The thunderous chorus of polymer clad feet numbed my own. Their chitters and chatters molested my ears in ways only the most hormonal earwigs could. The smells of salt, sulphur and artificial fruits would only be pleasant as a ward for the ill humours of the bubonic plague.
Just another day at the beach ay’... I sighed internally. I’ve lived near the beach my whole life and have prided myself on the meagre amounts of times I’ve had to set my sights on the accursed blue abyss. Alas my mother had forced me out to its shores one last time, before I leave for America and start a new life there. Yes! Soon I’ll be free of this backwater tourist hellhole known as Blackpool and the island it resides on. A land of culture, entertainment, and beautiful women awaits me. My biggest regret in life will always be how I was too late to join an American high school and instead must settle for their college lifestyle. Oh how I so strongly desired to wear one of those red jersey jackets things, date a cheerleader and keep my belongings in a locker.
“David! David!” A mature feminine voice yelled in front of me, breaking my train of thought. The shrill voice belonged of course to my mother. A bosomous buxom woman in her late thirties.
“What?” I yelled in reply.
“Hurry up, will ya luv? Can’t keep waiting for ya.” She tutted
I ground my teeth at that remark. The woman had dragged me out against my wishes, and then demanded that I obey her chosen pace, like a docile donkey. My body simply wasn’t designed for the outdoors. My Seventeen stone weight (238lb), combined with my dwarf-like legs made walking a truly masochistic task.
After a minute of my mother waiting and my eventual catching up, I noticed that there was a fish ‘n’ chips stand behind her.
“Mum... Get me some... Chips...” I gasped in between my pained breaths of exhaustion.
“But David, you only just ate twenty minutes ago.”
“So...” Was all that I could muster in response.
“Fine.” She sighed. Giving up easily, like usual.
I watched intently as my mother asked the man behind the counter for a tray of chips, myself, only ever speaking during the process when it occurred to me I would also like a few other goodies to go along with my fried potatoes or the rectangle variety.
Once she was done, she handed me my tray of chips, gravy, fishcake and battered sasguage; taking off once again with the unspoken agreement that I follow her.
* * * * * *
With the contents of my Styrofoam container happily devoured, I dropped is effortlessly onto the floor and took in my surroundings. It seemed that my mother had managed to lure me onto the dreaded beach, as I lost myself in the ecstasy of quality northern cuisine. When I mean beach, I don’t mean the barely tolerable bit with tons of food stands and arcades. I mean the sandy part with water, donkeys, their shit, more water, and the children who like basking in all of dreadful nouns.
Just before I could plant my voluptuous arse on the last bit of concrete haven my mother called out to me –
“Come on David, let’s go for a swim.” She commanded in that annoyingly happy tone of hers.
“Don’t wanna.”
“Please. You’re leaving in a month and Lord knows that this will be the last time I’ll ever manage to get you out here again.”
“No.” Locking eyes with her, as I unleashed all my teenage angst into my pupils.
We stared at one another for about ten seconds before my mother let out her sigh of defeat and headed to the water on her own.
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I watched my mother walk away. Her steps seemed slower than usual and somehow managed to look heavier. They angered me. At first all the anger was directed purely at my mother, but soon I could feel drops of it leaking onto myself. With a sigh even heavier than my mother’s, I got myself upright and plodded after the woman.
She quickly made it to the ocean; turning around one last time before she allowed it to embrace her. Shock was more clear on her face than the spots on a child’s first drawing of a dog – as she saw me scuttling towards her. She did not say anything, but I could see the joy, just before she turned around again and attempted to swim in the giant pool of salted fish piss.
It was my turn now. The water cascading backwards and forwards on my toes informed me that my time on land was now over. It had been a many a year since I last swam in the sea, or at all for that matter. I think I actually enjoyed it at some point. I think I used to like quite a few things that didn’t involve the internet, computer games, or pulling on the dangly thing between my massive thighs.
With a heavy heart, I took the first step...
Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot.
I marched on through the extremely wet sand, only finally taking pause when my body was submerged completely in water from the chest downwards. My body spasmed painfully from the cold. My now soaked T-shirt clung to my goose bumped skin. Tighter now than my shirts normally were.
I remained static in the water, allowing my body to adjust to its new habitat. My panicked breath had finally reached a state of equilibum, just before the moment that will change my life occurred...
I felt a sudden force of great strength wrap itself around my shin. Before I could react, I felt something else grab hold of me, then another... Then another...
I screamed and jumped up and down, this only seemed to encourage my unknown assailant. A barrage of sticky arm-like things clung to my body, and began to climb it in a grotesque and weirdly lazy manner. Something long and the colour of an almost ripened satsuma took hold of my right shoulder and threatened to crush the bones beneath it. Two more appendages grabbed my physical body before I finally gained enough sense to try and be rid of them. I squeezed and pushed the one on my shoulder with both hands; attempting to pry it of my body. It was surprisingly soft, like velvet. Velvet drenched in cooking oil.
How does the old saying of again: ‘You can’t judge a book by its texture’? That was certainly true in this case, because no matter how hard I pulled it never budged an inch. It felt like thousands of tiny hands had latched themselves onto my flesh. I was so focussed on this one particular alien limb fastened to my shoulder, that I didn’t even notice the others had all intertwined themselves around my body.
I was no almost entirely covered by this mass of Lovecraftian horror. Our bodies so close, so intimate, we were a hybrid of man and trypophobia inducing muscles. A small thought in the deep recesses of my mind thought off those Japanese cartoons in which schoolgirls are attacked by tentacles in an unorthodox kind of way – which I totally don’t watch and I’m not even sure if they exist...
Just before I passed out from helpless suffocation, as the creature had long forced me to expel whatever precious oxygen I kept in my body. I remember feeling a slight pinch on my neck and the shrill screams of my mother somewhere in the distance...
I didn’t even last three minutes in the sea.