Inside the Students’ Union Bar, it is a few minutes past ten in the night. Behind the counter, Jones is busy cleaning some glass cups. Two students are drinking at a table, conversing in low tones. Soft music plays. Enter Professor Fayemi.
JONES: Good evening, Prof.
PROF: Evening, Jones.
JONES: Wetin you go drink, sir?
PROF: A bottle of Star lager, please.
JONES: Just a minute, sir.
(The professor sits at an unoccupied table facing the audience. Jones serves him.)
PROF.: Thank you, Jones.
JONES: A pleasure, Prof.
(Jones withdraws behind the counter. Prof pours some beer into his glass cup and drinks.)
PROF: (Belches.) Aaah! There's nothing like cold beer to drown away the sorrows of the soul and hide it away till the vestiges of the liquor have been swept over the door step of the brain. Then will the sorrow return to plague the soul with greater intensity. But for the present, perfect bliss.
(The Prof continues to drink silently. The two students get up to go.)
FIRST STUDENT: Jones, how much do we owe you?
JONES: Fifty naira only.
FIRST STUDENT: (Falls back into his chair.) JESUS!
SECOND STUDENT: Look here, Jones. We've no such amount with us right now. We' II pay you forty bucks now and bring the rest tomorrow.
JONES: (Points to the poster pasted on the wall behind him.) Sorry, ma friends. “No
credit today, come tomorrow."
SECOND STUDENT: Come on, Jones, that's no way to treat good customers like us.
JONES: (Angrily) And who tell you say you be good customers, eh? If ever a pair of good-for-nothing, useless, foolish. koboless and kobo-begging beggars dey this we world pass you two, ah go fly to the moon on a battle of White Horse.
FIRST STUDENT: Softly! Softly! Your words sure betray something close to drunkenness. (Turns to his friend.) Hey, Old boy, don’t you think Jones has been drinking some of his beer on credit?
SECOND STUDENT: No harm in it, I'll say. It will make him stupider and easier to dupe.
JONES: God punish you for saying ah drunk. Just give me the forty naira and carry your corpses out of ma sight.
FIRST STUDENT: What a boy! O Jones, thou art the most benevolent Jones of all the Joneses and Jonesses in the world. And your mouth belches forth clouds of pure love and undiluted understanding, though this cloud is sometimes tinged with the smell of stale beer.
SECOND STUDENT: O boy! What a poetry of language. (Both laugh.)
FIRST STUDENT: It's not poetry of language, but language of poetry: a wicked inversion due to ignorance.
SECOND STUDENT: Sure, boy, there is nothing like a draught of beer to get the poetry flowing out of the system. Absolutely Shakespearean! (Laughter again)
FIRST STUDENT: Hey, boy, you too did a course in literature? That sounds absolutely poetic!
SECOND STUDENT: Sure, boy. Did a literature course last semester, Lit 101, I think.
FIRST STUDENT: Oh, the glorious Lit 101. (With sudden vehemence) SHIT! Nothing like the course unit system in the whole world! Such an efficient time-wasting exercise!
SECOND STUDENT: You hate am, too?
FIRST STUDENT: Abi you like am?
SECOND STUDENT: I will cut my throat first! (Laughter again.)
JONES: Alright, you, clowns, bring the forty naira and get out of ma bar if you wan cut throat.
FIRST student: Okay, here is your chop-money, Jones. See you tomorrow.
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(Gives thirty naira.)
JONES: Hey! You guys! This na only thirty bucks.
SECOND STUDENT: Receive it in the Christian spirit, old boy. Abi you no be Christian again? What does your Bible say concerning wealth?
JONES: Ma Bible no enter this matter, you debtor?
SECOND STUDENT: My own Bible says lay up treasure for yourself in heaven where no thief breaks in and moth destroys,
JONES: Get out! NICOMPOO!
BOTH STUDENTS: Eeeeeboo! Mister grammaticatontology. I beg o. make you no pull down the bar with your gammacious grammar!
(Exit both students still laughing.)
JONES: Foolish fools! I never see a pair of shameless debtors all ma life.
(Jones goes back to the counter. Enter Dr. Latunji.)
LATUNJI: Hello. Jones, Old Sport.
JONES: (Huffy) Evening, sir.
LATUNJI: A bottle of beer, Old Sport.
JONES: Not until you pay me for the one wey you drink yesterday, and the one you drink day before yesterday, and the day before before!
LATUNJI: Come on, Jones. Let's have the beer or else I shall persuade the Vice Chancellor to persuade the Security Officer to persuade you out of your present persuasion, which is the selling of beer five times above the amount stipulated by the Price Control Board - of blessed memory!
JONES: Alright O. Just take your stupid bottle of beer
LATUNJI: A pleasure, Jones. (Takes the bottle.)
JONES: (Looking at the poster behind him.) At this rate of ma credit, ah wonder if ah no go pack up before Christmas.
LATUNJI: No cause for alarm, Jones. There’s always vacancy at the maintenance yard for daily-paid workers.
JONES: Shit!
(Latunji moves towards the table occupied by the Prof.)
LATUNJI: Hello, Prof.!
PROF.: How do do, Lat?
LATUNJI: How do do, Prof. Mind if in I join you?
PROF.: No, please.
(Latunji sits opposite the Prof. He pours some beer into his glass and gulps it down.)
LATUNJI: Hey, Prof, you’re looking kind of tragic. Any troubles?
PROF.: Eh, the usual one.
LATUNJI: The wife again?
PROF.: Afraid so.
LATUNJI: And so because you have a non-productive wife you can’t enjoy a bottle of beer without doleful thoughts? If I were you, I'd forget my wife and have some fun.
PROF.: Fun? What do you mean, Lat?
LATUNJI: Are you telling me you don't know the meaning of fun, Prof.? F. U. N, Fun. Get?
PROF: I know the denotative meaning of fun, but not the connotative one that you are alluding to.
LATUNJI: In plain language, it means woman.
PROF: Woman.
LATUNJI: Yes, Prof., woman. If I were you I'd take a young Susie to my heart and forget all about my wife.
PROF: A young Susie? Where will I get one at this age of mine?
LATUNJI: Wonders will never cease! O for the sweet language of poetry to charm down a beautiful girl from the sky! You surprise me greatly. Prof. Look round you. I say sphere your eyes round the campus whole. See you not the hundreds of female undergraduates begging to be laid? Come, Prof., worry not about your balding head and the greying beards. You may be old in body, but you are young at heart. And that is all that matters.
PROF: But Lat, what if I am caught in the act?
LATUNJ1: Worry not about that, Prof. In fact, it is in the fear of discovery lies the crux of enjoyment. All the effort that it requires is a shaded garden of Eden, a few meaningless "1 love you", and a very healthy spade to dig inside the grave.
PROF: But who do I approach? I know not a single girl who is that way inclined.
LATUNJ1: The girl matters little. Women are all alike, fragile, senseless beauties to be dazzled by wealth and broken by degrees. The greater the number of degrees, the more the number of women you'll possess; and the amount of love you’ll receive will correspond to the weight of your purse! Women are nothing but fragile things to be dazzled with wealth and broken by titles. Such is the nature of women, me dear professor!
PROF: Well, I thank you for your very illuminating lecture. But I still maintain that I know not any one girl who is that way inclined.
LATUNJ1: Prof.! Alright, I'll suggest a paragon to you this very minute. Do you know a girl called Elizabeth?
PROF: Elizabeth what?
LATUNJI: Well, I don't know her surname. But you should. She is in your department. A beautiful, charming girl, perhaps the only beauty in the whole of your arid department!
PROF: (Thinks for a while) Oh, you mean Elizabeth Owojori.
LATUNJI: That's her name. Don't you agree she is a beauty?
PROF: Of course! But I fear...
LATUNJI: There’s nothing to fear, Prof. After all, you are her lecturer and also the head of department. If she refuses to yield the treasures of her body to you, all you need do is threaten her with failure in the coming examination. I can bet my life that she'll fall flat on her back at once!
PROF: Hmn! Why didn’t I think of that before?
LATUNJI: Because you were too busy moaning over your barren wife. Prof., the world is too beautiful and full of enchanting delights for a man to be unhappy.
PROF: But if my wife should discover...
LATUNJI: Worry not about your wife, she won't. And if you’re afraid, I'll help you hold her hands while you are busy in the Garden of Eden. I could even help you keep her warm so that she won't feel this terrible harmattan cold!
PROF: That won't be necessary! (Both laugh) Well, Lat, I better get going now.
LATUNJI: Alright, Prof., I'II accompany you till we reach the science block. Then I'll go in search of more fun. (Exit Both )
JONES: Oh, God. Like lecturer like students. If ah continue at this rate of ma credit, ah go go bankrupt before Christmas
LATUNJI: (Pokes his head in.) I told you before, Jones. There is always vacancy at the Maintenance Yard for daily-paid workers. (Exit Latunji.)
JONES: God punish you, Doctor Debtor. Na your own son go be daily-paid. NICOMPOO!