“What kind of music do gods like?”

Minerva shook her head and said, “I can’t tell you that. It’s too embarrassing.”

“Oh, come on, it can’t be any worse than the shit I listen to. My old girlfriend kept trying to make me listen to indie stuff and goth punk. We argued about it a hundred times. I agreed that her stuff was musically superior, but what’s the point of music if it doesn’t make you feel good and run fast? She called my stuff ‘Music to Save the World By’ like it was some kind of insult. Here, I’ll play one for you.”

I hooked Jeeves into the room speakers and played the most embarrassing song in my library, a 2023 remake of a 1990s pop song that had been so universally hated and overplayed, if you tried to play it in the engineering dorm, a whole group of guys would crank up heavy metal to drown you out.

But Minerva listened respectfully.

“It’s not even the original!” I admitted. “I got so much shit for that, from Judy and the guys I worked with. Half the time, I don’t even listen to the original versions of the songs I like! I listen to high-bpm remakes and remixes of stuff from the ‘80s and ‘90s. So, your musical taste can’t possibly be worse than mine.”

Minerva was nodding along with the song. “It’s a shame everybody hates this now. The lyrics are actually kind of sweet; just a song about friendship and being loyal to people.”

“If you can understand the lyrics to this song, you really are a goddess. Come on, what do you like?”

Minerva sighed. “When I was a girl, I used to like Taylor Swift. My counselor gave me a huge playlist of stuff by her and made me listen to it when I was in the research lab, when they were trying to make me act more like a normal girl.

“I thought it was just nonsense, but my counselor encouraged me to ask questions about parts I didn’t understand, so he could explain human relationships and how people lived on Earth. I still listen to her music sometimes when I’m feeling bad. And you can’t tell anyone I told you that!”

“And you can’t tell anyone about mine!” I said, pretending like I had a reputation to protect. “Whatever we say in this room stays in this room, first rule of hanging out.”

* * *

“What about sex?” I asked, taking a chance on a serious question. “If it’s really this hard for you to control your strength…”

“Yeah, there were like five guys in the whole country who could handle me, and Daedalus just invited me to his wedding.”

“And that’s why you…”

“Tried to drag you up here, yeah. When they told me I’d be training a wizard, I never imagined… I’m so embarrassed; please don’t tell anybody I did this. It’s just… When your options are as limited as mine are, and you suddenly see a new guy who might be able to survive you, I got carried away.”

“Five guys in the whole country?”

“Yeah,” she pouted. “God, I just cannot handle fucking Sonny Mao again. He smells worse every time.”

“There’s gotta be a solution to this,” I pursed my lips. “Give me a minute. Okay, so you’ve got proportional strength in your whole body? Does that include internal and involuntary muscles? Could you hurt somebody with your eyelids?”

“With my…? I think I crushed a fly once.”

“Shit. But maybe… What if you didn’t try to move your arms or legs? Could you just sit in a chair and have a guy do stuff to you, or would you crush his fingers?”

“I would absolutely crush his fingers. Please don’t ask.”

“Jesus. No offense, but I’m glad we didn’t try anything. One flicker in concentration and you’d be taking part of me home with you. What about inanimate objects?”

“I have a titanium buddy in my top drawer, but it doesn’t do anything special. Phil tried to make me something with a motor, but I wrecked that pretty fast.”

“What about other gods? Could you hook up with a Norse god?”

“You mean sleep with a sexist alcoholic who smells like meat? Pass. And besides, Great-Grandpa would kill me. He already exiled me, and if he caught me betraying Olympus with a foreign god…”

“And that means angels and demons would also be…”

“Even worse, yeah. And angels don’t have dicks.”

“Really? God, no wonder they’re so pissed all the time. But you’re allowed to have sex with mortals?”

“I wouldn’t say allowed. Great-Grandpa hates it, and two women in my family have been exiled for it, but once you’ve been exiled, he kind of writes you off, and I don’t think anybody would care much after that.”

“Could somebody make you a robot?”

“We’re back to the inanimate object problem again, and have you ever tried to fuck a robot? It’s way more depressing when they have a face.”

“Okay,” I said, pacing back and forth now. “Don’t lose hope here. I am not giving up. I’m a wizard, I’m really smart.” I blinked. “Actually, I am a wizard. And you’re a god. Can gods use magic? Could I teach you a spell?”

“I can’t cast spells, but I think my owl can.”

“Your…”

Minerva made a casual gesture, and it looked like a little door opened just over her right shoulder. A magnificent white and brown owl stepped out and perched on it, making an adorable little hooting sound.

I just said, “Holy. Shit,” and gaped at it.

Minerva reached down to her plate and started feeding the owl bits of pizza – picking out pepperoni, sausage, peppers, and onions that it ate right out of her hand.

Minerva stroked the creature and her whole demeanor changed. Her face softened, all her muscles relaxed, and her dour expression changed to a strangely feminine look of innocence.

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It was heartbreaking to see this and wonder, how long had this lonely little girl had to survive on Earth with this creature as her only friend?

“Tim, this is Noctua. Noctua, this is Tim. Tim’s a wizard and he’s working on a magic thing for me.”

The owl hooted again and inclined its head like it was bowing, so I inclined my head back to it and got a little closer.

“Is it safe to feed him?”

“Never try to give vegetables or cooked food to a normal owl,” she said, “but this one can eat anything.”

Minerva made an “it’s okay” gesture, and I started feeding him bits of meat from my plate as well. Then Noctua let me pet him and made another adorable trilling noise.

“Can he talk?”

Turns out the owl couldn’t talk in words or use telepathy like me and Lydia did, but if you were sitting anywhere close to him, you could gradually get an idea what he was trying to say.

“Minerva, where did he come from?”

“Noctua followed mother down to Tartarus when she was exiled and somehow found his way to me on Earth. He’s spent lots of time here, and he’s good with people.”

I blinked again. “The owl who can’t talk is good with people?”

Minerva shrugged. “Better than me.”

“Okay,” I said, after conferring with an owl who apparently knew magic better than I did. “I have an idea, but don’t get your hopes up. These runes I use to make myself stronger, most of these runes have reversals, so if this works, we might be able to get your strength down to the point where you could… interact with normal people. But you’d have to be super careful to only use this in secure locations, with people you trust.”

“So, if this works, I could have normal sex with normal guys, like any other woman on Earth?”

“I think so.”

Minerva said, “Please try.”

* * *

“And while you’re doing that, I guess I really do need a shower,” Minerva said. Then there was a weird pause and she said, “You wanna watch me?”

I had my back to her, already moving runes around in my heads-up-display. I laughed and kept working like she had just made a joke, but she wasn’t smiling, and she wasn’t moving.

She stood there so long, I finally turned around. “Wait. You’re not joking. Why did you say that?”

Minerva shrugged. “Sonny always sneaks in to watch when I shower, so now I just leave the door open.”

“Wow. No, that’s okay. Watching people shower is a little out of bounds for hanging out.”

“It doesn’t bother me,” she said. “I used to have the HDI guys come through and sweep for cameras every few months, but they haven’t found one in a year or two. I don’t know if that means they stopped, or if they just don’t remove them anymore.”

“Wait, someone on your team… Jesus Christ. Minerva, that is not okay. Here,” I said, throwing her a contact card. “I want you to call this guy and tell him I gave you his card. Tell him you need a VBC security team to sweep your rooms before you get home. Our local CEO may not be a saint, but I’d trust him before I’d trust anybody in New York.

“And Minerva, if you catch anybody looking at you, you need to punch them. And if you’re afraid you might punch them too hard, you call me, and I’ll come punch them for you, just the right amount.”

Minerva shrugged for the hundredth time and went off to take her shower while I kept working. She left the door open, and I watched in Azael’s mirror as she came back naked, rummaged in her closet, and put on shorts and a tank top.

I was sitting just a few feet from her when she did this, but even watching it again, I can’t remember if I was being polite, or if I was honestly working too hard to notice.

I finished my reversed strength spell and showed it to the owl, who made a few suggestions, somehow, and had me add a few runes to the end. Then I gave him the completed version and encouraged him to try it on Minerva.

“Worst case, this just won’t work,” I said. “I don’t think there’s any way it could hurt you.”

Noctua lit up with Olympian fire, and the light slowly spread over Minerva.

“Do you feel any different?”

She frowned. “I think… Is that the air? I think the air feels different.”

I nodded. “Okay, I’m gonna squeeze your arm. You know the drill. I won’t use any power, just normal human strength. Let me know if this hurts, or if you feel anything at all.”

I reached out to squeeze her arm and Minerva shouted, “I can feel that! Is that how normal people feel when people touch them?”

“I… I don’t know.”

I squeezed a bit more, then squeezed harder than I normally would, until she said, “Ouch! I think that hurt! I think that actually hurt!”

I had never seen anyone so happy to experience pain before. Then Minerva yelled, “Turn around!”

I turned around and heard her rummaging around inside her clothes. “I think it worked! How long do I have?”

“Duration is tricky with spells like this. Maybe an hour?”

Minerva yelled, “Okay!” and immediately started taking her top off.

“Whoa!” I stopped her, seeing way more than I expected of a body that was… unbelievable. “No! I can’t! I still can’t! Even if… Damn! No! I can’t!”

Minerva was very annoyed. “Well, if you can’t do it, you’ve got to go get me somebody!”

“Jane, I am not gonna bring a strange man in here! Especially not with you in this condition!”

“Well, you’ve got to do something! I am not wasting this!”

“Uh… okay, if I can’t do it, and we can’t trust any normal men to do it, could you just use objects, sex toys like normal women use?”

“Can you get me something with a motor?”

“I think so.”

Minerva shouted, “Go!”

I paused at the door and said, “Make damn sure this locks behind me, and whatever you do, do not call the concierge desk! Anything you say will go straight on a gossip site!”

Minerva grumbled her agreement and yelled “Go!” again.

* * *

There was no easy place to buy sex toys in VBC Tower, but Jeeves found a place called Intimate Essentials about a block over that was supposedly open 24 hours.

I was in a hurry, so I bounced over a few rooftops and ran inside like I had a squad of cheerleaders waiting in the car. The human clerk was busy, and I didn’t trust a robot, so I ran up to a display wall and froze, realizing I had absolutely no idea what to buy.

The clock was ticking on Minerva’s spell, so I frantically called Denise.

A sleepy Denise Hardy said, “Hello?” and I launched into my explanation, talking way too fast.

“Denise! I’m sorry to wake you, but can you help me pick out a vibrator? It’s kind of an emergency.”

There was a long pause, then Denise said, “Let me just…” She wiped her eyes. “Let me just make sure I heard that. It’s three in the morning and you have… a vibrator emergency?”

“Yeah, I’m helping Minerva with a sex thing.”

“You’re helping Minerva with… Tim, are you trying to have sex with Minerva?”

“No! I’m trying really hard not to! I’m working out a spell so she can have sex with normal people, but I can’t trust any normal people right now, so I’m at this shop trying to get her some toys, and I was not expecting there to be this many choices! Some of these things don’t even look like dicks!”

I watched Denise’s thumbnail as she took this in. Finally, she said, “Okay… Share your POV and show me the whole wall left to right. Does she have a color preference?”

“Her uniform is blue.”

“Yeah, that’s not what I meant.”

“She’s so lonely, Denise. We have to help her.”

“Okay… Tim, does she have any other stuff?”

“No. I don’t think she even could use other stuff, until just now.”

“Okay. Tim, you are not allowed to ask questions about anything you see in the next five minutes. Just grab whatever I point at and put it in the bag!”

I ran through the store, grabbing a bewildering array of boxes, vials, and lotions, until Denise said, “Good enough” and I ran through the robot checkout.

The most shocking thing about this trip turned out to be the price tag, but I couldn’t charge sex toys to the DMA, no matter how much the idea made me laugh. I just spent my own money and called it a gift.

I ran out of the store carrying a garish pink bag and ran straight into a gaggle of gossip streamers standing outside. I had run out of the tower without changing clothes and had just emerged from a sex shop in full public view, wearing my Bluestar uniform polo.

“Hey new guy,” one streamer shouted. “Who’s the bag for?”

“All for me, guys!” I waved the bag. “Everything in here is going straight up my ass! You guys have a good night!”

So much for my secret identity. I launched myself straight up to the roof right in front of them and bounced back to the tower as fast as I could.

Minerva had about forty minutes left on her spell timer when I stumbled to her door and passed the bag through like I was feeding a tiger.

“I don’t know how any of this works!” I shouted to her. “Good luck! I’ll be in the lobby!”

Minerva snatched the bag of toys out of my hand and slammed the door in my face, leaving me to wander down to the lobby and hope I had done the right thing.

Minerva called me forty-five minutes later, sounding like she was about to drift off to sleep. “Hey, can you put us on the night shift for tomorrow? It’s been so long since I’ve been sleepy, I forgot how nice it is.”

I said sure, and she said, “Thanks, Tim. You’re a good friend.”