BANG BANG BANG BANG
I sprang from the sofa, startled from my light doze at the noise, chest heaving, my heartbeat sounding like thunder in my ears.
BANG BANG BANG BANG
The noise happened again, and this time, I recognized it. Someone was beating on my front door again. It had been going on for four weeks straight, and always around three AM. Being a daytime worker, I was always asleep, and never made it to the door in time. It always happened in threes, so I bolted for the door.
BANG BANG BANG -
I wrenched the door open before the fourth knock was heard, and this short figure burst into my home.
“It’s about damn time you open the damn door, asshole! I was getting sick of knocking. Now, where’s the food, I’m starving.” A gruff, deeper than would seem possible, irritated voice that sounded like it could grind paint from a fence grated across my ears. He reminded me of a very irritated Joe Pesci, just shorter.
I stood there, mouth agape, door wide open as this little man, no, this giant lizard man barged into my home, asking for food.
Without turning he said “And shut the door and your stupid mouth before flies get into one or the other.”
I dumbly shut the door and my mouth. It was early fall, after all. “What the...No, wait. Who are you, and what are you doing in my home?”
“Finally, a sensible word. I’m Bel’chazz, and I’ve been sent to bring you to The Council.” As if that explained everything. “Now where’s the food? I’ve not eaten in three days, and it’s past time.”
“Uh, on the stove is some jambalaya that I just made. Help yourself, uh…Bel’chad, was it?”
“Chazz. It’s Bel’chazz, not Bel’Chad.” He continued to grumble about humans and their sloppy grasp of language as he retrieved the warm pot and a spoon from the dish rack.
“Sorry. This is a bit of a shock. What ‘Council’ are you talking about and, I’m sorry for seeming rude, but just what are you?”
“What Council? Just whaddya mean ‘What Council?’ The Council, man! The only council that matters on this stupid plane of existence. Jeez. And, for your information, I’m a kobold. You can forget the bullshit you have in your fantasy books about us, cuz that shit just ain’t true. We may be the smallest and the ‘dumbest’ of the noble Draconics,” he said, rolling his eyes, “but we’re still pretty damn clever, if I do say so myself.” He set the pot on the table, and sat down next to it and began to devour my dinner. “Oh, wow. This is pretty good stuff. Did you make this yourself?”
Warmth flooded through me at the praise, and I smiled. I’d always enjoyed having my food praised by those who partake in it.
“Yes, actually. I think I’ve gotten the recipe right, finally. Took me about a week, but I did, yeah.” I rubbed the back of my head in embarrassment
“This is really quite delicious. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now,” I sat down next to him at the table, “Tell me about the Council. I have zero idea of what you’re talking about.”
Bel’chazz sighed, and set the spoon down. In mere moments he’d wolfed down about half of the food I’d made. “You mean to tell me that none of the letters ever got to you? None of the summons made their way to you? You’ve noticed absolutely nothing out of the ordinary in the past six months?”
I cast my mind back, replaying my scattered memories of the past few months. After a moment, I shook my head saying, “No. Nothing I could call weird or anything. Certainly nothing like a four foot kobold strolling into my home as if he owned the place.”
“Heh. Shoulda known. Damn wizards never keep their end of the bargain.” He sighed again, “Well, in short, you live on a plane that just so happens to have a nexus point where eight other planes of existence intersect, not terribly far from where we sit. The Council is made up of representatives of each plane; nine representatives each. It meets regularly, every three of your months. The time differs according to each plane, but for you, it’s about every ninety days. Matters of importance are discussed and decisions made relating to commerce and politics and all sorts of shit. I don’t get half of it. Anyway, you’ve been tagged as a rep for this plane, so we gotta get you to the office.”
“I..uh, what? Dude, I wasn’t even class president as a kid, what makes The Council think I got what it takes to do this job?”
“Heh. Council don’t pick the reps, kid. The Gods do.”
I sighed in bewilderment and annoyance and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Okay. Lemme get this straight. Gods pick the reps for the council and the reps have little say.” He nodded once, continuing to eat my damn jambalaya, “And the reps then have to find a way to this place, or get annoyed by kobolds until they go.” Another nod. “And then we have to do Council shit, or whatever. That about right?” He licked the spoon clean with his forked tongue. The bastard had eaten all of my dinner.
“Yep. That’s it. Oh, and Council members serve for life, and get a stipend in their world’s currency each month for the inconvenience.”
“Life?” Another nod.
“And a stipend?” Annoyed, he nodded again.
“How much we talkin’?”
“I dunno. All the Council members seem to be able to live comfortably in their own worlds with it. I don’t see why Earth should be any different.” He hopped off the table, and placed the pot and spoon into the sink.
“How long do meetings last? I can’t leave Bailey and Byron by themselves, they will die.” I walked over to my rat’s cage, and retrieved my two companions, who scurried about on my shoulders happily.
“Hah? Oh. You’ve got dependents. That’ll up the stipend. Uh… meetings last for a couple three weeks local time, about ten days for you here. Yeah, those little guys would die. Bring ‘em and keep them in line.” Bel’chazz pulled a small device from a belt pouch that I hadn’t noticed before, and began fiddling with it.
“Let me grab some clothes, and I’ll be ready, I guess. I gotta leave a note for my friends, tho. Let them know I’m on a ‘business trip’ and that I’ll be back in a few days, but be unreachable.”
“Uh-huh, yeah. Do that, kid.” Bel’chazz wasn’t really paying me any attention.
I headed to my room to pack for what could possibly become an amazing career.
Once packed, I headed back to the living room to gather my two companions. I had made a carrying pouch a month ago via my budding leatherworking skills. It sufficed, but I needed to figure out some sort of insulation beyond simple bedding.
“Let’s go, boys. We are going to go on a trip, and I hope you’ll enjoy yourselves,” I extended my arm into the cage where my two friends were examining the new scent in the air. They happily bounded up my arm, and into their pouch. It had enough room for them to root around and get comfortable in, but it wasn’t so bulky it impeded my movement. I stowed a few sundries into my backpack, alongside my clothes and hitched it up on my shoulders. “Okay, Bel’chazz. A couple of questions before we go. They’re kind of important to me.”
Bel’chazz sighed again. Obviously he disliked questions. “Shoot, kid.”
“One. Is it likely that my home will be broken into? And two, will all my necessities; food, water, translating services and so on, be provided to me?”
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“Huh. Them’s good questions, kid. Okay. I can answer them,” Bel’chazz stroked his chin thoughtfully, and his eyes unfocused, “No, your home will be just fine. As a matter of fact, if anyone besides you intends to come here, they’ll forget it exists or even why they came. And, yes, all your needs will be provided for. Fer both you and yer two…companions. Don’t worry. You’ll understand more when we get there, trust me.” He placed his hands on his hips, “Ready to go?”
I nodded in the affirmative, and set my Smart Home to “Vacation Mode”. This would lower all my electricity usage to only the bare necessities.
“Huh. Neat. Keep that doohickey of yours on you. Bring whatever you need to power it. There will be something at The Council to keep it going.” Bel’chazz stepped outside, with me on his heels. I locked my door, and followed the strange little creature into the night.
“So, how long will it take to get to where we are going? If we’re walking all the way there, I’d like to know.”
Bel’chazz laughed then, a dry, throaty, gurgling sound. It wasn’t entirely unpleasant. “Kid, you’d be surprised how quickly you can travel when you’re with me.” Bel’chazz led us across a nearby field and into the woods. I was glad it was a full moon, otherwise I’d probably have fallen on my face a few times.
After walking about a half-hour, we came to a small clearing. It looked natural enough, and rather peaceful.
“Yeah, this’ll do. Can’t be seen or heard for quite some distance, and the skies are clear. Sit yerself down right there.” He pointed at a largeish boulder, and I gratefully sat down, lamenting my many injuries and ailments and general body being out of shape.
“Okay. Now what?”
“Shaddup and watch. You might learn a thing or three.”
I watched as the kobold stood in the center of the clearing, arms out at a low angle, palms forward. His breathing slowed and everything felt eerily quiet and still. I heard him mumbling something in some other language, and as he opened his eyes, violet light shone brightly from them. His chanting grew louder as the violet light began to engulf him. A cool wind blew through the clearing, swirling leaves and dust around us both. Slowly, he rose off the ground, reaching a height just above my head, glowing brighter and brighter, until I could see the clearing as if it were midday. As his chanting rose to a fevered pitch, the detritus all around us began to swirl around him, and he appeared to be within a cloud with lightning constantly sparking within. After a moment more of chanting, he raised both arms, and thrust them forward, sending a thin, concentrated beam of that violet energy in front of him.
It struck an invisible wall, and spread outward and rapidly coalesced into a “hole” in space. A hole comprised of swirling violet light that hummed softly.
Bel’chazz fell towards the ground, and I raced to catch him, nearly tripping on an unseen root.
“Ooof! Thanks, kid.” he panted shakily, “That woulda hurt sumthin’ bad.”
I gently set him upright, and he patted my shoulder in thanks and reassurance, then cleared his throat. “Okay. Through the portal, you’ll see the Chambers. Let me do the talkin’, and then we’ll get you set up and squared away. The first meetin’s in about a day. Should be plenty ‘o time to get you fitted with everything you’ll need to get by for a bit. You’ll get completely kitted out in about two weeks. Don’t worry about a thing. It’s all a service given to you with no obligations on your part.”
“Okay, then. Time to rendezvous with Destiny, I guess. Bailey? Byron? Y’all ready?” Soft scrabblings and muted squeaks were the only replies I got. “Okay. Let’s go.” I walked up to the portal, hitched my backpack up onto my shoulder and stepped into the swirling violet portal-
-and out into a cool hallway, adorned with odd paintings and pictures, strange looking art, and almost no sound.
“Huh. I don’t know what I was expecting, but not this, I don’t think.” I stepped forward and to the side, and waited for Bel’chazz to step through. Two tiny noses peeked out from under the flap of the pouch, examining the new air with its novel scents, only to quickly scurry back and hunker down beside each other.
Bel’chazz stepped through a moment later, muttering something in that odd language of his, then turned and traced an unknown symbol in the air just in front of the portal, which closed in on itself and vanished.
“Okay, now that we are here, my work is nearly done with ya. Gonna turn ya over to Millie, and make my way home.” He stretched, and I could see in the light of the hallway that his scales, which were a vibrant green in my house had started to pale.
“Bel’chazz, are you okay? Your scales look like they’re going pale.” I knelt down in front of him, and looked him in the eyes.
“Hah? Oh, that. Yeah, I’ll be fine, kid. Don’t you worry. Ol’ Bel’chazz is pretty tough, even for a kobold. Magic takes a bit more out of my species than most. I’m just a bit tired, and I’ll be right as rain after a hearty meal and some rest,” He clapped me on the shoulder warmly, “Thanks fer askin’ kid. Not many do. Yer alright in my book. Even if you are a dumb human.” His reptilian face split into a wide grin, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Hey, you’re a person too, Bel’chazz. What kind of a man would I be if I didn’t care about others?” I stood slowly, joints creaking and popping.
Bel’chazz looked slightly confused and bewildered for a moment, then gestured at my knees. “You might wanna see about getting those noisy things looked at, kid. Our clerics can work literal miracles.”
About that time a large, green-skinned person in a business suit walked up to us. They looked at me with polite interest, an eyebrow raised in question.
“Um, hello there. Are you Millie, by chance?”
The person looked disdainfully at Bel’chazz, who gave a sheepish grin and shrugged his shoulders.
“Hey, whaddya want? It’s what I’ve always called ya.”
The person sighed and rubbed their forehead. “Ugh. Bel’chazz, why must you humiliate me so?” The voice that reached my ears was feminine, with an odd guttural accent. It reminded me of a native French speaker speaking English through a mouthful of Jell-O. They turned to me a moment later. “Yes. I am…Millie,” the way her mouth twisted as though she’d bitten into a lemon was obvious. “And you are?”
“Oh, yeah. I never did get yer name, kid.”
“You what?! You didn’t verify the new representative? What in the world were you thinking?! If this is the wrong person, there’ll be so much paperwork. Please tell me you got the right person. Please.”
“Oh, relax, Millie. A course I did! What kind of Seeker would I be if I picked up the wrong person?”
“Um, if it helps, my name is Ivor. Ivor Freyrsson.”
“Freyrsson, was it? Let me see…” She pulled a clipboard from thin air, and started flipping pages. “Fredricks, Freeze, Fregris,” She mumbled names, scrolling through the list with a finger, “...Ah! Freyrsson! Ivor Freyrsson of Earth. You are definitely the right person. At least, the name is on the list. We will have one of the deities of your particular planet make certain.”
“Wait, what? A deity? A literal god of my world. I’m going to meet a god? Seriously?” I stood there, slack-jawed.
“Close that thing, kid. You’ll snag a fly. And trust me, you do not want to deal with the flies around these parts,” he looked over at Millie, “He does that a lot, it seems.”
Millie chuckled softly, a soft, light sound at odds with her accent, “Yes, Ivor. You’re going to meet a god. And it won’t be the last time, either. Get used to it.”
I closed my mouth, and shook my head. “Okay, then. Whenever you’re ready.”
“Let’s go then, Ivor.”
“One moment, sorry. Bel’chazz?”
“What is it, kid? I’m tired an hungry. Make it snappy.”
I extended my hand to him, “Thank you for your guidance here, man. I appreciate you.”
Bel’chazz stared at my hand a moment before shaking it apprehensively. “Uh, yeah, kid. Don’t mention it. Doing my job, tha’s all.”
I smiled again, “Still, I appreciate it. Be safe getting home, and I hope you eat well. See ya!” I turned and walked to Millie, who was waiting patiently for me.
“Uh, yeah, kid. See ya. Huh.” He turned and walked away, shaking his head.
Millie looked me in the eye, and waited until Bel’chazz had walked around the corner to speak. “You know, kobolds aren’t terribly respected around here. You may have made a friend already.”
“Well, I did feed him, unintentionally. Fucker ate all the jambalaya I’d made. From scratch, too. I was looking forward to having that.”
Millie laughed then, holding her sides. “Yeah, I’d say you’ve made a friend. And, unless you’re careful, you’ll make a whole lot more during your tenure here. Kobolds love food. Especially good food. If he ate all your dinner, then it must have been good. Don’t worry, after your meeting with your deity, we will get you fed.”
“Thank you, ma’am. I would appreciate that.” My stomach rumbled in agreement. Actually, I think all three of us would like that.’
“Three? I only see one of you. What are you talking about?”
“Oh. I have my two companions here, too. I couldn’t leave them at home for the duration. They’d starve.” I lifted the lid to the leather pouch, and two furry little heads popped out over the lip, sniffing the air.
Millie made a noise of absolute glee, and cupped her hands in front of my rats, who sniffed her, and deeming her worthy, stepped out onto them. “Oh stars, they're precious! I love them.” She stuck her face out for them to explore, and they happily obliged. They scurried over to her shoulders and began to explore this new playground of a person.
“Ha ha. They like you. That’s a good sign, I’d say. Listen, I know you don’t like the name ‘Millie’, so what would you rather I call you?”
She looked at me gratefully, “Please, by all that is holy, call me Mil’Grash.”
“No problem, Mil’Grash. Call me Ivor. No need to stand on ceremony or formality with me.” Bailey took this moment to leap from Mil’Grash’s shoulder onto mine, startling his previous climbing tree. He scampered into the pouch, and I held out a hand for Byron, who was usually right behind his brother.
After he had clambered over to me, we resumed our walk down the hall. Byron settled himself into the pouch, and both of them nestled together for a nap. “So. How is it that you’re speaking English?”
“English? Oh, no. I’m speaking my native tongue. You’re hearing it in yours due to a magic field of communication that surrounds this office. The gods don’t want any misunderstandings, here.”
“Ah. Well, that makes sense. I’d guess with eighty-one different representatives and the possibility of several hundred gods per species, communication is key.”
“Several hundred? Oh, no. I don’t know where you’re getting that idea. Most representatives have only one or three at the most,” she scoffed.
“Oh, shit,” I said, my eyes going wide.