The Enforcer demon swung me off his shoulder and dumped me in a chair, an archaic iron torture chair like something from the Spanish Inquisition. Maybe it literally was.
“Did you come up with that portal arrangement?” I asked, speaking for the first time.
“I implemented it, yes.”
“That was brilliant,” I said. “I don’t think I lost because I’m weak. I think I lost because that portal thing was amazing, and I was too new to see it until it was too late.”
“You think I’ll hurt you less if you flatter me?” Aleister said, laying out a bewildering array of hooks, knives, tongs, and surgical instruments on a small table in front of him.
“No,” I said honestly. “I just want to give credit where credit is due here and acknowledge the real problem with trying to do good in a bad world. You’re always outnumbered, and you’re always trying to walk against the wind.”
“The portal arrangement was genius, but I can’t take credit for it,” Aleister said. “I don’t win battles because I’m smart. I win battles because I’m old, and I spent centuries learning from a true master, the greatest archdevil who ever claimed the title; one of the few who could learn magic, and still had enough of his mind left to innovate.
“That devil should have been Lord of Hell. I backed his play and watched him go up in a pillar of holy fire, burned by a fallen angel who didn’t even want the job.
“I thought Lucifer might just step aside when my lord challenged him, but the challenge hurt his pride, and there is nothing more terrifying than an angel defending his pride.
“The rest of us scattered when our lord went up in flames. I made it all the way to the first layer, carrying the most valuable thing in his treasury, until Satan realized what was about to escape, and used chains to lock it down. Taltorak slipped out of my grasp and was bound to a pedestal on the first layer of Hell, and there it sits, to this very day.
“I pledged myself to the first Master who would take me and helped him build a palace around it, hoping to find some way to steal it again, until your ancestor opened a random portal next door to us, and served up your whole bloodline on a silver platter.
“That book was useless to me, but it was made to serve men, and my previous lord had turned it into a prison, made to contain some of the most brilliant minds who ever learned magic. Brilliant, but weak, as so many smart men are, when tempted by the one thing magic can’t give them.
“You don’t appreciate your Lydia enough. Most succubi are entitled idiots, strutting around in bodies some prince made for them, thinking all men want is access to lumps of flesh. But your Lydia was cherished and loved from the first moment she stepped on Earth, with her character molded by a family of great men.
“Lydia could have spared you all this pain, if you had just been smart enough to listen to her. Lydia tried to teach you the same lesson I’m about to teach you, but she tried to teach you gently, far too subtle to get through that thick skull of yours.”
Aleister reached out and started swiping me with random objects from his tray, slicing long gashes across my chest, just to prove that his blades were sharp enough to cut my soul.
Aleister leaned in to adjust one of my manacles and I tried to grab him, proving that a soul cannot hurt demons in Hell.
My soul felt like a real body when a demon wanted to hurt me, but my hand just passed through them like a ghost whenever I tried to hit back.
And then he left. Aleister left me alone in that chair for an hour, long enough for me to get stiff and sore from the bumpy old iron. It was amazing how much my soul felt like a physical body down here, even down to things like swallowing and breathing and blinking my eyes.
Titus came in still wearing the same heavy clothes he wore on Earth. Seemed really stupid to dress like that down here, but this is exactly how Titus saw himself: a guy so cool he could wear a sweater in Hell.
Titus pulled up a stool in front of me and leaned over like a teacher, about to explain what I did to get in trouble.
“You really are gonna make us torture you,” he said. “I can see it in your eyes. You think you deserve to suffer because of how you failed your friends, but part of you wants us to do our worst, just to see if you can take it.
“I can’t believe you made us send an army for you. Major attacks are expensive, and more often than not, they backfire, as they provoke cities to reinforce defenses and crack down on our operations.
“Some of them even cut deals with churches, and we end up losing whole cities to Asgardians or the Church of Olympus. We lost the entire state of Utah in 2032, when we launched an attack on SLC and brought an entire branch of Christianity back to life.
“I know you think we’re your worst enemies right now, but we’re going to an extraordinary amount of trouble here, because we want to work with you. Aleister and I both want to work with you, because for both of us, working with a Kovach was the most fun we ever had in Hell.
“I think Baalphezar took the wrong approach with you, so I’m gonna take one more shot and give the pitch your old Master should have given, before I give up and let Aleister do his thing.
“You think your current world sucks because you didn’t see the alternative. I don’t know what kind of weird utopian fantasy you’ve got in your head, but humans do not want freedom. Every time we put freedom on the ballot, people voted against it. Every time.
“The only freedom people care about is the freedom to fuck whoever they want and the freedom to eat three thousand calories a day. Give people those two freedoms and the average human will be so happy, they won’t even vote.
“Or maybe you’re a post-scarcity communist, but we tried that, too. We tried to turn all our labor over to robots and all our thinking over to AI. You know what people do when you give them free money? Nothing. They do absolutely nothing.
“We were in such a hurry to replace everybody with machines, we started churning out cheap, fucked-up robots that walked around like men. They froze up or went nuts half the time, but they worked well enough for the average person to stay home.
“Sometimes the AI crashed ships into bridges, or diverted traffic off a cliff, but we got the software down to an acceptable level of casualties and called it good enough, as most people decided they would rather risk death than go to work.
“We built miles and miles of shoebox apartments and gave everybody just enough money to live on. We made AI companions so smart nobody needed human friends anymore and we made VR so good, nobody left the house.
“Human life became a giant digital slave market where everybody was trying to sell themselves to everybody else, but nobody had anything to sell. People finally had time to write terrible novels and make terrible movies, and master ever more complex games that AI made up for them.
“And the whole human race fell below replacement rate. People forgot how to have real sex and all the women married their virtual dogs. Suicide was the leading cause of death for twenty years. We lost millions of people because we took away any kind of meaningful work until the only thing left was a giant virtual contest to see how many people you could show your asshole to.
“The smart people tried to escape by taking humanity to space, but robots did that better, too, and living in a space habitat is just a giant roleplaying game you play with people trapped in a box, testing out utopian forms of government until the food shipments stop.
“You think our system sucks, but at least people have a reason to get up in the morning. Thirty years ago, we had a million people hooked on drugs wandering around cities, sleeping on the streets, just waiting to overdose, and it was considered cruel to round them up and force them to get help.
“Half the people of working age couldn’t find jobs and the other half didn’t even want them. Men get jobs to buy houses for women, and when you take that motivation away, they just jack themselves into virtual porn adventure games for eighteen hours a day until they die.
This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
“The angels would have solved this with mandatory church attendance, conscription, and mobs going door to door to smash robots.
“You want to hear the biggest secret of the 20th Century? Angels love armbands. World War II was a battle between two different factions of angels. Everybody thinks demons created the Nazis, but all we did was jump in on the losing side.
“Somebody convinced Dispater that Germans really were a master race, and he bet everything on your great grandpa.
“Angels like simple, brute-force solutions, and they do not understand technology. If we let the angels solve this problem, they would outlaw electricity, and you’d be plowing a field with a steam engine right now.
“You think the current corporate status games are cruel, but linking quality of life to quality of work is the only way to keep men alive. You have to give men a ladder to climb, and women have to give them a reason to climb it, or the whole thing just falls apart.
“Sure, we’ve got an entire human underclass doing jobs that robots used to do, but back in the old world, these people wouldn’t even have a roof over their heads. They’d just be wandering around on the streets, trading their food rations for drugs.
“The ones who had jobs would have to worry about rent and bills and how much of their paychecks they would have left for the bar. Now, they have no worries at all. The rent’s paid, the lights work, training is free, and the cafeteria opens every morning at 6 a.m. All they have to worry about is making it through eight hours a day of simple, repetitive work, while they try to figure out who they’ll get to fuck this weekend.
“You can’t make a world that makes people happy, all you can do is keep them alive. You may hate the corporate world, but birth rates are up, and we’ve gotten very good at keeping people alive.
“You know how many people died in World War II? Seventy-five million. A nuclear war would kill billions. And the greatest accomplishment of this modern world you hate? We’ve made nuclear war impossible, because none of these companies can use nukes without destroying somebody they need to trade with.
“You may hate the idea of ten companies controlling the whole world, but ten is a big improvement over two. And we still managed to kill half a million a year back when the superpower list was down to one.
“You think I’m an asshole for sitting on corporate boards, spending Justin’s money all these years, but you know what I spent that money on? I spent the money on schools. I spent the money funding corporate training programs that teach young men how to make parts for agricultural robots, because plowing fields is about the only thing left that we don’t mind using robots for.
“Yeah, we’re still demons. We still tempt men into evil, and we still assassinate any dumb motherfucker who tries to bring the old world back. But I promise you, however much you hate demons, the angels would be worse. They would kill billions for the glory of God, just because two sets of angels can’t agree on which books He wrote.
“And here’s the last, best argument I’ve got for why Tim Kovak should join Team Mammon and help us run the world. Because a world without demons is a world without heroes. We tempt and torture men to bring out the best in them, and to keep the weak ones under control.
“When we tempt a weak man with a succubus, we’re not just recruiting somebody who will obey us and join our system, we’re taking a loose cannon and lashing him to the deck, so he doesn’t just charge in and destroy things in a mad dash to enrich himself.
“We don’t try to cure his selfishness or make him ashamed of it the way an angel would. We provide an outlet for his greed, and reward him for working within an existing framework, instead of running around like an idiot, fucking things up for everybody.
“I’m gonna leave you alone for a while and let you think about what kind of world you want to live in, and after that, if you still want to tell me to go fuck myself, I’ll call in Aleister and we’ll do this the hard way.”
* * *
We did it the hard way.
What, you guys wanted me to debate him? I lost interest in politics when I was twelve years old, the moment I saw my father give up every political conviction he ever had for a bag of chips
Dad always said he loved freedom, but when he found out the corporations were going to round up junkies and put them in camps for rehab, he damn near danced with joy.
So, I was not in any way equipped to argue with my captors about the merits of outlawing robots and forcing everybody to work for a corporation.
All I knew was that demons had enslaved my family and used them to prop up two of the most evil governments in history; and both of those ancestors had been convinced they were doing the right thing.
I couldn’t answer the demon’s question. I couldn’t tell him what kind of government I wanted. Part of me thought maybe he was right. Maybe other people didn’t want freedom, but I sure did, and any plan that included demons making me hurt people was worth dying to stop.
And when I asked Azael if angels started World War II, he said, “This is your confession, Timothy Kovak, not mine.”
* * *
I’m not going to describe myself being tortured, and Azael didn’t make me watch it, until we got to Aleister’s monologue.
It was a weird kind of torture session because Aleister didn’t need to ask me any questions. He wasn’t asking me to betray anyone or give up anyone in hiding. This was just pain. Pain and humiliation, to prove that he could break me, and wipe all my fancy hero delusions away with two swipes of a knife.
But there’s a problem with torturing someone in Hell. What really makes torture effective on Earth is the thought of permanent damage, learning to live without fingers or toes or eyelids when they’re done.
But there’s none of that when they’re just torturing a soul. You know your body is still safe and whole back on Earth, so all you have to do is endure it, and hope the agony will eventually stop.
I guess you could say he broke me, if you count screaming and crying and begging as proof that a hero has broken. I promised him whatever he wanted and begged for the opportunity to work for his Master. I told him I would fight angels and make babies and kill whoever he told me to kil for the rest of my lifel, if he would just make the pain stop.
But I was lying, and he knew I was lying, and everybody knew I was just gonna throw myself in front of a truck, first chance I got when I got back home.
Until finally, Aleister spoke. “Now,” the demon said, smiling with his horrid yellow face. “Everything I’ve just done to you, I am prepared to do the same to Judith, and Lydia, and the new Hardy witch.”
“I know you think we can’t find the first two, and I know you think the faeries will go to war for fair Denise, but we don’t need to send demons through that portal to Elysium to get Judith. All we have to do is hand her employer enough gold to make him send her back.
“Lydia knows how to hide from us, and your witch is hiding under her mother’s skirt right now, but Lydia can’t hide forever, and Cecilia Hardy will eventually die, perhaps much sooner than you think.
“Your other friends are protected on holy ground right now, but they can’t stay there forever, and the angels will not intervene for your soldier or your friends. Again, all we have to do is wait. You really think you can resist us, when you see the people you love suffering in that chair?”
I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know.
“Or perhaps you think you can cheat us by taking your own life? That’s always your first play, isn’t it? That delightful streak of martyr in you, that part of you that secretly believes your time in this chair has been the best time of your life.
“You are currently consumed with grief for the deaths of your friends, but I would like to offer one bit of comfort in that regard. Whatever faith your companions did or did not have, none of them arrived in Hell. We killed their bodies and took them from the Earth, but they are the only friends you have who are truly beyond my reach.
“But you wanted to die long before this. If Lydia hadn’t come to save you, you would have certainly ended yourself before you turned thirty. Cooperating with us would be the best thing that ever happened to you personally, because you’d still have Lydia, and you’d have an entire support team dedicated to keeping you alive.
“But I am curious about one thing. Putting aside your recent failures, thinking back to the person you were the day Lydia met you, why did you want to die?”
I was covered in blood by this point, slowly watching my fingers regenerate, unable to blink my eyes or even turn away, because my eyelids were in my lap, and there were a dozen metal spikes sticking through me in various places, including one that was holding my head still.
My vocal chords really should not have been able to work, but I managed to croak, “None of your fucking business.”
“Oh, you’re going to make me guess? It’s a slow process, convincing a child he’s worthless, but you were worn down by a uniquely gifted sociopath over the course of many years, and immediately jumped into a relationship with a woman who would continue the pattern.”
“I can’t wait to get her in this chair,” Aleister squealed, giddy like a schoolgirl at the thought of torturing Judy. “If I can break you fast enough, I might even give you a turn!”
“I don’t think you’re ready to hear this,” Aleister went on, “but I’ve been a demon for a very long time, and I have tortured a lot of evil men. I have met thousands of people who genuinely deserved to die, and not one of them had ever tried to take their own life.
“Isn’t that remarkable? A few of them faked suicide attempts to manipulate their partners, and a few of them killed themselves accidentally, but none of them ever picked up a gun or threw themselves in front of a bus the way you’re intending to.
“True evil loves itself in a way you never have. I saw this same self-loathing in your ancestor Jacob, but I also saw him overcome it, slowly learning to love himself, as Lydia put his soul back together, after everything his mother did to him.
“It was beautiful, to see him grow into his power, to enjoy that power when he destroyed his enemies, and to finally appreciate himself, when he was able to help his people.
“I’ve been doing this for centuries, so please accept this as my professional opinion when I say you do not deserve to die. Yes, you’ve been arrogant and careless in the way you’ve taunted us, but you are young, and you are brave, and something deep in your soul still believes good can triumph over evil, no matter how many times life shows you the contrary.
“You are a good man clinging to a set of out-dated beliefs, entranced by a storybook vision of good and evil that has left you woefully unprepared for the real world. And as the designated representative of that real world, let me assure you, nothing is ever black and white.
“Demons can do good, and angels can do evil, and every man is a mix of both. I am confident that when you tally up the score after a lifetime of working for us, you will still end up saving thousands more than you kill.”
Aleister finished cleaning his tools and put them carefully back in his robe.
“I’ll give you some time to think about that, and time for some things to grow back, before we proceed to phase two.”