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The McKenzie Files Books 1, 2 and novella
Novella, Chapter 11: I love ultimatums, they’re my favourite kind of ‘um’

Novella, Chapter 11: I love ultimatums, they’re my favourite kind of ‘um’

“There’s someone out there,” the drow tasked with keeping an eye beyond the concealing wall of crates reported. “Human, female, dressed like us.”

Fanelle edged him away from the tiny gap between crates. “It’s Shaveen,” she said. “Help me move these aside.”

“And if she’s compromised, human?” The drow asked suspiciously.

“And if she isn’t, that’s my friend out there,” Fanelle argued back.

“Your ‘friend’ that was sharing the High Assassin’s bed, who is currently trying to hunt us all down?” The drow asked, in an arch tone.

“Keep talking,” Fanelle told the dark elf. “See how many words you get out before they start to get high pitched.”

The drow looked down. Fanelle was holding a very sharp blade up against a very important part of his anatomy.

“Enough,” Danandra spoke up from behind them both. “Let her in.”

The drow summoned up his courage. “She may be compromised, elfmage, she-eek!” His voice tailed off into a strangled squeak as Fanelle increased blade pressure by a small but noticeable percentage.

“Then we’ll un-compromise her,” Danandra said, “and learn much of use.”

The drow gave her a dark look but moved the crates. Fanelle gestured to Shaveen, who hurried over, looking relieved.

“Fanelle, thank the gods I finally found you,” she said. “Plan A didn’t work, the High Assassin has absolutely bloody lost it. I need to talk to the elf mage called Saliseralla, to Lady Elleniralla, or any of the drow in authority. Is Teria here too? I-”

Shaveen stopped talking as Fanelle stepped aside, and she saw Danandra, Leni, Briztaz and Teria standing in front of the assorted refugees – but the big detail that had shut off the flow of her words was the eight drow pointing drawn bows at her. Danandra waved a hand – a magical wall sparkled into being behind Shaveen, cutting off any possible escape.

“...or all of the above,” she finished. “Well that was easier than I thought. Listen, we’re all in danger. Please tell me you’ve got a way to ground this ship. I’ll take the desert over this insanity any bloody day of the week.”

“We know we’re in danger,” Leni replied flatly. “In no small part because someone decided their plan was better than the only one that has a chance of actually working. Teria and Fanelle said your genius idea was to slap a bracelet on McKenzie, how’d that work out for you? I’m guessing ‘not well’, because you’re not wearing one any more.”

“Well, yeah, he sorta melted that. Fortunately, I think ahead,” Shaveen said, and hitched up her trouser leg to reveal a second bracelet around her ankle. “Now listen-”

“Put this on first,” Danandra said. She removed a (frankly rather gaudy) earring and tossed it to Shaveen.

“Don’t, boss, it’s a truth charm as well as protection,” Teria said, then shrugged apologetically in Danandra’s direction. “Well, I’m not lying.”

“It’s okay, Teri, I need these people to believe me,” Shaveen said, then clipped the earring into place and gave a little flourish of her hands to show she had done so. “While you’ve been holed up down here I’ve been running interference for you, keeping the High Assassin from finding you. But that’s no longer an option because he has some sort of magical device and has used it to ask someone or something to find you. We need to get out of here now even though I’m kinda conflicted because fuck me he’s hot and I wouldn’t mind a few more Appointments with that. Wait, what?” Shaveen blinked in surprise, as Leni laughed.

“It happens, you just have to sort of breeze past it and press on,” Fanelle said.

“I think he’s really hot too!” A young elfmaid piped up from somewhere in the background.

“We know, Telerilla,” Heranalla said. “Everybody knows.”

“It’s the bracelet! It’s making me say things!”

“The bracelets don’t have truth charms on them, Teli,” Heranalla added.

“Oh.”

“Okay, moving on,” Shaveen said. “We have to get out of here because-”

There was a sudden flash as Danandra’s shield wall suddenly dissolved as a hand was pushed through it, and the scrape of crates being shoved aside. Shaveen danced aside to avoid one, and various bows were re-drawn.

“-of me,” McKenzie finished for her. “Rude, by the way.”

McKenzie was unarmed, and had his hands raised. “Wow – bit fucking tense in here, isn’t it, and- DANNA! Fuck! It really is you in my head! That’s spooky as fuck, how the hell did you do that?”

Danandra’s expression went from the same shock that everyone else was showing, to surprise, to confusion, and then – as inevitably as the setting of the sun – to her default setting of ‘annoyed’. “What in the seven rings of Set are you on about, McKenzie?”

“You mean you haven’t been sending me advice via telepathy?” He asked.

Danandra blinked. “Even by your standards that is an obtuse and confusing statement. No, I haven’t. Why would that even occur to you?”

“Because...reasons,” McKenzie said. “That was...I was...just testing. Anyway. When did you get here?”

“I’ve been here all along, McKenzie,” Danandra told him. “The drow are not the only ones who can make use of a glamour charm.”

“Awks - of course," McKenzie guessed. "And you generated a load of random noise with all the magical bling so I wouldn’t click to you being here. Clever,” he admitted.

“I’m good at clever,” Danandra told him. “And it also has other uses – you can fry as many protection charms as you want, McKenzie, I can always make more.”

“Even the Archmage couldn’t manage that,” McKenzie told her. “You’re a magical badass, Danna, fair dos.”

Danandra inclined her head. “Thank you – but I can claim no great feat of research on that one. Once you’ve seen an original, it’s not overly problematic to make a copy.” She moved her hand in a strange gesture as she spoke.

“I know you’re keeping me talking while you magic up something that’ll stop me, or more likely drop me out of the ship,” McKenzie said. “Don’t. I’ll try and copy it to get back in and I’m guessing that’s probably an explosion risk. Most things seem to be,” McKenzie stated.

Danandra stopped moving her hand.

“Wise. Nice to see you though. Nobody’s been really sarcastic to me for days. Apart from her,” he pointed at Briztaz. “Not surprised you made a deal with her, you’re practically sisters in terms of personality.”

Briztaz hissed.

“Hi Frowny-face,” McKenzie waved. “Leni – you might aswell do the thing. Free swing, I promise, I won’t do anything.”

Leni shrugged, walked up to him, and slapped him extremely hard around the face.

“Fuck!” McKenzie swore, staggering sideways down onto one knee – the decking splintered and buckled as he did. He got back up, rubbing his jaw. “Christ on a crutch, Leni, it’s like being hit by a pink frilly wrecking ball. God help the man who cheats on you, I mean God help the man who takes up with you anyway but if he ever plays away of a weekend and you find out, you’ll knock his fucking head clear off with that right hander.”

“Still a fucking asshole with or without mind control, then,” Leni observed.

“Never claimed otherwise,” McKenzie shrugged.

“If it helps, I was hoping you might perhaps prove me wrong and you could slap some sense into him,” Danandra told Leni. Leni seemed surprised to be spoken to by her.

“Nope: your slap-fu won’t work any more. You can’t punch the Obelisk out of me. Nothing will make me set that aside now,” McKenzie confirmed.

Leni frowned darkly.

“Who else do we have?” McKenzie went on. “Two girls in tight leather, always a good addition to the local scene, hi there, nice to meet you. Various drows, hello various drows.”

“It’s just drow, the singul-”

“Nope!” McKenzie pointed at the drow archer who’d spoken up. “Don’t.”

Startled, the drow released his arrow. It slammed into McKenzie’s forehead, causing his head to jerk back, but not much else.

“Always. The Fucking. Head,” McKenzie grumbled. He picked up the arrow and tossed it back to the archer. “Try that again and I’ll stick that up your arse.”

The drow swallowed.

“And last but definitely not least – Shav. Hey there,” McKenzie greeted her.

“Hey babes,” Shaveen greeted him back, warily.

“Not gonna lie, that earring really doesn’t make it with your outfit,” he opined.

“It’s a statement piece,” Shaveen shrugged. “I’m trying out a new look.”

“No hard feelings, I know you’re not thinking straight right now,” McKenzie told her.

“Well, one of us isn’t, sweetheart. How did you know where I went?” Shaveen asked him.

“Now that would be telling,” McKenzie replied with a smile.

Danandra muttered something sulphuric under her breath. “Her bracelet. It’s a point source of magic. As soon as she came here, behind my shields, it would have disappeared from your point of view.”

“Ding ding!” McKenzie said. “I had to really squint mind you. Gave me a headache.”

“Aw, diddums,” Danandra said, with zero concern. “We can’t let you take this ship to Trollheim, McKenzie. You’re not in a position to know this, but you are being influenced.”

“Yeah yeah, so everyone keeps telling me,” McKenzie said.

Danandra then did something that surprised McKenzie – she stepped forward and put a hand on his arm. “McKenzie, you are my-”

She paused and swallowed.

“My friend,” she said, in what was, for Danandra, an unbelievable pouring forth of emotion. “The McKenzie I know might be an idiot, might not be able to string a coherent sentence together half the time, might be infuriating and frequently inappropriate, might be constantly uncouth, be unable to remember people’s names very well, might end up in charge of one of the most powerful Guilds in the world for some reason and still not actually grow up, might-”

“Yeah, okay Danna, I don’t quite know what you’re going for with this whole thing but I’m pretty sure you’ve sidetracked yourself,” McKenzie said, removing her hand from his arm.

Danna gritted her teeth, took a breath, and visibly diverted herself back to her point. “The McKenzie I know would never stand for his free will, or anyone’s, being manipulated. He sacrificed a great deal, once, so that his friends could have theirs back. So – be sure. Let us reverse course for a day or two, and give you a chance to get your head straight. If you still want to return to Trollheim after that, I will not stand in your way – in fact I’ll come with you.”

Her face softened into one of concern. “Please, McKenzie, if our friendship means anything to you then reconsider. Because whatever you decide, I’m with you to the end. I cannot stand by whi-”

“Uh-huh, um, yep. Hold that thought,” McKenzie said, as his phone started ringing and he started digging into his pocket for it.

Danandra’s expression abruptly darkened.

“Gods above you are such a-, a-, gah!” She hissed, going from concerned to furious in what was, even for her, record time. “I am literally opening up my inner being to you here but oh no! Whenever that bloody device chirps you pay zero attention to anything else!”

McKenzie bit his bottom lip, reviewed his reaction, and – for a wonder – let the phone keep ringing. “Was that a bit insensitive?”

“You think?” Danandra snarled at him. “I would have been totally fine with ‘but the Obelisk is making me do it!’ as a response, or even violence, but somehow even brainwashed out of what remains of your mind you still manage to find the one, exact response that will infuriate me the most. How? How! Is there a scroll you have stashed somewhere that literally lists all the ways you can most effectively annoy every single being in existence?”

The phone kept ringing. “Okay, okay, I’m officially sorry, Danna. Whateverthefuck else is going on, we are mates.”

McKenzie put the phone away, muffling the continued ringing.

“The moment for that has passed, McKenzie,” Danna said flatly, and stepped back.

McKenzie exhaled hard. “Sorry, everyone, I probably need to take this call.” He got it out and answered without looking at the screen. “Hi, Elf Pissing Off Services Limited, how can I hinder the elder races for you today?”

It was Christine. “Oh thank God McKenzie, you’re back to normal,” she said, sounding relieved.

“Yeah, all good. I’m not trying to destroy the Obelisk any more, that would have been terrible. Wait did I mention that before now? I vaguely recall something about lunch and maybe unicorns from our last conversation, but not the Obelisk. Also, hi,” he said.

“Oh,” Christine said. “Right – don’t hang up, okay McKenzie?”

“On you? I would never interrupt a conversation with you Christine,” he replied.

“Rub it in why don’t you?” Danandra muttered darkly.

“Your friend Buzz has been in touch. A little more directly this time. Listen – you’re being controlled,” Christine said slowly.

McKenzie snorted. “Why is everyone convinced I’m being controlled today?”

Danandra sighed. Leni told him: “because you are, idiot!” McKenzie gave her the finger with his free hand. Leni gave it right back. Everyone else looked profoundly unsure of themselves – as well they might. To Leni and Danandra, this was McKenzie acting very strangely. To anyone else not accustomed to intergalatic phone calls at random times, this must have been way out there.

“He knew things you’ve only told us, McKenzie. I think you should take this seriously, okay buddy? He said to turn the ship around, because your plan is not working,” Christine said emphatically.

“Yeah, he says a lot of things,” McKenzie replied. “I know the plan isn’t working, Christine, because it was a bad plan. I didn’t know what the Obelisk was when I set out to destroy it. Everything will make sense when I get there. The trolls, the drows, the Obelisk, everything. I just have to get there – then everything will be fine.”

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Christine had begun to sound very worried. “McKenzie – he says...he says this could kill you. You and everyone else on the, on this ship he said you’re on. Just, listen to me, okay? Turn it around. You have to turn it around. You’ll get your mind back as you get further away.”

“I already have my mind,” McKenzie said. “It’s the people who keep trying to slap magic bracelets on everyone that want to take it away. Luckily that doesn’t work on me.”

Christine made a sound of desperation. “McKenzie, please. Don’t do this to me. I need you to snap out of it. I can’t come and help you.”

“Haven’t we been over this?” McKenzie asked. “It was part of the unicorn bit of the conversation, right?”

“If only I was there. I’d help. I would stop this,” she said, sounding close to tears.

“You’re about the only person that ever could stop me,” McKenzie agreed. “Seriously, though, it’s fine. I’ve got this. You don’t have to worry.”

Christine went very quiet. McKenzie heard her draw in a ragged breath.

“I’ll kill her,” she said.

“What? Who?”

“Your hippy wolf-princess,” Christine said intently. “If you don’t turn the ship around and get control of yourself back, I will find her and I will kill her. So if you won’t listen to me, maybe you’ll listen for her. Turn around or Anaharra dies.”

McKenzie smiled. “Nice try Christine,” he said. “I know you though, there isn’t a murderous bone in your body, there’s a picture of you next to ‘personification of selfless heroism’ in the dictionary. If you tracked Anaharra down it’d be for a coffee and a chat and tips on how to accessorise cloaks.”

“Fuck it, Crowbar, why do you have to stop over-reacting to things right now?” Christine demanded with a sob.

“Hey, it’s okay,” McKenzie told her. “I’m fine, we’re fine.”

“No, you’re not,” Christine said. “Just, do it for me. Trust me. Turn the ship around.”

“I’ve already had the same advice – from another good friend,” McKenzie said, looking at Danandra with what he hoped was an expression of genuine contrition. “A friend I really should have paid more attention to because she’s really, really smart, and did I mention scarily powerful? Also really pulls off the goth look better than anyone and is just generally quite awesome and cool and-”

“You can stop there, you do not get off that easily. I will be angry at you for decades, McKenzie,” Danandra told him flatly.

McKenzie shrugged. “Worth a shot,” he said.

“Pardon?” Christine asked, confused.

“Nothing. Look, Christine, this really isn’t a good time, to be honest. There are bows and hostages and drows-”

Briztaz sighed.

“-and all sorts of shit kicking off right now. Can I call you back later?” McKenzie asked.

“Fuck!” Christine shrieked. “Please listen! Dammit, if only I was there!”

“Okay, remember when I said I’d never hang up on you?” McKenzie asked her. “Well, put it this way: I’ll unblock your number once I’ve seen the Obelisk. Goodbye, Christine.”

“No, McKenzie, wait! I’ve got it! Remember that once you asked Susie to look into something for you? Push it down! Push it down then put one on!”

“What? I don’t even know what you’re on about now. Bye, Christine.”

McKenzie ended the call, and tapped ‘block number’. He sighed. “Well, that was weird.”

“You’re telling us,” Shaveen observed. Like everyone else, she was somewhat lost as to what, exactly, she was seeing.

McKenzie looked at the ceiling with a puzzled expression. “Where were we again? Oh yeah, I was about to give you all an ultimatum. I love ultimatums, they’re my favourite kind of ‘um’. And don’t nobody tell me it’s ‘ultimata’, because I am not at home to that right now.”

“High Assassin, please listen. They’ve got my daughter. They’ve got his son,” Briztaz said, pointing to another drow. “In a citadel on the outskirts of Trollheim. His wife, her husband, his brother.” She pointed at more. “Please – help us rescue them, then we’ll help you get to the Obelisk. Anything you want. Just...help me free my daughter.”

Briztaz made some sort of gesture, and suddenly the various bows being held by drows were pointed at Leni, Danandra, Shaveen and the two girls McKenzie did not recognise, rather than him.

“Wow,” McKenzie said. “So we’re already at the everyone-is-betraying-everyone-else stage, then.”

“Were we ever not?” Danandra asked wearily.

“I speak the truth, High Assassin,” Briztaz said. “Free our families, and anything in my power to grant you, you shall have.”

“Well, yeah, of course,” McKenzie said.

Briztaz blinked. “Sorry, what? I will be honest – currently I have no choice anyway – I was expecting that to be harder.”

“Okay, you don’t know me very well yet – didn’t even know my name before you tried to drop me out the ship, which was mean, by the way – but despite some people’s low opinion of me – “ he glared at Danandra – “I am absolutely the right bloke to ask. Yes. Of course. You got a plan?”

Briztaz blinked again, then looked at Danandra.

“Ah,” McKenzie said. “She had a plan, but now you’re pointing a bow at her. Careful, she holds grudges.”

“Gods-damned right I do,” Danandra said quietly. Briztaz went pale, which was a neat trick for a dark elf.

“But anyway, I’m sure we can work something out,” McKenzie said. “After all, I don’t want your daughter to miss out on seeing the Obelisk. It’s for everyone,” he said, beaming.

Briztaz went even paler. McKenzie’s phone started ringing again.

“Dammit can that woman not take no for an answer?” He asked rhetorically, getting his phone out again. “Don’t rob the vault, don’t explode the sattellite, don’t sink the sub with us in it. It’s always something with her.”

Buzz, the screen read. McKenzie swiped to answer. “Hi, you’ve reached already-found-them-no-thanks-to-you-dot-com, how can-”

“McKenzie?”

McKenzie stopped dead, then stopped dead some more.

“McKenzie? Can you hear me?”

“Narra,” McKenzie breathed.

It was, without question, her. She sounded exactly the same.

“Yes. It’s me,” she said simply.

“Narra,” he said again.

“Is...is this working? Did you do it right?” She said, clearly to someone else.

“Yeah, they did,” McKenzie said to her. “Narra. My God. Narra. How are you? What happened? Are you okay? I, I mean, I tried to get in contact with you, I’ve got people looking for you, I-” He started to gabble. “Fuuuck,” he finally said, unable to express his emotions in any other way.

“They found me,” she confirmed. “They gave me the phone. But I wasn’t ready. I’m still not, McKenzie – but Ph-, Buzz says you need help and maybe you will listen to me.”

“Of course,” he answered, unhesitatingly.

“We will speak again, McKenzie. When I am ready. I promise. Know until then that I am okay. I am even happy. You don’t have to worry about me and you don’t owe me anything. But I won’t be happy and okay, unless I know you are too. So: listen,” she said, and both Narras were in there: the vulnerable appeal of the lost princess as well as the fire and steel of the wolf princess.

“I’m listening,” he said.

“Do what Psyonara said,” Narra said.

“Oh my God are you doing the made up names too?”

“Focus, McKenzie,” Narra said.

“Yep. Focusing,” McKenzie answered swiftly. “Also, could you possibly give me a teensy-weensy reminder of what Chri-, Psyonara said? Not 100% sure what to focus on, otherwise.”

She actually laughed. It sounded amazing.

“Tell your friends what you are going to do, and then push down on the fire inside, as the Slipstress once told you,” Narra said. “Then let them put an amulet on you.”

McKenzie remembered Susie’s email. “Buzz reads my mail, does he?”

“He’s a good kid,” Narra said. “You can trust him.”

“He’s a good what now?” McKenzie asked.

“Oh shit! Sorry Phillip,” Narra said.

“Aw, Narra!” McKenzie heard a voice in the background – young sounding. “My name too? Really?”

“Double-shit!” Narra said.

McKenzie laughed. “So my mysterious source is a ki-”

“Don’t say it out loud,” a boy’s voice came on the line – american, sounded teenage.

“Yeah, okay Buzz. Wouldn’t want to ruin the mystique that you totally haven’t messed up already. Does your mom know you commune across the vastness of space and time?”

“No, and don’t you dare tweet about it!” Buzz said.

“Well, seems like you moderate all my content anyway,” McKenzie told him.

“Both of you shush!” Narra said.

“Yes ma’am,” McKenzie replied, at the exact same time Buzz did, and she laughed again.

“This really wasn’t how I thought this conversation would go, McKenzie,” Narra said. “I was aiming for portentous and compelling and now I’m just laughing.”

“It’s wonderful to hear,” McKenzie told her. “I have really, really missed it.”

“No,” Narra interrupted, and she wasn’t laughing now. “I’m not starting that conversation right now.”

McKenzie sighed. “Alright.”

“Tell your friends, then push down the fire. This line will go dead if you do. Promise me you will do that,” Narra said.

“Narra, the amulets they have, they’re mind control devices. They make people think that something that is really, really pure and good is evil,” McKenzie told her. Danandra rolled her eyes.

“Do you trust me, McKenzie?” Narra asked him.

“Of course,” he replied, unhesitatingly.

“One kiss, as far as I’m aware. One. And a bit of ‘oh help me McKenzie!’ while looking helpless in a bikini,” Danandra muttered. “But she gets a free pass while his friends who have actually been here for him get the brush-off.”

“Your mind is not in danger from your friends’ amulets,” Narra went on. “I promise you. Now promise me you’ll give it a chance. Swear to me, on something you hold dear,” she insisted. “You must know how things work there, when you make a vow. Make me one.”

“I swear on Leni’s life that I will do as you say,” McKenzie said.

“Oh, thanks,” Leni said sarcastically. “Asshole.”

“Do better,” Narra prompted him.

“I swear on my own life that I will do as you say,” McKenzie tried.

“Better than that,” Narra said.

McKenzie paused. “I swear on your life that I will do as you say,” he said, hollowly, and felt the strange, etheric click that accompanied a vow.

“Now we’re talking,” Narra said. “You better come through, McKenzie – I happen to like my life.”

“It’s safe with me,” McKenzie said.

“I know,” Narra told him.

McKenzie didn’t know what to say in response to that.

Danandra did. “I may vomit,” she commented flatly.

McKenzie paid her no attention.

“I’m waiting,” Narra hinted.

“We’ll speak again?” McKenzie asked.

“I promise,” Narra told him. “Vows don’t work the same here, as you well know, but I promise.”

“More than good enough for me,” McKenzie said. “Until we speak again, then. I-”

“Don’t,” Narra said. “I’m sorry, McKenzie, but I’m really not ready for that. Fulfil your vow now, and we’ll talk more later.”

McKenzie winced.

“Okay,” he said. “I’m doing it.”

He screwed up his resolve and looked at Danandra. How to tell her he was going to put the kibosh on the quintessence without mentioning the actual Q-word? It struck him as something he shouldn’t advertise to total strangers.

“I’m going to do something. It...shuts off the...thing about me that you keep telling me not to use, ever. The thing that makes you all-” he waved his hand vaguely in front of his chest and imitated a breathy sigh. “Y’know, like that.”

“Yes, I’m quite aware of that and dealing with that issue much better these days, thank you very much,” Danandra interrupted crossly, also not wanting certain subjects aired in current company. Then she looked at him intently. “You can actually do that?”

McKenzie nodded. “Not that I want to, but a deal’s a deal,” he said. “Once I’ve done it, I’ll nod. Put one of your whatever-they-ares on me. Seems like some people have a theory that it won’t go splat, and I just agreed to test it out. But then I’m taking it right off again, Danna. You of all people should understand.”

“Very well,” Danandra said, untangling a necklace with a very pink stone from around her neck.

“Pink?” McKenzie asked. “Haven’t you got something a bit less...feminine?”

“Really?” Danandra asked, eyes going flinty hard.

Leni snorted. “I thought you were going to take it right off again anyway,” she commented snippily.

“Fine, whatever,” McKenzie said. “Wait, that’s not Talius in that thing, is it?”

“No,” Danandra said.

“How is he, though, he okay? You guys doing well?”

“Times and places, idiot,” Danandra snapped.

“Fair,” McKenzie shrugged.

“How will we communicate?” Danandra asked.

“Um...by talking?” McKenzie asked, confused, then became angry about being confused and cued up some sarcasm. “Y’know, the thing where you use your mouth to say words, and at the same time use your ears to listen for other people’s words. It’s pretty popular.”

“Yeah, problem with that is you’ve got the speaking part down pat, it’s the listening part you fuck up constantly,” Leni sarcasmed right back.

“Well, maybe if you didn’t yammer on about your feelings most of the time it wouldn’t be an issue,” McKenzie shot back.

Shaveen snorted. “Look who’s talking,” she said, then almost literally clapped her hand over her mouth, wide eyed.

“Sorry, what?” McKenzie asked.

Shaveen shook her head. “Nothing!” She said. “Really don’t want to get in the way of the thing that might mean we won’t all get eaten by trolls, you should 100% get on with that.”

“No, go on,” McKenzie pressed.

Shaveen looked uncomfortable. “Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy our hammock time together and I hope we have some more after all this shit is done with, but you spent, like, a lot of time talking about how her talking about her feelings made you feel,” Shaveen said, pointing to Leni and then back to him. “I’m a thief, babes, not your bloody therapist. To begin with it was all I could do not to tell you to shut up. Again, did not mean to say that out loud.”

Despite the tension, Danandra laughed a slightly evil laugh. “Oh, believe me, mistress thief, I sympathise. Shutting up is not his strong suit.”

McKenzie sighed. “Here’s a novel concept – why don’t we not do this now?”

“Fine by me,” Briztaz agreed readily.

“Terrific,” McKenzie said dryly. “Danna, what’s the communication problem? Plain answer, please, I am already several extra wits past my wit’s end.”

“Not a commodity you can afford much of,” Danandra was unable to stop herself from commenting. “Just think about it for ten seconds.”

McKenzie did. Nothing came to mind, then-

“Oh!” He said. Of course. No quintessence, no linguistic geniusness. “I dunno, gestures? Just push me towards whoever or whatever is pissing you off. No, wait, it’s you, I’d never be able to keep up.”

Danandra glowered at him darkly.

McKenzie smirked. “If it needs punching, point at it.”

Danandra sighed. “That will have to do, I suppose,” she said.

“Can someone explain this?” Briztaz asked.

“Probably, but they’re both in Melindron,” McKenzie shrugged. “This isn’t going to work anyway so let’s just get it out of the way so I can do my ultimatum. It’s a doozy, I’m seriously looking forward to it.”

He did what he had not done since just after coming to this planet – he reached into himself and pushed the quintessence down. It took effort – it didn’t want to recede – but he did it anyway. He felt cold, then hot, then cold again.

The background conversations – elves shushing their offspring, drow muttering, Shaveen telling her two companions to get ready to run if this went south – went from clear english to indecipherable something.

He looked at his phone. No signal, read the screen – and within moments the battery died. Probably no bad thing right now, he thought, as it dawned on him that Narra had maybe just overheard the phrase ‘our hammock time together’ coming from Shaveen, and we wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that. He put it away – it would wake up again when he could magically recharge it, he hoped.

“McKenzie?” Leni asked. “Yazat ghazarat, hak tin sek-sek karaz?”

“Um...dunno,” he said, then nodded at Danandra. “It’s done.”

“Sar intas tolara frala sesserio toba, McKenzie?” Danandra asked him.

“Yeah fuck you too or whatever,” he said, and mimed putting a necklace on.

Danandra threw it to him with a dark, unconvinced expression.

“A promise is a promise,” McKenzie shrugged, then put the necklace on.

He didn’t feel any different – the Obelisk still called him. “This is some bullshit right here,” he muttered.

So nothing had changed – but this would be out of the way, at least. He would have kept his vow to Narra – it didn’t matter that it was pointless. Once this was done with, he could talk some sense into everyone, get Briztaz’s humanitarian expedition sorted, and get back to communing with the Obelisk like he had wanted to all alo-

“Mother-fucker!” McKenzie announced, with a great deal of anger. “Trolls, man. I swear to fuck!”