“Our Lord, G-Daddy, hath dictated to His apprentice the following dictations; thou shalt not steal, kill, bribe, or eat cheese on Tuesdays from midday to afternoon, ort thou willest go STRAIGHT—not gay—STRAIGHT to Loosey’s Basement! His sacraments are all holy, and His divinity is divine. Blessed be he that walks the path G-Daddy has set upon us. And blessed is he that gives to the needy through our great church. Note the collection box being passed around.”
It was a hot day and I was sweating profusely underneath my ornate tunic. The church had called mass late to allow me to come, honoring my dukely status. I am Lord Mortemer of Kansas, the Great Masochist, Duke of San Diego. I rule the largest village in the southern Virginian Empire: San Diego.
The mass was a great way to unite the common folk, and my presence would hopefully help me to connect better with them. The best rulers don’t appear as rulers, but rather exceptional people who go above and beyond their normal daily duties. Therefore, I sat right in the crowd, in the middle of a pew in the third row. The smell of the poorly washed commoners was strong, and the heat emanating off them didn’t help.
They all watched the preacher intently, hanging on his every word, praying, kneeling, and singing when necessary. I did my best to follow, but I didn’t do so as seemingly mindlessly, paying attention to what was being said. Most of the vocabulary was far out of the comprehension of those people and was otherwise complete gibberish. This was what united the people? Worshiping ignorance? I felt silly.
Of course, Lord G-Daddy is owed all my entire undoubted faith, but to worship Him in such a way seemed incorrect. The constant game of standing and sitting and kneeling and chanting surely took its toll as I was guided through the motions, trying to connect with my people. Several hours and hymns later, covered in blood and sweat and spit, mass ended and I remained to make a speech. I would have liked to point out the faults in the service, but knew better. That was their way of life, to deny or question it would surely result in revolt.
“We all gather here, in this humble place of worship, to honor our Lord and savior, G-Daddy. But as we take time out of our days to commend Him, let us take time to commend one another. After all, it is your fellow citizen who raises your food, smiths your tools, serves for your protection. Your comrades, just as the fertile soil and healthy cattle, have been placed in this world by Him, so we must revere people as we revere the rest of nature. Let us all unite, under our common company, and move forward together under His watchful gaze. As your Duke, I will make sure we all can move forward as I have dictated. His holiness makes it so. I thank you for your time, and may every soul here, pure or not, forever walk among His light.”
My speech was met with much applause, as usual. Although many of my people likely disliked me, clearly the general consensus was that I was a decent ruler. I kept us out of war, invested in social programs, and tried to minimize their financial problems, leading to a niche prosperity for a Virginian town.
Walking out, the people made a path for me as I made way towards my horse, which was flanked on either side by two well-armed knights. Their armor was a dark orange, shining under the beating sunlight.
Balfid, my dearest friend and squire, was standing in front of them. They helped me onto my horse, a smooth white horse named Eugine. Balfid soon mounted their own to the side.
“That was quite a speech Sire! You ever thought of becoming a preacher?”
“Nay! I have my own rituals to practice, this church is for the people. Besides, they should have some freedom from me.”
“Eh, if they want freedom they can go live outside the walls. See what good that does them! You run a fine town Mortemer! People should be glad you’re their duke!”
“Nay! I’m but a man. They’re all men, women, children, and the other genders we haven’t discovered yet. I’m but a servant to them.”
“Nay! You’re their duke! It’s in your name and title!”
“Nay! Actually, you’re right. Yay.”
Our daily patrol was scheduled to start, and so I grabbed my guard troupe and set off. Our horses formed a strong garrison down San Diego's main road, its front gate further down the hill. The town was well protected by a wall, but the farmers and others outside needed constant care.
I made my usual rounds throughout the city, checking up on the citizens and guard and making sure that everything was just, pleased to see San Diego in fine shape. The commoners went about their business, shopping and working, and the guards did a fine job of standing and berating citizens for lollygagging, along with the many other rehearsed lines they had been trained to speak as to avoid controversy. Several people hailed me as I made my way through the main road on Eugine, my guard following closely behind in case of trouble.
I was only stopped when I saw a rather peculiar man I'd never seen in the town before. Who was this stranger? I looked on in curiosity before the man made eye contact with me, sneering through his darkly shadowed eyes and his long black hair. The greasy tips of his curls were dyed red, slung over his face in a rather messy, yet angsty fashion. His lighter skin set him apart from the crowd of Virginians, his ghostly image like a beacon in the masses. He was a Lord of Edge as signified by the crest on his tabard, over a medium gambeson colored black. I hailed him with a traditional greeting. He responded by flipping his hair, rather ineffectively however as he only flipped even more hair before his eyes, and gave a smug “rawr” before turning back around.
Based on his demeanor, I could tell he could be trouble. I made a mental note to tell Bob about it, hoping she could see to the matter. After all, with the ongoing war between the Virginians and the St. Louisans, the Lords of Edge were beginning to align with the St. Louisans, thus meaning trouble to find one of their own within my city. I also questioned still why this man was there. The face that I could see through his dirty hair was so familiar, yet I knew I had never seen it before. He was trouble, and I knew it.
I continued my patrol, however, and caught up with each guard post to make sure our defenses were still strong. If there was to be trouble, I wanted to make sure we were ready for it. As I neared the main gate though, some woman ran up to me, flailing her arms and screaming, bloody rags in her hands.
“Help! Help! I’ve been attacked!”
“Calm now, you're safe. What happened?” I asked, concerned.
“Sire, there were bandits! On the road! The eastern road! They took me coin! And me ale!”
“By Lord G-Daddy, no citizen should ever be denied their ale! I will see to this matter at once!”
I immediately drew my sword and launched Eugine at full gallop outside the main gate and along the eastern road. No bandits would take any more coin or liquor from the citizens of San Diego! I also aimed to find the source of these bandit attacks, surely they were coming from somewhere. The amount of bandits lately had been rising and they were getting closer and closer to the city; mere bandits wouldn’t be so bold. There must have been something bigger…
As I rode along the eastern road, an arrow impacted my gambeson, barely piercing through and nicking my arm. Instantly I drew my sword and dismounted Eugine, taking cover under my shield.
“Stop right there criminal scum! If you are mere common bandits, then tremble. But if you are more, also tremble for I mean to harm you!” I shouted in the direction the arrow came.
“Hand over your coin and valuables and there’ll be no harm!”
“Did you just listen to me? There will be harm, as I intend to harm you!”
“Well, that’s not very sporting,” said a bandit as he rose out of a comically small bush with a large poleaxe. Where the basement had he been keeping that? I immediately regretted my decision to only bring a simple arming sword and looked around to my companions for help.
The two guards I had brought along carried bows and immediately shot the bandit, who fell dead immediately. As his corpse hit the ground, three other bandits rose out of bushes, equally armed, and I rushed over to the dead bandit to grab his poleaxe. As I wielded my new weapon, the other three bandits surrounded me, all in full plate armor. My previous theories of some larger conspiracy were proven right, seeing how well equipped they were. No rag tag group of common thugs could possibly possess such gear. Some manner of cartel was operating near or in my city, and it was my responsibility to clear it out.
As arrows from my soldiers impacted their armor, only deflecting or slightly penetrating the thick steel, the two guards accompanying me stopped accompanying me and ran off, leaving me alone with the bandits.
“Drop your weapons or I will be forced to harm you!” I shouted, trying to scare them off.
“You’re outmatched, say your prayers!” one bandit said as he lunged with his halberd, trying his best to impale me. I dodged to the side and hit his head with the blunt end of my poleaxe, knocking him unconscious immediately.
“You move like a pregnant cow!” another shouted as he swung his polearm, narrowly missing my face as I brought my weapon’s haft up to block it. Feeling him pull back with his halberd’s hook, I stepped forward with him, hitting his head with the end of my shaft and then pushing against his neck. I locked my leg behind his and threw him to the ground, using the chance to stab him through the eyeslit of his helmet.
As I withdrew my poleaxe, I felt the other’s halberd impact my side, the blade barely slicing through my gambeson. I quickly turned and knocked aside her weapon, retreating slightly to better assert her position. She thrust her poleaxe forward and I swiped it aside, following it up with a knock to her chin, also incapacitating her as she fell to the ground disarmed.
After I made sure she and the first were dead, I inspected their bodies for some kind of evidence as to their organization. All I found however were bags of coin and an amulet with some kind of symbol on it: a kite shield with a cross on top and a circle in the center. On the back were magical runes, misunderstood by me. If I had known the word, I could have spoken a few words to cast the spell imbibed. With only confusion though, I made way back into the city.
As I entered, Bob ran up to me, her horse trotting behind and looking extraordinarily disgruntled, “Sire! Are you alright? Your guard came to me and told of how four well armored and armed bandits assaulted you! What became of them?”
“I defeated them."
"Good work, Sire. You sure showed those bandits a thing or two,” Bob said, congratulating me by slapping her face then her knee, a common expression in the Virginian empire.
“I hope so. They are beginning to become a pain. There will be more I believe however; these bandits are no mere bandits. I found this upon them. I suspect it is the crest of some criminal organization,” I said to Bob, handing her the amulet I had found.
Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.
“I’ve seen this symbol before… It has been marked in several places throughout the city.”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
“Then Bob, you must investigate this matter. I believe it will solve the bandit problem we’ve been having. San Diego will not rest peacefully until they are taken care of.”
“Yes, my sire.” Bob stood and gave a traditional hail, then sauntered away to her guards to hopefully begin her search for these bandits.
⧫
The next morning as I sat in my study, the main gate’s bells began to ring. Curious, I peered out the window only to spot the citizens exiting the streets and hurrying inside their homes.
“Sire, there’s an invading force! They’re in full plate armor!” said Bob, rushing into the room again.
“Plate armor? What about bowl armor? How many?”
"I couldn't tell, a few hundred by my best guess!"
"That many? Our defenses won't last long. What's their progress on the main gate?"
"The main guard has been sent out but it's too late to raise the drawbridge. They were close to battering down the gate!"
"Lord G-Daddy help us… Get the secondary guard up to the battlements, and find Balfid; tell them to bring my plate armor and my poleaxe. If this city is to be taken, it'll be over my dead body!" I said, launching myself from my position and hurrying outside of the door.
However, as soon as I left, I realized my dramatic exit was pointless as I still had to await Balfid to bring my armor. I awkwardly shuffled around Bob as I re-entered the room, and after a few muffled pardons, sat at my desk again. Now rather bored, I tapped a small rhythm with my fingers. By the time Balfid arrived, I had fully crafted a bopping tune and was using my quills to make a sick beat, singing a wordless melody and dancing along.
"Sire, erm, your armor…" Balfid interrupted to which I promptly stood and turned, quite embarrassed.
"Ah, Balfid… Um hello! Do you have an update on the defense?" I asked as I began to undress and put on a light layer of gambeson.
"They've breached the outer walls. The main guard has retreated to the castle and the enemy is almost near the gates last I heard."
"Then we should be swift. Why? Why would someone wish to attack us? San Diego has always practiced openness and kindness. We have even remained neutral in the war despite the King's wishes. The King! I have denied his requests and undermined his own authority in an effort to keep us in peace, yet still we face this enemy! Why, dammit?! Why Balfid, why?!"
"I don't know Sire, but please stop animating your arms like so, it is difficult to put on your armor."
"Oh yes, I apologize."
Balfid finally finished strapping on my armor and turned me around to look at their work, adjusting some straps and making sure everything fit just right.
"You look ready for your first day at school, now let's get to the walls," they said, handing my axe and sword to me.
"Daddy save us all."
⧫
My soldiers on the battlements were tense, waiting for the invading force to approach the wall. For some reason, it had avoided the most direct approach and was hidden inside the town, obscured by buildings. People stood aside the crenels, person catchers, various pole arms, and bows in hand, all waiting for the enemy's next move. But just as the silence became unbearable, we heard the enemy from inside the city.
"People! You all are like family to me! And even though I know very few of you, I know you all are armed with pretty heavy armor and some pretty good weapons! Now, let's go and attack this castle! Wooot! Go team! We can do it if we work together! Teamwork, yeah!"
Hundreds of voices cheered in the distance and then went silent again, causing my people and myself to tense up even more. This silence lasted for a few more moments until we heard footsteps, all marching towards us at once. After mere seconds, the full force finally revealed themselves as near a thousand soldiers flooded the streets leading up to the castle walls, bearing ladders and other siege equipment. My troops immediately opened fire with their bows, and arrows rained down on the enemy. However, they only bounced off and fell before the well-armored force as they continued to approach the wall.
Several ladders were soon erected and the enemy began their ascent, my soldiers throwing rocks while pouring tar through the machicolations, trying anything to stop the army. As several enemy soldiers reached the tops of their ladders, my guard tried to repel them with spears and hammers, shouting all the while.
I watched as more enemy crawled up the ladder erected nearest to me, more of my people stabbing and shouting at them. We were quickly defeated as the foes scaled and stood on the wall, facing almost no resistance as their weapons cut straight into my defenders’ armor.
One man turned to me, raising his spear in a higher defensive position. “I thought I heard something!” he said as he lunged forward, thrusting his spear at me. I deflected it and grabbed on, pulled him closer, then threw him down and bashed his helmet in with the blunt side of my axe.
"Die fetcher! I'll skin you alive!"
I felt a bash to my arm and turned to see another fellow attempting to hit me with their poleaxe. Using the haft of my weapon, I knocked their blow out of the way then attempted to thrust the end into their face. They quickly counteracted by deflecting my thrust, knocking the bottom of my haft down. From that position, they attempted to swing at me again, but they were met with another parry, locking our axe heads together. I twisted my weapon around and thrust it straight into their eye socket, pulling it out and bringing the blunt end down on an opponent to my rear.
Although I was holding my own, my soldiers weren’t and I could see them dying all across the wall. As I fell another enemy, I saw Bob fighting her way through to me, bashing others with a mace and shield.
“Sire! More entered through the postern! We’ve been routed! There’s no escape! We need to get you out of here!”
“What?! I will not abandon my people! If they want this castle, they will have to kill me!”
“No! If you command our troops to surrender and you make your escape, we can come back, retake the castle, have some chance at victory! If all we do is fight now, there will only be death!”
“How do you suggest we escape?”
“I ordered Balfid to bring you some rope. I’ll try to hold them off while you escape and then command the soldiers to surrender. It’s the only way! Now go!” she shouted as I turned to see Balfid running towards me.
She began tying the rope around one of the merlons as I continued fighting, joining Bob as she tried to defend against the large enemy horde. It was fruitless however as I saw the last few people in my sight fall to the soldiers.
“Go! I’ll hold them off Sire!” Bob commanded as she swung wildly at a woman next to her. She was quickly outmaneuvered however as a halberd met her neck and sliced it nearly off.
I screamed as I rushed in and finished off the enemy, looking at Bob’s corpse. She had always been there for me, and her death felt like a dream.
“Sire! We need to go!” Balfid said behind me.
Tears filling my eyes, I turned and followed Balfid down the rope, rappelling down as I heard the enemy atop shout. They were looking for me.
Upon hitting the ground, Balfid shot an arrow at the rope and cut it loose from the top, also catching the arrow as it fell back down. I had forgotten how good an archer they were.
“Balfid… They got her…”
“I know Sire, it saddens me as well, but we must keep moving! We’re sitting ducks here!”
“I will find whoever took my castle and say a few choice words to them. I’ll call them stupid a—and insult their mother! Call them a virgin weeb!”
“That’s all very good Sire, but we need to move!”
“Yes, of course.”
The two of us ran to the village stable, hoping to find some horses to escape on. Upon reaching them was an older man, smoking a pipe and humming an incoherent song.
“Sire? Out here? In my shoppe? Oh glorious day! May the ground you walk quake as you pass!”
“Thank you. I am in need of two horses.”
“What for Sire? Something to do with the castle? Hey, I saw some soldiers marching in a few hours ago, does it have something to do with them?”
“Wait, you saw them? The leader, what did he look like?”
“Well, the man up front had some long black hair with loose curls, looked like he’d painted something around his eyes, had a zit located exactly two and an eighth centimeters right of his mouth at an angle of twenty two degrees from the end, his nose was a little crooked, maybe say a fifth of a degree off center, his eyes were a deep brown, I'd say code #5E481E, his eyebrows were thick, not too thick though, I’d guess about six hundred and twelve hairs for each brow, he had sort of short eyelashes, a cleft chin that stuck out a little, his cheeks were rather concave, a very slim man, I’d guess he weighed around fifty eight kilos. He was about one fifty, or sixty centimeters tall, his ears were rather large and he had some pretty pronounced cheekBONEs.”
“Good, can you tell me if he wore a black tabard with a red crest?” I asked the man.
“Hmmm… Ya know, I can’t seem to remember…”
“Are you sure?”
“Yep.”
“Damn. Anyways, horses?”
“Oh you can take them Sire, I would be honored for my steeds to be ridden by your dukeness!”
“Thank you sir. Your boon will not be forgotten.”
Balfid and I rode off into the high sun, not in any particular direction, just trying to gain as much distance from San Diego as possible. What had I done? Abandoning my people? My city? What fool was I to let down the people who so trusted me to keep them safe?
“Balfid,” I said, saddened. “What have I done? Abandoning my people? My city? What fool am I to let down the people who so trusted me to keep them safe?”
“Sire, you had no choice. We will return and you will restore your protection then. For now however, we should decide where to go. We can run for any great time, but we must ride somewhere.”
“True. Let us head to Ohio. The King may perhaps give aid.”
“Good idea Sire.”
⧫
We rode for what felt like hours until the sun finally began to set, the road becoming more and more difficult to see. We decided to set up camp for the night, Balfid going out to gather wood and I hunting for food.
“Balfid. Who do you think that man was?” I asked as I roasted a rabbit over the fire.
“Which man do you speak of Sire?”
“The one the stable man spoke of? What would he have against me?”
“I do not know Sire.”
“Please, stop calling me Sire. I am no Duke: I have no castle, no city, I am nothing.”
“No you are not. If you had remained you also would have been killed. The only way to save San Diego is to get help from others. Stop beating yourself up over it.”
“I am sorry… It just… It is ironic how by running away I intend to save the city.”
“I know you hate running, and so does everyone else who knows you. You have nothing to fear. You are running to protect those you care for, not running away. Running away is outside your character.”
“Agh!” I shouted as I ran away, fearful of some noise in the forest.
“Sire! ‘Tis only an animal!”
“Oh, yes Balfid, I apologize,” I replied, sitting back down. “I just hope the King will send aid when we reach the city tomorrow.”