.
Not if God has anything to say about it.
At this thought she gently pushed him up by the chest, but had no idea what to say.
“Do you want me to stop?” he asked, though he did not withdraw his hand.
Her screaming, pleading brain lost the battle quickly when the grip on her soul tightened, the invisible fingers caressing it more. And where his actual fingers were at that moment, how that part of her body was reacting, meant it was already too late.
“No,” she whispered, and with that she gave up everything to him.