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That afternoon, we prepared to leave the forest in earnest. We were well provisioned now, but that meant more to carry, especially since Tetora could not bear any extra weight.

“I’ll be fine! At least let me carry my rucksack!” Tetora demanded.

“No,” Aleph replied bluntly.

“It is a command, not a suggestion!”

Aleph raised an eyebrow. “Show me you can lift your arms above your head and hold them there for 30 seconds.”

Tetora hesitated, then turned and snorted angrily.

“Just as I thought,” Aleph murmured. “We’ll take breaks every fifteen minutes.”

Our pace was slow, but it was necessary. Although Tetora refused to complain about his injuries, he was clearly feeling their effects. His legs would twitch now and then, and sweat began to form on his brow.

Nora let him know she was concerned in her own unique way. “Are you sure you’re a tiger?”

“What nonsense are you spouting now, magic rabbit?”

“Cats don’t sweat like that. But look at you! Your fur looks like you just went swimming!”

“What do you mean? Sweating is normal, woman! I’m just fine.” He patted her head roughly, purposely fuzzing her curly brown hair before he laughed. He wasn’t fine, but there wasn’t much more we could do about it right now.

Vernie led the way confidently, with Nora close to her side. Although I wasn’t privy to their entire conversation, I caught Vernie demonstrating how to hold and throw a knife properly. Nora was so absorbed in her words I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous.

“Do not worry. She won’t steal your friend away from you,” Aleph teased me with a smile.

“I know…” I sighed. “I just… I don’t know how to take her sometimes.” Bonding with me one minute, pointing out my most significant flaws the next… and before I knew it, she was outfitting me in a full armor set! What would she insist on next?

“When you figure it out, please tell me the secret too.”

“Aleph!” I said a little too loudly.

“I worry for her,” Aleph admitted. “She has had a rough life. But she does not desire such pitying feelings from me. So I struggle instead to meet her where she needs me to be.” He took a deep breath. “It is a location that moves often.”

“I see…”

We reached the rocky foothills of the Turri Mountains just as sunset arrived. Tetora was excused from all the camp chores as we prepared for the night. While setting up my bedroll, I spotted Vernie with a flask inches from her lips.

“It’s just a nightcap!” she protested, even though I hadn’t said anything.

“Okay.”

“It’s not like I need it!”

“I believe you,” I said as carefully as I could.

She exhaled angrily, took a sip, and capped the flask. “See? I’ll be just fine without it!”

Where does she need me to be right now? I pondered over my next words then said, “I’m proud of you.”

“What?”

“Things have been tough, right?”

Vernie shrugged, her smirk showing a hint of defiance. “I’m still here, aren’t I? That means I’m even tougher. Oh, and before I forget…” she put up a finger as if an afterthought just struck her. “She passes. Temporarily.”

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“Huh?” Who passes what?

“Your friend Nora.”

“Wait. What about Nora?”

“She can stay in the party, for now. But if–”

I shot up. “How was that ever even in question?!” I felt my heart leap with instant irritation.

Vernie let out a patronizing chuckle. “Well, I’m not going to trust your judgment right now. I’ll be the one who decides who stays and who goes!”

Okay, wow, no!

“You’re not in charge!” I shouted.

“Then who is Rae-Rae?” She turned her head innocently. “Who’s the leader?”

I paused, trying to center myself. Her little nickname for me suddenly felt like a huge insult. “We don’t need–”

“We do!” she interrupted, her voice firm. “If you’re not going to take the lead, I will. This is your last chance.”

Forget being nice or meeting her in the middle!

Tetora was out; he was too sick. Aleph was wise‌, but there were certain other-worldly complications Nora and I couldn’t tell him about, which would limit his decision-making capacity. Nora was just getting over her guilt, so she didn’t need the burden of leadership. Above all else, there was no way I would let Vernie take the lead!

“Fine! I’m in charge!” I declared. “That means you have to follow my orders, right?”

“Aye, Aye, Holy Captain!” Vernie laughed in delight as she gave a mock salute. “So, what are they?”

“Don’t ever do that again!”

The humor faded from her face as she took me in. Good, at least she was listening.

I took a breath and then expelled some harsh words.“I never want to find out that you or anyone else felt the need to judge or test another party member behind my back! We work together! That means no hazing, stupid rites of passage, survivor-style pranks, infighting—nothing like that! This is already hard enough! You said I’m too trusting? You don’t trust my judgment about others? Well, congratulations! Now you can spend your time working on earning my trust!” I mean, she was the one who said don’t trust her before, right? So, for once, I would listen to someone else’s advice.

Vernie inhaled sharply. “Anything else, Captain?”

Well, at least it was only the holy part that got dropped.

“No. Dismissed!”

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“For homework, I want you to draw yourself,” the occupational therapist instructed. “Let’s test your pencil grip. I don’t think you need to practice outlining with the bigger highlighters anymore.”

“Home… work?”

“Oh, poor word choice. I know you’d rather do it at home,” she said with an apologetic smile. “But this is an exercise that will help you to get to that destination.” She placed a piece of white paper in front of me, which contained the outline of a woman, before putting a sheet of tracing paper on top. “You can use this as a base, but ‌make the drawing yours. Take your time, and don’t worry about any mistakes.”

Right. The artist on the TV called them happy accidents, which I found endearing.

It was hard, but I was glad she left the room to let me work on it by myself. I knew my inability to manipulate the pencil wasn’t the reason I was still here in the hospital, but it was nice to feel I was accomplishing something while I waited for my bloodwork to stabilize. I focused on creating a new me on the page, so absorbed that I did not hear the behavioral health nurse step back in.

“Tell me about your drawing,” she said, catching me off guard.

“It’s me,” I said rather bluntly, never knowing what she was digging for.

“I like the shoulder pads.” She smiled. “Very detailed.”

“They’re called pauldrons.”

“Tell me about the other pieces of armor.” So I did, pointing out how they fit together and worked as one for self-protection.

Oh, no one here wears things like this anymore, do they?

“It looks so heavy to wear,” she noted.

“It’s not really. Not if it’s made well and adjusted correctly to your shape. It can be a little warm, though, especially in the sun.”

“It would be nice if we could walk around in armor all the time, wouldn’t it? Then we would be protected from things that could physically hurt us.”

Oh, it's one of those discussions.

“It can’t protect you from everything.” I sighed, trying to rush her through whatever she needed to say so she could document accordingly. “And sometimes you need to take it off.”

“When do you take your armor off?”

“When I feel safe.”

“What do you need to feel safe, Rachel?”

I almost said, ‘My armor,’ but that would probably get me kicked out of group therapy again, and I enjoyed listening to the others. I wasn’t ready to talk to them about myself yet, but knowing others were trying to figure out how to be normal in this world gave me a great sense of relief.

“Control,” I said hesitantly. “When I’m the Captain, I can protect them all.”

“Who?”

“Those that I care about. But I can’t be the Captain they need anymore, so I had to let them all go.”

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I sat up in bed. Looking over at Nora, I contemplated waking her, but she had starfished and needed her sleep. Tetora was curled up in a ball next to Vernie, who was snoring fitfully. Aleph was on watch, leaning back against the flat of a large boulder, looking up at the night sky.

Since I didn’t think I’d be falling back to sleep, I got up and walked over to him. “I had a strange dream about something that happened to me a long time ago,” I admitted to him quietly as I took a seat, absently scratching the scars on my right wrist.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Just acknowledging it would be enough for now. I could fly apart about it later when things were back to normal again.

“Do you want to talk about something else?”

“Yes, please.”

He gave me a soft smile. “Then shall we discuss cheesecake as the perfect dessert again? I look forward to trying it with you one day.”

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