"I don't want to hear a word, Rathus." Ruth commanded. "I'm going to come out, and I don't want to hear ANY sort of guff from you."

"Sure, got it." Rathus confirmed. He sighed and leaned back against the wall as the princess shouted at him from inside the women's bathroom of the Adventurer Guild.

"No sass. No witty comments, do you understand?"

"Yup," Rathus replied. He flipped to the back of the pamphlet he was reading while he waited. Of course, with his Eidetic Memory, he could have simply spent a moment looking it over front and back, just long enough for his eyes to focus, then he could have read it at his leisure. But reading it manually had a certain charm to it, and it was an easier way to kill time, like reading a shampoo bottle when you're in a friend's bathroom.

"If I hear a single word out of you, I shall say a word as well, and the word will be 'Fire'. Am I clear?" Her voice trembled a bit at the end, high and stressed the F out.

"Loud and clear," the Gun Knight sighed. He flipped the pamphlet back over again and wondered what, exactly, Zetsurin had loaned to the princess. After they had learned that there was a practical exam (so to speak) on the Adventurer Certification, Ruth had realized that she was woefully unprepared. She had appropriate attire and equipment for thirty-seven varieties of ball, masquerade party, theatre occasion, or beach luau, but not much in the way of dungeoneering gear.

And so, of course, she'd dragged Rathus back to the Ocean's Motion, and kindly asked the proprietress if she had any gear that Ruth could borrow. They'd left soon after that, and Ruth had decided she wanted to change at the Adventurer's Guild for some strange reason. Well... based on some of the snippets he'd heard, Rathus could guess the reason. But he was fine feigning ignorance if it helped Ruth save face.

"Okay," she said at last, "I'm coming out now."

The door opened, and a warrior princess walked out into the hallway, her face an interesting shade of scarlet as she tried to hide behind herself (unsuccessfully). Rathus glanced at the princess's outfit and pointedly said nothing. He looked back at his pamphlet. He didn't mention the fact that the armor didn't appear to protect much, since it was most likely enchanted to cover that obvious deficiency. He didn't comment on the construction, as silver chainmail was protective enough, and with such a small amount of 'fabric' the weight shouldn't be much of an issue. He especially didn't mention the incongruity of the fact that it fit perfectly, despite the obvious differences in surface area between its owner and Ruth. Star Magic enchanted clothing tended to automatically size itself, which Rathus thought was convenient, but also kind of bullshit. Plus, mentioning it would just be crude.

Instead, Rathus silently looked at his pamphlet, doing his best to ignore his ward's piercing stare. After a time, she cleared her throat, and started to lean forwards imperiously before thinking better of it and protectively crossing her arms across her chest.

"Well?" she demanded.

"Y'told me not to say anything," Rathus pointed out, slipping the pamphlet into his back pocket. He turned to face the princess, who was steaming with a combination of embarrassment and rage.

"And yet, I somehow find your silence more damning than any witty comment you could make."

The Gun Knight glanced at her and shrugged. He casually reached into an inner pocket of his jacket and pulled out his tobacco and papers, to roll another cigarette. He moved slowly, as if any of his movements might set her off.

"Yeah? Would ya prefer I say something witty?" he asked.

Ruth scowled at him, then shrugged, turning away. "That's— Of course not. But sometimes it's just the principle of the matter, Rathus."

Rathus thought about it for a moment, licking the wrapping paper to seal it, then tucking the finished cigarette into his metal case. "Well, it's very... bold."

"What a diplomatic turn of phrase," she scoffed, turning to look as best she could at her back. "I don't understand how Zetsurin can wear something like this in public."

Rathus considered it pretty easy to understand, having met Zetsurin for more than a few minutes.

"She didn't have any other armor you coulda picked?" he asked.

Ruth grimaced. "Actually, she had a few. I picked this one out, because, well... it seemed the most 'Adventurer'-like choice. I just didn't expect it to be so... immodest."

The Gun Knight snorted. "You expected bikini armor to be 'modest'?"

Ruth glared at him. "Of course it sounds foolish, if you say it like that. I'm not naïve, you know. But there's a wide gulf between understanding it on a conceptual level and..." she looked down at her outfit and blushed further, "experiencing it."

Rathus had sympathy for the embarrassed princess, even if it definitely sounded like she had hoisted herself from her own petards. Which was a poor decision, considering she probably shouldn't be hoisting in that outfit, and he doubted she even had any petards.

"Couldn't you, y'know... just wear something over it?"

Ruth furrowed her brow. "Hm. I'm... not entirely sure. Zetsurin told me she never wore anything over her armor."

The princess tapped her cheek as she thought back to the conversation, wishing that she had the Eidetic Memory that Rathus possessed. "Of course... I don't think she said she couldn't. Just that she didn't."

She looked to the Gun Knight for confirmation, and received only a noncommittal shrug in response.

"Couldn't hurt to try, right?" He suggested.

The would-be Adventuress nodded once, and went back into the restroom. After a second or two, she came back out, her dress hastily thrown on over the armor, covering it completely. She lifted her arms to indicate her newly-won modesty, and looked down at herself. She kept her arms raised, as if unsure whether the armor might react violently to the scenario, and wanting to keep herself out of harm's way.

"Hmm. Well, you can still see the outline of the armor a tad, but at least this is much less revealing. Still..."

The door to the women's restroom opened once more, and Mitras walked out, carrying her implement in one hand. Rathus glanced at it, wondering whether she'd taken it into the stall with her. It seemed like a good way to get a staff infection.

"Ah," Ruth said, turning towards the Adventurer. "Mitras. You would be more of an expert than I would, I expect?"

"Yes," Mitras agreed quietly. Rathus tucked his cigarette case back into his inner pocket, and wondered whether she overheard the context of the question, or if she was just asserting dominance in general.

"I know that Star Magic can be... capricious," Ruth explained. "I'm wearing some enchanted... b-bikini armor beneath my dress, and I would like to make sure that it's still working normally. Do you happen to have any way to tell if it's still working? Perhaps a spell?"

Mitras looked at Rathus without saying anything, then back to the princess. "Yes," she said, after a pause verging just on the edge of being awkward.

"P-perfect," Ruth said, a little put off-kilter. "Would you mind checking if it's still working?"

Mitras looked down at the outline of the armor, then back up to Ruth, nodding once before she lifted her staff over her head. The tip of the staff glinted in the lights of the hallway, the crystal shimmering with untold depths of magic and mystical bullshit. Mitras closed her eyes, breathing out through her nose, then smacked Ruth across the top of her head at full force, sending the princess reeling.

Rathus jerked, his hand moving to his gun instantly, but paused with his hand resting on the grip. A blue barrier had popped into existence a half-inch from Ruth's head, sending out ripples of energy that traced an outline around the princess's body, forming a silhouette about a half-inch transposed. Mitras lowered her staff, taking no further action, but smiling softly at Ruth.

The princess raised her hand to her head in shock. She seemed surprised, but unharmed. Her mouth opened and closed, making a few inarticulate noises as she rapidly swung between rage, indignity, surprise, fear, and confusion, as if they were cards on some kind of fucked up gameshow's wheel.

"It works," Mitras confirmed with a friendly thumbs up, her monotone voice hinting just the barest amount of satisfaction. She turned and walked down the hallway towards the Rest Area, leaving a stammering princess behind.

Ruth turned to Rathus, giving him a betrayed look. "She hit me!"

"I saw," he replied.

"And you just sat there!"

"I was just as surprised as you were," the Gun Knight admitted. "She didn't have an ounce of killing Intent on her, so I wasn't expecting her to haul off and smack you."

Ruth sniffed in derision. "Some bodyguard you are. Suppose that she had stabbed me instead?"

"Wouldn't have let her. A knife ain't a stick. That woulda been a lot more obvious."

Ruth puffed up her chest and began walking indignantly towards the Rest Area. "Oh, good," she replied haughtily. "I'm glad you're taking this seriously. It's not like anybody has ever been killed by a stick, after all. It's not as if the stick in question can shoot Star Magic."

Rathus watched her go, then rolled his eyes to himself. Still... she did have a point. Mitras and Artur seemed genuine, but for all of his competence in a fight, Rathus felt less confident about doing threat assessment for a target that would die when they're killed, rather than for himself, for whom being shot or stabbed was more of an inconvenience. He wasn't BAD, really, but bodyguard work was a lot tougher than his usual fare. With Drover's rebels about, he couldn't be too careful. Any random person might be a lurking dissident ready to make a desperate suicidal rush at a tyrannical, despot-like seventeen year old.

The Gun Knight followed Ruth into the Rest Area, where she had immediately beelined to a table where Artur was examining some equipment spread out across the table. He had the classic spread, a brown oilcloth unrolled onto the table, with the equipment neatly arranged on top. There were a few vials of variously-colored liquids placed in a row, next to a rolled up sheaf of paper sealed with a dollop of wax, emblazoned with a wave pattern. A utility knife sat off to one side, with three smaller throwing knives tucked neatly next to it. There was a set of lockpicks and a small, cellophane-wrapped book entitled "Lockpicking For Dummies". A crowbar ran the length of bottom of the cloth, and the rest of the space was filled with a mix of trinkets, first-aid supplies, and other assorted gear. Rathus noted that he hadn't included a ten foot pole or any rope. Rookie mistake. And was that... a piece of paper? Well, whatever.

Rathus looked away from the murderhobo mis en place and scanned the room. The Rest Area's tavern was full of friendly faces, currently looking less than friendly at the return appearance of the Gun Knight on their home turf. A Goblin in a foppish rogue outfit was arguing with a taller (in general, not just in comparison) Stentorian man, and the two kept nudging the other in Rathus's direction. The pair seemed to come to a begrudging agreement, and started to throw rock-paper-scissors at each other. Rathus sighed.

The Gun Knight glanced over at Ruth, who was busy having a one-sided argument with Mitras.

"I hope you have a good explanation for your actions!" the princess demanded, glowering at the Merrow woman, who was busy double-checking her own roll of equipment.

"Yes," she replied, with no further elaboration.

Ruth waited for a few moments, and when no explanation was forthcoming, raised her hands in a disgruntled expression that seemed to say 'Well, what is it?'

"Well? What is it?" She asked.

Mitras set down a glowing blue Mana Potion and turned to face the princess. Ruth stared her down, but the Star Mage stared impassively into her eyes, remaining silent for several seconds. Finally, when it seemed Ruth was about at her limit, she replied:

"You asked me to."

Ruth gaped at the Adventurer, flabbergasted. "I..." She began to stammer, but recovered admirably in an instant, shaking away the flabbers and gasts alike.

"I most certainly did not ask you to hit me! I asked you simply to detect if my armor was working. I expected you to cast a spell, or... or something like that."

Mitras shook her head once. "Conserves Mana," she explained, and turned back to her work. Ruth started to protest again. A movement in the corner of Rathus's eye caught his attention. He looked over, expecting a confrontation from the Adventurer pair, but they appeared to be going for a "Best of twenty-one" in their Ro-Sham-Bo contest. He mentally applauded their sense of sportsmanship and turned to face Artur, who was swaggering quickly towards him, beaming a friendly, fang-filled smile.

"Welcome back, friends," he greeted the Gun Knight. Rathus did his best not to raise an eyebrow. It felt a bit early to be calling each other 'friends', considering they'd just met. Rathus wasn't about to gainsay him, though. Somehow, he felt like that'd hurt the Orc Adventurer's feelings, as the young man seemed completely earnest.

"Did you get your equipment?" he asked. "All ready to get going into the dungeon?"

Rathus nodded. "All settled. You're about ready too, I reckon?" He looked at the gear, which Artur had rolled back into the oilcloth after strapping a few items to his belt. He also had a bandolier, which he'd slipped the throwing knives into. Rathus glanced aside, at the pair of Adventurers who had completed their "best of thirty-seven" contest, and had apparently decided to both come over. The men were slowly making their way towards Rathus, weaving around tables.

"Just putting on the finishing touches," Artur explained, before slapping his hand flat against Rathus's chest. "Here you go, this is for you."

The Gun Knight leaned back as Artur moved his hand away, to see a slip of paper attached to his breastplate with a piece of tape. The paper read "Equipment", in thick block letters. Rathus opened his mouth to ask what kind of sick power play this was, then noticed the Adventuring pair heading towards him. They were peering at the paper, doing their best to read it from across the room. One said something to the other, and they shook their heads, smoothing their proverbial feathers and heading back to their table, apparently mollified.

Rathus glanced down at the paper again, and gave a shrug. He was simultaneously insulted and tickled, as if he'd received a trophy for "World's Biggest Idiot", made out of 5 pounds of solid gold.

"Well... thanks, I reckon. I wouldn'ta gone for this myself, but you helped prevent a thrashing."

Artur looked over at the retreating Adventurers and scoffed, 'pff'ing audibly. "Nah, don't worry about them. Jacob and Marley are both pushovers," he declared, voice happy and probably loud enough for both of them to hear him.

"I know," Rathus replied. He turned to Ruth, who had settled down some, and apparently had found some form of reprisal, bopping Mitras on the top of the head with her own staff, albeit with much less force than the initial assault had been.

He walked over to them, Artur in tow. The Adventurer automatically assumed the role of leader, as if it was second nature, or as if he'd been raised for such a position by birth, instantly overshadowing Ruth, who literally had been raised in such a way.

"Everybody all ready to move out?" he asked eagerly, clapping his hands together. "Our dungeon is calling us, gang!"

Ruth looked up and smiled, the various inadvertent insults instantly obliterated by her excitement. "A dungeon! I can't wait! Aren't you excited, Rathus?"

"Can hardly contain myself," The Gun Knight said, in an exaggerated monotone. In truth, he was a bit excited. The call of adventure had been part of why he'd given up his schooling in his quest to become a Gun Knight, after all. He'd considered just going directly into Adventuring as a career, but, well...

"Oh, come on, Rathus," Ruth chided him. "We're about to become full-fledged Adventurers!"

"Ya mean, you're about to become an Adventurer," he countered. "I'm 'equipment'."

"3000 ELO briefcase," Mitras corrected him.

Ruth crossed her arms. "Rathus, it's about the prin—"

"Is everybody ready?" a weedy voice interrupted. A tall Merrow man in a Guild uniform was walking over, adjusting his glasses as he looked at the clipboard he held in his other hand. He looked the utter picture of a middle-manager. Round glasses over a pale teal Winter complexion, beneath a tidy crop of black hair, neatly trimmed and parted to the right. He wore a brightly-colored hazard vest over a leather breastplate, over the dress pants and shirt of the Guild uniform.

Despite working at the Adventurer's guild, he looked like he rarely got out of the office, with a build on the scrawny side, even for a Merrow. Rathus knew better than to take that at face value, since Adventurers tended to be much stronger than appearance would suggest. Gun Knights too, for that matter.

"Team 'Red Thread of Fate'?" he asked. "The training dungeon is ready for your scheduled Dive."

Artur nodded, pumping his fist once in eagerness.

"Ready, sir! Mitras and I are both ranked already, so it's mostly uh, 'Princess Ruth'," he said, putting completely unnecessary emphasis on her name. He shot an arch look at Rathus, raising an eyebrow and nudging the empty air in his direction. Rathus gave him an encouraging thumbs up. The official didn't suspect a thing. Rathus was pretty sure that he'd already been briefed on the truth of Ruth's princessal nature, but technically that meant that he knew, so he definitely didn't suspect.

The official stared at Artur for a few seconds, before turning his attention back to the clipboard with exaggerated slowness. "Rrriiiight..." he said.

"Well, in that case, please follow me. The dungeon awaits."

*********

The training dungeon was located beneath the Adventurer's Guild, a sub-basement which lead to a small cellar that lead to an artificial, somewhat fake-looking cave entrance. Flames danced in the decorative braziers flanking the mouth of the cave, breaking the darkness of the entrance with jittering flames. Beyond, where the light of the brazier couldn't reach, the cave descended into the pitch black of subterranean darkness.

"There are five rooms in the Dungeon," the official explained, "And between zero to three secret rooms."

Ruth mouthed the word 'secret room', looking to Rathus with sparkling eyes as she vibrated in place. Artur looked comfortably excited, standing and respectfully listening to the official. Mitras, in a break from the stoic personality she'd shown before, was half-hiding between Artur, sticking close behind him and looking askance, as if she was trying to avoid the gaze of the official. Her lavender skin was flushing a deeper purple, and she was shifting uneasily with the self-scolded body language of somebody who'd been caught dancing in public by a stranger when they'd thought they were alone. Interesting.

"You will have one hour to clear the Dungeon. Each room has at least one challenge, puzzle, or encounter. Your ability to overcome these will determine your final Base ELO rating. This rating will be pending, awaiting official approval by the Adventurer's Registry, and is subject to change as you progress in your Adventurer career."

He made a mark on his clipboard and closed his eyes, his eyelids flickering momentarily as he Recalled more of the guidelines and rules he was giving out to them. He continued on, voice taking on the half-hurried, semi-authoritarian cadence of somebody repeating the same rules they'd said a thousand times, most often adopted by those operating rides at amusement parks.

"You will be rated on speed, ability to clear the challenges, combat potential, ingenuity, and style. Please note that the ratings given for each category are proprietary ratings of the Sunset Ridge Adventurer Guild, and are not official ratings used by the Adventurer's Registry. Using our Registry-approved calculations of your various ratings, we will then assign a pending ELO Rating, which will be verified by the Adventurer's Registry within one to two weeks. Should you receive a passing score, you will immediately be assigned a probationary Adventurer Permit, to be replaced with an official Adventurer License after approval by the Registry."

He sighed, and continued. "You will also receive a commemorative tote bag, mug, and T-Shirt, as well as..." he shuddered, "Three pieces of Adventurer License 'flair', to use to decorate your eventual permanent license."

"Three!" Artur exclaimed in a stage whisper, leaning over to Ruth. "When we first got tested, we only got two!"

He held out his license to her, turning it backwards so that she could see a small sticker of a dog, and banana (for some reason) on the back. She gave him a placating nod before turning back to the official.

"Your time will begin once you pass the threshold of the Dungeon. For safety reasons, enemies within the training dungeon will use wooden training weapons. Please treat these weapons as if they were real. You are allowed to use lethal weaponry of a mundane nature. However, poison, fire, and lethal Naming or Law are prohibited, as well as asphyxiating weaponry or effects."

Ruth jerked back, surprised, and started to look around as her mind raced. Rathus knew she was fond of Fire as a Namer, so she'd probably not expected the restriction. She did mention that she knew other Names, so he hoped she had something else she could rely on.

Well... even if she didn't, he was counted as her equipment, so he imagined she'd just have him take care of the issue.

"If you are 'lethally wounded' in combat, or by a trap, you will be eliminated, and will automatically receive a failing grade. You can retry the test again in four months at the earliest outset."

He looked at the team, moving his pen across the clipboard. "Do you have any questions before you begin your test?"

Ruth raised her hand. The official looked at her, then did a double-take at the prospective Adventurer politely raising her hand. Unnerved, he looked around to make sure there wasn't somebody hiding behind a trash can waiting to pull his pants down when he was about to ask Keiko out to the School Festival, like last time.

"Y-yes?" He asked, pointing to the princess with the end of his pen.

"What is the objective of the training mission? Are we simply meant to reach a finish line, or is there an item we must reclaim and escape with, or... perhaps we must slay an evil Lawyer in the depths of that eldritch place, sitting on his fetid throne of bones and skulls and, um... more bones?"

The official adjusted his glasses. "There's a priceless relic within the depths of the dungeon. You must find and retrieve the Golden Joey Bones in the last chamber." His explanation drew a communal gasp from Ruth and Artur. Mitras let out a quiet noise of surprise as she peered over Artur's shoulder, while Rathus just stared blankly.

"What the hell is a Golden Joey—" Rathus began, to be cut off at once by Artur, who had rushed forward, leaning past Ruth as he got way too far into the official's personal space.

"A Golden Joey Bones?!" he shouted. "Do we get to keep it?"

"No," the official said, sighing. "Once you get the Golden Joey Bones and make it back past the threshold of the Dungeon, the test will be complete. "

"Hang on a second," Rathus asked. "What's a Golden—"

"Oh, Rathus," Ruth sighed. "Do try to keep up."

The Gun Knight sighed. He looked over to Artur, who was busy stage whispering to Mitras, trying to convince her to magic up a dummy of the Golden Joey Bones, so that they could abscond with the real one. Ruth had begun to do some calisthenics, stretching her limbs and warming up, while the official marked something on his clipboard, then adjusted a stray strand of hair. He cleared his throat, and Artur leaped up, standing rigid and even throwing off a quick salute.

"We weren't scheming at all, sir!" he informed the official, apropos of nothing.

"Oh, good," the official replied drily. "I should tell you that I will be accompanying you into the dungeon in order to grade you on your progress."

"Oh, uh... perfect!" Artur said, flashing the official a friendly thumbs up. He turned quickly to Mitras and made a cutting gesture across his throat with the flat of his hand. The plan was abandoned as quickly as it was formed. Rathus stared at the Adventurer, wondering whether this would even be worth the hassle.

Artur looked around at the rest of his nascent team, then drew his axe and his shield from his back. He nodded to the official, thrusting forward the hand that held his battle-axe. The light of the braziers glistened off the steel double-head of the ax, as Artur grinned a smile.

"We're ready to start!" he declared, striking a pose with his axe raised defiantly into the air ahead of him, shield up and ready. Mitras instantly fell into line behind him, splaying her feet out while keeping her knees pointed together. She held her staff ahead of her, angled at a diagonal, with the head positioned above her other hand, which she thrusted out ahead, fingers splayed.

Artur spared a quick glance at Ruth and Rathus, as if realizing that they were there. He started to open his mouth to speak, but Ruth understood immediately and implicitly, deep to her very bones. The princess let out a quiet gasp, then ran over, standing on the other side of Artur. She started to lift a leg, then hesitated, looking around before instead moving to the other side of Mitras.

The princess struck her pose, turning to face the side, so that her back was to Mitras and Artur. She clasped her hands together and looked ahead and slightly up, closing her eyes as if in prayer. The indoor wind blew her hair so that it flowed behind her. Rathus stared at the group posing as a team and sighed, walking over to stand at the opposite side of Artur.

"Fine, I reckon I can get in on this. I spose," He tsundered, striking a pose that could only have been practiced hundreds of times in front of a mirror. He turned so that he was facing away from the official, the opposite direction of Artur, then shifted about forty-five degrees, to look over his shoulder. He raised his hand and gripped the brim of his hat, and gave his best steely look to the official, as the new and improved Red Thread of Fate posed as a team for the very first time. Shit was about to get real.

The official stared at them in silence, clearly awed and stunned by the power of their display. He looked down at his clipboard, tapped his pen at it a few times, then looked back up, clearing his throat.

"As I mentioned earlier, your time begins once you cross the threshold of the cave. You may begin whenever you're ready."

"Oh," Artur said, dropping his pose. Mitras stood up straight, turning an even deeper shade of lavender as her fellow Merrow gave her a scathing look of reproval. She took a half-step, vanishing behind Artur once again.

Artur casually twirled his axe, flourishing it as he walked to the edge of the threshold. A red line had been painted on the ground, level with the mouth of the cave. He turned to Ruth. "Are you ready, 'your highness'?"

Ruth looked back to Rathus, who nodded and patted his revolver. The princess turned to look ahead, into the impenetrable darkness of the tunnel. She nodded once, then stepped over the line, and into the dungeon.

*********

The pungent stench of mildew emanated from the wet dungeon walls. Ruth looked uneasily into the hallway ahead of her. Mitras had attacked the darkness with a Glow spell, which emanated from the crystal of her staff, and was illuminating the hallway about 30 feet ahead.

"Do we, um... should we be looking for secret doors?" Ruth asked Artur. "Are the secret rooms mandatory, or extra credit?"

"Uh, extra points," the Orc replied. "But it's pretty hard to get a perfect score, so it helps to make up for anything you miss."

"Hm," Ruth noted. "Oh, but this wouldn't be your first time passing through this dungeon, would it? Do they... change the location of the secret doors?"

Artur looked towards her, confused. "What do you mean? We've never been here before."

The pair shared a look of mutual perplexion, but Mitras seemed to grasp the source of the misunderstanding.

"We didn't train here," she explained quietly. "We registered in the Central District. Near the Capital."

"Ah, I see." Ruth noted. "If you don't mind telling me, how did it go?"

Artur puffed up, scratching at his nose with pride. "I'll have you know I was only a few points short of a thousand! 996."

Ruth, whose awareness of Adventurers was colored by books dealing mostly with the biggest, most legendary Adventurers (real or fictional) managed to keep a poker face.

"Wow!" she exclaimed, years of training allowing her to feign admiration. "That is certainly a score!" She turned towards Mitras, who had narrowed her eyes at the Princess. While Ruth had been disappointed to find that Artur was only an average beginner Adventurer and not a world-class ELO 2500 hero, she thought she'd hid it well. Evidently not well enough to fool a Merrow who was scrutinizing her.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

"1439," Mitras said simply. She met Ruth's poker face with her own, only the merest glint of pride visible in her eyes. Her rating established her as a fairly experienced new Adventurer, somebody who had been at it for a few years, and was starting to breach the divide between beginner and expert. To be granted that rating as a starting point spoke to great promise, Ruth stared at the Star Mage, who was practically glowing with fighting spirit, and literally glowing from her staff.

"Oh, amazing!" the princess said, almost convincingly enough to fool Mitras, "That's most impressive! Those were your original ratings, or your current ones?"

"They—" Artur began, then came to a halt, holding his axe at the ready. "Hang on, gang. I think there's a trap ahead."

Rathus dropped into his Battle Trance and looked around the hallway, stepping forward carefully. There were no tiles that looked out of place. No signs of wear or strain or friction on any of the stone. No hidden holes or mechanisms that he could see. He walked forward carefully, hand outstretched. If the trap was Law-based, such as a Domain with no breathable air or one that quickly heats up to boiling within seconds, it'd be invisible. Even the Script might be hidden behind a layer of stone.

However, if you were paying attention, you could feel a slight tingling sensation as you entered a Domain. Due to the Right of Habeas Corpus, you couldn't use Law to directly affect a living creature without direct consent. If it was as simple as writing a script to instantly set somebody's body temperature to a thousand degrees, or to shift one half of their body five feet up, then Stentorians would probably have ruled the entire world by now. However... if a Domain with special Law had already been set up and established, and you willingly walked into it, well...

Rathus felt no Domain as he stepped forward. However, he did see...

The Gun Knight walked up to meet Arthur at the edge of a hole. It was a square hole in the middle of the hallway, and stretched about 10 feet down the length of the passage. Rathus peered into its depths.

"Are ya sure it's not just... y'know, an empty pool or something?" he asked, very unimpressed with the five foot deep hole.

"I mean, I didn't say it was a good trap," Artur chuckled to him, his voice low. "But, y'know, this is training, so..." He looked over to the official for confirmation, who was trailing about ten feet behind the group.

"How deep is this pit, boss?" he asked, shouldering his axe.

The official walked to the edge of the pit and made a mark on his clipboard.

"We've arrived at the first challenge," he said, closing his eyes and Recalling. "This is a deep pit. An almost endless chasm. It must go down at least 60 feet, and you're pretty sure you can see sharp metal spikes at the bottom. Falling into this pit would be almost guaranteed death. If you want to continue any further, you must find out a way to cross safely."

After delivering his spiel, the official backed away, leaving the team to their discussion, and their fate.

Rathus stared down into the 5 foot deep pit. He turned to Ruth, clearing his throat.

"Oh no! This pit looks massive! If we fall in, it's sure to be instant death!" he exclaimed, his voice stilted and uneasy as he delivered the lines. Ruth walked up to the edge of the pit, and gave him a placating smile.

"Ha! Never fear, dear Rathus. Something like this is no problem for my potent abilities. Just watch and prepare to be amazed!" she answered, vibrating slightly as she projected her voice, dozens of pulp novels dancing through her head.

"But..." Rathus replied, his delivery slightly more at-ease as he let himself get caught up in the mood. "With the size of the pit... overcoming it? Is such a thing even possible?"

"Are uh, are you guys roleplaying?" Artur asked, scratching at his cheek with one clawed finger. Rathus looked at him, then cleared his throat, standing up a bit straighter. Ruth instantly flushed a bright red. Artur jerked back in surprise, then quickly waved his hand at them.

"No, hey, listen. That's cool as hell," He turned to look at Mitras over his shoulder, throwing her a thumbs up, before rushing to the edge of the pit.

"Damn!" he shouted, "To think it's come to this. I guess we'll have to use... that." He dropped to one knee, running a finger along the edge of the pit's wall, like a head butler inspecting the cleaning staff's performance. His finger came back smeared in wet dust, because I mean what the fuck do you expect would happen, it's a dungeon. He wiped it on his pants and stood up, turning to Mitras.

The Merrow looked from the slightly-embarrassed Gun Knight and princess, to the completely unrepentant Adventurer, and back.

"Kyaa~." she said, in a quiet squeak of a monotone. Artur turned and shot a triumphant look at the official, as everybody held their places, hanging on his response. The official stared at them, pen unmoving.

"Ok."

Artur took that as an endorsement, and flashed a wide grin as he paced back away from the pit. "Don't worry, gang. Let me show you how it's done!" With that, he took the pit at a run, passing by Mitras in a flash. The Star Mage watched him with a startled expression, reaching out for him as he dashed by.

"Ah." she muttered, as Artur soared across the pit, soaring like a bird across the gap, failing to fully clear it and slamming into the wall on the far side, also like a bird. He swung his hand, slamming his knife into the wall and slid down it, his feet almost immediately hitting the ground of the five foot pit. The Orc turned to sheepishly look at his team, rubbing the back of his head, which poked out of the pit at about knee level.

The official made a mark on the clipboard. "Artur Quilldrake. Disqualified."

Mitras turned to the official, eyes flashing, but was interrupted from whatever action she'd been planning on taking as Artur cleared his throat.

"Well, I'd have to contest that, as I'm allowed to do by Article 5 of the testing regulations."

The official closed his eyes, but rather than appearing to Recall, he just took a deep breath through his nose. After finding his happy place (probably somewhere involving a neatly organized filing cabinet) he opened his eyes again, staring down the Adventurer with a steely gaze.

"Fine." He held his pen to the clipboard as the Orc climbed out of the pit. "What are your grounds for contesting it?"

"Hehe..." Artur chuckled, winking to Ruth and Rathus. "That's a little something I picked up from when I first passed the test," he confided, Rathus was happy for him, but also wondered whether being familiar with the "I need a redo on my test" clause of the licensing exam was really something to brag about.

Artur dusted himself off, then gestured to the official with his knife.

"Okay, so, here's why it looked like I failed there. You, uh, said the pit was super deep, right?"

The official nodded slowly. "That's correct. Falling into it is instant death." He looked over at Mitras, and gave a haughty sniff. "Even if a Star Mage had cast Featherfall, you would still be trapped in a deep pit full of spikes." He looked down at the clipboard and adjusted his glasses, pushing them back up his nose.

"...there are also snakes in the bottom."

"Tut-tut," Artur tut-tutted, waving one finger back and forth. The official was at least somewhat relieved that it was the index finger, and not a different one, which was more frequent.

"You see... as I was falling, I stabbed my knife into the wall. Now, that pit's only five feet deep, so I hit the ground right away. But..." he leaned forward, raising his voice to a stage whisper, "If it were a real pit, I would have dug my knife into the wall, and stopped my fall. Then I'd just need to climb out."

The official sighed and rolled his eyes. He lowered his hand to his belt, lifting an Echo Conch shell from where it was strapped. The shell was coated in a thick rubber case, which was marked with cuts, abrasions, and in one case, a scorch mark. The official drew a small mute from the opening of the shell and lifted it to his mouth.

"Dougall," he said. "Obstacle one."

"Aye, on it," a thick Goblin accent replied. The official placed the mute back into the Shell Phone and strapped it back to his belt. He folded his hands in front of him, pressing the clipboard against his legs.

"We'll test your challenge to the disqualification," he explained. "Please just wait a few moments."

Rathus looked at the pit, wondering whether this would be a frequent occurrence. He didn't know how long the dungeon might take at this rate. While he doubted the three-headed wolf was about to catch a train out of here (after all, train service was down), Regis might still be alive, and if he was, every moment counted in tracking him down.

Ruth looked at the pit, turning her head this way and that. They waited for a few quiet and awkward minutes, but with the power of narration, you need only wait a single line. Soon, the stone wall of the dungeon rumbled, and dust puffed off in an rectangular outline, and a door of stone appeared, perking up the attention of the Adventurer team, who had been waiting for what seemed like a tiny eternity.

"Ah!" Ruth exclaimed, "There was a secret door right there?!"

"Nae," A goblin responded, as the door slid down into the ground. "I make m'oon doors, lass." The dust swirled in the air for as long as it was suitably dramatic, then quickly rushed to the ground at an unnatural speed.

An older Goblin man in faded blue workman's coveralls walked out of the wall, a short-handled sledgehammer slung over his shoulder. He was average height for a Goblin, coming up to about waist height, but had a stocky, built frame. He was square-shouldered and thick of chest, put together in mind for functional strength, looking much more like somebody who hauled iron rather than pumped it.

Flecks of dust and oil coated his coveralls and his gunmetal-gray skin. He moved his hand as if to dust himself off, but rather than actually brush the dirt, he just passed his hand across, Speaking:

"DUST"

The dust obeyed his command, springing from his clothes and skin and gathering in the palm of his hand, compressing into a tiny figurine of a rabbit. Now mostly clean (his Naming sadly didn't affect the oil, mustard, or sweat stains), he dropped the dust bunny to the side. He grinned an unnaturally-wide, sharp-toothed grin at the gathered Adventurers and tipped them an imaginary hat from his graying hair.

"Ma name's Dougall," he introduced himself. "Pleased as tits t'meet ye."

His red eyes darted across the team, before coming to rest on the official.

"What d'ye need?" he asked.

"We have an arbitration for a disqualification," the official explained. He gestured to the pit and explained the situation to Dougall.

"Oh, aye," Dougall replied after the official finished his explanation. The Goblin dungeoneer set his sledgehammer to rest on the wall and walked towards the edge of the pit, stretching his limbs. He stared down into the depths of the trap, then hopped into it.

"No!" Ruth shouted, reaching out towards him. The Goblin whirled at her from the bottom of the five foot depression, staring with an alarmed and perplexed expression on his face. The princess's cheeks flushed a bright pink.

"A-ah, my apologies," she muttered, suffering from a condition that medical experts call 'major cringe'. "I um, guess I got too immersed."

Dougall chuckled mirthfully. "Dinnae fash yersel', lass." he reassured her, falling to the ground and pressing his ear against the floor, scooting along it like a crab and stopping to listen every few steps. "Ah've seent fae odder things."

"O-oh, of course," Ruth replied, taking her turn to stare in confusion at the scuttling Goblin. The workman stood after he'd had his fill, apparently satisfied. He walked to the edge of the pit and hopped up, catching the ledge with one hand and hauling himself up.

"Reit. Nae problem. Sixty feet, aye?"

Artur frowned, looking from the Goblin, who was squatting at the edge of the pit, to the pit itself, and then to the official. "Huh? Sixty feet? What do you mean, sixty feet?" he asked.

The official rolled his eyes, hiding the gesture with the iconic glint of his glasses as he adjusted them. "Well, you claimed that if the pit was deeper, you would have been able to stop your descent and make your way across. That was the basis of your challenge, yes?"

"Err..." Artur began, scratching the back of his head. "I, well. Yeah, that's... I mean..." He looked at Dougall, who clapped his hands together and lifted one leg, as if he were a sumo wrestler about to start a match, or a dog about to piss on a tree.

"STONE"

Dougall Spoke, slamming his foot down onto the ground. There was a mighty tremor, and the bottom of the pit disappeared from view, plunging down into the earth, until it disappeared into the darkness. Dougall stood and stretched his lower back, looking a bit put out by the effort of commanding several tons of stone with his Naming.

"Um," Artur finished, effectively summarizing his point.

Dougall walked away from the pit, towards the official. The veteran dungeoneer pulled a waterskin from his belt and took a long draft, before swallowing and smacking his lips, looking up at the prim Merrow.

"Nae else?" he asked.

"That'll be all, thank you," the official answered him. The Goblin nodded in response, and stood in place, off to the side of the passage, waiting patiently. The official looked back to him.

"Were you going to get back to your other work?"

"Nae," the workman replied. "Gonnae watch."

He waited patiently, turning his attention to Artur, who looked at the pit and grit his teeth.

"A-all right," he said, lowering his voice into a determined growl. "I can do this!"

Mitras walked over to the Orc man, clasping her hand on his back in a show of support. She stared into Artur's eyes, matching his determination, a spark of purple glinting through her bright blue eyes.

"You can do this," she said, her voice quiet but insistent.

"I can do this," Artur repeated. Mitras stepped away, as Artur bounced from foot to foot. He gripped his knife in one hand, shaking out his limbs and steeling himself. He shook out his head, and nodded once.

"Alright! Let's do this! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—" he ran at a full sprint, before leaping across the pit. He soared through the air, legs flailing, and raised his dagger above his head.

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-oh." His scream broke into a small noise of surprise as he easily cleared the gap, landing on the other side of the pit with a few feet to spare, his knife still held expectantly above his head. He turned to face the official, and the two stared silently at each other for a few moments.

"Um," Artur asked. "Does this mean—"

"Yeah, sure," the official sighed, scratching something out on the clipboard, shaking his head. After he finished, he tapped the pen against the clipboard and looked up. "But the rest of you also have to clear the obstacle."

Mitras nodded once, and lifted her staff.

"Snap Fly," she casted, and flashed with a purple aura. She flew across the gap, the aura lasting around her for a few seconds before fading away.

"Hmph," the official said, unimpressed. "Just casting a spell? Well, alright, I suppose. Don't forget that you are graded on style as well." He shot a pointed look at Mitras, who slunk back behind Artur, averting her eyes. Artur glanced over at Mitras, then frowned at the official, arching an eyebrow.

"Well, I thought it was real impressive!" Artur countered, "Makes me wish that I could use Star Magic!"

The official rolled his eyes, then looked over to the remaining two Adventurers. Rathus appraised the pit, looking at it thoughtfully, and then at the princess, looking her up and down and attempting to estimate her weight.

"I think I could make the jump while carrying you," Rathus told her. "Don't think it'd be much of an issue."

The princess scoffed, tossing her hair out behind her with a flip of her hand. She gave the Imperial Knight a smug smirk, shaking her head slowly.

"Don't underestimate me, Rathus!" She chastened him. "I'm not some helpless babe."

"Don't worry," the Gun Knight responded, the hint of a smirk tugging at the side of his mouth. "I'd never call you a babe."

Ruth turned and narrowed her eyes at the Gun Knight, trying to determine whether he was badmouthing her or agreeing.

"Hm," she hmed, staring at him in suspicion for a moment longer to let him know he wasn't off the hook. The princess gracefully walked to the edge of the pit, staring into the depths. Rathus watched her carefully, dropping into his battle trance just in case whatever she had planned didn't work out.

The Princess crouched down and ran her hand along the corner of the ledge face, closing her eyes and cocking her head, as if listening to a voice unheard. She opened her eyes and stood, then realized with distaste that her hand was messy with wet dirt. She withdrew one of her handkerchiefs and quickly cleaned her hand. The princess stared down the pit, watching it like a gladiator awaiting his opponent, and hoping it wasn't the fucking lions again.

Ruth took a deep breath, then held her hand out, gritting her teeth. She closed her eyes, screwing her face up with concentration, and then Spoke.

"STONE"

Slowly, with great effort, a sheet of rock erupted from the side of the pit, an inch or two below the floorline. It was rectangular, about 2 feet wide, by 6 inches high. The Stentorian princess shoved forward with her hand, and the rock continued to slide out, bridging the gap until it slammed into the stone face on the opposite side. Ruth clenched her hand into a fist, and her makeshift bridge shoved into the wall, stone fusing to stone.

The princess dropped her hand and gasped, staggering back a bit. Rathus shifted, and caught her around the shoulder as she stumbled, setting her back onto her feet.

"Well done," he praised her, "That's a hell of a solution."

"A-as expected," she replied, beaming with tired pride. She took an uneasy step towards the bridge, then moved to the wall instead, bracing herself with one hand as she recovered.

"A-apologies," she told the team. "It's been some time since I've commanded Stone. I'm a bit out of practice."

"Dang!" Artur exclaimed, whistling as he examined the bridge. "That's great! You should've told us, though. If I'd known you knew the Name of Stone, I wouldn't have bothered jumping the gap." He looked over at the official. "Successfully, I might add."

"You jumped over without even bothering to ask any of us," Rathus noted.

Artur gave a sheepish chuckle, rubbing the back of his head. "Still, though!" he insisted happily, leaving his argument at that.

Mitras, also looking over the bridge, gave Ruth a small smile, and a nod. "Solid construction," she judged.

"Aye," Dougall opined, offering his judgement without being asked, just because it seemed the hip thing to do. "Is fine work fae a Stento. Ah've a mind tae offer ye a job, efn tae Adventuring dinnae work out."

Artur chuckled. "Don't worry! We're gonna ace the test! And besides, she doesn't need work, because, uh," The Orc looked around furtively, then winked at Dougall. "She's a princess," he 'confided'.

"Och, one a thems, int it?" he nodded, familiar with the type.

The official leaned over, speaking to the Goblin out of the corner of his mouth.

"She actually is a Princess. One of King Greer's daughters. I'm not sure why they're... behaving as if she isn't."

"Och, one a thems, int it?" Dougall asked with a nod, still familiar with the type.

Ruth, blushing with the simultaneous pride and embarrassment of somebody unused to praise, toyed with the hem of her dress, looking away from the group. She'd recovered from her previous exertion, and so quickly walked across the bridge,

That left only Rathus. The Gun Knight looked at the official and nodded. Graded on style, huh? He'd show the official 'style.' Rathus backed up a step, then sprinted towards the pit. He turned and leapt, backflipping over the deep expanse, landing backwards on the other side. His momentum sent him into a skid, and he dropped into a three-point crouch as his boots scraped backwards across the stone, kicking up musty dust. Then Gun Knight stood up fixed the collar of his jacket.

"...How was that?" he asked, smirking.

"Rathus..." Ruth began, eyes wide in shock. "Why didn't you just use the bridge?"

The Gun Knight looked at the perfectly serviceable bridge she had made, and felt heat start to rise in his cheeks. "Uh, well..."

"Honestly! Why would you take such a pointless risk? Were you just trying to show off?

"Show-off," Mitras said, staring through Rathus with her typical expressionless demeanor.

"I—" He began, looking at the official, who was shaking his head and marking on his clipboard.

"That was AMAZING!" Artur said, eyes glimmering as he stared in awe at the Gun Knight. "How'd you do that?!"

Rathus straightened up, smiling slightly "Well, y'know. All the standards. Eat your veggies, Make sure to exercise. Be a living weapon created by the Empire. Just the basics."

The official followed behind them, walking around the pit to continue along the path.

"Oh, aye!" Dougall called out as they left, indignantly. "Ah'll just unfeck this then, aye? Goan walk off."

The Goblin spat in protest as the party left down the hallway. They felt a faint rumble as he began his Naming to restore the pit to its original condition, his movements dim as the light from Mitras's staff slowly moved away from him.

Ruth looked back the way they'd come. "Will he be alright in the dark like that?"

"Goblins see in the dark," Mitras noted.

"Alright, gang!" Artur announced, raising his axe ahead of him. "We've made it past the first challenge, but look sharp! That won't be the only challenge we need to overcome!" The Orc flashed a wide smile, which glinted in the light of Mitras's spell.

"But don't worry! I have confidence in us! As long as we work as a team, nothing will be able to stop us!"

Rathus somehow felt less than reassured by Artur's speech. It wasn't the speech itself, mind you. That was good 7/10 in Rathus's book, A bit generic, but it didn't overstay its welcome, and seemed earnest. But... the context was a bit more worrying. Rathus stared at the Adventurer ahead of him as the young man flashed a thumbs up to Mitras, turning to look behind him as he walked forwards into the darkness. A good speech was all fine and well, but if you felt the need to deliver one after crossing a ten foot gap...

Well, it didn't bode well. The Gun Knight scanned the sides of the corridor. It'd probably be a good idea to find as many secret rooms as they could. They might wind up needing the extra credit.

*********

Unfortunately for the Gun Knight, there were no hidden doors on the route to the next challenge. Or... he really hoped there weren't any. None that he saw, at least. Eventually, the cave passage opened up to a wide chasm, spanned by a narrow rope bridge. Jeweled walls glittered below, and above, mushrooms glowed with Natural Law, illuminating the entire chamber with a multitude of soft points of light.

Rathus could tell all of this at once, as the black rug, scattered glitter, and candelabra were all labeled with pieces of paper to indicate what they represented, like some kind of political cartoon. The Gun Knight felt strangely at home, still wearing the "Equipment" label as he was.

He looked at the two sets of steps on either side of the rug-chasm. At least they'd been able to afford an actual rope bridge, if nothing else. Although, judging by the appearance, he suspected the bridge had been reclaimed from a children's play park, or one of the Kidz Zone structures that a few of the Makkas' restaurants had.

He looked over to the official. "This might be a dumb question," Rathus began. The meticulous Merrow middle-manager raised an eyebrow as if to challenge the very notion that the Gun Knight's question could even compare to the depths of stupidity he'd seen in his tenure.

"Might be a bit rude too, but." The Gun Knight gestured to the black rug running the length of the room, specifically towards the 'This is a chasm' label.

"You guys have Goblin Dungeoneers, don't you? They could use Naming to make all kinda things. Ain't this a bit... I dunno, phoned in?"

The official looked at the bargain bin simulacrum of a breathtaking subterranean vista and nodded. "It's... by design, unfortunately. If we make the training too realistic, we find it winds up... confusing people."

He shuddered, tilting his head to give the Gun Knight a thousand-yard stare. "They, ah... tend to forget that it's just training, and get... carried away. That's why we wear armor." He rapped his knuckles on the breastplate he was wearing.

Yeah, that sounded about right. Rathus turned back towards the next challenge. An old, bearded man was standing on top of one of the sets of stairs, holding a goat, a cabbage, and a goblin wearing a wolf mask at the entrance to the bridge.

Artur stood with one hand on his hips, the other scratching his chin as he appraised the situation.

"Hmm," he mused. "So it's a trick. We need to decide whether we kill the goat, or the wolf."

Ruth looked up at the stairs, alarmed. She hadn't come to that conclusion at all! She'd assumed it was some sort of puzzle, but... she did have to admit there was a certain amount of sense in Artur's judgement. Nonsense, mostly, but that was the kind of sense Adventurers tended to prize above all others. She narrowed her eyes, looking at the situation through the lens of the noble murderhobo. And then... she had it! Of course!

"Hmph... don't be ridiculous," she said haughtily. "It's obvious that the old man is the ringleader. We kill him."

"I don't think that's it," Rathus replied, clasping a hand on her shoulder as a pre-emptive measure.

The official sighed quietly, then Recalled and began to recite.

"You come to a beautiful, but deadly chasm. The only passage across is a narrow wooden bridge. However, in order to pass the bridge, you must first help a kindly old man across. Please do not kill the man or his pets. He is not an enemy."

Artur nodded. That was a bit of an ask, but the team could probably swing it.

"The old man can only take a single item across the bridge at a time, and must get across his cabbage, his sheep, and his wolf."

"That's a goat," Artur helpfully pointed out.

"Nae, 'e means me, but," the Goblin wearing the wolf mask called out, raising his hand.

"You're playing the wolf this time, Eiric," the official groaned, rubbing his forehead. Why did they always break character?

The Goblin took his mask off, frowning, and turned it around to examine it.

"Och," he exclaimed, "Pay me nae mind. Got me heid stuck en yeisterdae,"

"ANYWAYS..." the official continued, raising his voice. "You must help the old man get across the chasm. He may only bring a single item across the chasm, leaving the other two behind. If he leaves the—"

"Goat, nothing, wolf, goat, cabbage, nothing, goat," Mitras replied, listing the order quickly and simply. The official blinked at her, then glanced down at the clipboard, comparing her answer to what was written there.

He looked up at the Star Mage and scowled, wrinkling his nose in distaste. Getting over his initial surprise, the official lowered his voice. He chuckled to himself, his glasses glinting with a dismissive, casual cruelty. "Ah, I see," he said, his voice dripping with the smug realization of somebody who'd just figured out how the movie is going to end and is prepared to shout it out so that everybody else in the theater knows how smart they are. "You've already memorized the answer, haven't you? Had a look at our test questions ahead of time?"

Mitras shrank back at the accusation, shaking her head fervently. "No, I—"

"Sure, sure," he replied dismissively, pen darting across the clipboard as he crossed things out and rewrote them. "I'm sure you do things differently among your own kind in the Capital, but here, you have to pass your tests on your own."

"I—"

"I should really disqualify you on the spot for cheating, you know, but I'm feeling gracious. I'll just prepare an alternate puzzle for you to solve. And... here... we are. Okay."

The official cleared his throat and raised his voice, interrupting Artur, who was busy inspecting the bridge, seeing if there was a hidden trick to the puzzle.

"I've changed the scenario. Listen carefully to the new puzzle."

The adventurer turned, and Ruth perked up as well, sitting on a wrought-iron bench which was labeled "moss-covered rock". She'd taken the opportunity of downtime to jot some notes down into her book. She blotted the page, closing the cover on the blotter paper and tucking it into her bag.

The official nodded in a particularly self-satisfied manner. That flounder may have solved the riddle, but who needed a timeless brain teaser when he had his derivative, much more intelligent one that he made up on the spot. "The problem is like this: The old man must get his wolf, his goat, and his cabbage all across the bridge. He can only take one item at a time, and so must make multiple trips. However, the goat is a deadly man-eater."

At his words, the Wolf-Goblin and the Old Man both started, staring in horror at the goat and shying away.

"If the goat is left alone with either the man or the wolf, it will eat them. If both the man and wolf are on the same side of the chasm, the goat is out-numbered, and will not attack them. In addition, the goat is absolutely terrified of cabbage. If there is cabbage on the same side as the goat, the goat will not attack the man or the wolf, even if they are alone."

Rathus scratched at his chin, trying to process the convoluted puzzle, but the Merrow official was not finished yet. He went on, his glasses shining with enthusiasm. "However, the goat is so afraid of cabbage, that if the goat is left alone with the cabbage, it will hurl itself into the chasm in fear."

The man gestured towards the Wolf-Goblin. "The wolf is a vegetarian, and loves cabbage,"

"Aye," the Wolf-Goblin agreed, (presumably) grinning underneath his wooden mask.

"If the wolf is left alone with the cabbage, he will eat the cabbage. However, if the goat is there, he will be too scared to eat his only lifeline."

The official smiled wide. "You must tell the man how to cross the bridge in order to pass this challenge."

Artur scratched his head. "So... the goat is afraid of the cabbage, and... hm..."

He puzzled at it for a while, as Ruth gathered her bag back up and climbed the stairs to speak to the man. The Orc shrugged and followed her up as well. The official watched them, although they were currently out of hearing range, so he couldn't make out what they were saying.

"Not possible..." Mitras said quietly, frowning. The official turned to her, grinning.

"I'm sorry? What was that? Are you having trouble?"

"No," Mitras said, shaking her head. "It's not possible to solve. Wolf will eat the cabbage and goat will eat the old man. Goat will eat the wolf. Goat will run away from the cabbage." She looked to Rathus for confirmation, and after a moment's thought, the Gun Knight nodded to her.

The official was less impressed. He tutted his tongue, giving her a piteous shake of the head, although his true expression was masked by the glow of light on the lenses of his glasses.

"You aren't thinking like a real adventurer. There is a solution. Maybe not a solution where you all make it across, but there is a solution. For instance, the goat will no longer be hungry if somebody stays behind to be eaten. It'd be a sacrifice, but the rest of the team would be able to make it. Of course, the goat doesn't like to eat Orcs or Stentorians."

"If that's the case, why would the old man be afraid of it?"

The official waved him off. "The old man's a Goblin on stilts."

Rathus did a double-take and observed the old man pulling at the goat's lead, and realized that he was right. He'd thought it was just a Stentorian man with a very deep Winter complexion, but it was actually a gray-skinned Goblin wearing a false build, on stilts. The beard and cloak did a pretty good job of hiding the details, but now that he knew what to look for, it was obvious. The odd, stilted way of walking was probably due not to any infirmity, but more to actual stilts.

Mitras was staring at the official, frustration fraying the edges of her iconic stoic expression.

"So, it sounds like yer suggestin' we sacrifice you to the goat?" Rathus asked, voice taking on a friendly cadence while he asked whether the official would care to be eaten alive.

"Hurting the proctor is grounds for an instant fail," the official said, smug in his bureaucratic immunity.

"You..." Mitras began. She looked at Rathus, then at the official again, her face flushing. She opened her mouth to speak, when her savior interrupted her.

"Hey! We solved it!" Arthur called, from across the bridge. The official looked up in shock, to find the Old Man Stilts-Goblin, the Wolf-Goblin, the Cabbage and Goat (probably not Goblins) on the far side, along with Ruth and Artur.

"Huh?"

"We got across!" Artur explained. "Going one at a time, like you said." He gestured to the Wolf Goblin. "I went across first with the wolf. The goat didn't eat anybody, because there was more than one person on the other side."

He gestured to the Old Man Stilts-Goblin, who was holding the goat's lead, and edging away from it. "Then, we had the Old Man come across with the goat. We weren't sure if he'd eat the Old Man on the bridge, so I did some jumping jacks at it to make sure it knew it wasn't alone."

"You... that's not—" the official stammered, before Ruth jumped into the explanation, cutting him off.

"And then I followed up the rear, with the cabbage!" She boasted, holding up the vegetable in question.

The official shook his head. "That's not how the challenge works. I'm going to have to disqualify you for—"

"No you ain't," Rathus countermanded. running his finger casually along the brim of his hat. The official froze, and slowly turned on the spot to face the unstoppable living weapon, the Imperial Gun Knight, and glared at him with the white-hot intensity of a man whose meager scraps of authority had been challenged. He was as a fast food shift lead, and the trainee McGaff had just refused to clean out the ice cream machine.

"You're going to try to tell me how to do my job, are you?" he demanded.

Rathus shrugged nonchalantly. "Only when ya ain't doin' it right."

The official's teal skin turned a deep green as the blood rushed to his face.

"Listen, pal. I don't care if you're a Gun Knight, in here, what I say goes. Got it?"

Rathus nodded, pulling out a cigarette at tapping it against his steel cigarette case. He spoke with casual ease, not even bothering to look at the official.

"Yeah, I got it," he replied.

"Well, you'd better— huh?" the Merrow man straightened up, cocking his head to the side. He hadn't expected the Gun Knight to fall into line so easily. His head immediately swelled with pride, and he wondered if the 'Equipment' tag that Rathus wore was somehow helping.

"You're the boss, and what you say goes," Rathus continued.

The official, now incorrectly confident in his dominance, stood up straight and even preened a bit, adjusting his necktie.

"Well... Good. Great. I'm glad you understand how things work. Now then..." He began to walk towards the bridge to tell the Adventurers the good news, when Rathus's continued impertinence froze him in his tracks.

"Of course, that does mean you can't disqualify them."

The official sighed, and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He'd need the maximum nerd power available to him to set this buffoon straight. He turned and fixed the Gun Knight in a patronizing stare, and explained himself slowly, as if he were talking to a child.

"I can obviously disqualify them. I laid out the terms of the challenge as clear as day. They ignored all that, and took the items across themselves, completely invalidating their solution. Therefore, the bridge collapses, and they all fall into the chasm, because the riddle remains unsolved."

Rathus looked up at the representative of the Sunset Ridge Adventuring Guild, and the long-time proctor of Adventuring Licensing exams, and replied with his well-reasoned, irrefutable counter-argument.

"Nah."

The official rolled his eyes with a scoff, and turned back to the bridge, before he was interrupted again, the Gun Knight calling out to his back.

"Cause, y'see. You're the boss. And what you say goes," Rathus snapped open his lighter, cupping the flame and bringing it up to the cigarette in his mouth. "And you were very clear with Mitras about her bein' able to sacrifice herself to th'goat."

He snapped the lighter shut while the official slowly, ever so slowly, turned his head to look over his shoulder at the Gun Knight, his head grinding with all the speed of an ill-advised granite merry-go-round.

"Now, stands to reason that if she can sacrifice herself, that means we can interact with th'goat. Which means we can also interact with the wolf and th'old man. Cabbage too." He took a drag on his cigarette, then pinched it between two fingers, gesturing with it towards the bridge.

"Which means that accordin' to you, what they did on the bridge there is all within th'rules. Simple an' Clean."

The official knew, begrudgingly, that the Gun Knight had a point. But still, he was finding it hard to let it go. He looked back to the bridge, where the Wolf Goblin was taking a break to show Ruth proper stabbing technique. The official knew that he'd been caught in a logic trap. He'd gotten a bit too overzealous.

"But, they—"

"Hey!" Artur called, shouting from the far set of stairs. "We rehabilitated the goat as well! Do we get extra credit?"

Rathus looked over at the goat to see it happily eating the cabbage, having overcome its fear. Artur smiled widely, proud of his accomplishment, and blind to the fact that he had just removed the only obstacle standing in the way of the goat's bloody reign of terror.

The official withered, looking over to the Gun Knight, and sighed; it was a long, weary sound like somebody letting the air slowly out of an untied balloon, but with slightly less farting noises and squealing.

"Fine. Sure. Whatever. Let's move on."

Artur pumped his fist into the air, leaping down from the stairs, as Ruth pat the goat on the head and followed after. Rathus and Mitras went across the bridge to follow, while the official demonstrated his raw magical talent by walking unaided on the "chasm" as he crossed the room.

Mitras hopped down from the stairs once safely across, and swiftly power-walked to keep pace with Artur.

"Hey, sorry we solved it without asking you," Artur apologized. "I saw you were talking with the proctor and didn't want to interrupt." He gave the Star Mage an encouraging smile. "What were you two talking about, anyhow? I couldn't really hear from the bridge."

Mitras looked back to the official, who had drifted pretty far to the back of the pack, and was walking listlessly. The official glanced up at her with a scowl, and she quickly averted her gaze.

"..." she didn't begin, "...nothing."

Artur's smile faded, and he looked over his shoulder to fix the official with an appraising look. "Him too, huh?"

Mitras said nothing, but nodded. Artur frowned at the official. "...Damn it." He said. "Shit. I'm sorry." He looked back at Mitras and clasped a hand on her shoulder.

"If you can rough it out for a bit, we just need to get through this dungeon."

Mitras nodded, and the continued down the hallway, moving through the dark passages until they came into a new room, a large chamber full of patches of rough terrain, a ladder inexplicably set up on a wall, a chandelier hanging tantalizingly close to a set of steps that led to a raised platform and nothing else.

Rathus looked to one side and saw a tall pole with pitons jammed into it, culminating in a zipline at the top. There was also a pit full of water, with a sign next to it indicating that the pit was "Deadley Acid".

In short, it looked like a completely normal room, where nothing unexpected might happen. Artur led the way, intending to cross uneventfully to the other side.

Suddenly, and unexpectedly, a gang of Goblins wearing leather armor and skullcaps leapt out from behind a random bush that had been planted in the middle of the room, probably for expressly this purpose.

Artur jumped back, bringing up his axe to bear and doing his best to look intimidating as possible, which was easy considering he was a 6'5" Orc. The Goblins spread out, menacing the team with harmless wooden daggers, training wooden axes, and a safety-first wooden greatclub.

"You are ambushed!" the official recited, his eyes flickering as he Recalled. "2d— I mean, 6 Brigands have leapt out of their hiding places to assault you! They menace you with weapons, and threaten to steal your money and/or life. It seems there is no negotiating, no bargaining, and no peace that can be made with these fiends. They a—"

Six shots rang out in a rapid-fire staccato. Sparks flew from the surrounding area as shots ricocheted from various surfaces, and six Goblins fell dead almost simultaneously, shot through the head from a myriad of angles.

Artur turned, eyes wide, to behold Rathus, half-crouched and holding his smoking revolver. The Gun Knight noticed Artur out of the corner of his eye, and spun the revolver, blowing away the smoke before flourishing it and putting it back in his Holdster. He had just expended all the shots, but he could reload later. The opportunity to be cool as fuck was rare.

"They..." the official muttered, crestfallen as he stared at the encounter, ended before it had even begun.

Rathus cracked his neck, then stretched out his arms as he casually looked over at the petrified official.

"So..." he asked, "How many points was that worth?"