The days of Miinan’s confinement passed slowly for Ajijaak. He missed her so much but he did not dare go any where near the menstruation hut. Only the old women could tend to Miinan, no one else. He wondered if she had dreams, dreams of him. He dreamed every night of her. He dreamed they watched the sun rise together over the Great Sea. He was awake now, and all those dreams felt impossible. Around him where his traps, he moped as he checked them. Nearby his mother and his noko work on a deerskin blanket. It would keep them warm in the winter. He did not want to think about the winter. Where would he be, when it came? As much as he wanted to hope he would be tucked warm in that blanket with Miinan, he dare not hope it.
Finally the day came when Miinan would return. He went early to the river and washed himself all over. He put on his best loincloth and braided sweet grass in his hair. He strung more around his neck. Excitement filled him. He hid in the shadow of their door flap; he did not want to miss her home coming. Foot steps sounded outside. Miinan’s noko and her mother went down the path to the hut. Soon, very soon, he would see her.
“Ajijaak,” said his mother.
He turned to her. She asked, “Have you checked your traps?”
He shook his head.
“I think you should.” There was obvious concern on her face. She knew whom he was waiting for. Had his noko told her what he had done? No, she would not do that. She would not make his mother worry unnecessarily. He strapped on his knife and went out to check his traps. Much to his relief only one trap had been sprung. Quickly he ran back home and gave the rabbit to his noko to skin. He resumed his place by the door flap. There was not any activity by Miinan’s house, so she must not be back yet.
The sun was at mid-sky when he saw Miinan approaching the village. She had lost weight. Her eyes had dark circles under them, still she smiled.
Ziibi burst out of her house. She ran up the trail to greet her sister. Ajijaak watched her throw her arms around her sister. The two girls hugged fiercely. He heard Ziibi say, “I missed you so much.”
Miinan smiled a secret smile. For some reason it unsettled Ajijaak. What did that smile mean? He glanced around outside. Others were watching Miinan. His cousin Asaawe and their friend Azhe’o both had sweet grass tied around their necks. Both watched Miinan with new appreciation. Jealousy burned in Ajijaak. He did not like them looking at her like that. Miinan was aware of their looks too. He saw her blush.
He waited for them to pass his house. He waited for her to glance in his direction. She was almost there. His hungry eyes noticed everything about her. The way the sun caught on her hair, the way her hips moved. The beat of her heart in the hollow of her throat. He waited for her to give him the sly sideways glance she always gave him, but she passed by without even the vaguest flicker of an eyelash.
Anger and hurt coursed through him like a swollen river. Had he not risked his very life for her the other night? Had he not comforted her at the risk of his family’s safety? And she could not, would not even glance at him. Everything went red as he watched Miinan’s back disappear behind her own door flap. He saw Ziibi’s dark head. She turned to him. She saw him. The look she gave him was one of deep pity. He felt his noko’s boney hand on his shoulder. He did not know how she moved so noiselessly. In a soft voice she said, “Come Ajijaak, see what I have bitten.”
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He took the folded birch bark from his noko. With trembling fingers he unfolded it. The bark was very thin. The bruises his grandmother’s teeth had made on the bark revealed a young man in a canoe. Strange shapes and patters of circles were behind the man. What did this mean, did it mean anything, or was it just another of Noko’s pictures?
In a low voice she said, “You are on a hard journey. The skills that have been given other young men have been denied to you. But the Great Mystery has placed inside of you skills that are rare and hard to discover. Do not loose heart if your path does not lead where you want it. Trust that it will lead you to who you are meant to be.”
These words were not comforting.This was the third time a female had said something like this. These were just women’s words. What did women know? They only dreamed of basket patterns and recipes. They did not dream of hunts and wars. They did not dream the dreams of man. He shoved he bark back into his grandmother’s hands. She could keep her silly pictures.
From Miinan’s house he heard the sound of laughter and talking. Inside they were having a feast in her honor. This celebration was the one rare time, when a female was publicly esteemed.A woman had value because she could conceive and nurture life.
Ajijaak turned and slipped out the back flap. Outside he broke into a run. He did not know where he was going, and he did not care.
*
Since Miinan returned from the hut, she had been different. A distance had grown between the sisters. Miinan now had secrets she did not share. As for Ajijaak, what Ziibi had feared had happened. It was hard to see him lurking in the shadow of his pride.
This morning, she sat still on the flat stone looking down river. It had been many days since her father left and he had not returned. Her mother was beginning to worry, but Ziibi was not worried. He would be home when it was time. She felt it deep within her. What must be done was waiting and waiting was never easy. In some ways her father being gone felt like winter felt. It seemed to last forever and then one day a small breeze would blow that did not have so much ice in it. Things changed slowly. Her father was off restoring all he had given in the previous seasons so he would have more to give in the time to come. Like the trees he must drop his leaves for a while and let himself be alone and vulnerable.
A chill ran through Ziibi. One day she would know what it felt like to have to gather strength and what it meant to be depleted of that strength, but not yet. She was still a child, and would remain so if the Great Mystery would permit it, but he would not. Growth was a part of nature as was change. Nothing could remain constant but the Great Mystery.
Deep within her she felt a shift of strength and she knew that her father had set his sights on home. She did not know how far or near he was. Some said he went to the many rock water caves, others thought he went to one of the islands. No one knew for sure and he never said. Ziibi wondered what it was like to hear no other human voice, to only hear the voices of the earth and sky creatures. What was it like to speak to no one for days on end? Solitude was necessary and she suspected at times it was also painful. She had seen her father’s weariness after tending to the ill. She had read his confusion when his sincere prayers and carefully made remedies had not worked. Did she want such a life? The question had begun to haunt her. What life did she want? Did she have a choice? If the story of Ajijaak’s father was true, then yes, she had a choice. An ache welled within her. She had not asked to be born thus. She had not desired her sensitive nature. It had come to her, but for what purpose she did not know, nor did she understand. It would be so much easier to be like other girls. Other girl’s thought of homes and cooking. She walked with a spirit guardian and could not cook rabbit without burning it. If she were such a bad cook, how would she prepare poultices and charms? Mikwam whined beside her.
It was seldom that she saw him in the day. He knew she worried too much. He knew how much she longed to do what was pleasing. His nose brushed her knee. Inside all she wanted to do was run, and run hard. Mikwam kept her steady. He kept the fear from getting too big. What was she afraid of? Failure, disgrace and her own self. She wanted to do well in the world. She wanted to help people the way her father did. She wanted to offer them comfort and listening ears. Such things were expensive though. Her father had told her before he left, “Once I did not honor the strength required to live as the Great Mystery chose me to live. Then, I had to learn and I thought I had learned my hard lesson, only I discovered there were more to learn. Our lessons come when we are ready to receive them. You must trust that little one.” He had tilted up her head and looked into her eyes. Concern had been written in his eyes as well as faith in her. He believed she was equal to the task, even though she was not sure. Her father was a wise man, he would not believe something that was not true. No, he would not.
She stood and Mikwam disappeared into the brush. It was time she went home to do her chores. Mother would scold her for running off, but Noko would not. Noko understood that sometimes she needed to be alone.