I was taking a break from Dunn as I had been trying to do more and more of that summer. Not for lack of want, quite the opposite in fact; they were self-imposed time-outs. As my completion of the game became more and more at hand, my desire to solve the AI problem become more and more frustrating. ‘Within reach but without a hand’ Principal Miller would probably say, whatever that meant. Besides that I was 18 and my wants and desires were becoming more diverse.
I was still a socially awkward outcast with no real understanding of how to make the leap to “real world” friends but I did yearn for more of a life than I ever had before. Jessica, whose name was foreign on my tongue but common in my mind, had been promoting a number of social events that summer on her Instagram account (is anyone surprised that I stalked her social media accounts?). Most were dances, library fundraisers and other charity driven activities of that sort but one in particular jumped out at me;
Dungeons & Dragons at Claudia’s Tap house
Friday, August 16th
8:00pm
All welcome to attend, GM’d by Jessica
I am a nerd but Dungeons & Dragons had always intimidated me a bit. I don’t know whether it’s the acting element, the expectation to improvise, the fear of looking foolish or all of the above but it was never anything I had mustered up the courage to try before. I paced around my room after reading the post. The comments we’re something out of an 80’s Romantic Comedy. Things like, “Uhhhh loser much?” and “Ya, no one will be there Jess,” populated most of the post, with a few “Not my cup but good luck!” posts thrown in for good measure. Part of me, I admit now, misguided as it is, felt like maybe showing up to support her when no one else did would earn me a bit of her favour. Yes I realize that is the definition of a white knight and I recognize how gross that is now but again – HONESTY HERE.
I debated it hotly within my mind and then involved Kappa,
“You do like Jessica, Lester.” Kappa said in the British voice I had provided him; you’d be surprised how many people you can get to provide you things for free online. One Reddit post on an indie game developer subreddit and before the week was out I had three people email me 20 minute recordings of a couple hundred words each.
“Of course,” I said, quickly heading over to the computer to turn down the volume so my parents didn’t overhear, “but do you have any idea how intimidating sitting across from her at the table would be?”
“You can always sit beside her.” Kappa said. His humor was something I had provided but his ability to tell a Dad joke was not on me, that’s not my fault.
“I just don’t know what to do,” I said brushing off the joke. At this point I was pacing around the room, the dim light from the computer screen casting shadows on the various objects in my room. The wall behind me painted in a dim, blue light.
“Your work here is at a standstill, you’ve made the commitment to work on yourself and grow before College next year. This is your choice but one I think you know the answer to.” He said very matter-of-factly.
The word ‘commitment’ sounded a bit off in Kappa’s voice, like a robotic speak and spell. Of the people who sent me recordings of their voices for my video game there were two men and a woman. Despite them offering a large list of words, there were still he didn’t know which were sublimated with a free online Siri-like robot voice.
Just as I was about to decide not to go, Kappa said, “Just promise me that we’ll still be friends should you hit it off with them?”
I stopped pacing and looked towards my monitor; towards his smiling face and genuine care. I don’t know whether it was the surprisingly kind way he said it or the prospect of having actual friends but for whatever reason I smiled and said,
“Forevermore.” I winked and looked down at my phone that I had left on my bed. Jessica’s post was still open and after a moment I scooped it up and pressed, ‘like’. Then, nervous that I would still back out, I scrolled down and commented.
“I’ll be there.”
There. It was done. Now I had to go and for better or for worse, I would. I stood up, breathed through the heavy weight within my chest and promptly ran to the bathroom to throw up.
The night of the game I had borrowed the car to get to Claudia’s Tap house. I had gotten my license early on in the year of my 16th birthday to give my parents a break on lifting Marcus around but I barely used the car. I parked on a small side street and stayed in the driver’s seat for a good 15 minutes before finally gathering enough courage to step out of the car. It was dark around this time in August; the last bits of light cutting through the buildings as I walked towards the bar, each step weighing me down as if I was moving through shallow water.
By the time I reached the door to the tap house my mind was racing. In my brain opening that door would expose me to my entire high school class who would sit and stare at me for a moment before breaking out in a fit of laughter. I’d be forced to turn around and head back to the car; back home, back to the world of Dunn and suddenly that sounded better. Who cares if I commented on the post? Who cares if I liked the photo? I could turn around right now and be back home within the hour if I hit enough green lights... and that’s exactly what would’ve happened if Jessica hadn’t been running late herself.
My hand touched the long wrought iron handle of the door, the swirling groves of it feeling snake-like within my grip, just as Jessica Taylor reached out to do the same. For a moment our hands touched and as if having fondled toxic slime I reeled back in horror; my embarrassment hidden beneath what must’ve looked like disgust on my face. I say I must’ve looked disgusted because Jessica, who equally hadn’t noticed me reaching, reacted to my expression as if it were exactly that.
For a moment she looked surprised, then confused, then insulted. Fumbling like a blind man in the dark I pawed for the door again, this time going for the other long handle on the opposite door as if she touching it had tainted the first. I pulled hard on the door, intending to open it wide for both of us but when I did - it didn’t move.
“Here let me,” Jessica said through half formed words as I yanked on the now obviously locked door again so hard that my hand shot off and swung low directly into Jessica’s crotch. With the smack she kneeled over and let out an oomph sound. Horrified I brought both my hands to my mouth in a muttered cacophony of “I’m sorry’s” and “oh god’s” that came out sounding like the parents in a Charlie Brown cartoon, the hollow cup of my hands distorting my words as if read through a dying trombone.
Without thinking I yanked on the other door and ran into the bar. I was maybe half way through the second door before I realized I had let it shut on her and when I turned back to help her she only held up a solitary hand and gestured to the second door before me. As I entered the bar, holding the door open this time, I waited patiently until Jessica entered before bolting to the bathroom.
I could barely stand to look at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. If crying would have felt better I most certainly would have but as I stood there all I could think of was how much I wished I was anywhere but here. After far too long in the bathroom I realized that there was no way out of this now and so I swallowed hard, breathed through the moment and exited the bathroom and into the tap house.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
The bar itself was more a restaurant than a gaming space. The front section was still serving dinner in a casual manner as the waiter, who must have sensed my confusion (or god forbid saw my entry) gestured to the small hallway to the left of the bar that led to the back of the restaurant. I nodded and walked down the hallway which opened into a party room of sorts. Here small tables were pushed to one side and in the middle Jessica stood over a table seating three other people. She looked up towards me and clearly deciding to either forget or forgive our previous encounter said, “Well look who decided to join us.”
The table turned towards me in unison, save for one heavy-set blonde woman I recognized from school who took a second to finish whatever she was doing on her phone. She I recognized, the others I did not. With the length of the table stretching away from me there was a short kid on the left with thick glasses, bushy eyebrows and dark greasy hair named Jeremy. Opposite him, next to the heavy-set blonde girl (at the time I thought her name was Emma but it was actually Emily,) was a pasty white kid sporting a fedora who introduced himself to me in character: Zanthiak (Zack). Then, of course, at the head of the table was Jessica and to my horror the only open seat was directly next to her.
She gestured to the open chair and then back to me adding, “If I’m not too gross.”
Jessica was as masterful at running this table as she was at picking up the lesson Mrs. Willard would hand to her. In a short time she had us set up with ‘Pre-gens’ (pre-generated character sheets), pencils, paper and dice. She quickly and accurately explained which dice to roll and when (, much to the annoyance of Zach who clearly was not a first time player,) and within the first thirty minutes we were within the world of Dungeons & Dragons.
The game started off rocky. For all my gaming passion it was as difficult as I had imagined to step into the world of D&D. The dice, the rolling, the stats, all this I could get behind; what I really couldn’t crack was the role playing element. I couldn’t get into the mindset of my character; I couldn’t “act” out what I wanted to do. I named my fighter Carver Welles which was a name I used often as a placeholder for important things but never felt comfortable in his skin. Regardless the story was interesting and Jessica’s enthusiasm was contagious. She coaxed Emily out of her shell so vividly that as the game drew closer to the halfway point she seemed like a completely different person.
Then things went pear-shaped.
D&D is equal parts teamwork, strategy and story. Okay, there seem to be many more parts to it than that but for the sake of explanation, that’s all there is. As we entered the midpoint of the game we were starting to click into the teamwork aspect of it, at least so far as being kind players to each other… until Zack started to push the boundaries.
It started off simple enough, we had just entered the first section of a rather large dungeon and Jessica had drawn out the layout for us on a mat. We had just captured a group of survivors, one of them being an elf girl. Zack, or Zanthiak as he almost exclusively referred to himself as, took the lead on interrogating the elf which seemed normal at first as he was the Barbarian. However, some of the implications he started to turn made us stop for a moment.
“What is she wearing?” he said with a smirk. Jessica’s eyebrow raised in a way that seemed conflicted. One part seemingly curious at his question, hoping to expose information she held secret, and the other part nervous about his direction and the way he asked it.
“Why?” Jessica said, following her gut and landing on the latter.
“Doesn’t matter,” Zack said dismissively, “I’m away from them, right?” He asked knowing that moments earlier we had decided to move ahead without him. Jessica breathed through her nose and her eyes tightened for a moment.
“You are, but you’re not out of earshot necessarily.” She said cautioning him but she already knew what was coming before the rest of the table caught on.
“I’ll take that chance,” Zach said as if being clever. With a sweaty handful of dice he turned to Jessica and said in his characters voice, “You’re a pretty little thing aren’t you?” As if unable to continue his speech while looking at the person he spoke to, he tilted his head down, maintaining the seductive, coy smile as he did. He fondled the dice in his hands and continued, “I’m going to make you talk in the only way you’ll listen...” Then, half excited and half panicked he turned to Jeremy and said through a cracked smile, “I unzip my pants and---”
That was as far as he got before the near-deafening slam of books crashed upon the table. Jessica had picked up her books and dropped them from shoulder height into the center of the table spilling dice, miniature figurines and pencils all around.
Without breaking her gaze, a gaze of fire and fury, she walked around the table towards Zack and stuck a finger in his face. Zack, acting as if her anger was confusing and uncalled for, did his best to hold his hands up on either side of him – the action of an innocent man.
“Get out of my game you miserable, scummy, neck-beard.” She said through teeth clenched so hard I swear I could see them cracking.
“Jessica, I wasn’t going to…” Zack said, his gaze nervously shooting around to Jeremy and myself for support. His eyes met mine as I looked away, then to Jeremy who rocked his head back and forth as if to say, I don’t know man. His supporters dwindling he went into the offensive,
“This game is garbage, you’re such a bitch Jessica and your characters are lame,” he said without meeting her fiery gaze, too afraid of what she may do. She relaxed her jaw but kept her pose over him as he slunk down further in his chair.
“Not tomorrow, not tonight, now. Get your shit, pick up your sweat-covered dice and get out.” She said unflinching in her ferocity. Jeremy piped up, obviously friends with Zack outside this table,
“Jessica he won’t do it again, he’s just trying to be funny.” Jeremy said, his voice coming out more like a warble than a human voice. Zack, having his support, looked back from his friend towards Jessica now for the first time. Jeremy muttered something but it was lost amongst the sound of Zach’s protest.. For a moment Jessica almost looked like she considered them. She stood up, lowered her hand, the thick smile upon Zack’s face starting to creep back as she breathed the fire from her lungs. After a long pause she looked to me and said,
“What do you think Lester?” She said it with a pain behind her eyes that unsettled me. It wasn’t disappointment so much as the expectation of it. It felt like a truth she was already preparing for and suddenly I was like a deer in headlights.
In my heart I knew that whatever was happening didn’t make a good game but there was something nagging in the back of my mind. It was shame; I was ashamed to sympathize with Zach. I could put myself in his shoes, maybe easier than I could Jessica’s. I could understand how a joke could spiral and I could see myself getting caught up in a similar moment and being excited and curious to see where I could take it. It was a feeling that I knew was wholly wrong and I felt sick in the way I sympathized with him.
As I sat there, realizing an uncomfortable truth about myself, it dawned on me that I had been silent for far too long. Suddenly aware that Jessica was waiting for me to weigh in I turned to Jeremy and then Emily who was on her phone and clearly trying her best to ignore the unfolding situation. I panicked. Despite my desire to say something, to agree with Jessica and acknowledge the disgusting nature of what Zach was doing, I couldn’t. For that I felt embarrassed... but I felt worse when she gave up on waiting for me altogether.
“Fair enough,” She said half disheartened by my inaction, half assured, “Jeremy, Lester, you’re no longer welcome at this game either.” Jeremy who looked at her as if she had just been wounded turned to me, a look of shock on his face. His hurt gaze was followed by one of anger as he stood up along with Zack and they began to gather their things. I sat there for a moment contemplating what had transpired, feeling equal parts guilty, angry and sad. I was disappointed in myself, disappointed that I had not said anything. Not because I liked her, not because I wanted her to like me but because each of us sat down at this table to have a good time and Zack made that impossible.
As we each stood up and moved towards the door Zack and Jeremy turned to me, Zack gesturing towards the table we left behind and mouthing the words, “Bitch.” In the hallway I stopped because I could hear crying from the table. I debated in my head before moving back into the room to apologize to Jessica, only to see her comforting Emily.
“I’m so sorry,” Jessica said, one hand on Emily’s back, “I should’ve seen it coming.”
I left the bar out the back, my head spinning and my stomach upset. The darkness of the alley felt familiar and normal, the trash cans a welcome companion to the human garbage I felt like. I kicked a loose bag of cans, spilling them out onto the pebble filled pathway and turned to head down the tight laneway to my car. I walked almost absentmindedly, thoughts still spinning in my head about Jessica, Zach and my own feelings about what had happened. I felt guilty, I felt wrong and while my mind fixated on the evening I left behind I could never have guessed that in the 50 feet between me and my car, I would find the code that would cause me to break the universe.