Wen Reian

2019 years after The Long Night

Hêi’àn Palace

That was the night in which Wen Reian decided on perhaps the scariest, hardest thing of all. It was a thought that pervaded his dreams, so much so that when the healer stirred awake around six, the sky barely lit and Lan Kai-Le still sleeping soundly beside him, Reian knew his anxiety wouldn’t leave his body until he went through with it.

Untangling himself from the sleepy bear in his bed, managing not to disturb him as he snuck out, Wen Reian quickly bathed and dressed himself in pitch darkness, knowing where everything was by memory. He had so many memories here, so much that he’d done and given up for where he was and who he got to spend the last fifteen years of his life with...

And I would not trade those years for anything, nothing at all. But for myself, for Lan Kai-Le and for the future I’m hoping to build, the past I’m trying to let go of, I need to make space for myself to grow. That space can’t be here.

Wen Reian left his room, soundlessly moving through the candle-lit halls of the palace, down the stairs onto the landing where Yi-jun and Songcai slept. The palace wasn’t awake yet, and every one of his footsteps in the utter silence just made Reian’s heart sink deeper and deeper in his chest, like an anchor being lowered.

He could never have been brave enough to do this a few months ago, yet now here he was, chasing himself, when for years the very thought of it made him want to die. Despite Reian’s confidence that this was what he truly wanted, fear still gripped at him, threatening to take over as he imagined the worst-case scenario for what Xie Yi-jun’s reaction might be.

When I tell him, what could he possibly say after everything we’ve been through?! I’ve been tied to this man by choice and by things I couldn’t control since I was not even twenty years old, it’s been a decade of loving him in so many ways. Would he see this as a betrayal? Would he be heartbroken? I couldn’t stand to make him unhappy, or have him think that my leaving is anything to do with him or Songcai...

Despite his ricocheting thoughts, Wen Reian found himself standing outside the couples’ door in no time, and then it was merely a few seconds of waiting without even having to knock, until a very exhausted looking Xie Yi-jun cracked open the door with a surprised but shy smile.

Songcai and Yi-jun, for the most part, can both sense me. I wonder if they can also sense how bloody terrified I am-

“Wen Rei?” the King’s robes were hastily tied, and tied incorrectly at that. Songcai must have dressed him in the dark when they felt Reian approaching.

“I know it’s early,” the healer's throat was tight. “But I have to talk to you.”

He’d realized a while ago that it was definitely best to have this conversation while Lan Kai-Le was asleep on the other side of the palace, because gods did he get possessive! Especially around Yi-jun…

The King didn’t seem shocked by his words, only nodding and about to open the door to let Reian inside, but the healer knew that if he tried to explain himself in front of Jin Songcai as well, he would likely lose the nerve. He’d really rather disappoint Yi-jun first, and Songcai later.

Jin Songcai would always be the person Reian didn’t want to let down the most, even more than Yi-jun in a way. The man was genuinely Reian’s life-teacher, and someone he looked up to so much. It pained his heart to imagine Songcai’s expression, the shock and dissatisfaction written plainly on his face, if he told them both right now.

“Could we go somewhere?” Reian swallowed anxiously, “Just us?”

Xie Yi-jun didn’t say anything for a second, then he nodded again, leaning in the room to whisper something to Songcai and then joining Reian in the hallway.

Here with him, Wen Reian found it difficult, even now, to look at Xie Yi-jun and not see the first man he’d ever loved. The man he’d risked his life for, given everything for, and never imagined parting with for the rest of his days.

Back then I might have said that Yi-jun was all I needed, but I am not that person anymore and neither is he… it’s horribly sad to think that in saving him, I destroyed the boy he fell in love with, but in a way it’s true-

I have watched him take on the responsibility of leading a broken kingdom, raising a child, marrying the love of his life. I’ve never once thought it to be unfair, how everything turned out, since both Yi-jun and Songcai were pieces of my heart reunited with mine. To be with them was to be whole. It is all I ever wanted-

“Shall we go to The Tower?”

That was near his bedroom…

Reian shook his head quickly, “No. How about the staircase to the lower level?”

Clearly the King was surprised. No one went there as no one lived there anymore, save the occasional ghost. He was pretty sure only a handful of individuals in the palace even knew where it was located.

Which is why it’s perfect, just in case Lan Kai-Le starts hunting around for me, at least it’ll be somewhere out of the way...

“After you,” Yi-jun said.

They walked in silence the whole time, though it never felt strange. A lot of Reian’s tension and unease melted away as he once again felt the powerful effects of Xie Yi-jun’s soul, warmly and familiarly mingling with his.

I wonder what Lan Kai-Le’s soul would feel like, if I ever got the chance to coax it out-

“Wen Rei?”

He stopped. Before he’d even realized, they’d ended up at the top of the stairs, the archway leading down ominous and frankly a little scary. The two ended up standing under it, facing each other in the hidden alcove by the staircase. Wen Reian kept wringing his hands, before finally Yi-jun broke the silence.

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“Something has been bothering you for a long time.”

Reian wanted to explain, but was suddenly tongue-tied as he stared deeply into the King’s beautiful brown eyes...

“I-”

Xie Yi-jun exhaled, “Whatever it is, you can tell me, Reian. You know I’m always on your side, no matter what.”

No matter what... no matter what. Those words echoed through his head now as he wasted precious seconds. No matter what, no matter-

Will Xie Yi-jun be upset when I tell him? Will he really love me, no matter what? No matter what, even if I do what I always promised I wouldn’t? Leave-

“Wen Rei? I can feel it, you’re hurting yourself by keeping it inside…”

The healer frowned, but ended up nodding in agreement. He was trying!

Yi-jun sighed and brought his hands up to the man’s shoulders, gently reassuring him and definitely calming Wen Reian from just the simple touch.

I no longer get butterflies in my stomach or stars in my eyes, but I’d be lying if I said that Yi-jun’s touch was not one of the most comforting things on this earth-

“I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you…” he eventually got out. “But every time I imagined it, I got too scared.”

Xie Yi-jun was listening intently, “Well, start from the beginning.”

Reian wanted to laugh as the knot in his throat kept growing.

“There wasn’t a beginning. There wasn’t one day that I woke up and knew. It was just there, and eventually it got big enough to feel.”

He swallowed, lowering his eyes and trying to force himself to stop shaking-

“I stopped knowing the direction I was going. For so long I thought I was going toward you, toward Songcai and A’Jun and Hêi’àn City, and being a healer. I don’t know how it began, the sense that I wasn’t where I belonged. It must have been at least three or four years ago, maybe more, I don’t know.

“Anyway... having only known you, having only memories of us, I was genuinely happy. I really was, so happy here. But just like my memories of who I was before, a part of me felt missing. For a while I assumed that’s all it was, pieces of me I was longing for but couldn’t remember. Then it grew, it grew to be dissatisfaction after healing, after helping people, which is all I ever dreamed of doing! It became harder to be grateful for everything I had, and I started longing for more, selfishly. It was so painful to sit there and know that while I am most definitely the luckiest person alive, for knowing you all and loving you all and being loved by you, my heart was seeking more.

“How could I want more?! After everything you’ve given me, this family and this life and all the love I could never repay... you know, all I ever wanted was to be by your side. The idea that I was no longer satisfied with that was like the cruelest torture. I was no longer who I thought I was.

“I still can’t believe I’m saying this. The fact is, I can finally put a name to what it is I want. And I know it’s a betrayal, it feels like a betrayal of you all, and of a part of me, of the person I was before I changed, the one who sacrificed himself. I now understand that I am not him, and that what I want has grown. I want to be on my own, learn to come face to face with who I am, and I want to be with the person I never thought I could even tolerate let alone need so much. I want for once, to be the healed instead of the healer! Selfishly, brazenly... I want to be loved-”

Before he knew what was happening, Wen Reian collapsed. Or was pulled, he didn’t know. Somehow he’d ended up in Yi-jun’s arms and he was sobbing, feeling both that was about to vanish into thin air and that he was fifty feet tall, released from some hidden weight after finally speaking.

And Xie Yi-jun was hugging him, rocking him gently from side to side, easing the shivering of Reian’s body as he clung to the King’s chest like he was all that was holding him up, and genuinely he was.

“Shh… it’s okay, Wen Rei… it’s all okay, I understand-”

Through cries and sobs of both horrible pain and relief, each feeling like it’s own exquisite torture, Reian managed to say…

“You do? Y-you’re not… mad? Disappointed-”

He heard Yi-jun scoff and then suddenly the King was squeezing him tight, hugging him as if no time had passed and they were still as they were so many years ago; mutual trust and love between them that glowed brighter than anything else. As Reian felt the man’s soul against his own, he realized foolishly that his connection with Yi-jun had never truly faded, or even really changed at all-

I’ve been so caught up in worries of him hating me or not knowing what I felt, that I forgot who he is. He’s my King, and he loves me. No matter what…

Tears wetting Yi-jun’s shirt, Wen Rei tried to pull away but the man just held him there.

“Have I ever once made you think that I wasn’t irreversibly and unconditionally in love with you, Reian? You could do no wrong to me, I could never be disappointed. Unless you did something awful to yourself like not following your heart! That I could never forgive you for-”

When Reian pulled away, still steadying himself by clinging to the man, he blinked up into Xie Yi-jun’s familiar eyes and whispered…

“You know, don’t you? I’ve told you, right?! I’ve never been upset with you, never! You’ve been so good to me, I love you so much… all these years- if I ever pushed you away it was because I wanted you to be happy.”

Yi-jun shook his head and sighed again, pulling Reian in once more and squeezing him.

“I’m glad you told me. I really am so happy for you, Wen Rei… where are you-”

A roaring sound, like a snarl filled the air, and Reian felt his head spin with dizziness as he was suddenly torn away from Xie Yi-jun’s warmth.

Somehow, Lan Kai-Le had found them, the hunter not bothering with anything so simple as a punch, instead, pushing the King so hard that Yi-jun had disappeared down into the murky depths of the stairwell before he even knew what was happening.

“Stop!”

Reian’s heart leapt into his throat as he watched, and then was falling all over himself trying to get to the stairs while Lan Kai-Le growled and seethed with rage. Wen Reian’s breath halted in his throat when he caught sight of the hunter’s expression. It was absolutely terrifying, murderously angry and hurt… but Reian had no idea what to say.

All he could think about was the horrible thudding sound he’d heard as Xie Yi-jun fell, and without knowing if he was okay, Reian couldn’t fight the panic to get to him first-

“Yi-jun!” He screamed, just as Lan Kai-Le wrapped his hand around Reian’s wrist and tugged. Ow! That-

The healer sent Kai-Le a look of fire, tearing his arm away and feeling his own surprise and anger rising in his chest suddenly, spilling out in the form of a desperate cry.

“Go AWAY! Get away from me!! How could you do this?!”

Certain he was being so loud he must have woken the whole castle, Wen Reian fell silent as he caught the briefest glimmer of something truly horrible settling over Lan Kai-Le’s face. And then he was gone.

Reian could barely breathe as he practically threw himself down the stairs, collapsing at the bottom beside Xie Yi-jun and immediately going to check his pulse.

He’s… alive, oh thank gods-

Wen Reian couldn’t think, he couldn’t believe this was real life. It felt like he’d suddenly slipped into a nightmare and that the world was crashing down around him. Even as he started to assess Yi-jun’s injuries and the smallest bit of relief came that they weren’t life threatening, Wen Reian still sobbed.

He cried, even as he began to lift the King and carry him upstairs. With shaking hands and weak knees, they only got halfway up before Reian lost his footing and fell again. Reian laid there, feeling as if he’d never climb up again.