“As the Deer pants fort the water brooks, so my soul pants for you, O God.”

-Psalm 42:1

Jaius stood with Maleric as the young woman reported to him. Alise and Lorna stood about ten feet behind them with their heads close together. “…Beslin was killed by the former Hyress. His dagger was just about to pierce Alianna's heart and the former Hyress killed him. Theric is in the dungeons, I have not seen him for weeks. It is only I that remains now master, what are your wishes?” Jaius noticed that the girl had very large, wide eyes. She looked too innocent to be one of Malerics spy's, but, he shrugged mentally, he supposed those were the best kind. Maleric hurtled the stone he had been holding at the nearby tree. “Is that all!” he grated through clenched lips. “The new Hyress, she plans to disguise herself. She has named myself and six others as her Ladies in Wanting. What we are waiting for I know not? Her main goal in this is that one of us will be disguised as Hyress and she will walk as one of the ladies. It is a way to protect herself. Beslin exposed the threat to her life with his failure.”

Jaius had a mental picture of himself slapping himself in the forehead. “I never should have told her that story.” “This girl is resourceful, and far too smart. We must move up our plan. I will kill her and raise the Catha-Dral to the ground ere this month be over and the Herald returns. Now, if that is all, return quickly before you are missed.” The girl bowed and hurried away. Jaius looked after her. Far below, in the valley, he could see the structure they called Catha-Dral. “Ali” he thought.

“Come Jaius! We have work to do.” Jaius quickly turned away and hurried after Maleric. Alise and Lorna were just steps behind him. He still couldn’t believe how in shape he was in this world. All the running and lifting he had been doing has started to define his muscles. He wasn’t Schwartzenager but it was still far more than he ever thought he'd have. Within an hour they were walking through the gates. Maleric turned to face him. “These Horuses. How will she use them again?” “Most likely she will place men on their backs. The men will have swords and shields, possibly lances.” “Lan-ces?” “They are long poles with spear points on the end.” Jaius grabbed a nearby stick of wood from a pile, and placed it under his arm. “The man holds it under his arm and braces it as so. He then charges forward on the Horuse and the speed and weight of the beast and his own weight and strength thrust the lance through an opponent. Armor can't stop such a thrust.”

Maleric looked at the walls. “How do you defeat them?” “Pikes and Arrows.” Maleric looked at him with brows furrowed. “A pike is a pole with a spear tip at the end. It's between 12 cubits and 20 cubits long. A bow is a curved wood frame joined by a cord. The Arrow is a very small spear that is launched from the bow. It is an effective defensive weapon from walls.” Maleric nodded. “You will go to the craft maker and instruct him. I want these weapons produced as quickly as possible.” “Yes sire, I will go now.” Maleric nodded and turned to enter the main building. Jaius turned to look at Lorna and Alise, and saw Alise looking at him, that Blue eye almost condemning him for his betrayal. Which actually may not have been what she was thinking, but it was what he felt well up in him. An overwhelming guilt. Maybe because it looked too much like Ali’s blue eye looking back at him. He sighed and then turned back to Maleric. Ever since the girl had revealed that Ali was using the Queen Amidala ruse, a plan had begun to form in his head, one that could end Maleric and save them all, or at the very least keep Maleric from killing Ali and her people. “Father.” Maleric stopped and turned to look at him. Jaius moved closer to Maleric but stopped a few feet away.

“Another option has come to my mind in regards to this Hyress and her people. I may have a way for them to be brought under your control that will be a lot less costly in time, material and men.” Maleric looked him up and down and then said “Proceed.” “What if I were to go there with you and offer an alliance through marriage to this Hyress. If she agrees then I would be in a position to make sure your interests are protected, and if she does not agree then we will already be inside and will have forces hiding outside the village that can reinforce us. Either way, you will have control over her and the Catha-Dral.”

Maleric didn't show any indication on his face what he thought of Jaius's plan. He studied him for a moment, and then smiled. It was the type of smile that sent a chill down your spine. “You are full of ideas my Son, yes, this one pleases me also, and it can be worked to fit my goal.” Something in the way he said “goal” set Jaius on edge. He stopped at that point. “I will make the needed preparations. We will go there three nights from now. Make sure you are ready. One more thing. Still go to the crafter and show them how to make those weapons you mentioned, just in case I change my mind.” He said with a menacing smile.

Jaius nodded to him, his hope deflating at Maleric’s indication of a possible change of mind As Maleric eyed him for a moment and then turned and left them. He turned and went back to Alise and Lorna.

As they walked toward the craftery, Lorna looked at him. “Jaius, you know with what you told him, Maleric may kill your friend.” Jaius's shoulders slumped just a little as the statement hit him and the guilt pressed him down. “I know, I have to tell him the truth though, He can hear it if someone lies. I lied to him once, at the feast, the day he made me his son. He placed me on some machine which stretched me and tore at my muscles. I just need to hope that Ali can stay one step ahead of him.” “You love her don’t you?” He stopped and looked at Lorna. “We heard what you said to Maleric, you love this Hyress, and desire to marry her also?” The question hung in the air with many other questions floating inside it. A wave of emotions came flooding through Jaius's mind and he had no time to sort them through.

“She is my best friend and close as a sister....” he shook his head. “Yes, I love her. Wouldn’t you risk it all for Alise?” Lorna blushed and looked down. “Yes. I’m sorry for what I said, this odd emotion came over me.” “It's jealousy, and it's natural.” “Jello-usy?” “Yes, it is when you get mad when someone gets it in their head that they can take something that you consider yours.” “Oh Jaius, I’m…so sorry, I …I would never think to claim you as mine.” “But you did Lorna. And that is okay, I value honesty, to be honest in return I want you both with me, and I don't want that to change, but I also want to save Ali and have her with me so somehow she will be a part of all this and so I would say just give her a chance.” They both nodded in acceptance. “It is not uncommon for Men to have more than one wife, Jaius, so this is acceptable to us.” Alise said as if it was the most common thing in the world. “If you love her as you say, then I'm sure we can all be together. Thank you for being honest, you are truly a good man.” Said Alise with a smile. She took her sister's hand and they both smiled and then began walking toward the craftery.

He watched them go, and for a minute stood there watching them. Her last statement to him, echoed in his head. “Three wives?” The Pious side of him latched on and began wrestling with him. “Two months ago a girl wouldn't even look at me and now I'm thinking about having three wives? What is going on? Who am I becoming?” Fear from years of Catholic upbringing assaulted his mind. One wife was okay, but more than one was not. But along with that came a feeling of resentment to those statements. “Isn't life more important? If I don't marry them, Lorna will die and Alise will be sent to a horrible fate, a hell on earth. And if I don't marry Ali, and try to end Maleric, or at the very least quell him, then she and all her people will be destroyed.” After a minute or two of this internal war the Catholic sentiments began to recede, and the idea of doing whatever he had to to preserve life replaced it. He looked out on the compound and the large wall that surrounded it and then down to his clothes and the sash that he wore.

“I can barely remember the earth and my life there, and yet it has only been a few months” Images of his mom and dad, his sisters floated before him. He looked at the images for a long moment, then shook his head and walked forward. “They will move on and be okay without me. I was more a burden to them than anything else. Those two and Ali have become my life, I don’t want that life back on earth. Here, no one can bully me. Except maybe Maleric, but that is only for a time. After a few moments of trying to make this cement in his mind, he couldn't fully remove his longing to see his family again. Maybe that too will fade with time. He had noticed that when he left the compound with Maleric on these journeys to hear reports from his spies, the hardness of his heart and his closed off emotions seemed to lessen. Now, back in the compound, he could feel the harness returning, and as if the realization had exposed a deep internal conflict, he now felt it as a war between who he was before and who he is becoming. Not the Pious Jaius, but just Jaius, the kid who ran after Alianna because she was a damsel in distress, the one who wet himself when the tiger showed up, not the warrior who bested Jekk. The struggle between the two came to the fore as the stronger Jaius seemed to draw a hardness and power from this place.

“Jaius, come on.” They both said with smiles on their faces as they stood there waving at him. The wind had picked up and it was blowing their hair to the side and the sashes it was blowing straight. He smiled slightly, pushed this new internal conflict down until later, and then jogged over to them. They walked behind him like they always did, but not too far. He was lost in his thoughts about them and so did not hear the noise the animals made until they were walking near the pik pen. The smell brought him out of his thoughts. He wrinkled his face and was about to walk on when he saw movement. One oddly shaped pile of mud stirred and groaned. At first he thought it was a Pik, but as he stared at it he realized it was a human. It was Jekk. Jaius stared at him. He was covered in filth, and also laying in it, he was sleeping in it. A small spark of light flickered inside Jaius. As the empty eye sockets and mostly empty teeth sockets stared up at him.

Something bit him on the inside, something painful and deep, almost burning like a snake bite. He remembered being bitten once, non poisonous, but it still burned. This felt like that, except ten times worse. It wasn’t the conflict between the old and new Jaius, it was something deeper. It was Jekk. He had done this to Jekk and there wasn't a medicine or band-aid for it, he had ruined Jekk's life and there was no fixing it. He felt it in his heart, that burning, he had sinned. The statement shocked him. That Catholic upbringing raged to the forefront of his mind once again. His hatred for bullies, hatred for Jekk, he had given into it. He had even found a sick joy in being the one on the giving end of the punches.

“Isss thheerr som..somsthing I can do for you mys lord?” Jekk said in a raspy voice and slurred speech. Jaius cringed. “No, nothing right now...Jekk.” The smile Jekk gave him sent chills through him, not just because of the disfigurement of his mouth, but the realization that Jekk had found joy that Jaius had used his name. “Mys lord honnorssss mee by the use of mysname”. Jaius couldn't take it anymore. He tore his eyes from Jekk and ran toward the stairs that led up to the top of the wall. He stopped and laid his arms on the wall and buried his head in them. Tears came, but they were no comfort to him this time, they just burned like acid leaking out of his eyes. “What have I done?” He cried.

“Jaius” Alise said softly and he felt two hands touch his back and slowly caress it. “Jaius, what's wrong?” “I did that to him Alise. I know that he would have done the same or worse to me, but I had him beat, I didn't need to sweep his leg, to finish him off like that. I could have held back. Now he's ruined and there is no fixing it. I let my rage fill me, my hatred of bullies and I took it all out on him, I sinned Alise, I'm thinking it is a mortal one too.” She looked confused. “I'm sorry Jaius, I don't understand these words, bully, sin”. He turned to look at them. “A bully is someone who makes fun of or torments someone who is weaker then they are and does this for their own selfish reasons. I had all this rage in me and I needed somewhere to put it and so I placed it onto Jekk. I didn't care anything about him, just my own hurt. A sin is an action that we take that goes against what God has said not to do.” She seemed to be understanding but then looked confused again when he mentioned God. “God, who is God?” “He is the one who created the whole universe, my world and this world that we are in right now.” “She thought a moment, but it was Lorna who answered. “You mean the Eternal. He is the one who created our world, but no one has heard from Him for a long time, at least, we have not heard from him.” Jaius thought about that for a minute then nodded. “Both are probably the same, the Eternal is probably how God is known on this world.” Jaius replied. “Jaius” Alise said. “You keep mentioning our world, and your world. Are you saying that you aren't from this world?” He shook his head. “I'm not from this world Alise. The Hyress, Alianna, and I were by a creek on our world and all of a sudden this strong wind came upon us and when it ended I lost all contact with our world. We are not supposed to be here, but we are.”

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Lorna looked at him with light in her eyes. “That is pic wash Jaius, you are most definitely meant to be here. If you weren't here my sister and I would be without hope, bound to be used by Jekk and his friends. You saved us from that Jaius, and I believe you will save us from Maleric. Perhaps it is even the Eternal who brought you and Alianna to us.” He stared at her as what she said filtered in and brought thoughts to his mind that he had not considered before. “Could God have brought us here? But why another world?” Thinking about God brought that burning feeling in his heart to a new level. It was like the burning had replaced something that had been there his whole life. A presence, he felt separated now from it. His heart panted after it, like a man who is lost in the dessert pants for water, as a “Deer...” he said out loud, a mournful note in his voice. “A deer Jaius?” Alise said to him confused. “There are some in the woods if you wish to go hunt them. I will go get Ruk, Lak, Selak to go hunting with.” Jaius shook his head and motioned for her not to go. “I'm sorry, Alise, I wasn't thinking of hunting Deer, I just remembered something written in a book where I come from. As the Deer pants for water, so my soul pants for you Oh God.” “That is beautiful Jaius, what does it mean, my soul pants for you oh God? Is it about the Eternal?” said Lorna her eyes widening. “If this Eternal is the same person as the one we call God, then yes. I think it means that our souls, our inner self, is thirsty for God, just like a deer is thirsty for water.” He said as something began to dawn on him. “How do we get the Eternal to fill us Jaius?” Said Alise. “I..I don't know, maybe go to church and confession a lot more, and pay attention.” Pieces fitted together in his mind as he said this. “What is Church?” Said Lorna. “It is a place where people go to worship God.” “Then perhaps the Eternal departed our world and went to yours. He must have grown displeased with us.” Alise said sullenly. “If they are the same person, then he is everywhere at once, and not limited to one place, or time.” Lorna's eyes grew wide as she tried to comprehend that. “Why doesn't he stop all of this then, all of this suffering?” Said Lorna looking down at the barns in the corners of the compounds. “I..I don't know for sure. I know that we were told that when we sin it is our fault and that we need to do a good deed or say a prayer or go to a priest to have the sin removed, maybe there just aren't a lot of good deeds or prayers going on here?” “There definitely aren't.” said Alise following her sister's gaze. Jaius put his hand on both their shoulders. “Maybe we can do a good deed.” He also thought that maybe it would bring back that connection he had seemed to lose. He realized that this was the first time he truly, deeply felt like he had sinned. He ruined another person, and there was no rationalizing it and there was no fixing it, he had ruined Jekk. It was this acknowledgment that seemed to bring the separation into focus. “I need to find God! Alise, Lorna, will you help me?” They looked at each other with uncertainty, but looked at him together and nodded. “We don't know God or the Eternal Jaius, but we will help you find him if we can. We would like our souls filled also also as the Deer fills his stomach with water.”

“Alright then, we'll find him together.” He smiled a small smile, it was the best he could do with the weight on his heart. “Right now though we need to get to the craftery and show them how to make those weapons, Tonight though, I want to bring some broth to Jekk, and some pudding.” They both looked a little shocked, but then nodded their heads. “We will do a good deed to him.” Lorna said with a smile. “Yes, and every night that we can. Maybe God will forgive us.”

He pushed off from the wall and led them to a large building with smoke billowing from the chimney. After giving the instructions to the chief crafter, he and Alise and Lorna went back to his room to plan on how to get Jekk some broth each night. They had decided that Lorna would go to the kitchens between meals and tell the cook that Jaius was still hungry and he had asked for a bowl of broth. Then Jaius would pull Jekk into the barn and give him the broth.

The next day between meals Lorna went to the cook and requested the broth for Jaius. The woman, who was a small woman, but could wield her wooden spoon as well as any man with a spear, looked at her. Her piercing eyes boring into her own. Lorna shrunk back, as most did, under that gaze. “Still hungry huh? Do I not feed my master proportionately at meals?” She said with indignation “He..he said it is because of the extra practice he is having with the guards, the work makes him hungrier.”

“Hrmph'' said the woman as she slapped the wooden spoon she held in her hand down into her palm. “Very well disgraced one, I will fetch it for the master.” She said as she spit at Lorna's foot and turned to the large kettle that was set in the fireplace. A tear ran down Lorna's cheek when the woman said that, but she held it together, and wiped away the tear before the woman turned back.

“Here” the cook said, thrusting a clay jar with a stopper on it into her hands. “So the master's broth does not get cold. Now, leave my Kitchen before your disgrace slides off onto it.” Lorna bowed, more slightly then she normally would have to someone else and turned and walked briskly from the Kitchen.

When she returned Jaius smiled at her when he saw the jar. His smile lessened when he saw her face. “Lorna, what's wrong, did the cook give you the broth?” “Yes, she did, I'm sorry Jaius, I am happy your plan worked, but the cook also gave her opinion of me, of being disgraced, and it still stings.” He got up and gave her a hug. “They won't call you disgraced for long, or you.” He said, turning to Alise. They both smiled at him.

“I'm going to take this to Jekk. Can either of you make a bird noise?” They looked at him for a moment with confusion. “It's a small animal that flies and usually sits in trees and makes a high pitched sound.” Lorna was the first one to brighten up and then she made a noise that he thought sounded like a bird. “That was pretty good Lorna.” he said smiling. She smiled back at him. “I love listening to them in the morning.” He smiled again at her. “I do too, I am just not good at making the noise. Stand near the barn, but try to stay out of sight. If you see someone coming, make that noise. It will let me know that I need to leave.” Lorna nodded and then Jaius took the jar and they left and headed to the Pic pen.

When they got there Jekk was just filling up the last Pic troth. Jaius looked around, but didn't see anyone, and then went to the barn door and opened it. “Hey Jekk.” he said to the young man. Jekk turned to look at him and smiled his broken smile and waved. “Could you help me with something in the barn.” Jekk hesitated, fear seeming to come over him. “Its okay, I just need help emptying something.” Jaius said. After a few moments hesitation, Jekk put down his bucket and went into the barn and then Jaius closed the door. He looked at Jekk, and the burning in his heart worsened. He was covered in filth, and in the confines of the barn Jaius could definitely smell him, his mouth was full of broken teeth and he had deep sockets covered by skin where his eyes used to be. He seemed to be able to find you with his ears though. “Jekk, I wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened to you. I..I didn't mean for all this to happen.” Jekk looked confused at first but then he nodded his head. “iss oksay Jiass. I would have done worsss to you if you hadn'tss sssstopped meess.” “Even so, I wanted to bring you something.” He handed him the jar and took off the stopper. “Here, it is some warm broth, I'm not sure if they have fed you, but I wanted to bring it to you and want to do so every day.” Jekk, smiled his broken smile and his face made a gesture like crying. “Whys Jiass? Whys risskss yourselvss for meess?” “Becasue, you don't deserve all of this and it is my fault, and I wanted you to have something good.”

Jekk looked at him and if he had had eyes Jaius imagined that they would be open wide in shock. “I'ss nesser hersed anysonses talk likes thiss beforess Jaiusss. Nose onese carress aboutss anyoness elsess arounds heress.”

Jaius cringed a little at those words and reflected on how much he had been walking that same road of self-centeredness and not caring about others. “Maybe that can change a little.” said Jaius “Go ahead Jekk, have some before it gets cold. “Jekk looked down and slowly lifted the jar to his mouth. He drank long from it and when he finally lowered it he smiled his broken smile. “Thanks youss Jaiusss, I wwon'ts forgestss thiss.” Jaius had no more words, the self loathing he had with what he had done to Jekk was starting to overwhelm him. He reached out and clasped Jekk on the shoulder and then walked out of the barn. He walked around the corner and saw Lorna look up at him. Her mouth opened to say something but then she shut it when she saw the tears running down his cheek. She reached out and grabbed his hand and gently led him back to his room.

Alise looked up at them as Lorna opened the door, her mouth opened too, just as her sister's had, but then shut just as quickly. Jaius mechanically let Lorna lead him to the bed and he sat down next to Alise as Lorna sat on the other side of him. Jaius buried his face in his hands. Each sister placed their arms around him and just held him for quite a while. Finally Alise said softly “Jaius, what happened, why are you so sad?” He lifted his face with his tears still fresh on it and looked at them both.

“I..I have sinned, and it is a bad sin, and I thought by doing a act of contrition it would take away the sin, but it hasn't. I feel...even more sinful now and it won't stop. It burns in my heart but there is also an emptiness.” Both sisters looked at each other and then back to Jaius. “We have felt something similar Jaius.” Said Alise lowering her eyes and voice. “When you first came here and we saw you in the pic pen we really didn't think anything of you, we were so focused on pleasing Jekk hoping beyond hope that he would choose us and save us, that we barely noticed you, and when he began making fun of you we joined in, honestly still not really seeing you, but just so desperately wanting to please him. Now looking back, and seeing how good you are and how you thought of risking yourself to save us, there is like a burning here in our hearts. We were so mean to you and didn't help you, yet you are willing to risk yourself to save us, even when we did nothing for you, it is really amazing, and yet it hurts our hearts and we can't stop the hurt.”

He looked at them both and nodded. “What I said earlier about the deer panting is like our souls panting for God, I think that is what is happening to us. We've all sinned, and been separated from God, and our souls are panting for him.” Lorna looked up at him, her eyes searching him. “How...how do we fix it Jaius, how do we have our souls filled with the Eternal, I mean God.” He stared back at them. “I..I don't know. Where I come from the Church tells us what to do and we do it, and as long as we do it good enough and stay within the group of the church then God will let us into heaven because Jesus died for us, but here in this place where there is no church or priest or sacraments, I...I don't know if there is a way for these sins to be forgiven.” All the hope that had been in their eyes seemed to leave. After a moment though, Lorna perked up and asked. “Jaius, who is Jesus? You mentioned that He died for us and because of that God lets us into heaven, also what is Heaven?” Jaius took a deep breath. “Well, Jesus is God's son and God sent him to earth to die on a cross and then he rose from the dead. Because he did this the Church has been formed so that as long as you do what the church says and stay a part of it you won't be sent to Hell. Heaven is where God lives and you won't ever die there, although you will spend forever signing songs and being at Mass forever, but the alternative is Hell which is a place of fire and torture that you can never leave.” Lorna lost a lot of her zeal at this and also confusion played across her face. “I don't know what Mass is, but what you seem to be saying is that The Eternal sent His son to your world to die and then he rose from the dead which I have never heard anyone doing, but then you say because of this this group known as the church has the ability to keep you from going to Hell and get you into Heaven where God is. And even though you seem to think this heaven will be boring, it is far better than suffering in this Hell?”

“Yes”.

“So Heaven could be like our lives here at the camp, it is fairly boring, but we are at least not suffering, where Hell would be like the barns, pain and torture and not being able to escape.”

Jaius thought for a moment and then nodded. “I guess that is a good way to think of it.”

“Maybe the Eternal has left some way for us to find him on this world” Alise said with a little glimmer of hope. “Maybe.” said Jaius. “But we are going to need to get free of Maleric if we want to go find it.” Jaius said very softly. “Maybe once you marry Alianna and us we will have more freedom.” Alise said. It seemed to be a struggle for both of them to say Alianna's name and he didn't think it was because it was difficult to pronounce. “Let's hope so. All I know is, if we die with this Sin on us, we won't be getting into Heaven.” Now fear fell upon them all as all three looked out the window to the barns at the corners of the compounds