Chapter 10 – At a Standstill

Statter took more time reading the books than expected. It took him a whole five days to get through both volumes. Luckily, the second volume wasn’t full.

In his defense, they were forced to abandon their shed for three of those days. When Granny had come home the night of their invasion, she’d immediately called a whole bunch of humans. The sheer number of humans, box projectiles and flashing lights had scared the goblins off. They’d holed up back in the sewers until the whole matter was settled.

They were back now. The shed had been cleaned out. Blip and Statter had lost most of what they’d accumulated over the past week and a half, and they were both busy trying to replenish their stock. Two had been keeping a close eye on Granny, but there was no change. The only differences were that she went out even less now and that the younger version of herself came over much more frequently.

Statter’s research had amounted to nothing though. There was so much written inside those books that he couldn’t make head or toe of the whole thing. Granny was extensively well-traveled. So well, that it was impossible to tell where could be her most memorable place. She’d never truly mentioned any one place in particular.

Onch had racked his brains for an entire night before he got another idea. He’d made the goblins sit together and compile the number of times each place was mentioned. The three most mentioned places were bound to be some sort of clue.

That led to the next problem. Which of the three? And where exactly were these three places? It’s not like they were sent with a map.

Onch’s muscles stretched as he stabbed his saber low then cut upwards. He flew through a simple exercise meant to keep him in shape. His body moved unerringly through each pose, well honed from countless times of previously execution; his mind though, was stuck.

“It’s almost dawn,” Two reminded him. “The human’s will be able to see you in less than an hour. You should probably wrap it up.”

Onch slowed his movements incrementally. He ended with a sharp slash down before standing and sheathing his blade. Sweat had formed beads on his brow even in the chill of pre-dawn. His breath came steady and even. It would take more than this to make him breathless.

“Moscow, Peoria or Zaragoza,” he mused. “Where even are these places?”

He hoped they weren’t too far. It would be a hassle to take Granny anywhere far away without her finding out about their existence.

“Don’t know,” replied Two. “Is it important?”

Both goblins started to walk back to the shed. Onch pulled his jacket on entering the shed. Statter and Blip were nowhere to be seen. Kit was busy trying to find out what the rectangle that all humans seemed to talk into was. He claimed he had a foolproof method.

“Probably. If they’re not too far, we could just take her to all of them. We could get lucky and accidentally complete the assignment.”

Two shrugged. “And if it’s not one of them?”

“Well,” Onch trailed off as he took a bite from a loaf of bread lying about. He took a long draught from a barrel of water they’d managed to find. “It seems unlikely to me. Moscow was mentioned fifteen times, Peoria fourteen and Zaragoza nine times. For someone to talk about something so much means they have to have some importance.”

It was a stretch. None of them necessarily had to be her most memorable place, but there was no other alternative. He had no other clues, no other leads.

Statter and Blip barged in suddenly, throwing the door wide open. Without closing the door, they began to blabber over each other. Both looked frightened.

“We’re in soooo much trouble,” Blip began. She was pushed aside roughly by Statter who continued.

“You’re gonna get contacted in a bit. Everyone’s really mad.”

While he wanted to bang both their heads together in order to get some sense out of them, he felt he should hear them both out.

“Who? Who’s mad?” he questioned.

“Everyone.” Blip laid on the floor as she explained. “The mage, Kristala, probably your parents.”

Onch felt his stomach drop a bit. Had something happened? They’d been working hard for about two weeks now. Surely, nothing major could’ve happened in only two weeks.

“Why?” he asked. “And who am I going to be contacted by?”

Before either could respond, a purple portal appeared in front Onch making him fall back in fright. He quickly composed himself as he was addressed by a pissed off Kristala. Thankfully, there were no visuals.

“Onch! Where are you?” she shouted.

He quickly stood up and patted down his jacket. Hopefully no humans were listening in or else their hiding spot would be found again.

“My Chieftess. I’m here. What can I do for you?”

“Do for me?” came the incredulous reply. “First off, get to work! I didn’t send your lazy behinds to have fun. I hear from the others that you’ve been lazing about all day while they’re hard at work.”

Onch shot a glare at the two Tribians. They sheepishly smiled. Had Kristala not been on the line, they’d have received a kick or two.

“On the contrary,” he responded. “I’ve been hard at work myself. I’ve narrowed down the possible places,” he began to explain until he was cut off.

“I don’t care what you do! You have three days. If you can’t finish the task with the first grandmother within three days, Alamastir has promised to wipe out the entire clan of Triab. You’ve wasted enough time on foolishness, now everyone else will have to reap the consequences.”

“B-but this isn’t some simple task,” he spluttered. “It requires meticulous planning and.”

“Enough!” came the shriek of Kristala’s voice. “Three days! That’s all you have.”

And then the connection shut. Everyone stared dumbfounded at each other. The new knowledge shook all of them.

“Three days?” Two was the first to break the silence. “Do they have any idea what exactly we’ve been through? This is way above anything the average goblin can do.”

Statter also protested. “Yeah. I’d like to see them try to read through all that bad handwriting.”

Onch shook his head at the irony. Statter couldn’t even write in a straight line. Probably. Maybe. He didn’t know for sure.

Blip emptied her pockets. Silver spoons clattered to the ground. “Yeah,” she agreed. “I’d like to see them get as far as we have with all the distractions there are around here. Anyone else would’ve forgotten there was even an assignment.”

While the others argued their case to no one, Onch sat down on the nearest bench. He stared at the wooden wall, his mind wandering elsewhere. He thought of nothing in particular. No great ideas came to his mind, no particular plans of action seemed to make sense and there was no one to help or guide him.

All of a sudden, a wave of exhaustion rolled over him. The stress he’d been keeping in check for so long washed over him. He felt it in every bone and every joint. This was more than he could take. Maybe when he was younger, he’d have done better. Right now, it seemed like any decision he took was the wrong one. The truth was that he and his little band were at a standstill.

He spent the next few minutes lost in thought until he noticed that the others had quieted down. He glanced around and saw them looking at him expectantly.

“I’m sorry. Did you say something to me?”

Blip opened her mouth then closed it. Statter was about to say something, but Two cut it.

“We’re wondering what you plan to do,” he calmly stated.

Onch got to his feet and cracked his neck to the left then to the right. It was obvious that he’d have to think of something. This wasn’t the time to get depressed. There was work to do, and there were others who depended on him. Not just his four companions, but most of the goblin nation.

He racked his brains for a plan. Soon, he was pacing back and forth across the room deep in thought. He had to push things forward. There was no way around it.

Ideas were not forthcoming though. What exactly could he do to make the Granny give him answers? The problem was only compounded by the fact that he had to conceal his and his group’s existence.

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

The door exploded open for the second time in less than an hour. Kit bounded through excitedly also forgetting to close the door. Two got up again to close it.

“You’ll never guess what I found out,” Kit announced to the room. “Those rectangles are way more than what they seem.”

A loaf of bread bounced off Kit’s head. Statter stood with his hands on his hips. “Now’s not the time you oaf.”

Onch held up a hand. “Wait. Let him talk.”

Kit shrugged before continuing. “It’s pretty simple. Granny uses the rectangle to talk to other humans all day. It’s probably the most used feature of the phone. But there’s so much more. You can watch videos, play games, buy food and use the internet as well.”

“Phone? Videos? Internet? What’re you talking about?” Onch confusedly asked. He raised an eyebrow.

“Umm, those rectangles are called phones. Videos are pictures that move, and internet is something humans are addicted to,” Kit replied. “It took me some time, but once I understood it all made sense. I can’t lie, I was quite impressed.”

Moving pictures and addictions whirled about in Onch’s mind. None of it was useful. Or at least, there was nothing he could find that was useful.

It was Blip who came to the rescue. “Wait a minute,” she started as she pointed a finger at the ceiling. “Who does Granny talk to all day? Whenever I see her, she’s always talking to her phone.”

An idea blossomed in Onch’s mind. A small smile slowly spread into a grin as he worked out the details. He’d have to improvise, but he could definitely use this information to his advantage.

The others had descended into a shouting match over who Granny talked to all day. Blip favored a long-distance lover while Kit and Statter were of the opinion that it must be whoever ran the local mortuary.

Onch clapped his hands to get their attention. “Alright you blithering idiots. Enough talk. Let’s get to work. I’ve an idea and little time to implement it.” He bounced a piece of cheese off of Blip’s head. “Here’s something you’ll like. Find me a phone. Working of course. I don’t want one that doesn’t work.” He then turned to Statter and flicked another piece of cheese at him. “You’re gonna do some stalking. Find out who Granny likes to talk to.”

That left Kit and Two. Two’s job was easy. It was something he’d been planning for a while. Kit though, had a surprisingly different job.

“Two, you’re going to find out where these places are. Moscow, Peoria and uh, I forget, the third.”

“Zaragoza,” Two filled in.

“Yeah, Zaragoza. Find out where they are and how we can get Granny there. As for you,” he pointed at Kit. “You’re the operator. If you can find out what a phone is then you’re going to learn how to use one. Or do you already know how?”

Kit smirked. “I have a good idea. The kid I terrorized was pretty cooperative when I threatened his dog.”

Onch snorted. There was a certain lack of finesse in terrorizing a child for intelligence. Whatever worked though. They didn’t have time to be refined.

All four goblins looked to him, waiting for further instructions.

“Well then. Move it,” Onch commanded. “Get back before nightfall. We’ve got to get our answers today.”

There was a commotion as everyone scrambled to rush out and complete their task. Onch was left standing alone in the shed. He sat down and ate a hearty meal. He’d wait. It was up to him to organize the others and get the work done.

It was only after he’d filled his stomach that he wondered where Kit had gone. His job wasn’t immediate. He rolled his eyes as he sat down against wall to rest. As long as his plans weren’t interrupted, he couldn’t care what anyone did in their free time.

It was well past midday when Blip came back bearing a multitude of phones of different sizes and weights. Kit came behind her lugging around his glaive. It was as if the weapon was an extra arm. One could never find the red goblin without it.

Kit fired up the first phone only for it to close a few minutes later. Nothing they did would make it work. Eventually, Kit smashed the phone to pieces against the wall.

“Stupid thing probably never worked in the first place. The first time was just a fluke I tell you.”

Onch was undeterred. Almost every human had one. There had to be a working phone amongst these.

The second phone turned on and worked just fine. Kit demonstrated what a video was, and the three spent the next hour watch videos humans making different types of tasty looking food until the phone turned off just like the previous one. Blip threw the phone into the neighbor’s yard before turning to the third.

They were much more cautious about using this one. A small button turned the phone on, but Kit couldn’t get it to work like the previous ones. There was some sort of code on the front, and nothing was going to break it. Eventually, they gave up, and Kit punted the phone onto the street for the box projectiles to run over.

Kit came back rubbing his feet and cursing. The phone was much harder than Kit’s foot and had gotten the better of the exchange. Or maybe not, seeing as it was in pieces in the middle of the road.

The fourth and fifth were similarly blocked off. Onch was beginning to get a little apprehensive, but luckily, the sixth phone worked just fine. They refrained from using it and waited for Statter and Two to come back.

Statter slunk in just before the sun set with news. Granny had neither a lover nor was she preparing for her inevitable death. She spent most of the time talking to friends and her children. Her daughter was the most contacted of the bunch.

When Statter had finished his report, Onch made up his mind. “Ok. Kit, call Granny,” he ordered. It was time to set things in motion.

Kit just looked at him blankly. “Uh, I don’t have her number.”

Onch stared back not comprehending. “Her number?” He fumbled for the assignment folded and crumpled in his jacket pocket. “Let’s see here,” he said as he scanned the letter for numbers. “It says here 37/2. That’s her number.”

“No, no.” Kit shook his head. “Her phone number, not her house number.”

Onch glanced down at all the other phones strewn about. None had any numbers one them. It occurred to him that he’d neglected learning about humans himself. He’d left most of it to the others, especially Two.

“I don’t get it. I don’t see any numbers.

“Each phone has its own number,” Kit explained as if he were talking to a child. “It doesn’t have to be written down. Most humans have their numbers memorized.”

There was an obvious fix. Onch sent a kick at Statter’s backside. “What’ve you been up to the entire day? Go and find Granny’s phone number.”

Kit stopped them with an outstretched arm. “Wait. I can find it out. Just let me go to Granny’s. It’ll take a few minutes.”

Onch sucked in a breath. He weighed the pros and cons. It really didn’t matter. If they couldn’t get things done within three, now two and a half, days, it was all going to be pointless anyway.

“Fine. Take Statter with you. Don’t get caught.”

Blip closed the door as both goblins exited. She turned around and asked a surprisingly mature question. “How’re you holding up?”

Onch was taken aback. The last thing he’d expected was therapy from the diminutive Triabian.

“Why do you ask?” There was no way he was going to answer the question.

Blip just shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve heard humans asking each other that. I thought it might work with you seeing as how human-like you are.”

Onch sent one of the phones flying across the room. Blip was quick to dodge.

“Stop annoying me and do something useful.”

Blip’s idea of useful was stacking up the unused phones into a pyramid. At least it kept her quiet.

Statter and Kit took an hour before they came back. They whispered excitedly to each other.

“Give me the phone,” Kit said as he held a hand out.

Blip flipped the phone end over end through the air to crack into Kit’s sternum. The phone fell to the ground and its screen shattered.

“You idiot,” growled Onch. “We don’t have an infinite supply.”

They searched for another working phone. Surprisingly, many of the phones had turned off and were not in working condition. It took several minutes before Kit dialed a number into one of the few phones still functional.

It rang once, then twice. Kit had placed it on something called speaker phone. On the ninth, yes, Onch counted each ring, Granny finally picked up.

“H-hello?” a frail voice could be heard. “Who’s this?”

Onch snatched the phone from Kit’s hands. “Hello madam. I’m speaking from,” he paused as he thought of a name. “Kitblip industries,” he continued. “I’d like to congratulate you. You’ve been referred by one of your friends for a prize raffle. Why, it says here you just spoke to her today. We’ve selected you for a once in a lifetime trip to one of the following three places. We’ll be taking you to either Moscow, Peoria or,” he trailed off and looked at Statter for help.

Statter mouthed something, but Onch couldn’t understand what he was saying. Blip reached up and grabbed the phone.

“And the third place is Zargozi!” she happily announced. “Congratulations!”

There was a slight pause. “Zargozi? I’ve never heard of that.”

Onch smacked Blip and took the phone back. “I’m sorry, I meant Zaragoza. So ma’am, where would you like to go?”

Again, there was a pause. “Where did you say you were speaking from again?”

Onch hesitated before responding. “Blipstatter industrial corporation ma’am.” He scratched an itch on his back. What did it matter to Granny?

“Is this a scam?” came the reply. “I’ll have you know, I’m not that easy to scam. I know my rights and everything. I know I’m not supposed to give you my bank details or my computer or anything. My daughter has taught me everything. I know you little rascals are calling for my money. You know what? I just got robbed. I’m not stupid enough to fall for your tricks.”

The rant lasted for nearly five minutes. When finally Granny stopped to take a breath Onch interjected.

“I’m truly sorry to hear you’ve been robbed, but this is nothing of the sort. We don’t want any of your details. Just tell us which of the three places you’d like to go. Which place is most memorable to you?”

“No, no. I’m not speaking to you anymore. I’ve an idea to call the police. Good night.” The line cut off abruptly.

The others stared at Onch with blank expressions.

“That wasn’t how that was supposed to go,” Kit commented.

“Thank you Mister Obvious,” Onch snapped. “Was it my voice? Something I said? Or was Granny just too paranoid?”

Blip ran a hand over her huge earrings and sighed. “Well, there goes that plan.”

Statter grabbed another phone. “Let’s try from another one. This time I’ll talk.”

They tried once again, but Granny was in no mood to pick up the phone. It became apparent that their plan had failed.

“Dammit!” Onch shouted slamming a fist against the wall. “So close.”

The door to the shed swung open slowly to let Two in. He smirked upon seeing their countenances.

“What happened?” he suggestively asked.

Onch’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “What is it? Spit it out.”

It took a brother to know another. Two was hiding something, and he was being smug about it.

“Oh nothing. I was on my way back when I heard a scammer calling Granny. I took a listen. Turns out Granny knows when to say no. I never thought she’d be smart enough to detect a would-be scammer.” Two fought to hold his laughter. It only served to make the others more angry.

“And your point is?” Blip angrily retorted. “Fine, we couldn’t get her to tell us what we wanted. I suppose you managed to find something that’ll help us?”

Two nodded enthusiastically. He relented as he let them in on his secret. “Yep. Your call served some purpose at least. As soon as the line cut, Granny began reminiscing about all the places she’d been to in her life. She went on and on, talking to herself like some sort of lunatic. First it was this, then that. Then a ramble about someone called Jonathan. I’m sure I now know where we need to take her.”

Two paused for effect. Four eager faces awaited his information. Statter stuck a hand out to Blip.

“How much you wanna bet it’s Moscow?”

“How about your set of golden birds for my silver spoons?”

Both of their heads collided roughly. Onch pushed them aside and motioned for Two to continue.

“It’s Zaragoza. More specifically the Cathedral of the Saviour in Zaragoza. She supposedly met Jonathan there. I have no clue who he is though.”

“Probably the local mortuary in-charge,” Kit stated matter-of-factly. “Perfect. Now what?” he asked, turning to Onch.

Onch asked the single question of importance. He’d sent Two for something else.

“How far?”

“It’s pretty far,” came the answer.

“Argh. How are we gonna get her there?”

Two smiled a toothy smile. He usually never smiled. Two was more of a depressed and tired goblin. Apparently, he’d found something amusing.

“Did you know humans can fly?”