“Love, friendship and respect do not unite people as much as common hatred for something.”
Anton Chekhov
Alison sat on the bus with her head leaning back on the seat. She was looking out the window, but her mind was elsewhere. It had flashed back to last week when she had come back to school to find out that the whole universe had flipped upside down. Keri had been rushed to the hospital, Ali and some kid named Jaius had not come home the night before. When she had heard the whole tale of the incident at that A table that day Alison had run off and spent an hour in the girls locker room crying like she hadn’t in years. Ali had run away and now no one knew where she was. Deep inside, Alison knew that what had happened to Ali was her fault. Guilt riddled, Alison had missed lunch entirely that day. Coming out of the locker-room she had run into Jim. Alison had heard people talk about someone having dead eyes, but until she saw Jim's she had never understood it. His hair was unkempt, and his cool was definitely shattered. That day had really thrown St. Pious the X out of order. She had tried to talk to Jim, but all he did was look at her blankly and then turn and wander down the hall. No one talked at the “A” table that day, the two empty seats at the head of the table a constant reminder of the previous day's events.
She tore her eyes away from the window as the buss stopped. She wasn't a hundred percent sure where it had stopped, but she knew she was close to her house, so she numbly got up and followed the other kids off. When the bus pulled away it revealed a lime green house caddy-corner to her. Recognition of the house filled her with a deep longing. She had no idea who lived there, but for the past seven or eight years it had become one of the most important landmarks in her life. It was the first way point on her way to the refuge that held comfort and solace for her. It marked the stop that was closest to Ali's house. There she had found a family that all but adopted her. A father, to take the place of the one who had run out on her and her Mom, a Mother to fill the gaps that her own couldn't. A Grandmother who had loved her as if she had been her own blood. And a sister. A sister who had held her hand every time she had had to go to the doctors for a shot, who had shared deep fears and secrets with her. A friend beyond the too restrictive definition of the word. Then eyes were floating before her, eyes filled with hatred, eyes swimming in pools of tears borne of betrayal.
Alison reached out for support and her hand felt the smoothness of metal. She looked away from the eyes that haunted her daily to see what she was holding. It was a steel pipe. It formed a railing that was fastened to a cement barrier. Beyond the pipe she could see a small creek flowing toward her. It went under the road and emerged on the other side. Her heart seemed to wither a bit inside her.
“The creek, where we used to talk about what magical land we would find if we just followed it beyond the furthest point we could see.” Tears began to blur her vision. She gripped the pipe with both hands. Her arms vibrated with the force that she was gripping it. A scream that had been building in her since that terrible day at the bus finally broke through the chains that had bound it. She opened her mouth, every muscle in her body straining, and all her pain and self loathing erupted forth in the loudest, ear-splitting shriek she had ever heard.
She was so shocked by the noise that she wanted to stop making it, but she had no control over this. There was no more room left in her to contain this hatred that she had for herself. So she thrust it upon the innocent creek, the undeserving trees. Finally the last bit flew out and she found her self gripping the pipe for support, and breathing heavily. She heard doors banging open, and people yelling. She looked over her shoulder and saw an older man walking briskly, toward her, an old woman standing in the doorway behind him dialing on a cell phone. She looked over her other shoulder and saw a similar event coming from the other houses around her.
“Uh-Oh!” Panic flooded the emptiness left in the wake of that scream. She wasn't a hundred percent sure why she needed to run, but she was in no state to decipher it either. So she took off running. She chose the way most familiar to her. Up Reed Street, past the tennis courts on the left and then right when Reed street met Country Club Drive. She ran, constantly looking over her shoulder to see if anyone had followed her. It was during one of these glances over her shoulder that she ran into someone. She fell backward, the weight of her backpack carrying her down. She heard a woman cry out and hit the ground. Alison's hair had flopped over her face concealing the person she had run into.
Her arm was caught under her pack and she was having a bit of trouble getting back to her feet. “Oh My gosh are you Okay dear. I'm very sorry...I.. I didn't see you. Here let me help you.” Came a familiar voice. Alison began to cringe inside herself, she knew who she had run into. A firm hand grabbed her arm and began to pull her up. Alison let her self be pulled upward. When she had regained her feet she felt her hair being brushed away from her face. For the briefest instant she saw the kind, compassionate face of Emily Oaksen, Ali's mother. So many times in the past that expression had made all her fears go away, because it had always been followed by one of the most soul-warming hugs she had ever felt. She tried to hold onto that moment, trying to will it not to continue on into the next.
The moment resisted all her best efforts and time flowed onward. Mrs. Oaksen's warm smile faded and her face went blank. She staggered away from Alison, her mouth trying to form Alison's name but nothing came out. Mrs. Oaksen's eyes squeezed shut, and she turned her head down and to the side. Then her head would snap back up and her eyes lock on Alison. This repeated several times, each time her eyes locked on Alison, they became more wild. This began to wigg Alison out so she said something before really thinking about it.
“Momma I...” she didn’t really think it through, It was what just what she had always called her, and she said it before thinking about it, saying it out of force of habit.
Mrs. Oasken's eyes went from wild to flames of fury quicker then Alison had thought possible. She surged forward and began to hit Alison with the mail envelopes that had been in her hand.
“You don't get to call me that....EVER AGAIN!” Mrs Oaksen shrieked. “You vile, evil, despicable, wretched, worthless, traitor!” Each word was accompanied by a hit with the stack of mail. The mail itself didn't really hurt Alison, had this been any other instance of her getting whacked by envelopes, she might even have laughed. Here though, in this moment, the touch of those letters drove barbs into her, past skin, muscle, and bone, deep into her soul. Those words burned in her mind, a wall of fire that overwhelmed her best attempts to deffend against it.
“Emi...No!” A voice shouted from the garage. Mrs. Oaksen had dropped the envelops and was drawing her arm back with her hand open. “I hate you for what you did to...!” She screamed as the open hand began forward. Alison watched in horror as it descended. She'd never seen her act like this before. Halfway through its decent a hand grabbed Mrs. Oaksen's arm and another arm was wrapping itself around her body, pulling her away from Alison. Mr. Oaksen had arrived and now held his wife tightly. He had lifted her off the ground where she struggled against him with all the energy she had. “Let go of me Jonathan! Let Go!” She screamed, her voice already well on its way to horse. “She has to pay, she has too. Jonathan its her fault, if she had been a normal human being she never would have abandoned Ali to those devils at school.”
“Emi stop, this won't help us find her, it will just make things worse.”
“No! NO! I will never stop, even after we find her.” Mrs. Oaksen stopped struggling and turned to look at Alison. Her eyes bore directly into Alison's. “I never thought I would ever feel any relief that my mother had died, but right now, I am so glad she is not here. That she didn't have to witness seeing what you really are Alison. Why was it my daughter, Why? She has a mother and father who love her, why couldn't it have been you, no one would have missed…!” “Emi!” he said more sternly this time. His tone succeeded in deflating Mrs Oaksen. She sagged against his arm, her shoulder started to shake. Alison stood frozen. She remembered Ali telling her about what Mrs. Oaksen had told her hatred really meant. Alison had been so shocked by the definition that she had prayed never to witness it in any form. Here it was though, she had seen hatred burning in Mrs. Oaksen's eyes. The part that made it worse was that Alison was beginning to believe that she deserved it.
Mr. Oaskes looked directly at her. “Alison, I think you had better go home now, and please don't come this way again... ever.” His voice was controlled, but instead of hatred she saw deep wells of disappointment. Mrs. Oaksen's words had scared her, but that calm voice telling her that she could never return, that was what unhinged the gear in her head. It was the finality of “Ever” that tore through her. She had lost her refuge, lost her solace, the gates to peace were forever closed to her.
Numbly she nodded. She tried to speak. “I...I''m Sor...:” But both their eyes flashed as she began the apology, which made her realize that the words were truly empty. She hung her head and walked around them, giving Mrs. Oaksen a wide birth. She could hear Mrs. Oaksen's muffled sobbs chasing after her, but she was to tired to run, to uninterested in anything in that moment. Then the sobs turned to wailing. It was such a heart wrenching noise that it tugged Alison's head around. The Oaksen's had collapsed to the grass. Mr Oaksen was holding his wife, cradling her against his chest. Mrs. Oasken's shoulders were shaking with her grief. “I've lost them both Jonathan, both! Both my Ali’s are lost. Why both?” She cried. It was the “both” that finally brought the tears to Alison's eyes. “Oh my gosh! Did she really love me that much?” A void appeared in the middle of Alison's heart. In it she saw the emptiness from her night terrors. The all encompassing void that terrified her. Emily Oaksen wasn’t her real mother, but had she given up getting what she wanted, even from an adopted mother, just to get what she may never hear from her real mom? This question would haunt her for quite some time to come. She began to run, sprinting home as fast as she could, trying to outrun that void.
She found no safety at home, the void still followed her. She didn't dare tell her mother what hat just happened. Her mom would have totally flown off her rocker and gone after the Oaksen's with a vengeance. She couldn't do that to them. But she needed a friend. Jim didn't seem to be any good to himself of late, so she was pretty sure he wouldn't be much help to her. There had been a cooling off between her and the other girls at the table in the past week also, and Mandy seemed to be at the center of that. Alison had been struggling to decipher what that all meant. That left just one person, Keri. Of all the “A” table, she would have to say that the one she was closest too was Keri, even if Keri didn’t feel that way.
She pushed all the fear and anger that the encounter with the Oaksen's had birthed deep into the back of her mind, now was definitely not the time to let those out. She paused at her Sister Megan’s room and almost knocked, but Megan wasn’t at the table, didn’t play the game. Alison knew she would listen and be encouraging, but she wouldn’t be able to give her any advice, or help her figure out why the others were growing cold to her. So she left her sister’s door untouched and went to her room. She got changed and did her homework while she waited till her mother got home from work. After dinner she asked her mother to take her to the hospital so that she could visit Keri. That was all it took, just mentioning Keri's name, and her mother took her without hesitation.
Alison stepped out of the elevator onto the fourth floor of the hospital. She looked down the hallway one way and then the other. She saw a desk a ways down to her left, and seeing nothing to the right she headed to the desk. The nurse was busy entering data into the computer. After a minute Alison cleared her throat. The woman's right eye tore itself away from the screen, gave Alison a cursory glance and then returned to the screen. “Can I help you?” The woman said in the monotone voice of someone who is only giving you a fraction of their attention.
“I am here to see Keri Bellows.”
“I'm sorry, only family can see her without permission.”
Alison thought quickly, then an Idea popped into her mind. “I've got a fifty-fifty chance,” She thought. “I'm her sister Trudi.”
The nurse looked down at the desk and then looked back up at Alison. Her mouth opened to speak, but just then an alarm went off at the desk. The nurse's eyes focused on it, and her face became all business. The nurse pushed herself away from the desk and began to run away from the desk.
“Hey, what about me?” Alison called after her.
The nurse seemed to ignore her as she ran around the corner.
Alison stamped her foot in frustration. She wasn't sure that the nurse had bought her lie and wasn't too sure she should wait at the desk to find out. Then she remembered the nurse looking at something on the desk. She stood on her tiptoes, which was just enough to give her a view of the desk. There was a clip board with names and numbers beside the name. She had to read them upside down, but even then she was still able to make out Keri Bellows's name. The number next to it was 405. Alison dropped back down and looked hurriedly around at all the doors. The one behind the desk said 405.
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She went around the desk and stopped just outside the door, where she inhaled deeply.
“What if she hates me too? What if she wants nothing to do with me either?”
She put aside those thoughts as she let her breath out and opened the door. The room was dark except for the lights of all the monitors stationed near the bed. No one else was in the room. From the doorway she could barely tell that it was Keri. The girl in the bed had thin wispy hair, and a sallow face with dark rings under her eyes. It wasn't until she moved over to sit in the chair next to the bed that she could plainly see Keri Bellows laying there. Something welled up inside Alison, she felt such pity for Keri. It struck her that she could feel that way about someone who showed no pity themselves. Alison reached out and took hold of Keri's hand. After a few seconds she felt Keri's hand return the pressure on hers. Her eyes fluttered open and she turned to face Alison. Keri squinted, and then her eyes widened as she saw who it was. Keri let go of Alison's hand and quickly turned on her side and held her arm over her face.
“Don't look at me Alison.” Keri said in a much weaker voice than Alison had ever heard from her. “I'm hideous, they weren't supposed to let anyone in here. Please don't tell anyone what you saw here...please...” the last part was a broken cry. Alison watched as Keri's shoulder's began to shake. Alison walked around the other side of the bed, leaned over and put her arms around Keri. Keri went stiff as a board, but after a few moments she returned the embrace and cried into Alison's shoulder. As Alison sat there consoling Keri, a morbid thought came to the fore of her mind. “This isn't some flu or something, this is serious. She's been in here a week, and she looks like Hell still. If she comes back to school before the year ends, she isn't going to be the same. Whether Keri goes on to High School or has to stay back, she isn't going to be the same. There will be a new Queen next year,one elected by the table, and because she made me equal to Mandy in the table's leadership, it will be between Mandy and I. That’s why the others have grown cold to me. If I could win that spot...my Mom would think I'm the best daughter ever. I won't need the love of a surrogate mother anymore, I'll be queen of the Eighth Grade, and a princess in her eyes.” Keri pulled away from her and looked at Alison with bloodshot eyes.
“Thanks Alison. You're the only one, besides Jim, who was even willing to check how I was doing. Mandy must be off planning her coronation for next year.” She paused and looked Alison up and down. “I'm not going to be back for the rest of this year.” Keri's face began to grow pale and she looked to the side. “I may not be back...ever.” She squeezed her eyes tight but after a few moments shook her head slightly.
Keri turned back to her. “I have leukemia Alison, its cancer that affects your blood cells. I first had it when I was five. I lost all my hair and had a real rough time in school because of it. When I was ten they said I was cured, because I didn't show any more signs of it. I guess they were wrong. They say they need to kill all the cells that produce my blood, and then introduce healthy cells back in. For that though, they need a donor who meets certain requirements. They say I have a rare blood chemistry and they will have trouble finding a donor to save me.”
Her shoulders sagged, and a dark shadow passed over her face. She remained like that for a while. Alison didn't know what to do, should she try to comfort her, or just wait? “What about Trudi? She is your twin sister, shouldn't she have the right blood type?” Keri shook her head. “Or what about the person who donated when you were five, could they still help?'
Tears welled up in Keri's eyes, but she held them back. “Trudi isn't an exact match and the person who did it before, ....They passed away a number of years ago.” Alison caught the pause, like Keri had been going to say something else but stopped, but she didn’t want to pry so she didn’t say anything.
“You have been kind to me while you were here, and so I'm going to return the favor. Due to the position I gave you at the table, and with me and Trudi not able to be present for the rest of this year, then Amy Reader will organize an election between you and Mandy. You have the same shot as Mandy for my chair at the table next year. But Mandy has been playing the game a lot longer than you have.
I'll tell you something about her though, something you can use to tip the scales in your favor. If it looks like she is winning, pull her aside and hand her what I'm going to give you. Please hand me my backpack in the corner there.” She said pointing to the far corner of the room where a number of bags and suitcases were set. Alison went over and lifted the backpack and set it on the bed next to Keri. It looked to Alison that it took all of Keri's strength to just open the bag. She opened a pocket inside and pulled out an envelope. It had “Mandy, 6th grade” written on it. Keri took a deep breath and handed it to Alison. Alison took it, but Keri did not let go of the other end. “I would make a copy of the thumb drive that is in here. Once you show the video that is on it to her, and threaten to plaster it all over social media she will fold like an envelope. All I ask is that, if I survive this, and have to repeat the eighth grade next year, that you keep a place at the table for Trudi and myself.”
Alison's mouth was hanging open. Keri had caught her totally off guard. “Sure..sure Keri, if I win, you and Trudi will be welcome for as long as you wish to stay.”
Keri sighed with relief and was about to let go of the envelope and give it to Alison when she paused and looked Alison in the eye. “One more caveat to this deal, Alison.” She paused as Alison gave her a blank stare and tried to mouth the word Caveat. Keri smiled slightly. “It refers to an additional requirement to a deal, another condition to my telling you what I know.”
“Oh, sorry.” Alison found herself blushing.
“Its okay. Anyways, there is one more condition. If I don't...” She took a deep breath. “If I don't make it through this, you have to swear to me that you will keep an eye on Trudi for me. That she will have a place at the table. Mandy never really liked Trudi, and I'm afraid that if I'm not there Mandy will turn on her. I'm handing you the election Alison, but you have to swear to me that you will take care of Trudi.” Emotion broke through in Keri's voice as she finished. Alison could see through the mask that Keri always wore, and she saw before her a scared girl who was facing a terminal illness, but was at the same time trying to protect her sister. Tears started to leak out of Alison's eyes. guilt roiled inside her. Keri Bellows had more love for her sister then Alison had had for her's, either of them. Ali was missing because Alison had been too much of a coward to try to protect her, and she didn't feel like she had ever really been a good big sister to Megan. Alison's shoulders began to shake. “I...I pr..promise Keri, I'll look.. ou..out for tru.tru. Trudi.” Alison dissolved into sobs. She buried her head in Keri's lap. Keri stared at the reaction for a moment, then nodded as if realizing something, and began to rub Alison's back. “It will be OK Alison, they'll find her.”
“It won't be OK Keri, I've destroyed them. The only people who were ever nice to me, Ali's gone because of me. Her mom.. her mom hates me Keri. ” she then laid there whimpering for a while.
Keri's mouth opened to say something, but then snapped shut. “I can't tell her it wasn't her fault. I can't tell her that I'm the one that set this all up, because then she will not agree to watch over Trudi. I'm sorry Alison, but the promise must be kept.” Keri began to sing, it was a lullaby that pushed its way up from her childhood. A song that helped her through the last time this disease had ravaged her body. Someone she loved very dearly had sung this song to her when she was a sick little girl. A memory, a voice, a deep bass, resonated in her mind as she sang the song a few octaves higher than he had. She let the tears leak from her eyes as she looked down upon Alison's trembling shoulders.
She wanted to feel a bit put out. She was the one possibly dying, the one keeping the raging fear trapped on the inside so that she could be strong for her mom and Trudi. But, in that moment she saw before her someone who had sold everything for the chance to be popular and she felt a deep, true, pity for Alison. Then guilt tried to force its way in. “I did this to them.” and just before it broke through, the iron wall of resolve slammed in-front of the guilt. “No, I will not falter, I will keep my vow!” As she sang the guilt faded away, and Alison began to quiet, and she was lost in the memories the song brought to her mind. When it was done she opened her eyes, and found Alison sitting up and staring at her, mouth slightly open. “K...Keri you have a beautiful voice.”
Keri's cheeks reddened somewhat. “Not really.” She said a bit sheepishly. Alison's eyes widened slightly. “How did I miss this, how did everyone else, there is another Keri inside there, and she's human.” Keri shook her head and the window into that other Keri dissipated. When she looked back at Alison, the iron mask had returned. “Alison, are you sure you want to do this? The table weeds out those who can't handle the game during their first year. Of the four sixth graders that are chosen, almost always one, sometimes two aren't invited back the next year. We usually lose a seventh grader as well by the end of the year. It's geared that way so that those that reach Eighth grade at the table are toughened enough to keep everything afloat. To be the trend setters. No matter what that trend may be, they have to be so unshakable in the coolness that everyone else believes that it, whatever “it” is, is the coolest thing ever. A Queen has to be the most secure in her own skin, the one at the table who will not falter no matter what situation comes up, for if she wavers even a little, the whole status structure could crumble. I saw Amy's natural bent for the table within the first week of sixth grade and I knew she would be the one I would have to beat. It was a tough race, but I not only beat her, but I won her respect in the process....What?”
Alison looked away with red in her cheeks. “What!” Said Keri a bit shrilly. “Keri...your rambling...what what's wrong?” Keri's mouth slammed shut. She took a deep breath and let it out. “Alison, of all the people that have come and gone at the table, Jim was the only one I knew was my friend. I thought he would always be the only one. But...” Alison had looked back at her, and she saw the mask fade away again as Keri talked. “I have.... I've come to think of you as my friend too. I can't say when exactly it happened... but...well....” Keri looked down. Her wispy, dark hair falling over her face. Alison reached out and slid forward on the bed. She was just in time too, because Keri reached out and wrapped her arms around her and buried her head in Alison's shoulder. “Oh Alison, I'm so scared. I don't want to die, what was the point of all of this if I'm just going to end here. I've made no mark on this world. A handful of people might remember me till they also die, and then what??” Alison cringed on the inside. She avoided thinking about death like the plague, because every time she thought of it, all that came to mind was imprisonment in the basement closet that went on forever. She sat in her religion class each day and had yet to find any shred of hope that it wasn't just another class that she had to pass to make her mom happy. Here she was, holding someone who has come face to face with death and she had nothing to offer her. “Keri, you're not going to die. You beat this disease once, right? You can do it again. They have super medicines now a days, you'll be back at the table in no time. Keri... I consider you my friend too. I… I think that’s what I’m here right now. I needed a friend and you were the first person to come to mind. It is really nice to have a friend again, and I'm not going to let you go. I'll help you through this OK, and because your my friend, please call me Ali.” Keri grabbed on to her more tightly, but her crying seemed more normal, almost more joyful. Alison laid her head on Keri's shoulder. “Wow, it really has been a long time since I had a friend's shoulder to cry on.” So she took advantage of the opportunity too, and let her own pent up emotions leak out.
After a while Alison pulled away and looked at Keri. “I should go before they come back. They don't really know I'm here.” Alison got up off the bed and turned to wave at Keri. “Ali.” She said with a shy smile, another shocking expression from someone Alison thought didn’t know what shy was. Alison smiled back. “Would you hand me Liquorice?” She said as she pointed to a chair next to the bed. Alison looked to where she was pointing and she saw the same teddy bear that she had seen in Keri's room that night she had slept over. Alison nodded and went over and picked the bear up gently and turned and carefully handed it to Keri. “Thank you” she said. Her voice sounded like it came from someone a lot younger than the girl she was looking at.
Keri waved back to Alison as she was leaving her room. She thought about what she had given to Alison, about Mandy. Something that had happened to Mandy during a sleepover two years before, when Mandy had just started the sixth grade. It was something that would completely destroy her reputation if it went out. Mandy would hate her if she found out she was the one that had given it, but seeing as her supposed “best friend” had not even tried to find out how she was, she was beginning to think that Mandy might actually not want her around.
She pulled a strand of hair in front of her face, and it came loose in her hands. The thin, lackluster piece began to blur as tears formed. Her beautiful hair was now half gone, and what remained could barely be called hair. She remembered the torment the kids in grade school had put her through when they found out she had been wearing a wig. They called her chrome dome, and baldy, and cue-tip. Trudi had tried to stand up for her, but they turned on her because of her weight.
“Why should I fight this disease again? Even if I live It will be a veritable hell at the dungeon when I go back, if they can even afford to send me. The cost of this is going to be huge.” She looked at the pan they had left for her incase she got sick. She tried not to think about the past two days, and what the Chemo had done to her stomach. She didn't think a human could throw up that much.
“Why is this happening to me?” she whimpered. “The wages of Sin are Death.” these words floated in her mind. “Where did that come from?” Her photographic memory provided the answer. “Romans 6:28.” An icy cold fear began to grip her heart. She had never thought much about God either way. She studied her Catechism because it was expected of her, but she had never really thought much about it beyond the grade at the top of the paper. Laying here however, facing what she was facing, brought the subject to the fore of her mind. She reached over to the table next to her bed and opened the drawer. Inside was a Bible. She opened it to Romans 6:28. “The wages of sin are Death....” She looked up at the crucifix on the far wall. “What sin have I committed? What have I done that warrants this? I've done everything I know how to make sure she was safe. I've kept my word. Why is this happening? Why? What did I do to make you hate me?”
She screamed as she threw the Bible at the wall under the crucifix. The Bible flew across the room and smacked against the wall and slid to the floor. She started at the crucifix, her eyes demanding an answer, but when one didn't come she dissolved into tears. That was how Trudi found her. Trudi rushed over to comfort her sister. She ran right by the Bible which had landed face up and open and it remained on Romans 6:28. the rest of the verse read. “...,but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”