“What?” Mil’Grash, stopped and took me by the shoulders, looking me square in the eye, “What do you mean, ‘Oh, shit.’?”

“Well… do you know how many religions are on my planet?” I asked fearfully.

“...no. No, I do not.” Her worried frown grew larger.

“Well. At last estimate, there were over ten thousand different distinct religions on Earth. And several of them have multiple gods. Some as many as a thousand, but most of those are seen as aspects of a singular entity.”

Her head dropped, and she stared at the floor, beginning to hyperventilate. “Ten…thousand. And how many do you believe in?”

“Me? Well, I follow the Norse pantheon, so…” I counted quickly on my fingers. “There are twelve main gods and goddesses, but there are four to six that are venerated most often.”

“Okay. That isn’t as bad.” Her breathing slowed to a more normal rate.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Well, the Hall of The Gods is finite in size. Capable of holding around two hundred deities in council. Anything more than that, and there could be…trouble.”

“Well, let’s just hope that all that showed up are the ones I’m expecting.”

“We can but hope.”

We made our way to the Hall, where a large iron door stood, closed and padlocked.

“They’re in there? Locked in?”

“Oh, no. You cannot contain a god. That’s to keep certain people out. You should be able to unlock that door with literally any key you have on you,” she said with a smirk.

“Okay. Weird.” I fished my house key out of my pocket, and stuck it in the lock, and lo and behold, it turned. “Well, if that ain’t the damndest thing. Huh.” I opened the door, and appeared to be in my living room, again. “What the…”

“Oh, hey. You’re here!” An oddly familiar voice rang out from the kitchen, followed by a man with shoulder-length brown hair, piercing green eyes, and a wide smile. He was wearing an apron, and drying off his hands. “About time we meet in the flesh, so to speak. I’m Freyr.”

“Holy shit.”

He laughed, and gripped me in a warm hug. “Ah, but it’s good to meet you. Come, I have bread.”

“Yes, sir. I am a bit hungry. Bel’chazz ate all my jambalaya.”

“Ha! Fucking kobolds, man. Eat you out of house and home, they will. Here, it’s honeyed rye.” He handed me a small loaf of dark, sweet-smelling bread, and I began to salivate uncontrollably. I bit into the warm, moist loaf, and my knees sagged in pleasure. It was the best bread I’d ever tasted! “Oh, gods. You’ll have to teach me how to make this, Freyr. This is amazing.”

“Absolutely, Son! I’d be more than happy to teach you anything I can.”

Mil’Grash politely cleared her throat. “Sir, I hate to interrupt, but we are on a schedule.”

“Oh, shit. I forgot.” He cleared his throat, and placed his hands on either side of my head. “Don’t worry, Son. You won’t feel a thing. I’m just verifying you for the council. Your spirit will have a “stamp” of sorts to let them know you’re legit.”

“You keep calling me ‘Son’. Why?”

He chuckled again. “Why? Well, it’s because you took my name. You named yourself one of my children. Therefore, you’ve been adopted. Son.” He smiled and lowered his hands. “Yep. He is who he says he is.” He handed me a small figurine of a boar, which roughly matched the one on my necklace. “Here. With this, you can call on me, anytime. Even back on Earth. I may not be able to appear, but we can chat, anytime you want. Just hold it, and think of me. I’ll talk with you later, bud. You’ve got work to do. Make us proud!”

I gratefully took the figurine and stuck it in my bag. I’d have to craft a necklace for it, later. “Yes, sir!” I turned to Mil’Grash. “I think we’re ready.”

She stared at me, wide eyed. “Yes… I think so. We also have much to discuss, Ivor.”

Mil’Grash led me down the hall, through several twists and turns, and I was thoroughly lost by the end of it.

“So. It has been millennia since someone was chosen by a god who also just so happened to be named a child of said god. It should have jogged my memory, seeing as how your name was ‘Freyrsson’”.

“Is that something bad?”

“No. It’s just unusual. How many adherents does your god have on your world?”

“Freyr?” I blew a heavy breath, “Uh, probably less than ten thousand, anymore. Well, ten thousand devoted specifically to him, I mean. The Norse pantheon’s worship was driven underground for about twelve or thirteen hundred years, thanks to Christianity. Hel, most other religious beliefs were driven underground by them. There has been a resurgence of late, however, of many different pantheons and belief systems coming back to the forefront of life. We’re all just tired of being marginalized and pushed aside by them, I guess.”

“Interesting. I’ll keep that in mind, should we ever have another representative from Earth. Records must be updated, you see. Ah. Here we are. Medbay.” We had arrived at a plain, nondescript door at the end of a hallway, with no lettering or signage to differentiate it from any other door we had passed.

“This is Medbay? How can you tell? It looks like everything else.”

“I’ll explain that to you later, if I get the chance. For now, however, you need to see the medic. They’ll set you up with everything you need. I’m just a shout away, should you need me, Ivor.” Mil’Grash turned and strolled out of the room, leaving me in what looked like every other doctor’s waiting room I’d ever seen.

“Hello? Hello, is anyone there?” I craned my head around the desk, looking for anyone who might be there. Seeing nobody, I retreated to a seat, and decided to wait. “Huh. Guess they’re all out to lunch.

I had been seated for all of thirty seconds when I heard a small voice call my name from the desk area.

“Mr. Freyrsson? Please come to the desk, sir.”

I walked up to the desk, and looked around. “Um… Yes? I’m here.

“Down here, sir.”

I looked down and saw what had to be the bluest person I’d ever seen in my life. “Oh. Okaaay… I’m sorry. I’ve just never seen a blue person before.”

“It’s quite alright, sir. This is to be expected. Your species, from what we’ve been able to discover, is pretty far from most any other inhabited world in your plane of existence. I would expect you’ve had several shocks thus far.”

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“A kobold, what looked like a slender orc woman, and a literal god. Yes. I’d say my mind has been both expanded and blown.”

“And these are the only three entities you’ve come into contact with?” She began typing information onto a data pad.

“Uh, yeah. Besides my rats, anyway.”

“Rats? What are these…rats?”

I opened the flap of my pouch to reveal my two erstwhile companions, curled up around each other, sleeping soundly.

“And these are…what to you?”

“I’d guess you could call them my companions. I couldn’t leave them at home for the time I’d be here, so I brought them.”

“Are they intelligent? What purpose do they serve?”

“Well, they’re pretty clever, I’d say. And they are my companions. I get lonely sometimes, and it helps to have friends close by.”

“By clever, do you mean they can solve problems and reason through things?”

“I…guess? They learn new things fairly easily, and can find their way through mazes and stuff.”

“Very well. I will add them to the list and update your file. Their names?”

“This guy is Bailey, and the other is Byron.”

“Very good. Moving on, do you have any diseases or ailments that we should be aware of?” She tapped away at her pad.

“Um, I don’t think I currently carry any communicable diseases, but the human immune system is pretty adaptable. And our diseases on Earth are even more adaptable. You might want to run a full scan or whatever it is you do, just in case. As for ailments, I have a fair few. Arthritis, phantom aches, general soreness and stiffness, an underactive thyroid, depression, poor eyesight, I’m overweight, and possibly pre-diabetic. There’s probably a few more, but I don’t remember them all right now.”

She typed furiously for a moment, her brows knitted together in frustration. “I have one more question, of a more personal nature. May I ask it?”

“Sure. Go ahead. I’m not easily embarrassed or offended.”

“Good,” She took a deep breath and let it out. “How are you not dead? Over half the injuries ailments and ‘features’ you have would have killed ninety percent of the rest of the representatives.”

“Uh…. Humans are tough? Either that, or we’re just too stubborn to die?” I said with a grin.

“Wow. Okay. Note to self, do not visit Earth,” she typed an actual note on another pad.

“Probably a good idea. Earth, specifically Australia, is harsh to most life. Beautiful, but harsh,” I replied, a little wistful.

A tone sounded from her pad. “It looks like the doctor is ready for you. Be on your best behavior,” she said as she shook her head.

“I will. Thank you.” A door to my left opened, and I walked through it. It seemed like any other doctor’s office I’d ever been in.

“Sir? Over here, please.”

I followed the disembodied mechanical voice to a room to my right. In it were a standard exam table, a pair of seats, and a large pile of what looked like orange goo with bits of metal and circuitry floating inside. “Yes? Did someone call for me?”

“I did. You may call me ‘Doc’, just like everyone else.” A slender protrusion extended from the mass towards me, and resolved itself into a hand, approximating my own.

“Okay, Doc.” I shook the offered hand, finding it warm to the touch and surprisingly smooth and supple. Unfortunately, I squeezed too hard, and severed the hand from the “arm” it was attached to. It fell to the ground with a sloppy splattering sound. “Oh, god. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.” I covered my mouth with my left hand, disgusted.

“No worries. I’ll just” -a tendril of the goo extended towards the fallen mass, and it quickly reabsorbed it- “take it back. Benefits of being me, I suppose. Now. Let’s get you taken care of. Take a seat, we will be here for a while.”

I sat on the table, and got as comfortable as I could. What followed was three hours of what could only be called interrogation followed by the strangest physical examination I’d ever had. Doc simply slid a thin film of itself around my body, and took measurements, recorded data and assessed my health in the most intimate fashion I’d ever had.

“And now the fun part. For me, anyhow. You probably won’t like this, however. Hold still. It’s time to go inside.”

“Wait, what? Inside?? How are you going to fit inside me? Hang on ju-” Any further protests were cut short as Doc extended itself into every single orifice I possessed in just under a second.

“Huh. I see. Okay. That makes sense. What purpose does this serve? Oh, okay. Huh. More for the list.” This continued for what felt like hours, but in reality was probably only a couple of minutes. At least I was able to breathe.

After a few more mumblings, Doc retracted itself from my insides, retaining some…stuff. “Well. That was certainly educational! I do so love learning about new species! So. Where are Byron and Bailey?”

“Are you going to do the same thing to them?”

“Yes. I am. It is how I can diagnose and prepare the proper equipment. Don’t worry. I am gentle, as you just experienced.”

“Okay, then. But if anything happens to them, I’m going to go crazy. They’re my best friends.” I opened the pouch, revealing my pets.

“Ah. A different species! They are small, too. This will be even faster.” Doc once more extended itself and inserted into my companions, who slept through the entire process. “And done. I will return shortly with the equipment for the three of you.” Doc slid out of the room, and down the hall.

All three of us? What were my rats going to get? I sat in consternation over this, unsure if I shouldn’t’ve just gone to my sister’s first and dropped them off. I ruminated for a few more minutes when Doc silently rolled back in, three sets of…items contained within itself. It extended one bulbous pod towards myself.

“Now, I need you to hold very still. Otherwise, this could get messy.”

“How about I lay down and close my eyes? If I can’t see it coming, I won’t flinch.”

“A perfect idea, Ivor. I shall wait.” I lay down, shut my eyes and waited. “Open wide.” I opened my mouth as far as I could, Hoping I wouldn’t taste or feel whatever was going to happen. Doc extended itself into me once more, but this time it was bulky. Whatever it was, it made its way down my throat and into my lungs. I resisted the urge to cough as Doc left something inside. After a moment, I didn’t even notice it. “There is the filter installed, and now for the translator and connection module.” Doc withdrew itself from my mouth, and moved one of the items to my head.

“Doc, you’re going to have to open me up to get that into me. Is it going to hurt?”

“It should not. I am capable of synthesizing most known chemicals. In the event that I detect your pain receptors firing, I shall deaden them. At worst, you’ll feel a pinch. Here we go.” Doc’s appendage covered my scalp, and I did, indeed, feel a pinch, but nothing afterwards. I did hear some fantastic crunching and sizzling noises, however.

After about fifteen minutes, the weight on my head lifted, and I immediately raised my hand to my head to examine the incision. Nothing. No scar, no sutures, no staples. I gingerly tested my whole head for pain or tenderness, and felt none. I didn’t even feel numb where I’d felt the pinch.

“Well. That was the longest one, yet. Humans have a complex neural structure. And now for your friends. I’ll explain when I’m finished.” Doc fished them out of their pouch, still sound asleep, and repeated the process. It was surreal to watch the items get delivered through the odd appendages, and somewhat disturbing to watch literal brain surgery being performed on rats. The whole process took less than five minutes. “There we are. Right as rain.” Doc gently placed my rats back into their pouch, and closed and fastened the lid. “Now. What I’ve done is installed a toxin filter into your lungs that will filter out any toxins you may encounter while you are here. It will adapt to your specific physiologies, and you will not even need to think about them. You all also have a translator chip with a connection to our networks here. It should also work on your own world. It cannot be removed, so be cautious. I can replace it, but it will be a much longer process. Through this implant you will be able to speak and understand any language in our databanks, which will be downloaded onto your chip in about five minutes. The process is painless, and you won’t notice a thing. You will also be able to access your stipend account with it. There will be a manual downloaded to you momentarily.”

“Okay, hang on.”

“Yes? Is there a reason for the interruption?”

“Yeah. Are you telling me you just gave access to the entirety of your information network to me and a pair of rats?”

“Yes. Why? Do you foresee a problem?”

“Well, not for me, obviously. I’m a rational, thinking, sapient creature. My rats are…well…not.”

“I’m sorry, what? You mean to tell me I’ve installed a translation chip into a non-sapient species? A chip which contains nanites that work to alter the brain structure of the recipient in order to better integrate and understand what it is experiencing?”

“Oh shit.”

“Oh shit, indeed.” Doc leaned in closer to my pouch where my rats were stirring.