The documents we had obtained were impressively informative. With a bottle of mead and tankards to go around, the four of us each grabbed a few papers to study. Each time we found something we'd reconvene and discover another insidious plan of theirs.

"It says here they are going to explore magical applications for sexual pleasure," Rose read from her stack of paper.

"Minor concern, and maybe even beneficial. I found a plan to get funding by stealing school childrens' lunch money. Horrible," Cole shook their head in disbelief.

"Ooo, I've got something! They're holed up at a fort."

"A fort? Sounds interesting Kalbir," I observed.

"Oh wait, they're just trying to make dogs look cuter."

"Ridiculous! Dogs cannot possibly become cuter than they already are!"

"Actually Morty—" Rose started, peering over Kalbir’s shoulder.

"Don't call me that."

"Um, sir Dukiness of holy Lordness Mortemer, look at this drawing."

How could a pathetic drawing improve on the already perfectly adorable dog? Shaking my head, I leaned over to see an academic diagram, notes scrawled describing the spells used and tested. I was wrong. My BONES shivered and I did a double take; the dog in the diagram was in fact, the cutest dog I'd ever seen!

We all let out a simultaneous "awww!" and nodded in agreement. That project of theirs was too important to stop.

"This isn't helping. We have a bunch of disconnected plans and orders, but none of them tell us what their main plans are. They're brewing something big, how the basement do magical dildos and the cutest dogs EVER connect?!"

"Let's just keep looking. If we don't find anything, let's deal with these smaller issues first. That one about the miners, that sounded serious. Any more details?"

"Yeah, a report says they've forced out a mining village and are now using the mine to gather ‘research,’" Kalbir read.

"That does sound bad. Where is it?" Rose worried.

"It's in St. Louis, a bit southwest of here. We could get there in a day if we're quick."

"Let's get a night's rest and head out tomorrow morning then."

I dramatically stood up and cloaked myself as dramatically as possible, the fabric fluttering through the air and accidentally knocking over someone's very full beer stein.

"Oop, I'm sorry," I said to the gigantic person. They let out a growl and a scowl, their eyes burning into me. Literally, they had cast a spell or something and it felt like irons were on my face.

"Ye spill't me drink! I'll have yer head!"

They arose from the chair and arose over me, rising even further to the ceiling where they had to bend their neck. Their muscles were bulging and covered in hair, the only clothes they wore protecting their enormous bosoms and even more enormous bulge that stood right in my face. Who had I angered? Were they a god?

"I'm so sorry! I promise I'll buy you another drink, no, two!"

"Ah, okie."

They sat back down with a smile, eating their bread and cheese while I scrambled to the bartender to buy new drinks. My worries weren't resolved however, as when I turned back, I witnessed Cole put on their own cloak. Of course I was quite dramatic, but the flair and aptitude Cole had could have only been enhanced by magic. They even did a spin and everything!

There were sparkles, magical flowers, an unassuming black void cascading around them; I couldn't tear my eyes away and I knew my cloak game was beaten by kilometers. Everyone in the inn was looking at Cole and they knew, barely meeting eyes with someone before looking away to smirk confidently. They knew they were the shit, and indeed they were. After all, how could they be a master reader if they didn't have a glamorously theatrical persona?

Rose and Kalbir also looked impressed and didn't even try their own dramatic cloaking, much to my disappointment. I was made even more envious though as Cole mounted their horse, launching themself twenty meters in the air and doing countless flips and aerial tricks. Afterwards they descended right onto the saddle, gently and with hardly a ruckus. Meanwhile I had neither the magic or stamina to do the same, so my clamber onto Eugine V2 was elegant yet innocuous. My worst nightmare.

I made sure to give Cole an encouraging "Yeah! You did it! Great job pal! Cool tricks sib! Do a kickflip!" and they blushed in return, motioning with their hand as if to lessen my compliments; they were humble as well. They also did a kickflip with their horse, a joking request I had never expected them to perform, but they did it anyway. They performed a horse kickflip. How could anyone top that?

⧫

Just outside the town of Goorgashalogahunt, we made camp on a small side road. The St. Louisan border was safe between Mikoril; much different than the Virginian border. Cole's magic was a lifesaver, or a camp saver one could say. A magical flame billowed without smoke and fuel, hovering above the grass so as not to harm it. Emberry the Hare would be proud. The campsite was settled before, which was obvious by the many rusted beer cans littered through the grass. Flare the Hare would not be proud. There are several wilderness safety hares, thus all the names.

It was an easy clean however, and an easier setup; magical tents assembled themselves as Cole introduced their "glamping" scroll. Although shoddy from the outside, the tents were fully furnished with a fancy parquet wood flooring and textured silk walls, bookshelves, and full sleeping quarters occupying the space nicely. Magical gadgets kept the air inside regulated and at a cool temp, along with running water, a television (whatever that is), and a brand new PS5. I still didn't know what glamping was, but I was definitely getting used to it.

"I still don't understand why he didn't come with us," Rose cried after we settled down. She had been taking what happened with her brother hard.

"I'm sorry, Rose. I didn't know your brother well, but he always talked about you. Although the two of you are apart, your bond can never be broken."

"Mortemer, I was talking about that cat we rode past. I gave him salmon and he still didn't get on my horse. But wow, thanks for bringing up my brother Mortemer! I'm so happy to be thinking about him again!"

"I apologize, I didn't mean to make you think about that."

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

"It's fine. What's done is done. It's just after so long, he couldn't even try to spend time with me. He just bailed. He knows I struggle with people abandoning me, and this is the second time he’s done it now. It's like if I'm ever doing my own thing that's where his help ends, just like when I was happy with Eli and he made us leave. If I stay with him, help him with scores though, he's my best bro. Now I’m doing something on my own again and he leaves again. I bet you if I was still in Ohio and told him to steal for me he would have jumped to help no questions asked. But now I find something meaningful and he's not here? Especially after I’m the one who broke him out."

"I know I can't help with your brother, but would a hug make you feel better?" Kalbir asked, laying her hand on Rose's shoulder.

Rose silently nodded and embraced Kalbir before breaking into tears. Cole and I both rushed to join in the hug. Our warmth and smiles filled the air, and Rose's crying ceased.

"Yeah! Friendship!" I shouted, throwing my fist in the air with a youthful energy.

They all shouted "Yay friendship!" back and we leapt into the air, Cole reading a spell to freeze us off the ground in our jovial positions. We were in the sky too long though, and became awkward as we side-eyed Cole to see if they would stop the spell soon. They maintained their pose and smile though, completely oblivious to our increasingly frequent looks.

"Uh Cole? Can you let us down?" Rose finally demanded, to our relief.

"Oh, sorry."

"Kalbir, you're good at hugs."

"I-I helped!" I butted in. Cole grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back in an effort to keep me silent.

"Thanks! I read a hugging guide book three years ago!"

"Did you learn everything from a book?"

"Yep! Even how to socialize! Acrobir oftentimes grow up away from our families, just a cultural thing. We know how to speak and move from the get go, along with some basic survival instincts, but beyond that acrobir don't really have family or others to raise them. We raise ourselves. I lucked out by even knowing my parents, but I left at a young age."

"Wow, that's really tough. Luckily you didn't need anyone though. You're the smartest person I've ever met."

"Ha, thanks! If I wasn't, I don't know how I would justify all the research I've done."

Kalbir looked away in bashfulness, rubbing her head fringe nervously. Her tail whipped around ecstatically, a clear tell of her emotions. I consulted my acrobir tail wag chart, and made a shocking discovery; Kalbir's favorite color is pastel yellow?! That had to be wrong, so I re-read the guide more carefully. SHE HAD A CRUSH ON ROSE?! I never would have noticed without the strangely specific guide given my difficulty interpreting signals.

It was a total shock to my system. They were of course a cute couple, but aside from Kalbir's tail I would’ve had no clue. Even then as I watched Rose and Kalbir stare into each other's eyes longer than any friend should, and fidget nervously and blush, and gently, lovingly caress each other’s faces, it was hard to believe.

"Cole, I think Kalbir likes Rose!" I whispered in excitement, nudging them.

"I know. It's really obvious. They're cute together."

"How did you know?!"

Cole said nothing and just looked at me with a face that said "really?"

"I'm not good at recognizing those signs. Perhaps that is why my only relationship didn't work out."

"You had a relationship? What happened?"

"Well, I was the newly appointed Duke and all attention was on me. Guys gals and pals showered me with relentless praise, some of it... sexually suggestive. I saw one person and ze stood out of the crowd. Ze was the only person who wasn't screaming compliments at me, and I was intrigued. I sought zir out immediately after the festival and ze was truly neutral. I thought I was in love, zir first words to me were 'Aren't you the guy from the parade? Who even are you anyways? I have no strong opinions on you one way or the other, a truly neutral view.' and I melted! Finally there was someone who had no radical opinions about me! A fresh start! I asked zir if ze had interest in being my betrothed and ze said 'I am neither interested nor repulsed by you. I would be content and nothing more to bear that title.' and so we were together! It was a ruse however, for although I hated being showered in endless praise and song, I received naught from zir. Our sex life was nonexistent for neither of us had any interest, and eventually ze said ‘bye’ and we parted ways forever."

"Wow, that's a story. I feel your plight, the whims of love and hormones are truly uncertain."

"Have you experienced those whims?"

"Yes. A lot. I have a few people I'm sweet on, but part of being a master reader is being instantly fuckable to anyone around you. Therefore, it is only natural I reap the benefits from my time and work. I put a lot of effort into self posturing and my magic. I assume you saw that endless void trick I did at the inn? Everyone falls for that one."

"Yes, I admit I'm quite jealous of the acts you can pull off. A horse kickflip? That's impressive."

"Oh that? I didn't even use magic on that one."

They smirked and took a sip of mead, smiling into the magical fire while Rose and Kalbir chattered away on their own. Cole was surprisingly open for seeming so mysteriously serious. Everything about them was captivating and their prestige was never diminished through their mundane actions. Every small movement, every detail was just that little bit more charming to make even eating bread draw envy from others; that I had experienced personally. Even as they simply sat and sipped mead it was a glamorous affair, and I felt honored to be beside them.

⧫

The next day we arrived in the small mining village; Doolhasofargusdahoogabonk, a traditional St. Louisan town name. Although there was no sun coming through the clouds, I kept a squint as to look more intimidating. I could never look as intimidating as Cole however, who had conjured a dank mist to slowly seep from their robe. Rose donned spikes on her armor and Kalbir simply had a really big sword. We looked like a team about to fuck some shit up.

"Who," a man said as he walked to our squad, "are you? They're not on the list commander, what should we do?"

A tall, really buff woman looked up confused, staring at us as if we had worn a skirt into Walmart. She slowly walked over, hand on her sword in preparation for anything.

"Good point, who are you fellas?"

"I am Lord Mortemer of Kansas, the Great Masochist, Duke of San Diego. I am here with my team to restore this village to its proper owners! You cannot force people out of their homes without consequence, and that's us. Uh, the consequence, that is."

"Lord Mortemer? I heard about you. Thought you were supposed to be in prison. I'm Lord Leggate Legs. Look, I don't want to fight another Lord, why don't you join me for some chocolate milk so we can talk this through?"

"Okay. I accept your chocolate milk offer. Let's talk."

She gave a nod and guided me into the nearby tavern, shooting the bar keep the classic chocolate milk hand signal.

"Look, I don't know how you all found out about this place, but it's dangerous. This puts me in a rough position of asking for your help."

"Help? I thought you would want us dead. How is this town dangerous?"

"It's not the town; it's the mine. We got fucked over with this one, I won't lie. The town was evacuated due to a dangerous magical anomaly in the mine, and we were sent to investigate. Only, it's far more dangerous than I could have hoped. We were supposed to bring it back, but instead, half my soldiers are dead and even the reinforcements couldn't make it here. You're a Lord, you've got the combat experience of fifty of these runts. And Cole, I've heard about you in Dolrin. Your magic is unparalleled, we could use you. This is against my orders no doubt, but nobody else is dying here today. Lords are built to help."

"And here I thought the Lords of Edge were cruel. I'll help, how about the rest of you?"

Everyone gave a solid yes and a solid nod.

"The Lords of Edge aren't so bad as you've heard. They're decent folk. A bad apple doesn't make a bad tree."

"What kind of resistance are you facing in the mine?"

"It's ancient magic, that's for sure. There are undead, giant spiders, spirits, lychees, bears, rabid housecats, a pool of peer pressuring fish with three cubic tons of cocaine—don't take any, it's not good cocaine, goblins, hobgoblins, and a guy named Garrett who's tripping balls on the fish's cocaine. It's chaos down there. The only strategy I have is whack 'em with metal until they're dead. I lost a lover to those fish, and they were one of the few who could handle me."

“With the four of us, they should be no problem. We’re happy to help you, Lord Legs,” I nodded.

"I need to pick out which scrolls to bring," Cole said, exiting the room.

"Okay,” Lord Legs smiled, “The rest of you check your gear. We move in twenty."