Even though it had been her own question, it still caught her off guard. What would she do, if money was no objective? Her mind went to the horses first. But while horse-riding was definitely something she’d want to keep doing, all her dreams of her own ranch and mustering pegasi had been about earning an income. Well, almost. There had been another goal there too.
“I guess I’d want to do something to improve how horses and pegasi are handled and trained, and the way people view them. They’re often just seen as transport but they’re more than that and if you have a proper relationship with them they’ll give you so much more than just a ride somewhere. They’ll give you a friend too. And they’re beautiful to watch. There are nicer ways to tame them than what a lot of people use. I’d want to make those ways more standard, until they’re the norm, the rule.” She laughed thinking about it.
She felt Sirius’s fingers brushing her hair back then, fingering the red strands all the way down to her shoulders, and then running his hands gently over her skin in a way that made her want to take all her clothes off again and let him do whatever he wanted to her. Instead, she leaned her head in against him.
He responded by wrapping his arm around her and pulling her in close for a hug. A quick glance down reminded her that he was still stark naked.
“I feel overdressed,” she remarked.
He chuckled and then pulled her back so they were lying down in the sand. “I don’t know about that. I think I’ve got sand in my butt hole.”
She laughed along with him. Their bodies shaking together, and probably making the sand in the butt hole situation 10x worse.
Soon they fell apart, only their hands still intertwined, caressing each other’s knuckles and fingertips as if learning a map by feel one small piece at a time. The focus on such a small area making the connection all the more electric.
They lay in silence, just reading each other’s palms and letting their minds wander. Sirius’s question, or rather her own question, had reminded her of home again. It was nice here next to Sirius on this beach, warmed by both the sun and his gentle affections, but a part of her longed for her home too. She even missed her mother telling her to stop trooping mud all though the house and her homemade food, spinach scones and fresh veges. She missed how her sister would use the last of the hot water but how sometimes if Lizzie was feeling particularly nice she might gossip about how there was a boy in her year whose older brother liked Amanda and then they’d share secrets about who they each liked and who was dating who. She missed her fathers praise and his jokes, and the way her mother rolled her eyes at his antics but would smile at him the moment he wasn’t looking. Her mother would groan and grumble and complain and her father would do likewise, but they loved each other, Amanda had always been able to see that in their smiles and glances, the occasional wink that she didn’t want to think too hard about given they were her parents.
She missed the smell of toast in the morning, the sound of whinnies outside, the way the air smelt like horse sweat, manure, and a touch of desert wildflowers. Unintentionally she gave a sad sort of sigh. Loud enough for Sirius to roll onto his side and study her with a intense gaze.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked, drawing her from her thoughts.
She blushed then, not wanting him to know that she’d been thinking of home instead of fully living in the moment and making the most of his presence. She’d miss him too, if he were not here.
“Oh, nothing,” she lied.
He was silent a moment and then with a slight curve of the lip he replied, “Bluff.”
“W-what?” She rolled herself up onto one elbow and looked directly at him.
He had that knowing sparkle in his eye again. The one that said he knew a secret.
“You have a tell,” he told her.
“I do not.”
He nodded. He reached out and touched her chin. With one finger he gently stroked all the way around to her ear and then back down again. “I can tell because your jaw clenches just so. It’s subtle but it’s there.” He landed a gentle finger on her lips. “And when you’re really worried you bite the inside of your lip.”
Amanda frowned and resisted the urge to do just that.
“So what are you thinking about?” he asked, his tone gentle and kind.
----------------------------------------
Sirius had watched her eyes go wide and for a moment he thought he saw a hint of fear there but maybe also curiosity and hope. Did she mind that he could read her? She normally did such a good job of keeping up a pretense of confidence and easy-goingness. But he had been watching. Would it be rude to reveal another side of her? He did not think so, at least not if it was just the two of them, not now, and not given she’d been so open earlier. It was hard for her though, he could tell.
He hadn't minded her reading him, pushing gently. Indeed, it had been kind of nice even if it had been a little scary. And she was so good at reading others. If one treated another one way it was surely because they wished to be treated that way themselves. He just had to be as gentle as she was. He didn’t want to scare her off. But in order to make sure of that, he first needed to know what it was she was so afraid of.
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He’d noticed it in her eyes, back up on the rock ledge, a hint of panic after he’d asked if she’d go with him back to his old house when they got to Little Rock. She’d said yes, and given the way she’d pulled him out of the water after his dive, she obviously liked him and was attracted to him, but she was scared of something too, he could tell, he just wasn’t sure what.
“I guess I kinda miss home. Not that I don’t like being out here with you, it’s just…”
“Ah.” Sirius relaxed. For a moment he’d been worried that it had been something to do with him, but it turned out that wasn’t it at all. She was just homesick. As he watched her stammer for words he realised something else. She was feeling guilty about it. Why? Even he was homesick sometimes and his home hadn’t been a particularly nice place when he’d left it but sometimes he found himself thinking about the way the paint flaked off the outside of the house near the corner where he’d used to sometimes hide from his father. It was strange the stupid things that one could miss. “Here I thought it was something serious you were worried about.” He made his tone intentionally light and teasing hoping she wouldn’t take it the wrong way.
For a moment she gave him a surprised look but then she burst out laughing.
"I think I even miss my sister," Amanda admitted.
"Even?" Sirius asked. "You don't get along?"
"Well, it's more that we're just so different. And she's mum's favorite, which I hate but then I'm dad's favorite which she hates. Not that we'd rather swap, just that it's like we each get half our parents, and I dunno... the grass is always greener I guess. Always wanting what we can't have. But I do love her, you know, even if we fight a lot. And I know both our parents love both of us, even if they each like one more than the other. But that’s kind of a given, parents always love their kids."
“Not always.” His reply slipped out before he’d thought about it properly and he regretted it almost immediately because for a moment he saw a similar sort of regret in her eyes followed by pity and he didn’t want that. He glanced away. He couldn’t think of what else to say to bring the conversation back now he’d gone and ruined it.
But Amanda always knew the right thing to say.
After a moment's hesitation she asked, "Did you get along with your sister?"
He look back at her. The sun shone through the red strands of her hair making it look almost like they were made of flames themselves. For a moment he wondered if she was just a hallucination of the island. He nodded. “Yeah, most of the time.” He glanced away thoughtfully.
Amanda didn’t immediately reply. It seemed she knew when to stay silent too.
“But?” she asked, carefully in almost a whisper, when some time had passed and he still hadn’t answered.
How did she know there was a but?
“Sometimes…” he hesitated. Did he want to talk about this? He sighed. If he expected her to trust him then he needed to trust her, and the thing was that he did trust her, in a way that he’d never trusted anyone else before. He’d never really believed in love, never given it much credence beyond some sort of strange affliction, like a disease. His mother had loved his father, and look where it had gotten her.
He’d resisted all of Shiv’s attempts to find him a part-time companion, both male and female, and while he definitely preferred the latter, he’d viewed all of it as more a distraction from his duties to the ship than anything that should actively be sought out. But now he was sitting here, marooned on this island, no ship, and a crew that had abandoned him, with a beautiful woman by his side, and one who had so raptly captured his attention despite all his attempts to avoid it. What did he really have to lose?
“Sometimes she’d intentionally provoke him, almost like she was looking for a fight.” He hesitated and then continued. “She’s the reason dad was angry the night mum died.”
“Do you blame her?” Amanda asked quietly, “For your mum’s death.”
“No.” Sirius replied quickly and honestly. He didn’t blame Cat for that. He knew whose fault it was, but still, there were so many what ifs. If it was Cat’s fault then it was his too. He was supposed to protect them.
They were both silent for awhile, then Amanda said, “Can I ask you something?”
He frowned and turned to study her expression. She usually just asked. “Sure”
“Why are you so trusting? With your history, what your dad did, what you’ve seen of the sea. You trusted me so fast and you trust Shiv, even though he left us here.”
He smiled and thought for a bit. He didn’t completely trust Shiv, he just knew him, at least he thought he did. The truth was he didn’t know why Shiv had done what he did. Maybe he really did just want the ship. Maybe it was another one of his convoluted matchmaking plans. Shiv didn’t always go about things in a straightforward way but he usually had a reason for things, some kind of plan. Shiv did what Shiv thought was right and Sirius trusted that. Shiv cared for him too. He knew that. But he also cared for the crew’s welfare and he wouldn’t put one man above them, not even the captain. Sirius didn’t know what Shiv was up to, couldn’t be certain it was in his best interest. He hoped but he didn’t know. He didn’t want Amanda to worry though so he had acted more certain than he was. It appeared he had managed to pull off that bluff. But there was a truth in her question too.
“Dad wasn’t always so bad and mum always said everybody is born with a nature and nobody gets to choose that, but really I figure all anybody wants is to be loved.”
“It’s a nice thought. But I don’t think it’s true.”
“No?” He cocked a curious eyebrow.
“Because some people want to be great no matter what. And some are never satisfied with anything… I think a good life lies in the middle though, just enough contentment, just enough yearning.”
“What do you yearn for?” he asked. “Other than the horses.”
She smiled. “You.”
With a mischievous smile he replied, “Easy answer.” Then in a more serious tone he asked, “Do you think a person’s nature is fixed?”
“I think that depends on the nature. Like, what if it’s your nature to be fixed or to be flexible?”
He laughed. “And what about you then? Are you fixed or flexible?”
She rolled over and leaned in close so her lips were only inches away from his. “Oh, I’m very flexible.”
He was glad they’d had sex already, otherwise how he felt about her would have been embarrassingly obvious. It was too bad, he thought, that such things weren’t so obvious on a woman. He couldn’t be sure if she was just being playful or if she wanted round 2. Either way, he decided, they’d had some lunch, and some fun, and a nap in the sun. It was time they got back to practical matters.
She gave him a questioning look as he stood up and brushed the sand off himself. She looked so comfy lying there, he almost hated to ruin it.
“How do you feel?” he asked, “About learning how to sword fight?”