Wen Reian

2008 years after The Long Night

Hêi’àn Palace

Sounds of gentle panting filled the room and the space between them, Reian’s fingers clutching tightly to Xie Yi-jun’s shoulders as the King moved inside him. This had been their first night together like this in several months, and Wen Reian had been anticipating it so much that he’d ended up very nearly canceling their evening in a anxious frenzy… thankfully he hadn’t done so-

“Wen Rei,” Yi-jun moaned, pressing delicate kisses down the length of Reian’s throat.

The healer swallowed, closing his eyes, basking in the warmth and gradual ease of all his muscles. Xie Yi-jun was so good at making him feel… good.

After only a few more precious moments, both of them holding each other as close as they could get, gasping in breathless wonder as first Yi-jun came and Wen Rei followed, the two exchanged several deep kisses and then eventually fell asleep.

Reian woke about an hour later, feeling unusually cold and empty. Xie Yi-jun was still holding him, his breathing and heartbeat soothing and warm against the healer’s skin, but Wen Rei shivered nonetheless and ended up leaving the bed.

Winter must be starting early, he thought. Or perhaps I’m getting sick?

Closing the door to the bathroom, he began to fill the tub, hoping the hot water would ease this knot of unease he’d been steadily watching grow larger recently. It was so stupid! He felt ridiculous for even questioning his own happiness, and feeling sorry for himself for no apparent reason only made the young man detest himself further.

Sighing and sinking down into the bath, Reian winced slightly but then relaxed, his eyes closing once more as the bundle of nerves in his stomach finally settled.

The healer took several moments to breathe, cautiously checking his own aura and meridians to be sure that nothing was amiss. He hadn’t been feeling as connected with his own body as of late, but he mostly attributed that to overworking and a lack of sleep. After he found nothing wrong with himself, he tried once more to relax…

It worked for all of ten minutes before he began to hear Yi-jun stirring in the other room. Reian shut the water off and turned over his shoulder as the King peeked inside.

Xie Yi-jun was always breathtaking, but Reian agreed with Songcai that the King was most beautiful in moments like these; half-asleep and satisfied and gazing at him with those pretty dark-brown eyes…

Yi-jun smiled, going to kneel beside the tub and gently rest his hands on Reian’s shoulders. His warmth and attention had always, in the past, made Wen Rei feel shy or happy or just plain in love, but the healer’s mind and heart seemed to no longer be on the same page. When Xie Yi-jun went to touch Reian’s hair, the man met his eyes instead and gave a timid smile.

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The King pouted. “I want to take care of you, Wen Rei…”

There was no reason for him to resist, Reian longed to be taken care of too, yet as he allowed the King to slowly wash his hair, all the while Yi-jun gently touching and stroking areas of his skin that the healer found normally pleasant, Wen Reian couldn’t help the gnawing guilt eating at him.

Guilt?! Why would I feel guilty?

Reian had long since come to terms with, and greatly enjoyed the facts of his relationship with both Yi-jun and Songcai. They were husbands, and Reian was their friend, their soulmate, and their lover… There were no secrets between the three of them, and even if there were, they all adored each other too much to care anyway.

So, why did Reian feel like every intimate touch of Xie Yi-jun was wrong somehow?

I like him touching me, it feels good… I love him! I love Yi-jun, and I always will-

But did Wen Reian love him like that anymore?

The idea of not wanting or loving any aspect of Xie Yi-jun felt like a huge betrayal and not only a betrayal of their relationship, but of who Wen Reian was. Had he really done and sacrificed so much for the King and for Jin Songcai, that over the years Reian’s heart had grown bitter without him knowing? Surely not…

“Wen Rei?”

He turned and met eyes with Xie Yi-jun, who was gazing at him fondly, still running a few strands of Reian’s hair through his fingers as he smiled.

Looking at him, feeling his touch, Reian had no doubt that Xie Yi-jun was his soulmate, someone he would cherish and love for as long as he lived. The conflicting emotions and fears in his mind made no sense, so he decided to just ignore them as much as possible for now and focus on his work and his family instead.

“Hm?”

Yi-jun blushed, a sight that always warmed Reian heart-

“Songcai must be finished putting A’Jun to bed,” the King said in a gentle tone. “Do you want him to join us, or shall we go back to sleep?”

Reian pondered it momentarily. It had truly been even longer since he’d had Jin Songcai in his bed… he missed the man, but also knew that if he was so conflicted over having Yi-jun here, it might be best not to let Songcai know. The man could often read Reian like a book, a thought that currently made him nervous.

“I-I’m tired, let’s sleep…” Reian nodded.

Xie Yi-jun’s eyes took on a hint of concern, his head tilting slightly as he stroked Reian’s damp hair. “Are you…”

But whatever Yi-jun had been about to say, Wen Reian didn’t hear it, nor did he like the tone of his voice; worried and wondering if Reian’s heart was truly here, in the moment.

Of course he can tell something is wrong, he knows me better than anyone-

Reian began admonishing himself again. Why couldn’t he just be grateful anyone loved him at all, after the mess he’d turned himself into?! Why did he have to keep questioning everything?

Reian took Yi-jun’s face in his hands and kissed him until the King was silent, save a few breathy gasps. Reian allowed himself to be carried from the bath and laid on the bed, swaddled like a child in the blankets and carefully nestled against Yi-jun’s chest.

“Sleep, Wen Rei.” The King pressed a kiss on his forehead. “I love you…”

Reian wanted to say it back. He wanted to say the words and feel like they weren’t hiding something broken inside him. He wanted his love to not remind him of the things he’d done, the things he couldn’t change. And yet it did. And yet, he still loved Xie Yi-jun, and that was why he was so confused. How could this love be anything but good? Or, maybe it really is just me that’s bad…

“I love you.” Reian said, unsure if he deserved to feel that way at all.